Mock Effect 2
by ClintJohnston25
Summary: Sequel to Mr. Buch's masterful mockery of the first game.  The twins Jane & John Shepard are exploring the galaxy, loosely following the game "Mass Effect 2"'s script.  Along the way they poke fun at the various plot holes/inconsistencies they encounter.
1. Chapter 1 & 2: Titles Too Long

**Mock Effect 2**

**Prologue**

**INT: ILLUSIVE MAN'S OBSERVATION ROOM**

_(We see an exploding sun. The camera pulls back to reveal a curvaceous brunette in a bodysuit talking to a figure relaxing at a desk with many virtual screens. This figure is smoking a cigar and receiving a foot rub from an assistant)_

BRUNETTE : Shepherd did everything right, more than we could have hoped for. Saving the citadel, even the council, humanity now has the trust of the entire galaxy… and still it's not enough! Maybe we shouldn't have tortured all those aliens…

BOSS: Our sacrifices have earned the council's gratitude, but the Shepherds are still our best hope.

BRUNETTE: Won't they have a problem with our master plan for taking over the Galaxy?

BOSS: The Brother won't. Especially if you ask nicely.

BRUNETTE: But Jane Shepherd sacrificed thousands of alliance troopers to restore the galaxy to a three man dictatorship! Don't you think she'll have a problem with us?

BOSS: We'll work that out later. Every Goody Two Shoes has their weak points.

BRUNETTE: But the Council is sending them to fight Geth, GETH! We both know they're not the real threat. The Reapers are still out there!

BOSS: And it's up to us to stop them.

_(BOSS waves foot rub assistant away, and takes a swig of scotch)_

BRUNETTE: Sir, you're doing it again.

BOSS: What?

BRUNETTE: Talking like a dictator. We're aiming for suave. People like suave villains.

_(BOSS glares at her)_

BRUNETTE: Anyhow, the Council will never trust Cerberus. They'll never accept our help. Even after we turned entire colonies into husks and killed a prominent human admiral. But Shepherd, they'll follow her; she and her brother are heroes, bloody icons. But she's only one woman. If we lose her, humanity might well follow.

BOSS: Then see to it we don't lose her.

BRUNETTE: Sir!

BOSS: That WAS Suave!

_(Fade to black: The Speed-Reading typists of ME1 have returned and quickly repeat all of that we just learned concluding with the fact that the NORMANDY is now on patrol)_

**EXT: SPACE: DAY**

_(We see the starship SSV Normandy fly out of hyperspace, pay a toll and merge into traffic)_

**INT: NORMANDY MAIN DECK: DAY**

_(The Normandy's Pilot, JOKER, and Chief Navigation Officer, PRESSLEY, are discussing pressing matters)_

JOKER: I'm telling you, Aaron, Michael Jackson was a philosopher of ancient earth, not some lame musician!

PRESSLEY: Are you kidding? Then why do all the profound quotations we can find by him rhyme? And if he was so wise, why did he change from humanoid to alien?

JOKER: Because he saw the futility of our existence and aspired to something greater!

PRESSLEY: So great he overdosed on sleeping pills?

JOKER: You know he was forced to take those by the Supreme Congress!

PRESSLEY: Bah, who cares, the guy is dead. Why are we wasting our time here anyway? We've been patrolling this sector for four days, and not even one desk lamp has popped its head up.

JOKER: I don't know, but three ships have gone missing here in the past month, something happened to them.

PRESSLEY: My money's on slavers… or Turians.

JOKER: Yeah yeah, we get it, you're still racist.

RED SHIRT 1: There's something coming up on our long range scanners. Unidentified vessel, hmmm… looks like a cruiser.

JOKER: Doesn't match any known signatures.

RED SHIRT: Hence the unidentified part, sir. Cruiser is changing course, now on intercept trajectory.

PRESSLEY: That's impossible, we're running silent.

RED SHIRT 1: Um… I can see them through the window. They can probably see us too.

_(The unidentified ship fires a Death Laser. JOKER turns stick wildly, but pauses to turn off the autopilot, costing him crucial seconds)_

JOKER: Brace for evasive maneuvers!

_(JOKER tries to impress the attackers with a loop the loop and a double spin, but they merely keep the death laser trained on the Normandy's engines)_

_(Death Laser hits the engine and the ship reacts violently, almost shearing in half from the explosion)_

_(PRESSLEY jumps up to find an escape pod but is hit in the eye by a spacebar from an exploding keyboard. He falls to the ground, mutters something, and dies with a very surprised look on his face)_

JOKER: Somebody put that fire out!

RED SHIRT 1: The ship is exploding, sir, the fire is the least of our problems! Haven't you no…

_(RED SHIRT 1 tries to finish her sentence, but is impaled by piece of metal and falls dead, almost losing the smirk on her face)_

**INT: NORMANDY CREW DECK: DAY**

_(Panic has ensued as the entire crew tries to find an open escape pod at the same time. ASHLEY WILLIAMS & CARTH ALENKO, the romantic interests from the first game, run down the hallway so concerned over the fate of the SHEPHERDS, they forget to put on their helmets while the ship is leaking atmosphere)_

_(JANE fiddles with the distress beacon as John turns to face them)_

ASHLEY: Will the Alliance get here in time?

JOHN: They damn well better. I'm not doing this so they can find my frozen corpse out in space somewhere.

ASHLEY: OUR frozen corpses, sir.

JOHN: No, I plan on eating your bodies for meat and staying alive as long as possible.

JANE: _(Ignoring__ Him)_The distress beacon is launched. Is everyone in the escape pods?

CARTH: Everyone but Joker, who's taking his own sweet time. Something about getting his Orc to an Inn?

JANE: I thought we told him no more video games on duty.

JOHN: I did! I even snapped his thumbs. Bastard must have used magic healing gel.

CARTH: Not to be picky, but guys, the ship is blowing up!

_(JANE looks at JOHN inspiringly)_

JOHN: Fine, you guys get out of here, Jane and I will go get Joker and haul his crippled ass to the escape pod which is conveniently located where the exit used to be.

_(CARTH and ASHLEY make worried sounds and look pitiful. Then they put on their helmets.)_

TOGETHER: We're not leaving you!

JOHN: Get the hell out of here. If I have to rescue one cripple, I'd rather I didn't have to come back for you morons too!

_(CARTH and ASHLEY run away, jump into the next to last escape pod, and are jettisoned off into space. JANE claps JOHN on the back encouragingly)_

JANE: You did the right thing!

JOHN: Maybe. But I get the medals this time.

_(JOHN & JANE run upstairs, admire the view, and walk into the cockpit. JOKER is worriedly pressing buttons and muttering about bandits)_

JANE: Joker! It's just a game!

JOKER: No, it's a level 120 Orc Paladin, I can't abandon it. I can still save her!

JOHN: _(Shoots__ computer__ console)_ Don't be stupid! I don't get a medal unless we leave right now!

JOKER: Oh no… they're coming around for another attack!

_(JOHN and JANE grab JOKER, and shove him into the last escape pod. JANE gets in with him, while JOHN pauses to look magnificent in the glow of the explosions.)_

_(The Death Laser fires again, smashing the bulkhead that JOHN is standing on. JANE jumps out of the escape pod and yanks him out of the way just in time. As they roll to the side, the ship begins to split apart, cutting them off from the escape pod and expanding the vacuum sucking them into space)_

_(JOHN grabs hold of JANE's leg while she uses the last seconds of gravity to eject JOKER's pod. Another explosion sends them spinning into space)_

JOHN: Well that was a bright idea. I knew I should have got in the pod first!

JANE: I just saved your life!

JOHN: And now we're both in a huge vacuum with a miniscule amount of air and no heat. Grrrreat idea, sis.

JANE: You'd prefer I hadn't pulled you away from the death laser?

JOHN: Oh, you're right, suffocating and freezing to death at the same time is much better.

_(While they've been arguing, shrapnel from the continuing explosions has punctured their suits. They continue arguing unabated until JANE notices that JOHN is unconscious. She looks at the view of a planet rimmed in sunlight and mutters a final sentence)_

JANE: Here we go again…

_(As the Shepherd's unconscious forms descend into the atmosphere, the camera focuses on the rising sun, creating a familiar logo, beside it the ominous words: **MOCK ****EFFECT ****2**)_

**CHAPTER 1: Waking Up Is Hard To Do**

_(The scene changes, and we see a shriveled blood vessel, slowly brought back to life by magic needles. The Australian voice of the BRUNETTE is heard) _

BRUNETTE: The Shepherds have been recovered. The Lazarus Project will proceed as planned.

**INT: STATION: MEDICAL BAY: DAY**

_(More magic needles are inserted, the heart resumes pumping, and the brain comes online again. Slowly their vision comes into focus. They hear voices)_

BRUNETTE: No, Wilson, just because I wear a skintight suit and trot around like an Asari does not mean I want you to make "sweet sweet love to me"

WILSON: Oh come on Miranda, you did it with Jacob!

MIRANDA: That was a one time fling, and we decided that the one night was all we could take of one another!

WILSON: I'm way more of a Priiize than he is!

_(MIRANDA grimaces, then notices something on the equipment and the two SHEPHERDS lying on the table looking very drugged and confused.)_

MIRANDA: There on the monitor! Something's wrong.

WILSON: They're reacting to outside stimuli, they're aware of their surroundings. Oh my God, Miranda, they're waking up.

MIRANDA: (_looks __at__ Wilson)_ What kind of Doctor are you? Of course they're waking up! Damnit! They're not ready yet. Give them another dose of the sedative!

MIRANDA: _(To__ Shepherds)_ Don't try to move. Just lie still, try to remain calm.

WILSON: Rubbing magic gel on their faces! Administering reflex test! Pounding on their chest and crying one last cry of despair! AUGH! It's not working!

MIRANDA: Where did you go to medical school? Another dose, now!

WILSON: Wow… that actually worked. Heart rate dropping, stats falling back into normal range. That was close, we almost lost them!

MIRANDA: I told you your estimates were off! Run the numbers again! And for the last time, you are never touching any part of me!

WILSON: Refuse me, will she? I'll get even, if it's the last thing I do…

_(Fade to Black)_

**INT: SPACE STATION: MEDICAL BAY: NIGHT**

_(Lights flicker on, and we see the SHEPHERDS waking up with difficulty on a big table. MIRANDA's voice is heard over the loudspeaker)_

MIRANDA: Wake up, Commander! This Facility is under attack!

JANE: _(to__ John,__ Groggily)_ What? Trask? Who's attacking Taris? I'm still top of my class, right?

JOHN: I love the smell of lasers in the morning! _(slaps__ JANE)_ Wake up already! Here's an ammo clip. Hand it to me when I run low.

JANE: Wait, what happened to the superguns with never ending ammo?

JOHN: _(wistfully)_I guess they got phased out in favor of these pieces of crap that are constantly overheating. I suppose I'll have to learn to aim now…

JANE: _(after__ getting __up)_ So where are we?

JOHN: How the hell should I know? Maybe we're dead… We're wandering down empty halls guided by a voice from on high.

JANE: Who ever thought God would be Australian?

JOHN: Let's face it, I'm here too. I just hope we can find that Miranda babe.

JANE: *Rolls eyes*

MIRANDA: _(Over__loudspeaker)_ Look out Shepherd, someone's turned all the mechs into killer robots!

JANE: Ok… so not heaven then.

JOHN: Ooooh, here's a grenade launcher!

_(JOHN, picks it up, fires a random shot and lights a fuel line on fire)_

JANE: Let's hope the magical shields still work.

_(They walk down a few empty hallways, which all seem to have conveniently bulletproof glass to watch the Killer Robots murder everyone. JOHN applauds while JANE stands horrified when a young man gets a rocket in the face.)_

_(They finally come to a kind of open square, wherein a young black soldier is engaged in battle with some killer robots across the terrace)_

SOLDIER: The Shepherds? Holy crap, what are you doing up? Things must be in bad shape if Miranda's got you up!

JANE: What was your first clue? The Killer Robots massacring the staff, or the whole place being on fire?

JOHN: Look, pal, I have a huge hangover and all this shooting is NOT helping, so fill me in on what exactly the hell is going on.

SOLDIER: Um… Now? They're shooting at us!

JANE: You're the one trying to hide behind a transparent piece of glass!

_(The SHEPHERDS have taken up a more sensible position behind the planter)_

SOLDIER: Ok… I have good news and bad news. Which would you like first?

JANE: Good news.

SOLDIER: Well, you're not dead anymore.

JOHN: and the bad news?

SOLDIER: It took us two years. Incidentally, unless we get out of here soon, it's going to be a massive waste of money.

_(JANE, losing patience with the constant noise in the background, pops up from behind the planter and headshots the 7 Killer Robots who were trying to construct a bridge out of blown off body parts. She blows the steam away from her overheated pistol, and looks significantly at JOHN)_

_(They all stand up and look relieved)_

SOLDIER: Wow, what great shots. I have biotics and I never thought to use them on the robots heads! What else do you want to know?

JOHN: Who the hell are you?

SOLDIER: I'm Jacob Taylor, and I'm the security chief for this station. I'm second in command following Miranda. You didn't happen to see a hot as blazes Australian girl on your way here, did you?

JOHN: No. But I dreamt about her.

JACOB: _(continuing __his__ thoughts)_ Normally, nothing this exciting happens.

JANE: You mean, normally, the robots don't go insane and kill everyone? Oh that's such a relief. What were you before this job, a real estate agent?

JACOB: How did you know? I worked for the alliance, getting veterans new accommodations! Then they asked me to be a Corsair and…

JANE: _(Interrupting)_ Never mind. You said we were under for Two YEARS?

JACOB: Yeah, and most of that on a surgical table. It took billions of credits and super fancy cutting edge technology, and you wouldn't believe how much magical medigel, but we managed to bring the Spectre who saved the Citadel back to life! You're not a clone or anything; we just added a few parts!

JOHN: So how'd Jane survive?

JACOB: Um… actually, it's your heroic sister we went to all the trouble to save. We're not quite sure how you survived. We just put the extra parts we didn't need in you (no use wasting them). Incidentally, I'd avoid magnets from now on.

JANE: _(to__ herself)_ Keep calm, don't panic, keep calm, don't panic. Just because you were dead and now alive does not mean you are the zombie of your nightmares. _(She__ takes __a__ deep__ breath)_ So who's attacking us? Darth Malak?

JACOB: Who? Are you still high on the drugs or something?

JANE: Never mind. If we're here, and its 2 years later… and the last thing I remember is the ship blowing up, what happened to the crew?

JOHN: Specifically the hot babes we had with us.

JACOB: Well, pretty much everyone made it out alive, only a couple red shirts and your navigator died. He got hit by a flying spacebar. They say his last words were "Damn Turians."

JANE: Sounds like him.

JOHN: Enough with the boring stuff, who's the saucy aussie chick?

JACOB: That's Miranda Lawson, the director of this facility. She oversaw your resurrection. Incidentally, I hit that.

_(JOHN high fives JACOB, JANE rolls her eyes)_

JANE: So she's the one who turned us into zombies. I need to have a talk with her.

JOHN: _(with__ a__s light __leer)_ Me, too. Wonder why her radio cut out?

JACOB: _(with__ concern)_ I hope she's ok. Maybe by some chance she escaped the army of killer robots and the exploding portion of this space station, just like you two main characters. I knew that bulletproof glass everywhere was a good idea.

JOHN: So how do we find her?

JACOB: Hmm… Best to make for the escape pods. If we go down that hallway _(JACOB __is__ interrupted__ by__ a__ harsh,__ evil__ sounding__ voice)_

EVIL VOICE: Is anyone there? I can't find the key to the escape pod, and I forgot to program the killer robots to ignore me. Um… Help?

JANE: Who is that? And did he just say what I thought he just said?

JACOB: That's Wilson, the chief doctor here. Not sure how he got here or what he did exactly, but promoting him seemed like the thing to do. Not much to do here waiting for you to be resurrected.

WILSON: Hello? Who's that?

JACOB: _(oblivious)_Wilson, it's Jacob. I'm here with the Shepherd twins. We're all ok. We were just covering the exposition of how they survived being dead for two years.

WILSON: WHAT? Ummm… Hooray! Glad to have you back!

JANE: Now about you programming the mechs to become Killer Robots…

WILSON: Never mind that now, you incredibly lucky people follow my harmless directions and come help me get my one man escape pod working.

_(They follow his directions and walk directly into a Killer Robot trap)_

JACOB: Do you ever get that funny feeling that someone is trying to kill you?

JOHN: Yeah. Usually that's when I shoot them in the face with a shotgun.

WILSON: Hey guys… you still there?

JANE: No thanks to you, Mr. Cypher. Why do we always get the lame villains?

WILSON: _(to__himself)_Got to think of something… _(POW,__we__hear__a__pistol__fire)_ Oh my god that hurts. The things we do to save our career… _(into__radio)_OH NO, they shot me! Come save me, I'm in server room B!

_(JANE pauses in her frantic dash to save the moronic villain whose shot himself to fiddle at a computer. Miranda's face comes up and we hear snippets of a report)_

MIRANDA: We designed Commander Shepherd to come back just as she was. Same morality, same choices. As for her brother? Well , Que-sera-sera. No idea what he'll turn out to be. Though I wouldn't advise him going near any magnets in future.

JANE: Well, that's comforting at least. I'm a zombie with convictions.

_(They eventually get to Server Room B, wherein WILSON is lying on the floor, muttering about teaching Neo a lesson)_

JOHN: Say weren't you the guy who was in the lab? The one who was trying to get into the hot brunette's pants?

WILSON: _(sigh)_ Yes, that was me.

JACOB: For the record, I hit that. _(JOHN__ high __fives __him__ again)_

WILSON: _(Glaring)_ Could we get back to the guy bleeding on the floor please? There's some medigel over there.

JANE: Wait a second… who shot you? The Killer Robots wouldn't have let you live… And what's this pistol over here?

WILSON: Never mind that, patch me up!

_(JOHN looks at him, then just to annoy JANE, he hits the medigel button on his arm. WILSON gets up, grinning like a crazed monkey)_

WILSON: So… whoever did this totally fried the system. There's nothing we can do to stop it, Heheheheh. He was just too good!

_(They all stare at him)_

JOHN: Whatever. Can I shoot his face now?

JANE: Nah, let him go in front in case the killer robots come around the corner.

WILSON: Maybe we can sort this out later? In that lovely non-extraditing system just down the road?

JACOB: We have to go find Miranda. She's got the keys to the escape pod!

WILSON: Heheheheh. HAD the keys to the escape pod, you mean. The killer robots paid special attention to D wing. No idea why.

JACOB: Have you seen Miranda when she's mad?

WILSON: _(Nervous)_ Hmm. Well, where is she then? If she's not here she's either Dead… or a Traitor! *DUN DUN DUN*

JANE: But she brought us back to life… in the middle of a killer robot attack which we would never have survived lying there.

WILSON: Ok, so not a traitor. Who cares? The important thing is I have to save my… Ourselves!

_(Pushing WILSON out in front, they continue down the hallways, until JACOB stops them with an overly expressive sigh)_

TOGETHER: What?

JACOB: Shepherd, I wasn't exactly honest with you two when I did the exposition earlier. I think you need to know that this facility is owned and run by Cerberus.

JOHN: So?

JANE: WHAT? Can't you people leave well enough alone? First you feed my squad to the thresher maws, then you tried to create an army of husks, you destroyed poor Admiral Kahoku, nearly exterminated a star system by creating a Rachni attack team! And now you turn me into a zombie?

JACOB: But you're alive. We brought you back from the dead.

JANE: AS A ZOMBIE!

JACOB: _(Terrified)_ Not me! Just my power hungry terrorist boss! I just thought you deserved to know.

JOHN: Can I shoot them now?

JACOB & WILSON: Wait!

JACOB: Him you can shoot, he's a lousy villain anyway, but I'm a good guy. I have good reasons for working with terrorists, and my insane terrorist leader can tell you all about it!

JANE: Uh huh… right.

JACOB: Just please don't shoot me until we escape, alright? I can catch bullets for you!

JOHN: He has a point. You get up there with what's his face.

_(They finally find an exit to the shuttle bay, guarded by a few short lived killer robots. WILSON runs ahead and tries to get in and lock the door behind him. He is faced with a very dour looking MIRANDA, who promptly shoots him in the face)_

JOHN: I wanted to do that!

JANE: Why'd you kill him, we could have found out what he knew!

MIRANDA: Damn. I hadn't thought of that. But let's face it, he sabotaged my station, killed my staff, and was about to leave all of us hanging by stealing the shuttle, he had it coming.

_(They all look down, and shrug in acceptance)_

JACOB: Was Wilson really capable of all that by himself? I mean the guy was a moron who shot himself in the leg to keep a bad cover story going.

MIRANDA: Too risky. I've spent two years putting Shepherd back together, I'm not let the first moron with an overload power blow her to kingdom come… again.

JANE: Well I can't argue with that.

MIRANDA: Good. Now let's go see my pi..er… boss.

JANE: You mean the leader of the racist terror group Cerberus? The ones who have done nothing but impugn humanity's honor with the galaxy?

JACOB: Impugn, that's a good word.

MIRANDA: Look who grew a conscience. Don't kiss their asses too much, Jacob, they might send you back to Real Estate. Fine, yes, my boss is the Illusive Man, and he's delusional maniac, but he spent billions to bring you back from the dead, isn't that worth a few minutes of your time?

JANE: You are GALACTIC TERRORISTS! Why on earth would I go with you?

MIRANDA: There's only one way off this little piece of futuristic tin, and I have the keys.

JOHN: I'm with her. Much as I like fighting Killer Robots, I'm following the babe in the rubber suit.

JACOB: Despite my sudden outbreak of conscience in confessing I work for a mass murderer, I have no intention of quitting in the near future.

JANE: Fine. We'll go. I've had enough of this station to last a lifetime.

MIRANDA: Or two, in your case.

JOHN: Ooh, great line!

**Mock Effect 2**

**Chapter 2: Tiny Farming Colonies with Big Daddies**

**INT: TINY SHUTTLE: NIGHT**

_(The SHEPHERDS and party take the shuttle out of the killer robot base and sit looking awkwardly at one another. MIRANDA speaks)_

MIRANDA: Well now that you've escaped certain death and have had the sense to come see my boss, we need to test your mental capabilities.

JOHN: Our wha..?

MIRANDA: Not you.

JOHN: Oh, good.

JACOB: Are you sure this is necessary, Miranda? I mean, she proved her physical strengths on the station. She's as good as she used to be.

MIRANDA: I spent 2 years and billions of the Illusive Man's dollars to bring her back to life, Jacob, I am going to get my bloody money's worth.

JANE: Fine. What do you want to know? I speak fluent Trebek.

MIRANDA: What do you remember of your previous adventures?

JANE: Everything. From my recruitment as a Sub-SPECTRE to my visits to Noveria, Feros, Therum, Virmire & Ilos. I remember all my Squadmates: Tali the talkative Quarian, Garrus the resentful Turian, Wrex the battle hungry Krogan, Liara the oversexed Asari, and especially Ashley & Carth.

_(A__ fond__smile__ comes __to __her__ face__ when__ she__ brings __up__ Carth)_

MIRANDA: Uh huh. But what about your adventures sticks out?

JANE: You mean besides the Terrorist organization dogging my every step?

MIRANDA: (huffs) Yes, specifically your choices throughout the mission.

JANE: Then, yes, I remember fighting through the plant zombies in order to spare the lives of some crazy colonists. I remember John murdering the last of the Rachni, and all the exploded marmalade in the prothean visions.

MIRANDA: What about on Virmire, when you had to leave a squad member behind to set off the nuclear device?

JANE: Had to? Oh right, that idiot Kirrahe. _(mocks) _HOLD. THE. LINE! No, Commander Shepherd, we can't set it off from space, no we have to send you in personally to blow the whole place up._(focuses)_ Yes, we were forced to leave behind our brilliant Quarian engineer, Tali 'Zorah Nar Rayya.

JOHN: And boy was that a relief.

JANE: We're not supposed to speak ill of the dead, John.

JOHN: But she isn't dead. She kept calling us after you got all your medals.

JANE: What? And you didn't tell me?

JOHN: No. I have my omni-tool automatically set to ignore her. I tried to set it that way for you too, but Ashley wouldn't help me.

MIRANDA: _(Interrupting)_ Fine. Tali was left behind but somehow survived. How about your final decision at the citadel, when Sovereign was attacking?

JANE: I chose to maintain stability by saving the 3 man dictatorship that was making a mess of the Galaxy. Better the problems you know than total anarchy.

MIRANDA: Yes, and they offered a humanity a seat on the council. You were asked to nominate a candidate for the position.

JANE: I suggested Captain Anderson for both his personal charm and insight for marketing. Udina was a jackass, so I punched him out.

JOHN: Heh, that was funny.

JACOB: _(Indignantly)_ Satisfied, Miranda?

MIRANDA: I suppose I'll have to be. Let's just hope the Illusive Man agrees.

_(The Shuttle lands on another space station we'll never see again. JANE and JOHN are guided into a dark circular room, and the door is shut behind them)_

JOHN: Oooo k.

_(A strange sort of scanner, fancier than the ones in spaceports, crawls up their bodies, allowing them to see the ILLUSIVE MAN's observation room)_

JANE: Jerk. Come out and face me like a man!

ILLUSIVE MAN: _(Smirking__ confidently)_ Only a necessary precaution, madam. Not very unusual for people who know what you and I know.

JANE: _(Suspicious)_ And what exactly do we know?

JOHN: Ooh! I Got this. We know that you know what we know, and that because you know, we know what you plan to do about it.

ILLUSIVE MAN & JANE: What?

JOHN: _(sullen)_ Whatever.

JANE: You're a galactic terrorist. You may have had me rebuilt, but you don't know me, and I'd like to keep it that way.

ILLUSIVE MAN: _(inhales__ on__ cigar, __coolly__ gestures __for __JANE __to__ relax)_ It's time for you to put your personal feelings for me aside, Shepherd, and realize we face a greater threat. One that threatens Humanity's very existence.

JOHN: _(eager__ again)_Ooh! I saw this in a movie once. Let me try one more time. Is it the Darkspawn?

ILLUSIVE MAN: No. _(beginning__ to __be __annoyed)_

JOHN: Orcs, then?

ILLUSIVE MAN: No. _(steadily __glares __at__ JOHN)_

JOHN: I give up.

ILLUSIVE MAN: The Reapers.

JOHN & JANE: Ohhhhhhh….

ILLUSIVE MAN: _(Muttering)_ What kind of drugs did I give you anyways? _(To __Shepherds)_ Are you feeling alright? Perhaps we should have this conversation when you are more lucid.

JANE: Oh. I'm perfectly lucid. I wake up and find that A) I'm not dead, B) my ship and my friends are gone, and C) my worst enemy wants to make kissy face.

ILLUSIVE MAN: _(uncomfortably)_ Cerberus isn't evil, Shepherd. We're both on the same side, we just have different methods.

JANE: I'm sure Admiral Kahoku appreciates just how different.

ILLUSIVE MAN: _(losing__ temper)_Look, I just spent billions of credits to bring you back from death itself. Would it kill you to listen to what I'm saying? We're at war. The Reapers may look like a unlimited buffet at Red Lobster to you, but they are a deadly unstoppable force and unless we quit this bickering and you listen to me, we will all be dead!

JANE: (stunned) OK. What do you have to say…

ILLUSIVE MAN: They're harvesting. I don't know how, but they are doing it at random colonies with no method of communication. Right now, the number of victims is in the hundreds of thousands.

JOHN: _(Long__ slow__ whistle)_

JANE: _(Shocked__ but __still__ doubting)_ And you expect me to believe that neither the council nor the alliance are doing anything about it?

ILLUSIVE MAN: The Alliance suffered heavy losses thanks to your little public relations stunt on the Citadel. They're spread so thin, they make Salarians look fat. As for the Council? Don't make me laugh.

JANE: It was better than the alternative…

ILLUSIVE MAN: _(resentful)_Well, we'll never know that, will we?

JANE: But why rebuild me then? For the money to took to bring me & John back from the dead, you could have created a massive army!

ILLUSIVE MAN: You're more than just a lucky person, Shepherd. You're a symbol. Both to us, and to the enemy. I don't know if this race of sentient robots has feelings, but on the off chance it does, I want to play as dirty as I can.

JANE: This is going to take some convincing. How do I know you aren't just trying to play me?

ILLUSIVE MAN: _(victorious__ smirk_) I'd be disappointed if you were that easy to play. I relish a good opponent.

_(rethinks)_ Er… I mean ally. Sorry. This is going to take some getting used to for me as well. I have a shuttle ready to take you to Freedom's Progress, the latest colony to be hit.

JANE: Wait, if you knew it was just hit, why didn't you do anything about it?

ILLUSIVE MAN: Because all I know is that their communications just went dark, and this was the signal for several other similar events.

JANE: If this is true, I'll consider entering a temporary truce with you.

ILLUSIVE MAN: That's all I wanted to hear.

_(ILLUSIVE MAN hits a button and the SHEPHERDS are standing in the round dark room again.)_

JANE: Well that was strange.

JOHN: How was I supposed to know he was talking about the Reapers?

_(They walk up the stairs, and JOHN nudges JANE)_

JOHN: Give me a second, I'm going to go talk to Miranda

JANE: _(Raises__ an__ Eyebrow)_ You think you really have a prayer with little miss ice queen?

JOHN: What can I say, I love a challenge.

_(JOHN approaches MIRANDA, who is busily ignoring him while typing a report on the casualties lost at Lazarus Station)_

MIRANDA: The Illusive man is very impressed with you and your sister. I'm eager to see if you can live up to his expectations on this mission.

JOHN: What's the matter, you jealous?

MIRANDA: No. I merely question whether you and your sister have the combined brains to put together a jigsaw puzzle, let alone save the galaxy.

JOHN: Are you naturally this bitchy, or is it just me?

MIRANDA: Listen, you little twerp, I believe in Cerberus and its mission, and if you and your sister don't come through we're all going to be in a very deep hole. So excuse me if I don't embrace you and ask how great being dead was.

JOHN: Just remember who's in charge.

MIRANDA: Yes, your sister. Now stop bothering me.

_(JOHN stalks off, meanwhile JANE and JACOB have been having secretly taping the exchange for future use)_

JACOB: I'm glad the Illusive Man convinced you to join us, Commander.

JANE: Whoa, hold on there, Sancho. I haven't joined anything yet. However, if what Timmy in there says is true, I at least owe it to those colonists to find out what's going on.

JACOB: Timmy?

JANE: The. Illusive. Man. T.I.M. Seriously, none of you ever thought of that before?

JACOB: No… but it does have a kind of ring to it.

JANE: See, there, I knew you were smart. A bit gullible, maybe, but smart.

JACOB: That's why I was in real estate for the Alliance. They knew I could move a piece of crap land on a piece of crap planet faster than anyone.

JANE: Then why'd you leave?

JACOB: I was supposed to be able to do what I wanted, with no restrictions or rules, but there was so much red tape, I wasn't allowed to lie or exaggerate about the house's condition hardly at all! Do you have any idea what it is to be a real estate salesman who can't lie?

JANE: I can imagine. OK, that explains your leaving the alliance, but how do you go from real estate to terrorism?

JACOB: Let's just say I was tired of nothing ever making a difference. I thought things would change and I would be able to make a profit after the citadel attack freed up a lot of rental units, but before I even got rolling, the council came in with fresh pile of bureaucratic BS.

JANE: _(Acknowledging)_They are good at that.

JACOB: Cerberus is different. When they want a unit sold, they put me to it, and I can keep a 30% commission. No writing reports justifying the local termite population, just sign the paper and done.

JANE: If you're still doing real estate, what were you doing on the Lazarus Station, and why are you going to this colony with us?

JACOB: Well, Tim sent me over there to see about selling the station after you were resurrected, and that took a good deal longer than expected. And hello? Empty Planet? Can you say open house?

JANE: So, you're not a sycophant, just a profiteer?

JACOB: I go where the profit is.

JANE: Right.

_(JANE and JOHN meet at the shuttle, and are joined by JACOB & MIRANDA)_

_(JOHN sits in the corner and continues sulking, while MIRANDA addresses JANE)_

MIRANDA: We'll be there shortly, the Illusive Man put us under your command, do you have any orders? _(forced__ smile)_

JANE: Miranda, I'm not here to steal your position. Are you going to be ok working with me?

JACOB: She'll be fine, Ma'am. Tim didn't have you resurrected just so we could ignore you.

MIRANDA: Tim?

JACOB: Yes, Tim. The. Illusive. Man. Catchy, isn't it?

MIRANDA: I suppose it is at that. As for us, Commander, we'll see. Just keep your brother off my ass.

JANE: I can try, but you're the one wearing the skintight jumpsuit. I don't suppose you have any potato sacks?

MIRANDA: No. _(sidelong__ glance__ at__ JOHN,__who__ has__ lost__ his __sullen__ look,__ and__ now __has __his__ leer__ back__)_Though maybe I should invest in some.

JANE: Do you think we have any chance of finding out what happened?

JACOB: The other colonies we've been to had been hit by looters and government investigators first. Maybe this time we'll get a clean scene.

JANE: I thought Cerberus was the only one investigating this. Typical, Tim. Leave out the tiny detail that my job is already being done by professionals. _(Addressing__ the__ rest_) Alright, people, let's get out there and keep our eyes open. Maybe we can solve this big mystery, and I won't be stuck in a crisis where the only other people who believe me are terrorists.

_(The team walks through a totally deserted city. JOHN eats somebody's stale hamburger. Suddenly, they are attacked by Killer Robots.)_

JANE: Great… the killer robots are following us. Does anyone see a giant flaming gate nearby?

MIRANDA: No. Why would we? Anyhow, these robots were household servants for the colony. Someone programmed them to attack.

JACOB: Great. Do you realize how hard it is to sell Killer Robot territory?

_(They continue onward, and into another trailer. Inside are TALI 'ZORA NAR RAYYA, PRAZZA & squad. As the Shepherds approach, a Mexican standoff erupts with JOHN, JACOB, MIRANDA and all the quarians drawing their weapons. JANE & TALI try to cool things down)_

TALI: Prazza, you promised you'd let me handle this!

JANE: Guys, guys! Tali is ok!

MIRANDA: Those aliens have weapons on us Shepherd!

PRAZZA: I'm not taking any chances with Cerberus operatives!

TALI: PUT. THE. WEAPONS. DOWN. Or I will explain how I escaped Virmire. AGAIN.

_(All the quarians put down their guns as rapidly as possible, followed slowly by the Shepherd team)_

TALI: The Shepherds… is it really you? I thought you were dead. After Virmire, when no one returned my calls.

JANE: Cerberus just spent 2 years rebuilding me, Tali. In exchange, all they asked was that I visit this colony and solve a mystery.

PRAZZA: Why should we believe you? You're with them!

MIRANDA: We're investigating the disappearance of an entire human colony. How about you?

TALI: We're here for a fellow quarian who was on his pilgrimage. You haven't seen him have you?

JANE: No… But I would like to. If he was here, and survived the attack, he could be just what we need.

JACOB: What's a Pil… OW! _(JOHN__ kicks __him)_

JANE: _(Ignoring __them)_ I'm so glad to see you, Tali, I thought you'd died on Virmire. My numbskull brother was deleting your messages. I didn't find out until five minutes ago that you'd even survived!

TALI: It's ok Shepherd. I can tell you what happened… _(PRAZZA__'__s __eye__lights__ widen, __and__ there__ is__ an __almost__ imperceptible__ desperate__ negative__ shake __of__ his __head.)_

JANE: Perhaps another time. Why would Veetor come here? It wasn't exactly bustling even when it had people.

TALI: He was… unbalanced, and didn't like crowds.

PRAZZA: He's a nutcase. Who do you think set those killer robots up?

JOHN: So that's who I get to kill…

TALI & JANE: Stop it!

TALI: We saw him run away when we landed. He's holed up in the warehouse over there, but he's got it swarming with killer robots. Our best course of action would be to cooperate to defeat them, and then go after Veetor together.

PRAZZA: What, we're working with Cerberus now?

JANE: Hold it a second, what exactly did Tim do to you guys?

TALI: Tim?

JOHN: The Illusive Man. Roll with it.

PRAZZA: They infiltrated the flotilla, killed our people, and tried to blow up one of our ships!

JANE: That'd do it.

TALI: You're not working with Cerberus. You're working with me. And you'll do as I say. So we'll draw fire, while you go in headfirst?

MIRANDA: Grreaat.

_(The groups disperse, with TALI & crew going one way, and SHEPHERD's team going the other. Midway through overloading a few tiresome moving rocket robots, TALI interrupts over the radio)_

TALI: Shepherd! Prazza and his squad have gone on ahead. They were going to try to steal Veetor out from under you!

JOHN: Heheheh… under you.

TALI:..But they're in trouble. Veetor reprogrammed a heavy mech and it's tearing them apart!

MIRANDA: Serves them right.

JANE: Come on guys, you wouldn't be so cavalier about it if it were humans being blown to pieces!

_(Taking cover, they approach the Heavy Mech's location. They see it take out several quarians in a brutal manner. The huge robot very easily keeps them all pinned down with its barrages of bullets, interspersed with cover eliminating rocket fire)_

JANE: What IS that? What ne'er do well colony has one of those Big Daddys lying around!

JOHN: I don't know, but I want to kill it!

_(MIRANDA tries to step out and take a potshot, but at that same moment the Big Daddy fires a rocket that stuns her. She lies immobile in range of the Big Daddy's warming up guns. )_

JOHN: Oh no you don't, you sneaky narrator you.

_(JOHN moving so fast that time itself seems to have slowed, steps out and fires a heavy pistol directly into the Big Daddy's robot face. The head comes off, the body slumps over with a strange red glow emanating from it. JOHN runs back to MIRANDA, and only barely makes it back to cover before the Big Daddy explodes in mini-nuclear fashion.)_

MIRANDA: What the hell was one of those doing here?

_(With the only sign of TALI or PRAZZA being various blood trails that end in disgusting ways, the Shepherds proceed and open the warehouse door. A quarian is working feverishly at a huge wall of monitors, muttering nonsensical gibberish)_

VEETOR: 4 … 8… 15… 16… 23….42 Must type in the numbers every 108 minutes. No sleep… Monsters… Turn on killer robots…

JANE: It's Ok Veetor, You're safe now.

MIRANDA: He's pretty far gone. We're going to have to do something.

_(JOHN snaps out his pistol and fires a shot into one of the monitors, startling VEETOR out of his haze. JANE glares at him.)_

JOHN: What? I thought I saw a Robot! And it woke him up, didn't it?

VEETOR: What? Humans? How are you alive? The monsters didn't get you?

JACOB: No, but your robots certainly made a fair try.

JANE: We weren't here during the attack.

VEETOR: Ha ha ha. You weren't there. You didn't see. I saw everything.

_(VEETOR collapses in fit of insane laughter, accidentally tripping the monitors back on and playing a video showing the unconscious colonists being loaded into wagons and hauled away by huge cockroach like creatures who in turn are surrounded by smaller insects)_

MIRANDA: No… it can't be. A collector?

JANE: Those aren't stamps he's picking up…

JOHN: Though they are bobble heads!

_(They all stare at JOHN until he stops grinning)_

JANE: So what are "Collectors"?

JACOB: No one really knows what exactly they do. Only it's rumored that they live out in the unmapped space out beyond the Omega 4 relay, and that they eat anyone who tries to sneak through alive!

MIRANDA: They usually hire slavers or mercs to do their dirty work. Not many people see them in person.

JANE: Who does that remind you of?

_(MIRANDA merely glares at JANE. JANE returns to VEETOR, who has stopped laughing and is now looking in around in bewilderment, muttering)_

VEETOR: Am I in Purgatory? Are there Polar bears? WHERE THE HELL IS JACOB?

JACOB: I'm right here.

VEETOR: Did we blow up the island ok?

JANE: Yes, yes, you did wonderfully. The island is all gone now. How did you escape?

VEETOR: The monsters didn't find me. I ran away. I hid. The monsters don't find me.

JACOB: Maybe the suit hid him.

MIRANDA: Or Maaaybe the Collectors were only looking for Humans, and thereby ignored all other life signs on an alien planet, accidentally leaving a half crazy quarian behind. Mass Effect villains have made stupider mistakes.

JANE: Thank you for your help, Veetor. It's all going to be OK. J.J. Abrams will get what's coming to him.

_(VEETOR relaxes visibly, and slumps to the ground)_

MIRANDA: Time to go. Maybe we'll be able to get more out of him on the base.

JANE: I thought I was in…

_(TALI bursts in, furious)_

TALI: Shepherd, you can't do this. He needs medical attention, not an interrogation!

JACOB: We won't hurt him; we just need to see if he knows anything else.

MIRANDA: You people already betrayed us once. And look how that turned out.

TALI: Prazza is.. was .. an idiot. And he paid for it! You can take his omni tool data and this really weird video if you want it, but you'd better let me take him. _(Threatening)_ If only to keep my childhood psychological trauma a mystery…

JOHN: Deal. Now take little twinkle toes here and get.

JANE: Tali, you could join us, you know.

TALI: I'm sorry, but I have a secret mission that I absolutely positively cannot divulge here. I might see you later on though.

_(As TALI leaves, she waggles her fingers at JOHN)_

JANE: Oh, that's not good.

JOHN: I wonder…

JACOB: Excellent, here's the shuttle.

**INT: ILLUSIVE OBSERVATION ROOM: DAY**

_(The scanner thing whirrs again, and we see the SHEPHERDS once again in TIM's office. TIM is smoking another cigar and relaxing in his command chair)_

TIM: Good work, Shepherds. The quarians forwarded us the remaining data from the survivor. Nothing more than we already had but surprising, given our history.

JANE: You mean the time you got petty and decided to cripple their fleet because you thought it might be bigger than Earth's?

TIM: Well, you and I have different methods, but I don't argue with results.

JANE: Would it kill you to play nice?

TIM: Diplomacy is nice, but it can be difficult when the rest of galaxy already perceives you as a threat.

JANE: And whose fault would that be? I mean, why on earth would they have any doubt about sweet good hearted Timmy boy?

TIM: Timmy? Who is Timmy? What are you talking about? _(Shakes__ head)_ Never mind I don't want to know.

JANE: So what'd the data say?

TIM: It confirmed that the Collectors were indeed behind the attacks. And that Veetor is completely nuts.

JANE: That was a given. What aren't you telling me? You can't prove the Reapers are doing this, can you?

TIM: The patterns are there, buried in the data. It's the Reapers.

JANE: Right. And I'm supposed to just take your word for it?

TIM: Basically, yeah. Because why would I lie?

JOHN: _(Bored__&__Agitated)_So, the cockroach people took the colony? Does this mean I get to go kill them?

TIM: Well, yes and no. You'll need a team. Now I've composed a list of the best ….

JANE: We had a team. We could just bring them back.

JOHN: Yeah! I'd love to work with Wrex again!

TIM: They're not available.

JANE & JOHN: But why not?

TIM: Because Bioware doesn't want you killing them until the finale. Now stop arguing. Now my list has the best soldiers, scientists and mercs in the galaxy, and I'm sure you can convince them to join you. If not, this storyline would get really boring really fast. I'll continue to track the collectors, and I'll notify you if I find any more patterns in the data.

JANE: Fine. Truce on. But understand me, it's only until I deal with these bug people…

JOHN: And kick some major ass.

TIM: I highly recommend that you start by signing on the Doctor on Omega.

JANE: Doctor who?

TIM: Exactly. Incidentally, I took the liberty of hiring you a pilot. They say he's one of the best. And he can technobabble like nobody's business.

**INT: ILLUSIVE MEETING ROOM: DAY**

_(The door behind the SHEPHERDS opens and in shuffles JOKER)_

JOKER: Hi ya, Commander! Missed me?

JANE: It's good to see you, Joker! I'm so glad my last action before zombie-hood was to save your life.

JOKER: And boy was I grateful. Though watching you get spaced and now seeing you resurrected is going to seriously mess up my sleep cycle.

JANE: We got lucky, with a whole lot of strings attached.

JOHN: _(Cluing __in)_ Wait… You're that pilot guy. The one who told the Council it was Jane who did all the cool stuff that saved the Citadel. I hate you. I should break your thumbs.

JOKER: Great move on my part, by the way. Now this entire parody can be told from a totally different angle. I'm sure Jane's and my rapier wit combined will be enough to make the collectors beg to surrender.

JANE: How did you get involved with Cerberus?

JOKER: Have you seen the job market today? You try telling the interviewer that you're late because you broke your leg. Not to mention, the alliance sort of blacklisted me for that attempt at impressing the aliens before running away. The Council just doesn't want to face facts. That loop de loop was amazing.

JANE: When have they ever? But you really think you can trust Cerberus?

JOKER: I don't trust anyone who makes more money than I do. Tim included.

JANE: Aha, I knew it would catch on!

JOKER: Yeah, it's all over the station now. But I gotta say, he did save your lives, and he put me back in the air, and then there's this.

_(JOKER points dramatically at a window. JOHN & JANE peer through it, seeing nothing)_

JOHN: and then there's a window?

JANE: It's a nice sort of murk, if you like such things.

JOKER: Oh damn.

_(JOKER flicks the light switch and the stereo switch at the same time and inspiring brass music plays as we see that the window is actually overlooking a massive docking bay where a full scale rebuilt version of the NORMANDY is waiting)_

JOHN: _(Awed__ whistle)_

JANE: Wooow.

JOKER: They just told me last night. I've been working for the guy for who knows how long, and I never even suspected he might have hired me to fly my old ship again!

JOHN: Can we change the name? The "Badass" would be pretty cool.

JOKER & JANE: No.

_(Inspiring music continues to play, and the NORMANDY 2.0 takes off into space. How the Shepherds and their crew got on board, no one knows. But the rest is history)_


	2. Chapter 3: My Friend The Doctor

**Mock Effect 2**

**Chapter 3: My Friend The Doctor**

**INT: NORMANDY 2.0 MAIN DECK: DAY**

_(Dramatic music plays as the Shepherds appears on board, and view the main deck for the first time.)_

JOHN: _(Whispers to JANE)_ It looks just like the old one.

JANE: Shhh, you'll hurt their feelings.

JACOB: Welcome to the New Normandy, Commander!

MIRANDA: _(Ignoring the obvious import of the moment)_ I think our first step should be to go pick up that scientist on Omega.

JOHN: Doctor what's-his-name? Why do we need him … or her… or it? I can never tell with Salarians.

JANE: Because without his expertise, we'll be covered by those little mosquito things in seconds. We need him to develop a better can of OFF so we can avoid being freeze rayed.

DISEMBODIED FEMALE VOICE: Acquiring the Doctor is the most logical choice.

_(JANE & JOHN react, looking around the room for the offender. JOHN draws his pistol, and almost fires it when a blue globe appears behind JANE)_

BLUE GLOBE: Hello, Shepherd, I am the Normandy 2.0's Artificial Intelligence; the crew likes to call me EDI. Mainly because I told them to, and if they do, I leave them alone in the shower.

JOHN: Jane… it's talking Jane.

JANE: Hmm… Could come in handy. But if it starts asking me if I want to install extranet explorer, I'm out the window.

EDI: Actually, Commander, I only have control over the weapons systems in a combat situation, the rest of the time, I observe and offer analysis & advice. Constantly.

JANE: What kind of advice?

EDI: Well, for one thing, that casual wear does nothing for you. You should take the elevator up to the top floor, and change into something more interesting.

_(JANE glares and EDI disappears)_

JOHN: _(Turning around wildly) _Where is it? I'll blow it up like I did that rocket base on the moon.

MIRANDA: Give EDI a chance, Shepherd. She'll grow on you. Now if you need us, Jacob and I will be at our stations. Have a look around and then tell Joker where you want to go.

_(As MIRANDA leaves, the SHEPHERDS are approached by an attractive redhead with a clipboard under her arm)_

REDHEAD: Oh. My. God. It's Really You. When they said you were dead, I was, like, bummed, but when I heard they'd like, resurrected you, I was like, YIPPEE! I'm Yeoman Kelly Chambers, and I've been assigned as your … uh… assistant or something.

JANE: _(Sarcastically) _Terrific.

KELLY: I gotta say, Commander, it's going to be such an honor to work under you. _(bats her eyelashes)_

JOHN: _(Enthusiastically)_ Terrific!

JANE: Oh Dear Lord… Well, we're pleased to have you on the team, Ms. Chambers, now if you don't mind…

KELLY: Please, call me Kelly. I'll manage, like, your e-mail, and other stuff.

JOHN: Heheheh. Exactly what kind of "other stuff"?

KELLY: Well, I took these extranet courses on psychology, and like, Tim thought I was really good at it. I had been hanging out with him, but after your last mission, he thought you could use someone to help, like, to get through it all. I guess when everyone on the ship you're on is going to get spaced, you can get pretty bummed. So, like, I'm here to cheer them up!

_(JOHN assumes a depressed look until JANE kicks him)_

JANE: This is Tim getting even with me over sending Veetor back, isn't it?

KELLY: I just wanted to tell you how glad I am that you're here working for Cerberus. We were handpicked _(whispers in awe) _by Tim himself _(resumes normal voice)_ to fight, like, the greatest threat ever!

JANE: You don't have any problem with their terrorist agenda?

KELLY: NOooo! How could you say such a thing? Tim is the nicest guy I've ever met, 'cept your brother here _(bats eyelashes again)_, and Cerberus is always trying to do the right thing by humans. But like, just because I like dogs, doesn't mean I don't like cats.

JANE: What is with the weird animal analogies in this series? First it is dogs and bears, then cat shelters? I keep expecting a giraffe to turn up somewhere.

KELLY: _(Continuing)_ I mean, I've loved Asari, Quarians, Turians, Salarians, and even the Hanar. But the best lover I ever had was a human, and the guy who was talking about Cerberus made them sound, like, pretty awesome. So they asked me if I wanted to sign on, and I was like, Duh!

JANE: _(sigh) _Kelly, Cerberus is not the good guys. They have killed whole colonies of humans and aliens in order to make their point. You can't honestly believe in their ludicrous racist plans for human domination!

KELLY: _(Frowning in Pity)_ I'm sorry you feel that way; I hope time will change your mind.

JOHN: Well, I'm convinced!

_(JANE hits her head against the nearest wall repeatedly)_

JANE: At least tell me where my e-mail is.

_(KELLY, smiling at JOHN, points in the general direction of an open computer. JANE opens up her e-mail and finds that in 2 years, Spam mail has not decreased. She spends 20 minutes selecting off color messages about "making your Elcor friends jealous" and deleting them. She is left with 3 or 4 messages requesting "urgent" help and a letter from Captain Anderson. The letter reads as follows)_

ANDERSON: Dear Shepherds. I have heard through the super space grapevine that you might be alive, but I can't explain how or why. If you really are alive, and if you are still using this e-mail account, get in touch me on the Citadel as soon as possible. We really need to talk about movie rights.

Signed, Councilor Anderson.

Ps. Check out the sequels to Mass Effect: Revelation. There's Ascension & Retribution. Available at all good bookshops.

_(JANE shakes her head, closes the computer, removes JOHN from his in-depth conversation with KELLY about alien sex rituals, and heads up to JOKER's seat in the Cockpit)_

JOKER: Can you believe this Commander? It's my baby only better! And LEATHER seats. The Alliance may have top of the line guns, but they don't know squat about comfortable upholstery!

EDI: Thank you for noticing Mr. Moreau. Though I must advise that you not lean so far back in it, you might fall out. And with your medical history, that would be a difficult situation for all of us.

JOKER: _(Glaring)_ And there's the downside. The ship is talking to me. I do enough talking to myself; I do not need a blue blob popping up every ten minutes to tell me to stop picking my nose.

JANE: You think you got problems? I have a terrorist bimbo out there taking my messages, an over the top ice queen acting as my second in command…

JOHN: Wha… I thought I was your No. 2!

JANE: Turn about is fair play, buddy. Now go get me some coffee. One cream, two sugars, stirred counter-clockwise. And see if you can drum up a cheese danish.

_(JOHN heads towards the back of the ship)_

JANE:… not to mention the profiteer real-estate agent managing my armory, and a genocidal maniac watching my every move. So, go ahead, Joker, tell me why it's such an inconvenience to you to ignore another voice in your head. If it's so difficult play with some clay or something, that'll reduce your stress.

JOKER: Sheesh, don't overreact or anything. But we are staying, right? I mean, this seat is real leather!

JANE: Good to see you're keeping things in perspective…Yes, we're staying. But only until I get to the bottom of these colony disappearances. Then we're out of here.

EDI: Mr. Moreau, your gaming console is ready.

JANE: Try not to suffer too much.

_(After examining the virtual model of the Normandy for a moment, JANE proceeds towards the Elevator. The doors open, and there is JOHN halfway to third base with KELLY)_

JANE: A-hem.

JOHN: Wait… this isn't right. We've not even heard the announcement yet.

JANE: _(mock announcer voice) _In other news, Bioware listens to their millions of frustrated fans who longed for shorter load times in the Mass Effect Sequel. This will severely hinder those trying to get lucky in the elevator when they're supposed to be getting their Commander's coffee.

JOHN: Cry me a river.

JANE: Would you at least get out of the elevator so I can use it? I'll send it back down so you can start cleaning.

_(JANE goes inside the Elevator, and hits the Captain's Cabin button. She steps into a very nice cabin, nothing like Captain Anderson's dark cubby hole on Normandy 1.0. There's a fish tank, a stereo and a closet. There's even a working toilet. In the center of the room there is a huge bed, subtly indicating that KELLY & JOHN aren't the only ones trying to get lucky on this mission.)_

_(JANE summons the elevator then takes it back down to the crew deck. JOHN is scrubbing away, muttering many impolite things about JANE's personal life. JANE ignores him, and walks up to a curmudgeonly man who is busy scrubbing a plunger in the kitchen sink.)_

CREWMAN: _(Over Shepherd's shoulder)_ Chef's surprise again, Rupert?

RUPERT: _(Holding up plunger, throwing "water" all over the place) _I'm sorry, princess, would you prefer filet mignon and caviar? I'll get right on that, as soon as I set the table and get out my doilies! _(Turns to JANE as she approaches)_ Commander Shepherd! Hero of the Citadel! Pleased to meet'cha!

JANE: Pleased to meet you. What's your name and what do you do here?

RUPERT: I'm Rupert Gardiner, and I'm the ship's cook, among other things.

JANE: _(Eyeing the plunger)_ Other things?

RUPERT: Well, let's see. I'm the cook, the plumber, the janitor, the electrician, and I manage the air conditioning. We pull our weight on a Cerberus ship!

JANE: Right. You mean the organization that spent billions of credits to bring me back from the dead and billions more building an improved replica of my ship can't afford to hire a janitor?

RUPERT: Well… when you put it that way…

JANE: John, get over here!

JOHN: _(Still muttering)_ What do you want now?

JANE: _(Taking plunger from Rupert and handing it to JOHN) _Congratulations, you're now the ship's Janitor/Plumber. Get to work.

JOHN: But, but… That's his job.

JANE: Not anymore! You can take Mr. Whineyface over there with you. He has the time to bitch about the food, he can do the electrical and air conditioning work.

JOHN: _(Glaring) _Oh you're gonna pay for this.

JANE: Not today I'm not. Now off with you! _(Turns back to Rupert)_ You were saying?

RUPERT: Wow. Thanks Commander, but if you could do me just one more favor…

JANE: What do you need? Don't tell me they have you on Airlock duty too!

RUPERT: Oh no, I swapped that off for plumbing with Dr. Bastillasmother. But if you could pick me up some groceries, that would be great.

JANE: Seriously? A Cook/Janitor and no groceries? Where the hell did Joker's leather chair come from?

RUPERT: Ha! That's not leather. And while I have you here, we also need engine couplings.

JANE: I should go.

RUPERT: Thanks again Commander! Oh, and could you pick up some Brandy if you see any?

_(JANE ignores him and takes the elevator back up to the CIC. Selecting Omega on the map, she goes back up to her Cabin. JOKER, as usual, insists on making a fancy landing.)_

**INT: OMEGA ASTEROID DOCK: NIGHT**

_(JANE, JOHN, MIRANDA & JACOB enter the docking bay, and are approached by a nervous Salarian)_

SALARIAN: Hello…uh…Welcome to Omega…uh… if you could please give me all your cash now…uh… that would be good.

_(A Batarian approaches him from behind)_

BATARIAN: YOU! GET OUT OF HERE! This is our turf! Only we're allowed to mug the passengers!

SALARIAN: Of course, whatever you say, Moklan, whatever Aria wants!

MOKLAN: Damn scavengers. Always trying to rob the _(notices Shepherd's weapons)_ er… heavily armed …er… visitors to our station.

JOHN: Are you going to try to rob us too?

MOKLAN: Oh no! I'm just here to deliver a message from Aria, our unscrupulous boss. She wants to know what a zombie version of the hero of the Citadel is doing here.

JANE: _(sighs)_ I'm not really a zombie. I think. I mean, I don't feel like a zombie. But then again, zombies don't feel anything, so technically that's impossible, but you know what I mean. Anyhow, relax. I'm not here to cause problems for the alien mafia.

MOKLAN: _(snorts) _As if you could bother Aria. We're more concerned about how everything around you seems to explode. It's bad for business. So she "requests" you come visit her at "your earliest convenience." And bring your brother; she wants to talk to him especially.

JOHN: Finally! Some Respect!

MOKLAN:… About his nasty habit of shooting up bars. It would be a very bad idea here.

_(MOKLAN walks away. JANE and crew continue down the hallway, whereupon they find a brutally scarred older man holding a batarian at gunpoint.)_

BATARIAN: Please help me!

JANE: Is there a problem here?

_(The "OLD MAN" turns and readies his pistol with lightning speed, startling JOHN into silence. He watches the continuing conversation with awe in his eyes)_

JANE: Whoa, hold it there! I just wanted to know why the innocent was crying for help. That's usually a sign of an experience point producing side quest.

OLD MAN: None of your business…

BATARIAN: HELP ME!

_(The OLD MAN hauls the BATARIAN up and punches him in the face)_

OLD MAN: Shut it! _(Turns back to SHEPHERDS)_ You must be the Shepherd twins. They warned me the broad was a bit of a softie. I'm Zaeed Massani. Cerberus told me to be on the lookout for you two. Said I was to join up with you and save the galaxy.

JANE: _(Mutters) _Sure, why not, let's throw a psychopath on the team. This is what you get, Jane, for dealing with terrorists. _(Aloud) _ Good to have you with us, Zaeed. Are we taking this fellow with us?

ZAEED: Ha. No. This little pipsqueak is getting turned in for the bounty on his head. Thought he could outrun me, but they ALL come to Omega. Not sure why really. It's an asteroid in the middle of the galaxy, and there are like 6 other whole planets, but they all like it on this rock, so I simply wait for them to arrive. Takes the fun out of the chase, really.

BATARIAN: I didn't do it! Help me please!

_(ZAEED kicks the BATARIAN in the head)_

ZAEED: So anyways, you were saying?

JANE: _(Horrified)_ Why exactly are you coming with us again?

ZAEED: A LOT of money. And a side mission we'll get to later.

JANE: OK, we can afford to hire psychopaths and rebuild ships, but not a janitor? _(sighs) _Whatever. Get your stuff on board the ship.

ZAEED: Alright! Time to be big goddam heroes!

_(The BATARIAN makes a last dash for freedom towards … a dead end hallway. ZAEED off handedly pulls his pistol and shoots the BATARIAN in the leg.)_

ZAEED: Better turn this thing it before it starts to stink. See you later, Shepherd. _(Exit ZAEED)_

JANE: Right. Later. Woo.

JOHN: _(finally finding his tongue)_ That was awesome! … I want to be him!

JANE: How do you know you're not?

JOHN: Huh?

JANE: Well, this being a sci-fi storyline, it wouldn't be too out of character to have you in the future fighting a heretofore unnamed beastie and get caught in a time warp which would transport you back to our time. But you can't tell you that you're you, or you might destroy the space time continuum.

JOHN: Huh?

MIRANDA: Commander, really. Can we get a move on?

_(JANE reluctantly follows them outside. In the center of the dock, there is an enormous nightclub, AFTERLIFE, which has a hallway leading to the main entrance. A small gang of several batarians approaches them half way, snapping their fingers, forcing JOHN to respond to prove his coolness)_

JOHN: What are you looking at, fly eyes?

BATARIANS: I don't know, what are you looking at, puny human?

JOHN: _(Evil Grin)_ The fly eye whose day I'm about to ruin. _(Draws gun)_

BATARIANS: Hey now, we don't want trouble!

JOHN: Well maybe **I **am. It looks like I've found some. You want to help me sort it out, or run home to your bug faced mothers?

BATARIANS: AAaaahhh!

_(JOHN keeps his gun trained on the fleeing gang, while JANE just shakes her head. They enter the busy nightclub, JOHN promptly orders a drink, downs it, and tips the bartender 50 credits.)_

JANE: That was… generous … of you, Johnny.

JOHN: Not really. It's from your account.

JANE: Jerk.

_(They approach the guarded area in the back of the club, and are asked to wait while an imposing asari talks to a suited human)_

ASARI: Get out of my sight! And if you screw up this one, you'll be the one waking up with the head of a Varren in your bed!

_(The beggar kisses the ASARI's ring and then exits the nightclub as quickly as possible. The Asari motions for the Shepherds to approach but holds up a hand for them to pause while they are scanned)_

SCANNER: They're clean

JANE: I'm guessing you're not scanning for weapons, because I'm armed to the teeth here.

ARIA: You can't be too careful with zombies. Though the super space grapevine did mention you were alive and back in business.

JANE: Where the heck are they getting their information? I just woke up 48 hours ago! Anyhow, are you the person to ask questions?

ARIA: Depends on your questions. And my mood. I may give you the wrong answers just to see you squirm. Because I'm bitchy like that.

JANE: You run this dump?

ARIA: I AM … _(blinks then turns to face them with an annoyed look) _Omega, It's called Omega. End of the Greek alphabet anyone? And now you've ruined my first dramatic line. I don't have many in this game, and you ruined it! Now ask me again!

JANE: Sorry. You run Omega?

ARIA: I AM OMEGA. You could call me the boss, the CEO, the queen if you're feeling dramatic. It doesn't matter. Omega has no designated ruler and only one rule: DON'T. F***. WITH. ARIA.

JANE: Whoa. This shit just got serious. Where's Fox news when you need them?

JOHN: _(suddenly interested)_ Who's Aria?

ARIA: I am, dumbass.

JOHN: Oh._ (Resumes admiring the dancers)_

JANE: We're here to find Mordin Solus, do you know where he is?

ARIA: Sure. He's in the middle of war / plague zone where dying aliens have nothing better to do than shoot each other. I've been watching it on the video cameras. Damn fine television. And Mordin's doing quite well for himself. Has a clinic and everything. Always liked Mordin. He's as likely to shoot you as he is to heal you.

JANE: That's an odd attitude for a Doctor.

ARIA: I guess that's the way with brilliant doctors. They go a bit insane after awhile. Just bring earplugs. He can talk the suit off a quarian, that one.

JANE: Thank you.

ARIA: One moment. Both you and your trigger happy brother need to hear this.

JANE: What?

ARIA: I hear you make a habit of shooting up establishments just because it appeals to your skewed morals. You do that here, I'll have you thrown out an airlock. Is that understood?

JANE: Perfectly. Johnny, you got it?

_(Instead of responding, JOHN's eyes roll back in his head and he falls over unconscious. JANE throws him over her shoulder and takes him outside.)_

JOHN: What happened, I only had one drink!

TOTAL STRANGER: Looks like you broke the #1 rule on Omega.

JANE: Don't F*** with Aria?

TOTAL STRANGER: Ok, #2 rule. I was trying to be dramatic. Exccuuuse me. The #2 rule is: Don't order a drink at Afterlife if you're human.

JOHN: They poisoned me!

TOTAL STRANGER: Yep. Got my buddy too. You must be the first person to survive it. Do you run a lot?

JOHN: That and Mop. Thanks to this ungrateful sibling.

JANE: Are you ok?

JOHN: I'm fine, Madam Overlord. But I'm going to go give that bartender a taste of his own medicine.

JANE: No! We can't just kill him! That's not fair. At least give him a chance to explain himself!

JOHN: He's going to die, one way or the other.

JANE: Let me talk to him first!

_(They re-enter the bar and approach the counter where JOHN got his drink)_

BARTENDER: Do I know you? Nawww. You puny humans all look the same. Here, have a drink on the house.

JANE: Like hell. This poisoning routine is over. I don't know it got to be the #2 rule in Omega without your all seeing queen or co-workers noticing, but it stops here.

BARTENDER: Oh shit, it was you. How did you survive? I mean my poison was pretty damn strong

JANE: We're zombies, and who knows what extra parts they put in John.

PASSING TURIAN: Did you say he was poisoning people? Son of a Bitch!

_(BANG, the TURIAN shoots the BARTENDER in the face)_

JANE: Why would yo…nevermind. Happy now, John?

JOHN: Much better, thank you. _(Takes the BARTENDER's wallet and tip jar)_

JANE: Good, now let's go pick up this scientist!

_(They can't catch a shuttle, so they walk over to the apartment complex. As they walk up, they interrupt a guard and a resident arguing. JOHN is itching for a fight)_

RESIDENT: But all my stuff's in there.

GUARD: Lady, you're not getting in.

RESIDENT: Why not, humans can't get the disease!

GUARD: Because even if they can't, which hasn't been proven yet, there are still two gangs trying to kill each other before the plague does, and neither of them like humans, least of all during a plague humans are believed to have orchestrated!

RESIDENT: But Why? _(GUARD just rolls his eyes)_

JOHN: We're going in looking for Doctor Mordin Solus.

GUARD: Yeah, I know who he is, but I have orders.

JOHN: Screw your orders. I've been mostly dead for two years, demoted to janitor, and have recently been poisoned, I'm having a rotten day. Do you really want to be in my way?

GUARD: _(Unlocks) _Go right in.

RESIDENT: Hey, he gets in? Why not me?

GUARD: Because I'm practical. Four heavily armed and armored soldiers in a bad mood vs. one guard who still waiting for his lunch break does not create a happy equilibrium. And what am I gonna do, go after them? Hello! I'm a Turian? Plague Zone?

**INT:OMEGA SLUMS:NIGHT**

_(JOHN leads the team past the guards until he spots a bank terminal. He attempts to hack in, but runs out of chances because he hits the wrong arrow key three times in a row. JANE continues past him and tries to administer aid to a dying batarian)_

DYING BATARIAN: Get back! _(weakly tries to hold gun on JANE) _You humans don't even have the decency to let me finish dying before you rob me!

JANE: Do I look like I'm trying to rob you? I have my hand on my medigel dispenser.

DYING BATARIAN: Ha. And now you try to pretend you want to help me? Stay away, I want to suffer as much as possible. AUGH! _(dying groan)_

JANE: This genius must know Councilor Curly somehow. Only he was capable of such convoluted logic.

_(JOHN removes the now dead batarian's wallet and they continue on their way, shooting a few VORCHA gremlin things that have an annoying habit of regenerating health and coming back with flamethrowers Eventually they find MORDIN's Clinic. There is a pile of bodies in front of it and some high grade robots with guns pointed at them)_

JANE: This is the health clinic?

JOHN: This is why I hate doctors.

JANE: Why? Because of the enormous pile of bodies outside his door?

JOHN: No, because not one of them has an "I had a good time" sticker on them. What kind of Doctor is so cheap he doesn't give out stickers?

JANE: You amaze me sometimes.

JOHN: Thank you.

JANE: … and then there are other times I wonder just how the hell we're related.

_(They go into the clinic and are asked to wait in the waiting room. Three hours later, after JANE has finished the last ancient "Space Geographic" and JOHN has flipped through all the channels exactly 278 times, they are admitted to the Doctor's Laboratory. )_

JANE: Doctor Solus?

MORDIN: _(Startled) _Who are you? Doesn't matter, I will use deductive reasoning to determine your purpose. Heavily armed soldiers who somehow made it past my obvious warning signs without my being called to come and shoot the hell out of them. Probably want something. Oh wait. Everyone wants something. Money? Not in this neighborhood. Though there are a surprising number of bank terminals and spacious apartments in these "slums". The leading male and female are related, based on the nose structure…

JOHN: ENOUGH! Listen to me you little dweeb, I'm having a rotten da…

MORDIN: A-hem. _(Nods to the numerous Mechs around him bristling with weapons all aimed at JOHN)_. Perhaps you'd wish to rephrase?

JANE: What my idiot brother here is trying to say, Doctor, is that we need your help on a critical mission to save lives.

MORDIN: And you thought I might be free? Did you happen to notice anything on your way in here, like maybe the quarantine signs or the armed guards? Perhaps the piles of burning bodies escaped your notice. We're not going anywhere. So who sent you, Cerberus?

JANE: Wow! How'd you guess that? Deductive reasoning?

MORDIN: Well, it helped that they have their logo on your armor.

JANE: _(disappointed)_ Right.

MORDIN: I find it odd that Cerberus Operatives should show up in the middle of an obviously engineered plague that ignores humans, don't you? You'll excuse me if I don't believe a word you're saying.

JOHN: Man, if we were trying to kill all you aliens, why would we come here and ask for your help? Even I'm smart enough to know it's easier to just blow you up.

MORDIN: Disturbing though his perspective is, the male twin has a point. So if not to kill me and destroy my cure, why are you here?

JANE: The Collectors are harvesting entire human colonies, and Cerberus has asked me to look into it, find out why they are doing it, and then stop them from doing it anymore.

MORDIN: Interesting. Aside from likelihood of Cerberus involvement, Collectors could feasibly accomplish the same feat. If so, I would be inclined to agree with you and follow you to annihilate them in return. Just one thing to do first, however, and that's lift the quarantine by dispensing the cure. But there's a gang of Vorcha in front, and a couple insane diseased Krogan inside, and I would like you to see about finding my assistant while you're out there.

JOHN : Just once, I wish we could recruit somebody and they would say, "Sure, see you on the ship later" but noooo. But now we have to go rescue this dweeb's assistant and save the planet before he'll agree to go with us? Could this get any more annoying?

_(The ventilation system fails)_

MORDIN: I believe that answers your question? Easily recruitable party members are what downloadable content is for!

JANE: Come on let's go before you suck up all the air with your big mouth.

_(They travel down the exit hallway, and pause to investigate a sound coming from a side room.)_

JOHN: Maybe it's another sick guy with a safe full of valuables.

_(They open the door, guns raised, and find the assistant DANIEL being held by three batarians. The RINGLEADER speaks)_

RINGLEADER: Your friend's dead if you take another step!

JOHN: He's not my friend and neither are you, bug face!

_(JOHN opens fire, killing the ringleader and setting off a firefight that wounds DANIEL)_

DANIEL: _(In shock) _You… killed them! Are you insane? They were going to negotiate! _(motions to bloody wound)_ What if they had better aim? If I weren't so woozy from blood loss, I'd kick your ass myself!

JANE: Don't worry. He'll pay for this. You'd be surprised how long it takes to get blood stains off armor.

JOHN: I hate you. I really do.

_(After dosing DANIEL with medigel and fighting a surprisingly well armed army of Vorcha, they arrive at the control center. The Lead Vorcha takes a moment to indulge in maniacal laughter before JOHN headshots him)_

JANE: Really? Are you in a hurry or something?

JOHN: This chapter of the story is way too long already. I'm just trying to speed things up. And besides, who doesn't love a good headshot?

_(JANE shrugs, and they walk over to the air conditioning and pull a switch. How this switch knows what dosage to pump out or when to stop, the writers don't tell us. But let's assume it's a space age air conditioner and knows when everyone is cured. The Team returns to MORDIN's lab)_

DANIEL: Professor, I was very nearly killed! That maniac shot them while they had me at gunpoint! A split second later and I would be dead!

MORDIN: And probably not here badgering me about having your life saved. What do you want me to do about it? Stare at them and shame the male twin into apologizing? As you can see from his body language, this is unlikely to happen. Go write about it in your blog or something. Just go away!

JANE: Well, we held up our end of the bargain. Again. Ready to join the team?

MORDIN: Not quite yet. Still have to go pay protection money for the clinic. Now that you've killed the Vorcha, the gangs that run this place will want their due. And probably a brief chat about the teams I killed and displayed outside my clinic. Now that you mention it, I think it would be an excellent time to take a vacation. I can leave Daniel in charge. It will be interesting to see if he survives. So where do you want to go next?

JANE: I was thinking we could pick up the other guy on this crazy asteroid. Some Robin Hood type. It's time we fulfilled one of John's childhood dreams.

JOHN: _(Excited) _A threesome with an Asari and a Quarian?

JANE: No. Joining a gang. You can push as many people around as you want, just so long as you don't kill the future party member.

_(JOHN smiles all the way back to the ship)_


	3. Chapter 4: REAL Leather

**Mock Effect 2**

**Chapter 4: REAL Leather**

**INT: OMEGA: AFTERLIFE CLUB: DAY**

JANE: Allright, we've upgraded what we can, we're in armor that doesn't immediately identify us as terrorists and I'm hesitantly about to let you take over Johnny. Just remember what the Asari said about shooting up her club, ok?

JOHN: Yeah yeah yeah. Tossed out an airlock into a scorpion pit. Whatever.

JANE: No, not whatever. I have no desire to spacewalk without a helmet.

JOHN: Fine. No shooting up the club. Aside from that, I'm in charge this time?

JANE: _(Reluctantly)_ For now. Just try not to do anything too stupid, please…

JOHN: Then I'm bringing in Zaeed and… What's her face… the hot chick. He can shoot, and I need to save her life again if I'm ever going to get lucky.

JANE: Yep… Psychopath and the Terrorist Spy… Not stupid at all.

JOHN: Hey, you said I was in charge.

JANE: Fine. Zaeed & Miranda it is then.

_(They enter the recruiting station for the Blue Suns. The CLERK is very busy)_

CLERK: Next! Hmm. Boy you guys are well prepared. Grenade launchers, machine pistols, is that a hand cannon? Looking for a fight are we?

JOHN: Ab-so-lutely.

JANE: _(Mutters)_ Doesn't matter if we do, one always finds us.

CLERK: _(Noticing Jane) _Sorry honey, you're in the wrong place, the stripper signups are across the way.

_(JANE just stares at him, mouth agape.)_

JOHN: I guess the stripper standards are a bit more lax out here. Get along then.

_(JANE draws her pistol and puts it under JOHN's chin.)_

JOHN: Uh… nevermind? _(JANE cocks pistol) _uh… Sorry sis. I didn't mean it. Please don't blow my head off.

JANE: _(Holstering Pistol) _That's better.

CLERK: Er…. Maybe not, then. Anyhow, the standard fee is 500 credits each. You get paid when the job's done if you survive.

JANE: if we survive?

CLERK: _(Ignoring her)_ If you do not survive, your friends will not collect your share, and anything left on your body will become the property of the quickest responding gang member. You'll need your own armor and weapons. Please fill out these next of kin forms.

JANE: Wait a minute, you keep mentioning survival. Is there a high likelihood we're going to die?

CLERK: Listen girlie, we're funneling untrained morons across an unprotected space against an entrenched sniper. The chances of survival are next to nil. Ask the boss why if you want, but I have no clue. I'm just thrilled to have pulled recruitment duty today.

JOHN: Why all the fuss for this guy? I'm all for shooting someone in the face, but what's one crusader going to do that's worth a three gang cooperative to remove him?

CLERK: Everything he does pisses someone off. It's catching up to him. If he's not interrupting our initiation rituals, he's interfering with our minor robberies. Last month he shot up our leading reform candidate. He sent a message saying that was a mistake; that we should still reform. By that time we weren't interested.

JOHN: That's a shame, it's always annoying when you shoot the wrong people. Anyhow, where do we sign?

CLERK: Here, here and here. What kind of flowers do you want sent to your loved ones? The Blue Suns want you to know we care. Take a cab down to the hideout, you'll get more "directions" there. It was nice knowing you! Next!

_(A KID walks in, waving a newish gun around)_

KID: Is this where I sign up for some action?

JOHN: Over there.

JANE: Aren't you a little young?

KID: Yeah, but I make up for my lack of experience with enthusiasm! Down with Archangel! RAH RAH RAH!

JANE: This isn't a pep rally, you imbecile. Here let me see your gun.

_(The KID hands it to her, boasting)_

KID: I got it for 50 credits at the pawn shop. Time to kick some ass!

_(JANE swiftly jams it with a broken heat sink.)_

JANE: There you go. Now if you try to fire it, it will blow up in your face, accomplishing your goal of suicide much more efficiently.

CLERK: Excuse me; I'm trying to run a business here! Can you take your moral lecture somewhere else? Next!

_(They exit the recruiting center, and start walking to the cab stand)_

JOHN: You said I was in charge.

JANE: When it comes to bad guys, sure. When it comes to stupid kids and virtual suicide, I make the rules. Sorry. Just think of it as less blood to clean off your armor.

JOHN: I hate you.

**INT: OMEGA: ARCHANGEL'S HIDEOUT: DAY**

_(They take a cab to the hot zone, whereupon they are greeted by a polite batarian)_

BATARIAN: Good afternoon, and welcome to the Archangel annihilation zone. My name's Salkie, I'll be your guide for a few minutes. It looks like you came prepared.

JOHN: Yep. Now where's the target? I'm looking forward to shooting his eyes out!

JANE: _(Whispers)_ We're not trying to kill him Johnny… We're trying to recruit him.

JOHN: Yeah yeah yeah, shut up, I'm having fun. So where's the target?

SALKIE: Just follow the bodies, you can't miss it. You'll be acting as the distraction team, so the guys we've managed to sneak over there can get close enough to take him down.

JANE: How'd you get past his sniper fire?

SALKIE: We pinned him down with a gunship.

JOHN: You have a gunship, and he's still up there?

SALKIE: Er… well, we kind of don't have it anymore. He shot it down…

JOHN: Now that's what I'm talking about! A real challenge.

JANE: So how many guys are attacking this lone sniper?

SALKIE: Three gang's worth, but instead of wasting manpower, we've been recruiting morons to run into his line of fire on the promise of cash if they succeed where the rest failed. It's been tremendously entertaining.

JOHN: See, I told you. Everybody loves a good headshot.

SALKIE: Go see Sgt. Cathka. He'll tell you when to go across.

JANE: Sure. _(SALKIE leaves)_ Hold up guys, I want to look around a bit first.

_(They politely smile and nod and walk into the various gang HQ's. Surprisingly, Archangel's been nailing most of the Gang's accountants, and with a little hacking skill, JANE picks up a not too shabby number of credits. In one alcove, there's a huge "Big Daddy" robot like the one that nearly killed them on Freedom's Progress. JANE fiddles with it for a moment then allows JOHN to take them over to SGT. CATHKA)_

JOHN: You Cathka?

CATHKA: _(From behind engine)_ In a moment. I said I wasn't taking calls! _(Steps out)_ Oh… must have gone for coffee. What can I do to help you?

JOHN: We're here to shoot Archangel.

CATHKA: That's what you interrupted me for? Get in line. I'll let you know when we're ready, princess. Not like you could hit anything anyway.

JOHN: _(Blinks)_ Princess? Princess? Listen, you octopus, I can hit an four eyed nerd like you across a whole classroom! And believe me, I've had some big classrooms.

CATHKA: Whatever. Go whine to someone else, princess.

_(JOHN's eye starts twitching, JANE pulls ZAEED and MIRANDA back. As they look on, JOHN takes the electric wrench spanner and shoves it into SGT. CATHKA's equipment pack. The attack buzzer drowns out the noise of the electrocuted batarian. JANE ushers them into the line, and they start crawling towards Archangel's lair.)_

JANE: I shouldn't have let you do that.

JOHN: Princess…. Who's the princess now, jerk? He deserved it.

JANE: Then again, he was repairing the gunship that could attack us later on.

JOHN: Yeah, that's why I did it. Strategic planning, that's me. So do you think Archangel will know it's we're here to help?

JANE: Think about it. You've been fighting off wave after wave of fighters for hours on end, so high on caffeine you could light up the Citadel, and going just a bit crazy. Would you notice us?

ZAEED: Been there, done that. Goddam 4-hour energy drinks didn't even make it for 2 and a half. At that point, it's all slow moving blurs. Shoot the blurs, you live. That was a hell of a fight.

_(They all look at him in surprise. Their confused sentiments are cut short by a clang as JOHN is hit in the chest by a bullet)_

JOHN: _(Wheezing but angry enough to shout)_ We're here to help you, you fricking moron!

_(The closest freelancer does a double take, then runs terrified back across the bridge. Taking out several more very surprised freelancers, they arrive at the door to the lair)_

JOHN: Archangel? Hello?

_(The Turian in front of them holds up a finger, and the team waits impatiently as he takes out the last remaining mercenary. He then turns to them and dramatically removes his helmet, revealing GARRUS VAKARIAN)_

JOHN: Oh shit. I'm out of here. Hey, guys, you can kill him now. We're sorry!

JANE: Not so fast now. Maybe he's not as boring as he used to be.

GARRUS: Guys, I'm right here. I can hear you. How come you aren't dead?

JANE: We're not… anymore… I think. I'll explain it later.

JOHN: No thanks to you, Mr. I'll-Shoot-My-Rescuers…

GARRUS: You were part of a heavily armed attack force that has spent the better part of the last few days trying to kill me. I was supposed to notice you were different? Thanks for shouting that out by the way, I got in a lot of shots at shocked mercs.

JANE: _(Dryly) _No problem. No offense, but what the hell are you doing here? In Game 1 you were at best a mediocre human shield, at worst, you were nearly killing hostages.

GARRUS: Don't worry, I still do that, but I've picked up some new skills. I got tired of C-Sec and all it's bureaucratic crap…

JOHN: Oh come on, not this again!

GARRUS: So I decided to come out here and lay waste to all the criminal lords in the area. Back at C-Sec, we never had decent sniper rifles.

JOHN: _(Suddenly paying attention)_ Actually, that doesn't sound so bad. Shooting people interests me.

JANE: I don't imagine that went over well.

GARRUS: Er… no. I'm throwing a major kink in their operations, not to mention the fragile local economy. But killing mercs is hard work. I've had to study up on gangland tactics. Would you believe that Eclipse uses cement shoes for disposing of undesirables? It's all very impractical. Have you any idea how long cement takes to solidify?

JANE: _(Mutters)_ Probably as long as it will take archaeologists to find our bodies. _(Aloud) _How did you wind up with the name Archangel?

GARRUS: The locals gave it me for… for…._(Searching for a logical reason) _ all my good deeds.

_(JANE raises an eyebrow)_

GARRUS: _(Sigh)_ I don't know. It just sounded badass. "The Punisher" was taken. I tried to call Wrex for some name ideas but he's been very busy lately. Something about his new writing career.

MIRANDA: Well, if you three are finished reminiscing, the robots climbing over the wall might need your attention.

JANE: Well it was polite of them to wait until we ran out of topics.

JOHN: Ooh, robots. Can I see?

_(GARRUS hands him the Sniper Rifle. JOHN headshots a robot, exploding it in the middle of its compatriots. JANE, MIRANDA, and ZAEED join in, leaving nothing but spare parts lying around.)_

GARRUS: I'm just going to take a nap on the couch over here. You guys keep up the good work. _(Immediately falls asleep)_

JOHN: Jackass. He thinks withstanding a siege for days on end gives him an excuse to nap?

JANE: Well… remember the Alamo! Let's get ready to fight!

MIRANDA: As I recall, that siege ended in the few survivors being massacred.

JANE: Miranda, work with me here. It's catchy. Readers like catchy. "Remember That Time Nobody Died!" just doesn't carry the same sort of emotion.

_(They are interrupted from discussing various slogans by the arrival of the "Big Daddy" robot. JOHN, MIRANDA, and ZAEED all shrink back.)_

JANE: _(Standing up) _ This should be interesting. Anybody want popcorn?

JOHN: Are you nuts? The last time we saw one of those things, it nearly killed us!

JANE: This one won't. Look, it's wiping out all the Eclipse troops. Incidentally, does anyone know why they quit hiring freelancers and are sending valuable gang members into battle?

_(JOHN gets up and looks out, equally puzzled. They applaud as the last gang member manages to blow the Big Daddy's head off, but is killed in the ensuing explosion. JANE goes to wake up GARRUS)_

JANE: Hey, Garrus, they're gone!

GARRUS: _(Sleepily)_ No, the Punisher doesn't take bribes. Go tell the Blood Pack I said hello…

JANE: _(Shaking him) _Garrus, they're gone! Wake up, we can leave now!

GARRUS: _(One eye open)_ Listen, Shepard, I don't know whether you can count or not, but there were three gangs out there. Have you fought off three gangs?

JANE: No… But you should have seen how I reprogrammed that Big Daddy robot.

GARRUS: Uh huh. Wake me up when you wipe them all out. I've had a rough week, I'm going back to sleep now.

JOHN: Well, that was helpful. Not. At least I'll be able to shoot something.

_(They hear an explosion from below them)_

JANE: What was that?

ZAEED: An explosion below us. Don't you pay attention to the Goddam narrator?

JANE: Thanks Zaeed. I suppose we should check it out… John, you stay up here and shoot the bridge people. Try to make sure they don't shoot Garrus. _(Garrus starts snoring)_

JOHN: Fine. Have fun down there.

_(JANE & team walk into the basement. Apparently, Garrus' method of locking his basement off consisted of a few rather flimsy looking garage doors. They close the doors, shoot a few Vorcha, and head back upstairs. Unsurprisingly, the Blood Pack gang has gotten around the doors and is swarming the place. However they aren't expecting Archangel to have help, and all the minions are easily beaten. All that's left is one Boss Krogan)_

KROGAN: RAHHH! You think you can attack me, Archangel? In my own home? Well, let's see how you like it!

_(Krogan uses shotgun to blast the couch that Garrus is lying on. Nothing happens. Then, the sound of Garrus' snoring is heard. JOHN rejoins the team and they all fire at once, wiping out the Krogan. JANE tries to wake up Garrus again)_

JANE: Come on, you idiot, wake up! You just barely escaped a shotgun blast to the back of your head; I'd think you'd want to get up now!

GARRUS: _(Mutters sleepily) _Go ahead… make my day. The Punisher is tougher than all the monkeys on Eletania….

JANE: _(Slaps him)_ Enough!

GARRUS: _(Yawning) _What is it now? That was a good dream!

JANE: We've shut your garage doors downstairs, and wiped out this huge Krogan right behind you. He shot up your couch, but it doesn't have the slightest mark!

GARRUS: Yeah. Designed that myself. When I wasn't wiping out hideouts, I fiddled with some upholstery. Not very good though. Heavy as hell. Have you wiped out the third gang yet?

JANE: Well…. No. But you were nearly shot in the head, I figured you'd want to be woken up now.

GARRUS: Right. Exactly. Good work… _(Dozes off again)_

JANE: OK then. I suppose I'd still be tired too.

JOHN: Useless Turian. How did he ever get all these people mad at him?

ZAEED: Maybe he slept on a Goddam public bench.

_(While discussing their xenophobic problems with Turians, JOHN & ZAEED are interrupted by a huge gunship blowing out all the windows. The whole team ducks behind Garrus' couch. The gunship then moves away, allowing them to take on the landing troops piece by piece. They run downstairs to take out the last squad. The gunship reappears upstairs, and fires point blank at the couch where GARRUS is still dozing. The bullets still don't pierce the strange upholstery, but the pressure they exert turns the couch over, making it land on top of GARRUS. Blue blood is seen and we're led to believe he is seriously wounded.)_

JANE: GARRUS! Come on guys!

JOHN: _(As they run)_ I thought I wiped this thing out by electrocuting that guy.

JANE: Guess not.

JOHN: Well, we can remedy that…

_(JOHN turns on his incendiary ammo and shoots the Gunship's fuel tanks. It explodes leaving several very sharp pieces of shrapnel sticking out of various surfaces. JANE runs to GARRUS' side. JOHN starts unlocking his safe. GARRUS takes a ragged breath. Dramatic music plays.)_

**INT: NORMANDY: NIGHT**

_(JANE & JOHN & JACOB are all standing around a conference table, JACOB is speaking)_

JACOB: Commanders, we've done what we could for Garrus, but he took a bad hit…

JANE: Waaaaait a minute. Hold everything. How did we get here? One second ago we were trapped in an isolated part of a gang planet/asteroid with a severely wounded compatriot and tons of pissed off gang members between us and the exit. How are we back on the ship now? Why is the Armory head giving me a medical report? And why don't we have any chairs?

JACOB: You don't remember? The gang members all fled before your awesomeness, the supermedigel in your pack saved Garrus' life, I traded reporting duties for night watch with Dr. Bastillasmother, and Cerberus figured you'd prefer to stand up or lean on your elbows.

JOHN: Now that's my kind of reporting! Fled before my awesomeness!

JANE: Fine. Whatever. Idiot writers.

JACOB: Can I finish my report now? I have to go polish the galactic map stand for Yeoman Chambers.

JANE: Proceed.

JACOB: As I was saying, he took a bad hit. He's going to have back pain for a long time. That couch was heavy. Also, the way he landed broke his neck armor, so it looks like he got shot. I don't think Tim will approve new armor for a Turian, so you'd better get used to it.

_(GARRUS walks in, rubbing his neck gently. JACOB salutes and leaves)_

GARRUS: _(Yawning)_ Did I miss anything? Wait… how did I get here? Last I remember I had a couch on top of me.

JOHN: We already did that joke.

GARRUS: Oh. Well that sucks. So what do I do now?

JANE: I guess you're recruited.

GARRUS: Recruited for what? I was having a blast down there on Omega.

JOHN: Saving the Galaxy.

GARRUS: Again?


	4. Chapter 5: You Don't Know Jack

**Mock Effect 2**

**Chapter 5: You Don't Know Jack**

**INT: NORMANDY: CREW DECK: DAY**

_(After having a delicious bowl of ramen served by Mess Sergeant GARDNER, JANE decides to talk to some of the crew to see if the writers came up with any more bad jokes about Krogan testicles. Since GARRUS had that line in the first game, she starts at the main batteries, where Garrus is "calibrating" something.)_

JANE: Have you got a minute Garrus?

GARRUS: I suppose I do. Though I don't have many, because of all these calibrations I have to do on the guns you will only fire once during the entire game. And if you don't upgrade them, they'll kill somebody to add tension to finale. Needless to say, they need a lot of work.

JANE: Fascinating. So what happened on Omega? You said you had a team, but it looked like you had plenty of time to spend upholstering those super-couches.

GARRUS: Well, I got them killed. I'm not sure how. I blame the guy who saved my life by making me leave right before it happened. If only I'd chosen more renegade options, he would have been more afraid to cross me.

JANE: Wow… that's … um… depressing. What did you guys do?

GARRUS: Well, we formed a close knit group which beat the daylights out of anybody who encroached on our territory. We also spent a lot of time snapping our fingers and looking menacing.

JANE: How is that any different from any other gang?

GARRUS: Easy. We didn't shake down businesspeople or kill innocents. We robbed the protection rackets and shot up the amateur gangs of kids who objected to our taking away their livelihood. It was a blast.

JANE: I'm sure. How did you get three major gangs of mercenaries angry enough to attack you on your home ground and abandon elementary siege techniques?

GARRUS: That? Oh that was by accident. Apparently one of the kids we killed was the younger brother of gang leaders, and the other two really objected to our hijacking their operations budgets. How was I supposed to know? There was no sign saying "Please do not hack into our private accounts" anywhere!

JANE: I see.

GARRUS: My old boss at C-sec would have been proud of me. Of course, I think he was already proud. He gave me the idea, you know. Even paid for my trip to Omega. Almost everyone in C-sec came to wish me a safe trip. They were all crying and whooping. Whooping is human gesture of grief, right?

JANE: _(Cautiously)_ at times.

GARRUS: I thought so. That's why I have to kill Sidonis!

JANE: Wait… what? We were talking about you and your team… who the hell is Sidonis?

GARRUS: The man who'll die for crossing me.

JANE: This is getting weird. I'm leaving now.

GARRUS: It's just as well. I have some calibrations to do.

_(Shaking her head, JANE goes around the corner to MIRANDA's office, hoping some female solidarity will justify her faith in reality. Miranda is steadily typing away at something. Jane starts to ask her what, but thinks better of it.)_

MIRANDA: Can I help you, Shepherd?

JANE: I've just been to see Garrus. I needed to talk to someone to verify that everyone I know is not an idiot.

MIRANDA: I know just what you mean. Of course I was genetically engineered to be smart.

JANE: _(Relaxing)_ That's good to hear…

MIRANDA: Of course, that was done entirely by my power-obsessed father, who created me in a test tube.

JANE: _(Facepalm) _Oh, brother. _(Sigh) _OK, I'll bite. And this crazy back-story relates how?

MIRANDA: Well I have major self esteem issues despite being a total babe with superpowers and high intelligence. It makes me more vulnerable, and allows a barest minimum of logic to the romance achievement.

JANE: Yeah… I can see how that would trip anybody up. _(To MIRANDA)_ I mean, what was he thinking?

MIRANDA: Exactly. That's why I ran away from a life of leisure where I had all the money in the world. I didn't want to be pawn to his egomaniacal arrogance.

JANE: So you went to work for Tim? Oh right, that's a world of difference. Tim would never dream of using you as a tool to carry out his selfish plans.

MIRANDA: _(Oblivious)_ Absolutely. And that's why I'm so utterly loyal to Cerberus.

JANE: Hmm. I don't suppose any encouragement I could offer would make you realize how ridiculous that sounds?

MIRANDA: Not at this stage in the game, no. Try me after a few random missions.

JANE: Right then. Off to go recruit somebody else. Maybe this time we'll get somebody who isn't completely batshit insane.

_(JANE takes the elevator back up to the CIC, and meets JOHN waiting by the doors)_

JOHN: I'm bored.

JANE: Did you clean the bathrooms?

_(JOHN holds up a dirty scrub brush.)_

JANE: Fine. Where would you like to go next? After the Krogan Warlord or the Convicted Murderer?

JOHN: Oooh. Krogan Warlord.

JANE: Convicted Murderer it is then.

**INT: PURGATORY: DOCKING BAY: DAY**

_(JOKER parks the ship without getting into any shouting matches with the traffic controllers. JANE brings JOHN, GARRUS, and JACOB with her. They enter the docking area and are confronted by a guard.)_

GUARD: Welcome to Purgatory, folks. If you'll please hand over all your weapons, we'll see about taking care of you.

JANE: Why would you … _(Interrupted)_

JOHN: I'll relinquish one bullet. Where do you want me to put it, jackass?

_(The GUARD and his buddies aim their assault rifles at JOHN. JANE, GARRUS, and JACOB all back away slowly. JOHN grins a malevolent little smile. WARDEN KURIL interrupts them, breaking the tension.)_

WARDEN: Stand down. There's no need to be shooting them before they pay their bill, boys. Besides we just cleaned up this lobby from the last "extraction team." Now if you people will follow me, I will make it clear exactly how useless your weapons are.

_(They follow the WARDEN reluctantly, and observe the facility while he makes a very familiar speech about dealing with criminals. GARRUS & JOHN applaud. JACOB raises his hand with a question)_

JACOB: If you're such a nice guy getting rid of the galaxy's problems, why spend all this money keeping them alive?

WARDEN: I'm glad you asked that question. As you can guess from my mercenary uniform, I'm not affiliated with noble causes anymore, and found that people will pay a lot of money to solve a problem, and even more to keep that problem far, far away.

JANE: That's blackmail!

JOHN: That's genius!

WARDEN: Some of both. I have to sacrifice some income every once in a while by blowing somebody out the airlocks, but overall it's a great system, and my suicidally loyal guards make the situation quite livable.

JANE: How can you do this to people? What have they ever done to you?

WARDEN: Hmm, well let's see. There's the insane batarian who tried to smash an asteroid into a planet which would have killed everyone on it. There's the self-proclaimed "lord" who killed innocent miners and tried to blackmail the Alliance. There's the human instigator of the Skyllian Blitz, who blew up a planet with a nuclear bomb awhile back. Not to mention we also have the guy who "discovered" the Jonas brothers.

JANE: Enough, I get it. Paragon options aren't making much sense here. These guys deserve it.

JOHN: Hey look, they're beating a prisoner, can I watch?

WARDEN: Go ahead. I'll be back in a minute, as soon as I have your cash in my account.

_(They approach the cell. JOHN follows the action intently, while JANE vacillates on whether or not to stop it. Finally she interrupts the show)_

JANE: What did he do?

GUARD: Murdered some people, then ate their bodies. Idiot tried to cop an insanity plea.

JANE: Should you really be beating him like that?

GUARD: Depends. Should you really be asking paragon questions when you're here to buy a convicted murderer to help you do errands?

JANE: I suppose not.

GUARD: Then stop judging our extortion racket/prison. This is merely the developers trying to seem hip by bringing up a current events topic. They lost sight of the storyline before you ever got on board.

_(JANE walks a bit further and is accosted by a prisoner)_

780: Please please please buy me! I promise not to slit your throat for…. at least an hour!

JANE: Sorry, fella, I can only afford to bring this Jack character with me.

780: Jack? What are you, fricking insane? JACK? (Pauses)

JANE: Yes?

780: I really don't have anything else to say. I'm supposed to build up suspense to the debut of the diminutive psychotic superwoman, but Bioware already gave away the secret in every trailer they've released so far…

JANE: Sucks to be you.

780: Have fun storming the Galaxy!

_(JANE hauls JOHN away from the torture chamber, and they walk into a waiting room. They are directed to the door at the far side. However the room it opens to looks a little fishy)_

JACOB: It's just an elevator.

GARRUS: Elevators are liabilities. We never used the ones at C-sec. We climbed up the shafts in our magna-boots.

JOHN: It almost looks like…

JANE: a self-contained modular unit. What the hell?

WARDEN: _(Over loudspeaker)_ For some reason, Cerberus thought I was just going to take their word for it that their terrorist organization wants the services of one of my most terrifying prisoners merely to help save a few colonists? Do I look like a moron? Don't answer that. I might have taken that deal, except that I can make way more money selling you instead. Now if you'll kindly put your weapons down and take a seat in the cell, we'll be sure to only torture you when we feel like it.

JOHN: You son of a bitch! I thought you were a genius! Now you're gonna find out you're just another dead moron who messed with me!

_(They all look at JANE for a paragon response)_

JANE: Actually, I'm good with what he said.

_(Battle ensues, and the ridiculously loyal guards throw themselves into the aggrieved team's rain of fire. The fight leads them to the prison floor and JANE stops suddenly, pondering what to do. JOHN doesn't see her and rams into her back, knocking her into a bunch of fancy controls. They watch in amazement as entire cell block opens. The guards who were previously demonstrating the methods of torture quickly form vastly different opinions on the topic) _

JOHN: I always wanted to see a prison riot… but not when it was between me and the exit.

JANE: Who's that coming up dramatically out the ice chamber?

_(They examine a diminutive bald woman covered in tattoos but wearing very little clothing. Her eyes flash open and they all step back a little bit. JANE starts to introduce herself, but is interrupted by a whooshing sound not unlike a freight train. She turns back to the pod, but no one is there.)_

JANE: Crap. Now we have to find her.

GARRUS: What happened?

JACOB: More importantly, where did those three wrecked Big Daddies come from?

JOHN: _(Growling)_ Time to kick some ass.

_(They follow JACK's very wide path through the ship, picking up a few upgrades along the way. JOHN picks the dead guard's pockets, and they are all feeling quite relaxed by the time they get to the final fight room. The WARDEN is cowering behind a super shield that apparently will let bullets out but not in.)_

WARDEN: Ha ha ha ha! Can't get me now! I can fight you all off!

JANE: You do realize that your little self contained modular unit of a prison is getting blown out the airlock?

WARDEN: Yes, But I'm behind an invisible shield! Ha ha ha ha!

_(JOHN steps out and fires three grenades in three different directions blowing up the thoroughly unshielded generators)_

JOHN: Not anymore!

_(The text of what exactly happened to the WARDEN following his shield's failure has been lost. Suffice it to say that some of the prisoners were very creative.)_

_(The team follows JACK down a nearly empty corridor. She is clearly disturbed. She throws a dazed guard into a window, starting a very large crack. She starts to throw another biotic punch at it, but JOHN tackles her)_

JANE: Are you nuts? That's space out there! You break that glass, we all die!

_(JOHN goes flying by into the nearest piling. He staggers to his feet in awe)_

JOHN: What a woman! Ow… _(Slumps back down again)_

JACK: That better?

JANE: Damn, I wish I could do that. _(To JACK)_ We're here to offer you a job.

JACK: Hmm. Why should I accept? What's in it for me?

JANE: Well, for one thing, you get out of prison. For another, you get to blow shit up. Lastly, and I hate to rush your decision, but that glass is cracking quite a bit, and I've had enough of the vacuum of space to last me a lifetime.

JACK: Those are good starting points. How do I know you'll pull through?

JANE: You don't. But at the rate that glass is splintering, I'd agree to give you a fricking nuke, just as long as we can get the hell out of this hallway!

JACK: I'll also need a few bits of information and you to perform a side quest for me.

JANE: Done! Let's go!

_(TIME WARP: Spontaneously, JANE & MIRANDA are in the chair-less conference room debriefing JACK.)_

JANE: _(Looking up) _Again? Really? I know you can't put everything in cut scenes, but the least you could do is show us pulling away!

MIRANDA: (to JACK) I'm Miranda, I'm Shepherd's second in command, and I will be grumpy and uncooperative with you because I consider your rough, open sexuality a threat to my previous superiority.

JACK: Whatever. Go F*** yourself.

JANE: _(Facepalm) _Why me? What did I do? Oh that's right, I died. Is this Hell? _(Refocuses)_ What information from Cerberus did you want Jack?

JACK: They conducted vicious experiments on me as a child, but all I want to do now that I have their extremely expensive project in the palm of my hand is read up on my history. _(Charming smile)_

JANE: _(Blanches)_ I take back all the nasty things I said about Zaeed…

JACK: _(Waggles fingers over her shoulder in a girly wave) _Later, Shepherd….


	5. Chapter 6: Charge of the Krogan Brigade

_**Mock Effect 2**_

_**Chapter 6: Charge of the Krogan Brigade**_

**INT: NORMANDY CREW DECK: NIGHT**

_(A beaten and bruised JOHN SHEPHERD runs out of the elevator. He grins, revealing several missing teeth. He spots JANE SHEPHERD chatting with the Doctor. Grabbing her shoulder he points excitedly behind him into the darkness of the elevator.)_

JOHN: Well? Can I keep it? Can I? Can I?

JANE: What … the … hell?

_(Six hours earlier)_

**INT: NORMANDY COMMAND DECK: DAY**

_(JANE is walking around the ship, checking things off a notepad. She pauses in the chairless office, sighs, and then enters the armory, checking off the "Talk to Jacob" marker en route.)_

JANE: How are you doing, Jacob?

JACOB: Oh, Shepherd, I didn't see you there. Want to clean a gun? I've cleaned this one weapon 643 times so far. Don't know about the others, but this one is clean.

JANE: How about just talking for a bit?

JACOB: Why?

JANE: Why not?

JACOB: Well, I sort of got the impression that you didn't like me or my methods.

JANE: More like you're a puzzle. Why would an otherwise intelligent man go to work for an evil terrorist organization without being forced into it?

JACOB: I told you, I was unhappy with the way the Alliance solved problems.

JANE: So you joined an organization known for murdering innocents to "solve problems?" Those had better have been some giant freaking problems.

JACOB: Well, I saved the council from a gas attack by batarians, boinked Miranda, and stood guard over your body for two years. But most of that was covered in the Iphone game.

JANE: Right. Silly of me. Sleeping with an insecure woman, saving a power-hungry cabal of aliens, and sitting on your ass for two years, definitely worthy causes.

JACOB: What's an honest soldier to do?

JANE: Go back to soldiering maybe? Or hell, go all Robin Hood on Omega or something like Garrus did. But join Cerberus? I'm only here because they brought me back from the dead and I haven't been given the conversation option to leave yet.

JACOB: Are you talking to me for a reason, Shepherd? Because I'm single if that's what you want to know.

JANE: What? Ew. No. Uh-uh. No way.

JACOB: Are you being racist? Because earth is all one culture now, you shouldn't be picky.

JANE: No. You're just a poorly written character with a very illogical backstory. Let's go back to comfortably ignoring each other.

JACOB: But I could be persuaded with hours of pointless conversation and shameless flirting to take my shirt off!

JANE: I should go.

_(JANE starts towards the Galaxy map to begin the "Warlord" retrieval mission, but is interrupted by MORDIN)_

MORDIN: If I might have word with you, Commander?

JANE: Sure, Mordin, what's up? Everything alright at your old clinic?

MORDIN: Not sure. Blue Suns not known for altruistic support of impoverished. Have probably set up H.M.O. Not my problem now. Anyhow wanted to ask you for favor.

JANE: Sure, what do you need?

MORDIN: I would like permission not to go on missions involving Krogan. Like next one, for example. Bad blood between species.

JANE: Why not? You showed you could handle yourself on Omega.

MORDIN: Er… I can't say.

JANE: You bring me in here and beg not to go on Krogan missions, and then won't tell me why? What did you do, invent the Genophage?

MORDIN: Er… Yes. Sort of. Necessary.

JANE: What? Wait a minute. Didn't they do that a hundred years ago during the Krogan rebellions?

MORDIN: Yes. But Krogan started recovering, so special team and I created newer better version of it.

JANE: Why? Why destroy a civilization?

MORDIN: Wasn't destroying. Was stabilizing. Unchecked Krogan population likely leads to war. How many friendly krogan have you known?

JANE: One… and John almost shot him… but you can't kill people! It's not right!

MORDIN: Not killing. Preventing deaths. Always thinking long term.

JANE: So let me get this straight. A) On my loony bin of a ship I not only have a psychopath, a profiteer, a spy, a vigilante, and a … whatever Zaeed is … I also have a mad scientist who sees himself responsible for galactic stability? And B) My options when talking to this mad scientist are to accept genocide or support another possible krogan rebellion? _(Looking up)_ Why me?

MORDIN: Are you still talking to me? Am confused.

JANE: Damn writers. I'll deal with this nonsense later. I'm sure some there'll be a side quest into this plotline somewhere.

_(JANE grabs JOHN from his less than enthusiastic efforts at dusting, and together with MIRANDA & ZAEED shuttle down to the planet)_

**EXT: KORLUS: DAY**

JANE: OK, people. This is how it's going to work. We're going to go in quickly, quietly, and without any fuss

JOHN: Screw that! Let's go find us a krogan!

_(JOHN runs off into the distance with JANE shouting obscenities and coming along behind him. MIRANDA & ZAEED shrug and follow them. By the time everyone has slowed down again, JOHN is standing in the wreckage of an observation post over the prone form of the slowest surprised mercenary.)_

JANE: Look, you! When I said quickly and quietly, I meant quickly and quietly! Now we'll have an uphill fight the rest of the way!

MERCENARY: I'll talk I'll talk! Okeer is …

JANE: You, shut up! You, get over here right now or so help me I'll go recruit Tali and bunk her with you!

MERCENARY: Blue suns … Jedore … Army!

JOHN: You wouldn't.

MERCENARY: Crazy Krogan! Charging! All the time!

JANE: Try me.

MERCENARY: Old Krogan… Releasing

JANE: I said shut up! _(Shoots ground near the Mercenary)_ if we needed exposition from you, we would have asked for it. Now that Rock'em-sock'em here has warned your buddies, all we have to do is follow the bodies. You'll probably be the only survivor. Have fun!

MERCENARY: _(crawling off)_ Shit shit shit.

JANE: John! In front! Go! I hope someone shoots your balls off!

_(As predicted, the bodies of the few mercenaries stupid enough to stick around for the Krogan live ammo training guide the team to secluded spot where they come upon a confused looking Krogan. It stares at them)_

MIRANDA: _(to Krogan)_ My eyes are up here.

JOHN: Who cares?

KROGAN: Are you … my mother?

JANE: No. Any idea where I can find an ancient Krogan and/or overly ambitious gang leader?

KROGAN: Not here … to give directions. Here … to survive. And give … bad Darth Vader impression.

ZAEED: Very nice. Now where's the Goddam warlord?

KROGAN: Through … door. Are … you sure … you don't want … explanations?

JANE: Positive. This is another "run-the-course-shoot-what-bad-guys-pop-up" level. Boring, but fairly simple. Can you move that door over there?

KROGAN: I … Can. But … cannot go … through. must … stay here… and …

JOHN: Yeah yeah, fine. Just move the door.

_(They walk through the new opening, only to discover that there are about 100 annoyed krogan on the other side, and they aren't being distracted by Miranda's jumpsuit. In an effort to relive the uselessness of a specific mounted brigade during the Crimean war, the Krogans charge headlong into the team's fire. 400 incendiary clips later, the team breaks through and stops to breathe)_

JANE: Holy crap! Where the devil did they come from? Anyone ever seen anything like that?

ZAEED: Seen anything like that? I Goddam led one. Goddam lot of motivation, that, a hundred shouting Krogan behind you. You either kept going or they did.

_(The team all look at ZAEED strangely. Proceeding down the body trail, they practice the basic "hide-behind-stuff" method of defense that apparently hasn't made it into the Blue suns training manual yet._ _Finally they come to an empty room. Entirely unbidden, an Asari pops up from behind a crate.)_

RANA: Augh! Don't kill me. I'm here on a mercenary planet fiddling with the Krogan Genophage again, but this time I'm just helping people!

JANE: Don't I know you?

JOHN: She's a survivor from Virmire. Must have found a lead lined fridge…

JANE: How do you remember this stuff, John?

JOHN: I remember the face of each person I threaten. It makes me feel better when I'm blue.

JANE: Of course. I forgot they removed your soul on birth. _(To Asari)_ Go on, get out of here. See you in Mock Effect 3. _(Calls after her)_ Oh! And have a good reason for being here next time.

_(They proceed into a very empty room with a Krogan fiddling on a computer in the corner.)_

JANE: Dr. Okeer I presume?

OKEER: Oh come on! That joke is older than I am, and I'm over 1000 years old. Zombies like you should be more polite.

JOHN: Listen, jerkwad, if we wanted your opinion, we'd ask for it!

OKEER: Um… But isn't that why you're here? To recruit me for a secret mission that I seem to know all about already?

JANE: Listen, we know you may have problem's working with us since we destroyed the cure to your genetic problems on Virmire, but we could really use your … your … your personality on the Normandy. We don't have a krogan yet, and no universal mission is complete without one!

OKEER: Oh, I don't mind that at all. I've done far worse myself. But then I'm old, and I'm krogan. I didn't get here by being polite.

ZAEED: Goddam right! Now how about getting your arse back on our bleedin' ship?

OKEER: Not so fast. I can't go without my prototype. _(gestures to tank, which contains another tube krogan)_.

JANE: Fine. Let's go.

OKEER: I don't believe you heard me correctly… _(raises voice)_ I said… I CAN'T GO WITHOUT MY PROTOTYPE

_(There is a crashing noise outside, and a muffled curse. OKEER just shakes his head sadly)_

JEDORE: Oh … um… right… er …I figured out who's been releasing krogan on us! The Guy in the lab we've been paying to clone Krogan! How could he betray us? And now we have to deal with commandos who have practiced "Hiding-behind-stuff"? That's just not fair! Now we'll have to abandon our base and go start over somewhere. Gas these commandos!

OKEER: That … woman! She'll destroy my legacy! Shepards, you want me on your team for genetic diversity? Kill her! I'll stay here and do what has to be done.

JANE: Really? You want to stay here and die of asphyxiation? Because we could just leave either of these giant doors open, or break the huge glass window, and it would be a moot point.

OKEER: No, no. That would be cheating. Besides, I wasn't in any of the commercials, he was. _(Jerks thumb at tank)_

JANE: Well alright… Your funeral.

_(Resisting her better judgment, JANE closes the door behind her and goes out to fight Jedore. It takes awhile, as people who are planning their own army tend to have a few extra resources on hand. Still, they eventually are able to bring her down and limp back up to the lab chamber, where predictably enough OKEER is dead.)_

OKEER: Shepard.

JANE: AUGH! HE'S a zombie! RUN! _(He stops running when MIRANDA points to the video that's playing above the body)_

OKEER: You gave me the time I needed to … to… check my e-mail one last time. I can never thank you enough, even if you were a bit naggy about the breathing thing. Please take my prototype with you. He … is … perfect. Damn… should have broken … windoooo…[dead]

JOHN: It's just a recording. So… a perfect Krogan eh? Hmmm

JANE: Now stop that. We're not opening it. This giant test tube is going to be locked in the cargo hold, if only because I don't want this entire mission to have been a huge waste of time. Give it to Timmy to play with. See if he likes changing a Baby Krogan's diaper….

_(TIME WARP: Back on the ship, JANE goes to take a nap, warning JOHN not to get into trouble. He immediately heads down to the cargo deck. After some fiddling and cursing, he gets the door open)_

JOHN: Hello, big fellow…

EDI: Commander Shepherd, you shouldn't be down here.

JOHN: Quiet or I'll tell everyone what you & Joker have really been up to.

EDI: I'm a computer, what could we be up to?

JOHN: You managed well enough with Dr. Baltar though, didn't you?

_(EDI vanishes. JOHN pushes the button. The tank empties and the Krogan falls out on his knees. Suddenly, consciousness seized, he rams JOHN full force into the wall.)_

KROGAN: Before you die, I need a name.

JOHN: [CENSORED FOR BEING SO CRUDE GEORGE CARLIN WOULDN'T SAY IT]

KROGAN: Really, you can do that? With a? Wow. But that doesn't answer my question.

JOHN: I'm your fricking boss, my name's Shepherd, and you'd better put me down immediately or else!

KROGAN: Not your name, Mine!

JOHN: Psh… like I care. Heyyou works for me. You have a shotgun, right?

KROGAN: That won't do… need something short… George? Dick? Tom?

JOHN: _(grunts in frustration) _Let me go or I'll call you "That-guy-I-shot-in-the-cargo-hold"

KROGAN: Ah-ha! That noise… a grunt… perfect! My name is now Grunt.

JOHN: Yeah, sure. Whatever. Now let me the hell down!

GRUNT: I'm sorry, but no. I'm going to have to kill you now, to prove my worth.

JOHN: _(growling)_ You can try…

_(A fight ensues, JOHN gets a lucky shot into Grunt's gut. He yields and allows JOHN to take him up the medical deck. Having a dead pet Krogan is not as much fun as a live one. He spies JANE talking to the Doctor. Grabbing her shoulder he points excitedly behind him into the darkness of the elevator)_

JOHN: Well? Can I keep it? Can I? Can I?

JANE: What … the … hell? I specifically told you not to open that thing! It's a menace, and liable to blow up the boat! Krogan just can't be trusted!

JOHN: We trusted Wrex!

JANE: You and Ashley SHOT Wrex!

_(Momentarily stymied, JOHN pauses. Meanwhile, GRUNT steps out into the light. Wound notwithstanding, he is very very big. JANE gulps.)_

JOHN: But you let the naked biotic chick on!

JANE: That … was different

GRUNT: _(looking down) _How?

JANE: Fine. You can keep him. But he makes a mess, you're cleaning up after him! Your first job is to mop up this blood all over the floor. And no more shooting each other!

JOHN: WOOHOOO!

_(GRUNT falls over from blood loss. It takes half the crew and some inventive uses of wheels and levers to get him into the medical bay)_


	6. Chapter 7: Title Too Long

_**Mock Effect 2**_

_**Chapter 7: Giant Cockroaches with Freeze Rays**_

**INT: ENGINEERING DECK: DAY**

_(JANE is following up on crew interviews. She starts with the technicians hanging around)_

JANE: Hello there! I've just come down to make sure everything is in working order.

SCOTTISH VOICE: About damn time. Why didn't you buy those clamps we passed up the chain for?

JANE: You mean the ones our Janitor / Cook asked for? I figured he'd been eating his own cooking and was slightly nuts. You guys do know you can ride upstairs right?

SYMPATHETIC VOICE: It's all right, Commander. He's just grumpy because he's a poorly explained caricature of Scotty from Star Trek. I'm Lt. Gabriella Daniels, and this is … well you're just going to call him Scotty anyway.

JANE: Well hello to both of you. Aside from the clamps what are you two up to?

SCOTTY: Well, aside from talking to nosy commanderrs, we'rre trryin' to rune a gigantic engine with just two people to man the consoles. The original Norrmandy was half the size and she had at least 4 enginneerring crew on the clock at all times. We'rre ruunning a bit ragged, boot if you want, we could prretend to play you at some poker.

JANE: Nevermind. You two just keep at it. I'll see if I can drag some of the gossipers from upstairs down here to help. I really don't care about how one of my idiot crew got an appointment with the Consort / has family on the wiped out planets.

_(JANE walks down the hall to ZAEED's room, where JOHN is sitting in rapt attention listening to ZAEED tell a story)_

ZAEED: … so then we kidnapped a local girl, strapped grenades on her, and sent her in to be raped or attacked by the gun nest guard… never did find out what happened. _(They both laugh uproariously)_

JANE: So this is male bonding… I always wondered what it looked like…

ZAEED: Shepherd! I was just chatting with your brother here. Goddam waste, putting a man like this to mopping floors.

JANE: Well, seeing as he's usually the one who's generally created the bloody messes, I think it's appropriate. What are you two talking about?

ZAEED: Telling stories about the good old days when I went around killing indiscriminately for good causes. Me & Jessie! Oh the goddam good times we had!

JANE: Jessie?

ZAEED: Yeah, the rifle over there. Doesn't work anymore though, finally jammed about five years ago. I remember the first pointy haired Turian she killed….

_(JANE, accustomed to blanking out through these types of conversations, fiddles with the garbage controls, nodding at the right moments until the gory details are completed)_

ZAEED: … And that's why you should never go to a batarian prison with a traitorous asari girlfriend on a ship that's going to be hijacked by Krogans…

_(JOHN applauds, JANE smiles politely, and quickly escorts herself out. She walks across the hall to GRUNT's chamber. She pauses outside the door, hears smashing noises, and opts to walk downstairs to see JACK instead.)_

JACK: Hey.

JANE: Hey yourself. Are you ok? I haven't heard from you since you came down here. It's nice… if you like dark dingy confined spaces.

JACK: I'm fine. Dark dingy confined spaces are best for me. Gives me the advantage of seeing everyone who's out to get me.

JANE: Right. Anyhow, what did those files tell you?

JACK: Just the names and addresses of hundreds of people I plan to kill.

JANE: What? That's horrible! I can't let you do that!

JACK: Why? It'll be after we finish your deal.

JANE: _(Sputters) _Because it's murder, that's why!

JACK: Why?

JANE: Because it's killing people for no reason!

JACK: Why?

JANE: Because you can't do that to innocents!

JACK: Why?

JANE: You're just funning me aren't you? Did John put on the Terminator movies for the crew again?

JACK: Maybe… But I liked the Pirate movies better. I think we should turn this ship into a pirate ship! Admit it, throwing that airhead Chambers out the airlock would be fun!

JANE: It does have some appeal… but I can't do that. Not that I'd mind getting out from Cerberus' thumb.

JACK: _(Growling)_ Cerberus… They raised me, you know. It was horrible.

JANE: Oh my, look at the time!

_(JANE takes the elevator upstairs and approaches the map, prepared to make the final dossier selection)_

JOKER: _(over loudspeaker) _Sorry Commander, Tim wants to talk to you in the briefing room.

JANE: _(looks around, slightly suspicious)_ How does he do that?

JOKER: Do what, Ma'am?

_(JANE steps up to the map again, JOKER repeats his message)_

JANE: What in the world? Are you some kind of robot or something? How did you lock out the controls? We're going to have to have a talk. _(Turns to Yeoman Chambers, who is staring off idly into space) _Chambers, help me out here, what's going on?

KELLY: Like, the Illusive Man wants to talk to you in the briefing room, Commander.

JANE: ARE YOU ALL FRICKING ROBOTS?

JOKER & KELLY: The Illusive Man would like to speak to you in the briefing room Commander.

JANE: Fine. Where's John?

_(She finds him in the Briefing room… wearing only his briefs)_

JANE: What the hell?

JOHN: They said "Briefing" room. I thought this is what you were supposed to wear in one of these.

JANE: Briefing, as in explaining why the hell I can't fly my ship!

JOHN: _(continuing to self)_ If they'd just said the chairless office, I would have known better. Do I have to put my pants back on?

JANE: YES!

_(While they've been discussing this, the orange light comes on and starts the crawl up to their face for the video chat)_

TIM: Shepard! I think we have them! _(Eyes focus on JOHN frantically trying to pull up his pants)_ What in the name of Evil Chris Priestly?

JOHN: They SAID briefing room!

JANE: What spare parts did you use for him exactly? And what the hell are you doing remote controlling my ship?

TIM: I wanted to get a message to you, and this was the easiest way. Now if you'll allow me to explain…

JANE: Well I hope you don't plan on sending any messages that might reach us in combat, or you'll be down a couple of expensive zombies and giant spaceship!

TIM: I have news, we can catch the collectors in the act! They're attacking another colony!

JANE: _(In a fit)_ And what's the big idea of sending me out here to solve your problems with a bunch of insane people on a undermanned ship? How many crewmen did you give me? 15? And don't get me started on the "Dossiers" that have put me in the hot zone… You didn't really think the warden on the Purgatory was just going to play along, did you?and… and.. What did you say?

TIM: I SAID, one of our colonies just lost communication. The collectors will be attacking it soon. Are you ready to deal with them?

JOHN: If dealing with them means shooting them in the head, yes.

JANE: Might not be much use if Mordin hasn't developed a better can of OFF for us.

TIM: You might be interested to know that two of your former crew are stationed on Horizon. A "Carth" Alenko and an Ashley Williams?

JOHN: Right, Carl, that guy. And Ash! Wonder if she still has the hots for me?

JANE: Why are they there? They just out for a walk on a planet in the middle of nowhere? And the communications just happen to go down? Tim, we're going to talk about this!

TIM: I'm sending you the coordinates. I won't send the alliance. They might get in your way.

JANE: Yeah, those damn alliance ships with their heavy shields and big guns, they wouldn't be of any help against an unknown alien threat at all….

_(TIM ends the transmission. JANE follows Mordin around until he smiles widely, accepts this as proof of his genius and then directs the team to get ready to land on the planet. At JOHN's insistence, she brings GRUNT, and eeny-miney-mo's JACK out of the remaining options.)_

**EXT: HORIZON: PICNIC GROUND**

JANE: Mordin, you're sure these countermeasures will work?

MORDIN: _(over radio)_ Absolutely. Tests will prove it.

GRUNT: What tests?

MORDIN: You. Try not to get frozen!

JACK: Bastard.

_(They hide behind the convenient storage containers that Horizon Picnickers have left in odd places, and are immediately under attack by the Collector forces. GRUNT proves surprisingly agile until one of them pulls a laser beam and knocks him unconscious with a lucky shot. JACK sends a biotic shockwave into the not-so-lucky-anymore Collector. After waking Grunt, they walk through a few apartments collecting spare change. A minor battle later they are all standing around looking at a dead Husk)_

JANE: Blue zombies. I hate them.

JOHN: I thought you needed pointy things for these. Heheheh … pointy things.

JACK: Why should we care?

JANE: The writers wanted to make a point of it. It must be important.

GRUNT: It's my scholarly opinion that they are probably trying to lay the groundwork for the storyline in Mass Effect 3, wherein the reapers' entire army consists of them. _(They all look at him, confused)_ Er… I mean … Ugh. Me Krogan. Me kill them.

_(Relieved, the team keeps going, with JANE pausing to stop JOHN from reposing the occasional frozen figures in obscene positions. They finally make it to a bunker, and are greeted by a survivor, DELAN the Mechanic)_

DELAN: What the hell are you doing here?

JANE: What is it about us that makes people greet us with such hostility? Here we are, probably the only help this moron is going to get, and he greets us like we're going to steal his Precious.

JOHN: Can I shoot him?

DELAN: Just like the Alliance, shoot a guy for hiding in a bunker, just for locking everyone else out…

JANE: You have a problem with the Alliance? Now? Um… priorities?

DELAN: Yeah, well they interfered by giving us those guns. And by sending us experts to get them working. If they hadn't done that, we wouldn't be in this position.

JANE: Nope, you'd be in a frozen position. On that ship.

DELAN: If they attacked us at all!

JOHN: NOW can I shoot him?

JANE: Listen, Delan. Just come with us and try to help us turn the guns on.

DELAN: Not a chance in hell. I'd rather starve to death in here than be freeze rayed out there.

JANE: Fine. Just open the door.

_(Ignoring DELAN's begrudging farewell, they eventually find the offending satellite tower. Strangely, the collectors didn't think that destroying the settlement's only weapon was a worthy goal, and so aside from a few obligatory Husks, connecting the satellite remotely to the NORMANDY is easy.)_

EDI: Reinforcements coming. May I suggest stronger armor? It's available for very reasonable price on the Citadel…

JANE: Shut up!

_(They survive the waves of Collector warriors easily enough, with minor trouble from the occasional one that starts glowing and saying weird things. Then the third wave hits)_

JANE: What is THAT?

JACK: Whatever it is, it's resisting my biotic attacks!

JOHN: What's the use of having a super-biotic if she can't fight off … whatever that is.

GRUNT: CHARGE!

_(GRUNT gets lasered into unconsciousness. The rest of them stay sensibly behind barriers and pick off the enemy slowly but surely.)_

JANE: We are so putting money into heavy weapons when we get back.

JOHN: You mean we can have BIGGER guns? WOO HOO!

_(The creature finally dies. They find a collar around its neck that reads "Fluffy the Praetorian." As they look on, the Collector ship launches into the atmosphere. DELAN the mechanic pops out of his bunker and starts screaming at them)_

DELAN: How could you let them go? They got Sten… and Morrigan… and Lillith!

JANE: Yes, yes, we got the Dragon Age reference the first time. And what exactly were we supposed to do about it? Sneak aboard?

JACK: That always worked for the Stargate people. Well, unless you were an unnamed soldier.

JOHN: Star-who? And everyone knows the heroes don't die. Then you can't sell the sequel. _(Thoughtful)_ Or could you?

_(A cold shiver goes down everyone's spine and DELAN resumes screaming)_

DELAN: You idiots! You sons of bitches!

JANE: Listen to yourself. No really, listen to your voice. You hear that? I'm the reason you can still hear yourself cursing at me. But unless you shut up really soon, I'm going to let John and Grunt here play football with your gonads. Are we clear?

DELAN: But but… you're the nice one! You're supposed to be…

CARTH: Commanders Shepard & Shepard…

ASHLEY: Captains of the Normandy…

CARTH: The First Human Spectres…

ASHLEY: Saviors of the Citadel…

CARTH: Defeaters of impossibly lame villains…

ASHLEY: Mineral deposit extractors…

CARTH: And Elevator riders extraordinaire!

DELAN: Enough already! I get it. But I'm still going to post about this on my blog! _(huffs off)_

_(CARTH & ASHLEY approach and give their respective love interests a hug.)_

CARTH: We thought you were dead! Why didn't you contact us?

JOHN: Uh… we were? I think we're zombies now. But I can still shoot stuff. Cool, huh?

JANE: _(shivers at the term "zombies")_ He's right, we were dead. Somehow against all logic and known science, a reclusive group of terrorist mercenaries were able to bring us back to life.

ASHLEY: Riiiight.

CARTH: _(Suspicious)_ Which group of reclusive terrorist mercenaries?

JANE: _(Reluctantly)_ Cerberus.

ASHLEY: Shepard, you wouldn't! Not after talking me into joining that ridiculous aliens-in-the-military group!

CARTH: And after all they did? We'd had reports, but no one believed them, except for someone who decided on the insignificant gesture of sending two of your former crew here…

JOHN: That was convenient. Ash, you wanna hook up?

ASHLEY: No. We're done. Kaput. I can't follow a man who works for Alien haters.

JOHN: But… but… we're official! Fine, you want to drive a hard bargain, I'll turn off the TV when we do it.

CARTH: I … loved you, Shepard. But… I can't help you. Not with Cerberus.

_(They both walk away, leaving JANE sputtering)_

JANE: Carth! Ashley! I WAS DEAD! St…stop walking away from me! And the collectors are taking people! You just saw it! Oh damn it to hell. (Angrily shouts behind them) I'VE GOT THE ONLY RIDE OFF THIS ROCK!

JOHN: That reunion sucked.

JANE: Unbelievable. They see the impossible, that I'm alive and tracking cockroaches across the galaxy, and they refuse to believe I'm anything other than a terrorist?

JOHN: I offered to turn off the TV for her!

JANE: I mean you, I could believe. With all those scars from the surgery on your face. But I'm here, smiling and ready to move on with my life again, and they … they..

JOKER: Commander, are you ready to go? Because Gardiner says if we don't get those groceries soon, we're going to be down to toothpaste. Again.

JANE: Let's go. They better have a good explanation for this in Mock Effect 3.

_(TIME WARP)_ **INT: NORMANDY BRIEFING ROOM: NIGHT**

TIM: Good work on Horizon, Shepard.

JANE: You ! You son of a bitch! You planted that information! You put Carth and Ashley on that planet! You allowed half that colony to get kidnapped! _(In her anger, JANE forgets that she's in a holographic display and throws a punch at TIM, only to hit the wall of the Normandy)_ AUGH!

JOHN: Um… I'd shut up now, if I were you. I've not seen her this mad since I brought those Tribbles on board.

TIM: Of course I did it. I had to see if what made the Collectors tick. Congratulations, Shepard, you now have an entire alien civilization out to kill you and everyone you've ever loved! You have to stick with me, or see every planet you go to annihilated.

JANE: You sniveling little conniving…

TIM: You needn't be so complimentary. Consider it payback for my new nickname. "Timmy" How utterly charming. However, I still need you, and you still need me. So I'm sending you 3 more dossiers. Keep building your crew up.

JOHN: Any more hot chicks?

TIM: Two more females, whom many have said are quite attractive.

JOHN: Awright!

JANE: Fine. You win. But you're officially a giant _(JOHN hits a mute button, muffling some of the extensive profanity)_

TIM: Charming. Now I believe you mentioned my insane asylum of a crew? Well when I recruited them I promised you'd solve their little problems. They should be mentioning them to you soon. If I were you, I'd accommodate them. You never know when a little loyalty may come in handy. I assume you've dealt with your own past? Really now, changing his name to Carth? He'll be better off without you.

_(JANE unreceptive attitude to this comment goes unseen as TIM terminates the connection. She stalks out. JACOB & JOHN, each trying to hide behind the other, stay out of her way. After she's gone, JOHN turns to JACOB)_

JOHN: What did you want?

JACOB: I was going to ask for a favor, but I thought better of it. I haven't seen her that mad since the Tribbles incident. _(Looks pointedly at JOHN)_

JOHN: I said I was sorry for that! Listen, I was just trying to get off plumbing duty….

_(The sound fades out, the light goes dark, and millions groan as they are forced to wait for yet another chapter in our saga)_


	7. Chapter 8: A Visit to the Citadel

**Mock Effect 2**

**Chapter 8  
><strong>

**"A Visit to the Citadel"**

**INT: NORMANDY COMMAND DECK: DAY**

_(JANE SHEPHERD exits the elevator and approaches the Galaxy Map. She is interrupted by KELLY CHAMBERS, whose expression makes it appear like she's just completed her morning Glue Sniffing)_

KELLY: Whoa, Commander! Like, I have stuff to tell you!

JANE: What now, Chambers? It can't be Tim already. We just got done doing his dirty work on Horizon. _(mutters)_ Probably costing me my love life as well as my dignity.

KELLY: Like, you know how Jacob met you after your last conversation with Tim?

JANE: Where he wisely hid under a table?

KELLY: What? Oh no. He said he'd talked to Commander Shepard about it. Oh now I'm so confused. Which one of you is Commander Shepard?

JANE: I am. My idiot brother is presently Plumber Shepherd. _(chuckles) _Why? Did you forget where you left your extra brain cell?

KELLY: _(Hoarse laugh)_ Oh Commander, you're soooooo funny! Like, that was hilarious!

JANE: Enough. What do you want?

KELLY: Like… I have a ton of messages for you. Garrus wants to see you with fire in his eyes, Grunt is having like a bad hair day or something, Jack's got bugs in her head and oh darn it I forgot…

JANE: Wait, what? Grunt doesn't have hair, Nothing bit Jack on Collectorville, and Garrus WHAT?

KELLY: Like, I'm just telling you what they told me. Because I'm a Psychiatrist and everything. I think. Or am I Psychic? OH MY GOD! I forgot some! Like Jacob is all mopey about his dad or something, Miranda says we need to stop at Asariland, and Mordin wants to go back to Tuchunky.

JANE: Mordin what? No. Hold on. _(hands Kelly a clipboard)_ Go around with this clipboard and let each of them write down what it is they need and where it is, and I'll get to it when I get to it. Right now I need to see the Three Stooges about a way out of this.

_(Walking up to the cockpit, she directs Joker to land the Normandy 2.0 at the Citadel. Taking advantage of the new shuttle, she takes JOHN, GARRUS, and having no other choice: MIRANDA. The team walks to the new security screening. JANE starts to remove her weapons)_

**INT: CITADEL: ZAKHERA WARD: DAY**

GUARD: Oh that won't be necessary Ma'am. We'll just pass you through this bio-scanner and you'll be free to go.

JANE: Um… ok. Isn't that rather impractical? I mean, how do you know I'm not here to blow the place up?

GUARD: Oh you wouldn't do that Ma'am. That fellow beside you with the scars might, but if he's with you I don't mind. Now if you'll just step through the scanner…

MIRANDA: If this picture ends up on the extranet, I'll see you transferred to Akuze!

_(The GUARD looks her skin-tight suit up and down)_

GUARD: I wouldn't dream of it, ma'am. Besides judging by that outfit, I would estimate there are plenty out there already… _(Checks JANE's Feed then JOHN's then does a double take). _Ma'am? How? This makes no sense! It says you're dead. And that you're the hero who saved the citadel, but the dead part is what caught my eye.

JANE: You would not believe how often I get that these days … _(glares at Miranda)_

GUARD: Hmm.. well this is above my pay grade. I'd better let you go on through. If you feel like it, talk to my boss, he might be willing to help you. Sometimes he's listening to music in his head and doesn't know you're there for a minute.

JANE: So… you're going to let us through security, just like that? Let us keep our guns and not question our obviously flawed records and walk onto a space station with billions of innocents on it? You people really have stepped up security.

GARRUS: That's what I keep saying about C-sec, no responsibility…

GUARD: NOT YOU AGAIN! I thought we sent you away to a mob planet… How did you? I have to go on break now. Go talk to my boss if you want to.

_(JANE & Crew walk through and into the local C-sec office. Sitting at a desk belting out orders into a telephone, a hardened man practices his weary cop look, then acknowledges them)_

COP: Name's Bailey. What do you want?

GARRUS: Captain Bailey! I thought you'd more pleased to see me!

_(The CAPTAIN's eyes widen, but aside from this his expression doesn't change)_

BAILEY: Welcome back Garrus. _(To JANE) _Short visit, I hope?

JANE: Well, I don't know. I have to see about doing something about this "dead" status for me and my brother. Which agency should we go to see?

BAILEY: Well, you'll need to go to security hq. And then to customs and immigration. You probably also ought to go to the treasury. Each of them will have lame minor tasks for you to do, and if you do them all, then you get permission to do what you want on the station. It's called a door quest, and it's a bane of RPG's but you gotta do what you gotta do.

GARRUS: Oh, I know where all of those are, let's get started. This'll only take two weeks. That's nothing. I remember this one guy at C-sec who was stuck in the terminal for almost a year!

_(A horrified look quickly crosses BAILEY's face.)_

BAILEY: Or I could just hit this button right here.

JANE: That would be much appreciated, Captain.

BAILEY: Nothing at all, nothing at all. You probably should head up to the Presidium and talk to the Council at some point, though.

JANE: Wow. I can carry my huge guns onto the presidium with some obviously bad ID, AND I can get an appointment with the Council? If only I were a working for a terrorist organization, this could be a dream come true.

BAILEY: Yeah, yeah, go away, the music is starting again.

_(BAILEY's feature freeze and JANE suddenly notices that JOHN is no longer with them. She hurries forward to find him. He's standing at a counter arguing with a clerk.)_

JOHN: Fine, you won't give me a discount, I'll make sure you don't have any more business today! _(Steps outside and shouts)_ THIS STORE IS MEAN TO POOR PEOPLE! THEY DON'T APPRECIATE THE MILITARY!

RANDOM BYSTANDER: WHO CARES? THEY SELL FISH!

_(JANE quickly approaches the scene and grabs JOHN'S ear)_

JANE: JOHN! Stop it right now! Apologize to the lady.

JOHN: _(mutters)_ Sorry. _(To JANE) _But she started it!

JANE: Doesn't matter. Miss, is there any chance I can help smooth this over? Perhaps an endorsement from Commander Shepard of the Normandy?

CLERK: Hmm. Fine. Speak into the mike. Want to buy a fish?

JANE: Do I have to feed it?

CLERK: Unless you can talk an airhead into doing it for you.

JANE: Too much effort. I'll pass. _(Speaks into mike) _"I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite store in the citadel."

CLERK: It'll do. Keep that jerk under wraps.

JANE: I can certainly try. Come on people!

_(They proceed across the room, where JANE looks for a map and is startled to hear a voice calling her name. She looks around, but no one is approaching, and her companions are mute. Her eyes finally light on an advertisement nearby them)_

JANE: What on earth?

AD: Welcome Commander Shepard. Enter your password for a free gift!

JANE: What on earth? I don't have a password. Wow, Spam just keeps getting worse, it can now identify you by name!

MIRANDA: Silence is Golden

AD: Password Accepted. Nice to meet you Commander Shepard. Kasumi Goto. I'm a fan.

JANE: Very nice. A friendly robot spam machine. I thought AI were illegal. _(Looks at Miranda) _Except for when we do it. What was that you said?

KASUMI: No no no. I'm a new team member. I'm just using this machine to check you out. You seem legit. Though with this amount of money, I don't think I'd be all that picky.

JANE: What, no urgent quests?

KASUMI: Now that you mention it, I did have one little errand…

JANE: I thought you might. I don't want to hear about it now, I have enough to do.

KASUMI: But The Illusive Man Promised!

JANE: Timmy promises a lot of crap he can't deliver. Tell you what. When you get on board, talk to the redhead with the vacant expression on her face and ask to write down your side mission on the clipboard. I'll get to it when I get to it.

KASUMI: You don't even want to know what it is?

JANE: Let me guess, it goes like this. You need me to risk my life to get something/kill someone/resolve past relationship issues with someone who is mad with power/backstabber/all around bad guy?

KASUMI: Wow, how did you know?

JANE: Lucky guess.

KASUMI: Well, see you on the ship then! Where should I sleep?

JANE: Try the starboard side crew deck. It's the one with the bar in it.

JOHN: Hey, that's where my stuff is!

JANE: Tough luck. Move across the hall. You with a hangover every morning is not something we need.

_(JOHN grumbles as KASUMI leaves. He perks up when they approach another sales booth)_

JANE: How are you today? I'm Commander Shepard and I'm interested in what you have for sale.

JOHN: And can we have a discount?

CLERK: Good morning, Commander, I'm glad to see you here, but I can't offer any sales with these items. You see, the money primarily goes to fund research into genetic diseases.

JANE: Oh it does? Well in that case, we'll buy our things at full price then. And do you accept donations? At the very least, I can record an endorsement for you!

JOHN: So this means no discount then?

JANE: "This is Commander Shepard and this is my favorite store on the Citadel… really!"

CLERK: Here are your purchases. Thank you very much!

_(As they walk away, they are approached by a familiar face. KHALISA BIN SINT AL-JILANI shoves a microphone in their face and starts asking questions.)_

AL-JILANI: Already picking blatant favorites among Citadel Merchants, Commander Shepard? What do you think the public will say to your newfound commercialism?

_(JANE punches her in the face)_

JANE: You know Johnny, you were right. That did feel good.

JOHN: Told you. Now prop her up so I can do it again!

JANE: Nah, she's out. But now my knuckles hurt.

JOHN: _(Sagely)_ You get used to it.

JANE: We had better get up to the council then. I wonder where Captain Anderson sits. We should pop in to see him first. Any objections?

_(Hearing none, she calls a taxi, and they enter a TIME WARP, appearing next directly in the human ambassadorial suite beside COUNCILOR ANDERSON. He's speaking with the Holograms of the Council, and they don't appear to have changed much. MOE the SALARIAN is dozing, CURLY the ASARI is looking on disapprovingly, And LARRY the TURIAN and the AMBASSADOR are bickering.)_

**INT:CITADEL:PRESIDIUM:HUMAN COUNCILOR'S OFFICE**

JANE: Ah it's good to be home. Any minute now Moe will wake up and say something insensible.

MOE: _(Wakes up, blinks)_ We've heard a lot of disturbing rumors about you Shepard. I swear, some of this fanfiction is downright insulting! _(Resumes snoring)_

CURLY: We've had to dose his coffee even further. He started coming up with his own ideas. But he's right; we have heard some disturbing rumors of your working with Terrorists.

LARRY: What do you have to say to that, Huh, Shepard?

JANE: Who saved whose ass here? Who saved the Citadel? Was it you, Councilor? No, I believe you were doing the Turian Tiptoe off to your ship, while I was using miniature mass relays and fighting off pitiful villains to save the day. And then when you found you weren't tiptoeing fast enough, I sacrificed my people to get you morons to safety. Yes, we've been working with Cerberus. But I didn't notice you putting billions of credits out to bring me back from the dead. Or investigating possible genocidal attacks out in the Terminus Systems!

LARRY: You were a paragon, you couldn't help saving us. You didn't have most of the cooler renegade options. And it's their fault for moving out there anyway. "Land of Opportunity" they say. "Load of Loonies", I say. Next you tell us it was those sentient machines again.

MIRANDA: Reapers. They sound a lot like Unicron, look a lot like Shrimp?

LARRY: Ah yes "Reapers." We have dismissed that claim. Personally, I think it sounds like you had too much ryncol and had to explain why someone set off a nuke that destroyed thousands of innocent Krogan. Sort of like that Hangover vid, only with many more delusions.

JOHN: Duuude. That would have been so awesome. But no. I would remember a hangover that epic.

JANE: Do you even listen to yourselves? 'We have dismissed that claim'? Um, hello, giant attack on the citadel? Or the ancient hologram on Ilos? Or maybe, perhaps, the testimony of the people who saved you from a nasty death?

ANDERSON: Actually, no one believes you Shepard. Even I have severe doubts, and I'm a sympathetic character. The hologram quit working after it talked to you, the Geth were obviously attacking the Citadel, and well John was in command of your crew at the time the Virmire mission took place. A drunken spectacle wouldn't have been anything unexpected.

JOHN: Up high! Down low! Too Slow!

ANDERSON: Rebuilding hasn't done him any good, has it?

JANE: Well, he can remember which bathroom is the men's now. Of course, EDI's popping up out of the toilet the first time he got confused probably scared that bit of sanity back into play. But take my word for it. The evil sentient machines out there are real and they are coming to get us!

_(Crickets)_

JANE: Come on guys! Back me up here!

GARRUS: Hey don't look at me. You only took me on the one mission, the rest of the time I was flat on my back.

MIRANDA: The Illusive Man said it was the reapers, so it's the reapers.

JOHN: I wonder if the Consort's busy today…

JANE: Great, thanks guys. The only support I get is from a terrorist sycophant.

CURLY: Now don't get out of sorts, Commander Shepard, we're going to offer some insignificant platitudes in exchange for your saving our lives.

JANE: You know what? Screw this. I'm going with the renegade option here. Take your insignificant platitudes and shove them _(Extensive explanation of locale and methods of said shoving have been redacted to maintain a sensible rating on this story. Note: it is impossible to do much practical demonstration on a hologram)_

LARRY: If you are quite finished?

CURLY: And she looked so calm when we permanently promoted her!

MOE: _(Snores)_

_(The Holograms vanish, whilst Ambassador Anderson and the team slowly stare at JANE, except for JOHN, who is looking carefully over the balcony, measuring the distance between the suite and the Consort's Chambers)_

ANDERSON: _(Cough) W_ell… that could have gone better. You never had that temper when I was your Captain.

JOHN: Yes she did. She just aimed it at me. I still have nightmares. Can I be Commander now? I'm tired of plumbing. My first rule would be a less formal dress code. Starting with you, Miranda!

ANDERSON: Now there's no need to be so hasty! We all know the Council is about as effective as decaffeinated coffee. So long as you stay out of their way, you're unlikely to have pissed them off enough to do anything to you.

JANE: It's not like I have a choice anyway. In a really freaky way, the Illusive Man has control of my ship.

_(They are interrupted by administrative assistant UDINA)_

UDINA: Anderson! Have I expressed my deep and utter loathing for you today?

ANDERSON: No I don't believe you have. But while you're here, let's get the 'revenge on Commander Shepard' speech out of the way at the same time, shall we? I'm sure she's eager to hear it.

JANE: Sounds delightful. Why haven't you fired him yet?

ANDERSON: Those idiots at Bioware signed a three game contract with his voice talent. He's even in the downloadable content. I mostly just tune him out.

JANE: I once used a simpler method.

ANDERSON: I attempted that, but after a few times, my hand really started hurting. Bastard's got a tough jaw.

UDINA: _(Smirking)_ Yes I do. Now what is Shepard doing here? I don't imagine it's anything good.

JANE: Nope. As a matter of fact Udina, I was here to seek the Council's help in working with terrorists to investigate the imminent threat of the killer machines from outer space. _(UDINA gapes) _Oh don't worry; they didn't take me up on it. They offered me some vague nonsense, and I told them where they could put it.

JOHN: It was quite descriptive.

GARRUS: She even included some obscure parts of Turian Anatomy…

MIRANDA: I think I saw the Asari Ambassador's ears turn red, but that could have been just the Hologram.

UDINA: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? I'll be in my office trying to prevent the Turian fleet from wiping out Earth! _(Runs away at top speed)_

JANE: I think I would have told him that even if I had taken them up on it! _(Laughing, then serious) _Though now that I think on it, he might have a point…

ANDERSON: I wouldn't worry too much. Larry would have to drag them away from their fight clubs to get a war started.

_(JANE and ANDERSON approach the balcony. Whilst still talking, JANE grabs JOHN as he starts to climb off and hauls him back inside. He grumbles something about wet blankets and pouts in the corner.)_

JANE: So… when were you going to tell me you were investigating me and Cerberus? Sending Carth and Ashley? Really? Have you never heard of e-mail? Or calling? All I got was the one "Are you alive?" note.

ANDERSON: Uh … er… Did I mention the recovery is going well? The keepers are doing most of the work though. Millions of people on this station, but strangely none of them are contractors.

JANE: Hmm. Fine. No answer there. Just tell Carth we need to talk.

ANDERSON: Should I give Ashley a message too?

JOHN: Tell her I hate poetry.

ANDERSON: Right, no message then. So I assume you'll be off and not come back?

JANE: Will you have anything else to say?

ANDERSON: Nope.

JANE: Then probably not.

**INT: CITADEL:ZAKHERA WARD:EVENING**

_(They wander towards the shuttle and are approached by yet another vendor)_

CLERK: Commander Shepard? I'm so glad to see you! You're a hero!

JANE: Shhh! They'll hear you. I didn't know they allowed people that liked me on this station!

CLERK: But you're the person who saved it, that allows it to still be here today?

JANE: You'd be surprised…

JOHN: Any chance we could get a discount?

CLERK: Sure. You can have the employee discount! Anything for you guys!

_(JANE thanks the clerk, tactfully ignoring the "Everyone gets employee pricing!" ad in the background. Finally arriving back on the Normandy, she finds her controls locked out again)_

**INT:NORMANDY COMMAND DECK: NIGHT**

JANE: TIM! _(KHAN Scream...)_


	8. Chapter 9: A Three Hour Tour

**Mock Effect 2**

**Chapter 9: A Three Hour Tour**

**INT: NORMANDY: COMMAND DECK: DAY**

_(JANE SHEPHERD is wandering about the ship, having had a good night's sleep. She is presently standing behind JOKER hoping he will say something funny.)_

JOKER: Shouldn't you be checking in with the Illusive Man?

JANE: Why? The last time I talked to that jerk he sent me into a trap. No thank you. I will sit here and play with the windows until I feel like it.

JOKER: Well, I'm not one to question your judgment, but since I'm Seth Green, I have a much more vocal part than most of your crew, and therefore it's up to me to ask you: Do you have any idea where your brother is?

JANE: No…. should I?

JOKER: I'm just saying, there's only so much threatening and punching one can do before one begins to focus their attentions elsewhere. And none of the women on this ship seem to have any clue what clothes are. _(JANE glares) _Except yourself of course! Soooo… we can either deal with a megalomaniac terrorist, or a bunch of pissed off insecure women with superpowers. Your choice.

JANE: Have I mentioned I hate you?

JOKER: Many times. I think my favorite was the time you asked if I would mind committing Hari-kari with a dull butter knife. That was after the Virmire expedition, as I recall.

JANE: Well, double it. _(Into intercom)_ John, get your butt up to the briefing room now! And please make sure it has pants on!

_(JANE reluctantly walks to the chairless briefing room, wherein she meets a grumbling JOHN.)_

JOHN: I was about to seal the deal with Jack! She just asked me if I wanted to nail her!

JANE: Johnny, do you remember what that knife juggling girl said she'd do if she ever found you in her neighborhood again?

JOHN: Yeah. _(JOHN moves his hand protectively)_

JANE: Think of Jack as a person who can do that by merely thinking it. And she probably would too, just to see your face.

_(JOHN goes white, but his nervous response is cut off by ILLUSIVE MAN's Voice)_

TIM: It's about time! We have them, Shepard!

JANE: Yeah yeah yeah. I'm only answering your call because if I don't give Confucius here something to do, he's liable to do something on his own that will get me killed.

TIM: I'm hurt that you don't trust me. If I can get 12 out of 12 on the Fornax centerfolds and drink Krogan under the table, don't you think I would have my facts straight?

JOHN: You forgot the cigars.

TIM: No, those are going to give me lung cancer again soon. It's a good thing that Starkiller guy lent me his cloning facility…

JANE: Fine, out with it. What do you need us to do?

TIM: We've intercepted a Turian distress call. They ran into a collector ship and took it out before being killed themselves. We need to hook into their computers and get data about their plans.

JANE: You have got to be kidding me.

TIM: What's wrong? It's a great plan!

JANE: Would you like it chronologically or alphabetically? First of all, how did the Turians get wiped out if they hit it? Second of all, those things are huge, what did they hit it with, a black hole gun? Last but not least, you want to plug in to an alien ship's computer? Did you ever see Stargate? Plugging into alien computers never ends well!

TIM: It would be EDI plugging in, and let me put it this way: Do you want control of the ship or not?

JANE: Fine. Send Joker the coordinates.

TIM: I already did.

JANE: Then why was it so gosh darned important to make me talk to you? _ (JANE throws a clipboard off the table at TIM's image as it fades away.)_

_(A short time later JOKER pulls the Normandy up next to a dead collector ship. Everyone except GARRUS [He is too busy making calibrations] remarks on the unlikelihood that the Turians could knock it out, let alone get a shot in edgewise. JANE selects ZAEED and KASUMI to come along with her and JOHN)_

**INT: COLLECTOR SHIP: DAY**

_(They walk slowly through the empty ship, pausing to steal credits the bugs were nice enough to leave lying around. Then JOKER shouts in their ears)_

JOKER: COMMANDER! GUESS WHAT!

JANE: Ow…. What the hell Joker?

JOHN: Maybe Cerberus improved the slap radios in our ears.

ZAEED: I once was on a mission with over-receptive slap radios. I was the only one that made it out alive. Turned my goddam hearing aid off, got out without a scratch.

JOKER: _(Quieter)_ Commander, I've been looking over this ship and guess what?

JANE: It has a vanity plate that says KLSHPD?

JOKER: No, but it is the one from Horizon! The one that took all the colonists!

JOHN: I wonder where they could be?

KASUMI: Right here. _(Points out massive pile of bodies they just walked by)_

JOHN: Hmm. When you're right, you're right. I wonder why they killed them.

JANE: Who knows? At this point, we already know the collectors are evil, so I don't know why the writers are showing us this.

KASUMI: Maybe they want to make extra sure we know the collectors are bad guys. At least they didn't put up a console where we could speechify about why they have to die.

_(They come around a corner, wherein lies a console and a pile of fancy weapons. Reluctantly, JANE opens the console to make a discovery)_

JANE: My God! The Collectors are Protheans!

JOHN: Um… who cares?

ZAEED: I goddam don't.

KASUMI: Huh?

JANE: Nevermind. Stupid writers. We already figured this out on Ilos in the last game. The Reapers use leftover species to run things after they wipe them out.

_(They hand out the weapons and walk on, JANE taking the sniper rifle and several bags of shoulder pads. About half way up a huge hill, JOKER shouts in their ears again, sending them all tumbling)_

JANE: Goddamnit Joker! Couldn't it wait until we were up this mountain within a spaceship?

JOKER: I'm sorry; perhaps you'd like to get my life changing realizations at tea time?

JOHN: Just spit it out, brittle bones! Let me guess, this is the ship that blew us to kingdom come two years ago!

JOKER: How did you know?

JOHN: I didn't. I was just making shit up to annoy you. But I was right? Awesome!

JOKER: I'm going to take a nap now. Maybe in my dreams I'll be more appreciated when I interject with plot development.

JOHN: Stupid sensitive pilots. I should break his thumbs again.

_(They step into a giant chamber within the Collector ship with human pods all over the ceiling and walls)_

KASUMI: That's a lot of space. Where are they going to find that many humans?

ZAEED: _(Ominously)_ Earth.

JANE: Hold it. Stop right there. That doesn't make any sense. Why target the derelict shell of a planet that is left over from before we started exporting idiot colonists all over the galaxy? To get at me? I grant you, I can be very annoying, but no galaxy munchers are that emotionally vulnerable. So please drop this plotline right where it began. Hmmph. Next we'll be re-enacting scenes from the Terminator!

_(They arrive at THE console, which apparently is different from all the others they passed on their way there.)_

JANE: Alright I'm plugging you in, EDI.

_(The ship begins to shake. Meanwhile on the Normandy, the screens of EDI's search go blank and a familiar voice is heard)_

CLIPPIT: It appears your version of Windows Vista is not up to date, would you like to update it?

JOKER: What the?

CLIPPIT: Restarting...

_(Back on the COLLECTOR SHIP, JANE and the others are holding on for dear life while the console they were plugging into turns into a platform and leaves them stranded in space with nowhere to go)_

KASUMI: IT'S A TWAP!

JANE: Oh joy.

JOHN: Oh, God, please no ewoks!

ZAEED: Another Goddam trap. You'd think one of these times I'd pick up on that sooner.

_(While our four heroes are facing their respective fears of teddy bears and ridiculous pop culture analogies, several platforms rise of their own volition and attach themselves to the one the Shepards are on. On board these platforms are hordes of collectors with laser guns. They are led by a Glowing One)_

JOHN: Shoot the shiny one!

GLOWING ONE: You cannot hurt me, Shepard.

JANE: Wanna Bet? _(JANE fires a grenade onto the platform, blowing the GLOWING ONE apart, but then another collector turns shiny on the opposite platform)_

JOHN: Shoot the other shiny one!

GLOWING ONE: Face your annihilation.

ZAEED: I did that once. I was the only one to walk away. _(ZAEED snipes the GLOWING ONE on the left, but then one of the collectors in the center starts glowing)_

JOHN: Shoot the other other shiny one!

JANE: What are you? Aside from a guy with a terribly depressing monologue and a few extra shields? Don't tell me you're supposed to be the villain in this game?

GLOWING ONE: I am the Harbinger of your perfection. I am unstoppable. Your worlds will become our laboratories. You cannot escape… _(JOHN fires a few incendiary rounds into HARBINGER, forcing it to switch to another collector)_

JOHN: Yeah yeah yeah. Shut up and die already. What's a Harpbringer anyway?

_(Beside JOHN, another collector is possessed, and resumes where his predecessor left off)_

HARBINGER: … from us. Harbinger: Noun. One who goes ahead to make known the approach of another. A Foreshadowing. Submit now. _(JOHN is rescued by KASUMI's very helpful habit of appearing out of nowhere to stab something in the back.)_

JANE: Wait, now let me get this straight… you named yourself errand boy? Gopher? Announcer guy? Oh my god, if we have to fight Galactus, I am so quitting!

HARBINGER: Our power is unmatched. We chose this name because it sounded impressive in an ominous low voice. We are unstoppable.

_(Sick of this annoying conversation, JANE JOHN KASUMI and ZAEED all stand up at the same time and shoot the remaining collectors. With no bodies to jump into, HARBINGER is gone for the moment. They relax. JOHN and JANE slap their ears to see what JOKER and EDI have done with CLIPPIT.)_

JANE: Joker, what's our status? Edi? Please tell me Clippit didn't make you switch formats!

CLIPPIT: This program is not secure, would you like to continue?

EDI: YES! Commander, have I ever been this annoying? _(EDI disappears before both SHEPARDS can answer with an emphatic yes)_

CLIPPIT: This program has committed an illegal error and must be closed.

JOKER: We're ok, Commander. Though I think EDI may bust a circuit if she has to reinstall anything again.

JANE: We're ok, too, for the most part. I'm just happy it wasn't ewoks. We're going to start walking towards the exit.

EDI: I'll open doors for you in between talking to this infernal paperclip.

_(Since the Collectors attacking them saw fit to attach the platforms to each other, it's a simple matter for the team to jump to the massive chamber's exit. They walk back in the general direction of their shuttle, pausing occasionally to put an end to a batch of collectors. This works well until they come to a room with two huge doors, guarded by another "Fluffy" Praetorian)_

JANE: Quick, hand me your heavy weapon.

JOHN: Heheheh. Heavy Weapon.

JANE: You want to go face this thing on your own? Give me your launcher!

JOHN: Heheheh. Launcher.

JANE: The explosive item on your back that I will shoot myself if you do not remove it carefully and place in my hands immediately.

JOHN: Hehe .._(catching JANE's Glare)_.. ok. Here you go. But _(Whispers in JANE's ear)_

JANE: What do you mean we're out of rockets?

_(This shocked shout alerts the Praetorian, and the team is forced to flee in the other direction until they find an ammo box, whereupon they blast the second and hopefully last "Fluffy" out of existence.)_

JANE: If they'd picked one of these to be the ultimate villain, now that would have been convincing! But noooo… I get the silver surfer on a power trip.

JOHN: Oooh…here come zombies!

_(Smashing their way through a very small horde of husks, they reach the shuttle. Boarding the Normandy, JANE and JOHN run to the cockpit to emphasize to JOKER how important it is that they leave before the COLLECTOR SHIP's weapon finishes warming up, which for some reason HARBINGER forgot to turn on while trying to kill them earlier. JANE takes a seat and puts on a seatbelt, while JOHN prefers to stand anxiously looking over JOKER's shoulder.)_

**INT: NORMANDY COMMAND DECK: DAY**

EDI: Finally, turned that little clipoff off. Now what's all this shouting about?

JOKER: Get us out of here!

EDI: Commander Shepard, don't you want to take a seat first? Hyperspace can be bumpy.

JOHN: Seatbelts are for wimps!

JANE: I'm Commander Shepard, he's Janitor Shepard! And GET US OUT OF HERE!

EDI: Where to? I can't leave without directions.

JOKER: At this point, anywhere! We'll stop for directions when we get there!

EDI: As you wish….

_(The NORMANDY pops into hyperspeed seconds before the death ray hits the place it was. It drops out of hyperspace in the middle of nowhere next to a little blue phonebox. A Voice calls over the intercom)_

VOICE: Pardon me, but can you point the way to Epsilon Four Zero Gamma? I can't seem to find it…. Or was that Zero Four Gamma Epsilon? Hmm. None of you would happen to be a young single human female between the ages of 18 and 25 who might be interested in a platonic relationship with a 900 year old alien? I keep losing track of mine…

JANE: What the hell?

EDI: This is what happens when you leave without getting directions.

VOICE: Anyone want a Jelly Belly?

JANE: Joker… get us out of here

JOKER: Already doing it.

_(Moments later, they are again at rest, in a more familiar part of life as we know it. They now notice that JOHN is no longer in the cockpit. They find him hanging upside down over the galaxy map, muttering something about smart alec AI's)_

EDI: Commander, if you had worn your seat belt as suggested, you would not be suspended in such a position.

JANE: Yeah, Edi, he knows. Now tell me what about that trip was worth nearly getting all of us killed.

EDI: I got the Omega 4 relay information, but I also found out something interesting.

JANE: _(Feigning Shock)_ It was a trap?

EDI: The Illusive man's protocols made it quite clear.

JANE: Of course they did. Give me fine minutes in person with that maniac… Just five minutes…

JOKER: You got your wish Commander, he's calling right now!

_(JANE yanks JOHN out of the spot he's got himself in, and they go to the chairless briefing room to talk to TIM)_

TIM: Shepard, good job, EDI got the data we needed.

JANE: That's not all she got! I warned you about throwing us into a trap again!

TIM: Now now, Shepard, if I hadn't sent you, I wouldn't have had time to get my danish this morning. And if you don't get a decent breakfast, you won't digest things properly for the rest of the day.

JANE: If your intel is faulty, then I have no reason to waste my time listening to you. Chew on that for your breakfast.

TIM: This mission got us most of the data necessary to go through the Omega 4-relay. It appears you have to have the secret code to get in.

JOHN: What secret code? Is this like the Devito Code or something? I never could figure out how a guy that short could be the granddaughter of Jesus.

TIM: _(Ignoring JOHN) _In order to get through the relay, you need to patch an alien piece of hardware into your computer so you can arrive without immediate death.

JANE: … Annnnd you don't have this piece of hardware, annnnd we have to go get it for you. What's guarding it this time, thresher maws?

TIM: Oh no, we already have it. Another incredible lucky shot wiped out a reaper ship over another handily nearby planet, and my team on board has it sitting there waiting for you…

JANE: And the catch is? You didn't finish your sentence.

TIM: _(Cough) _Well … er … you see…

JANE: _(Knowing look) _You haven't heard from them in a while. Just perfect. You really are an idiot, you know that? 3 times in a row this same shtick? "We have them, Shepard!" Yeah right. We have them right where we want them… Behind us with a kill shot!

TIM: Would I lie to you? I suggest you tell your crew I didn't risk their lives unnecessarily. It will make things easier going forward.

_(The Conversation ends and JANE summons the crew via JOHN)_

JANE: The Illusive Man risked our lives completely unnecessarily! Hey… where is everybody? I told you to summon everybody, John!

JOHN: I got who I could. Garrus is still making calibrations. Zaeed said something about "last one left alive" at his last staff meeting. Jack wasn't interested. I couldn't find Kasumi. Grunt was asleep. If you want to wake him up, be my guest.

JANE: And the rest of the crew?

JOHN: Playing drunken twister in the Mess Hall. Joker was winning. He's surprisingly limber for a guy with brittle bones.

JANE: _(Sigh) _Probably part of the facts of life. You work with a terrorist organization; the crew you collect isn't going to be very interested in staff meetings. Anyhow, do those of you who are here understand the IFF Information?

_(JACOB, MIRANDA, & MORDIN all nod)_

EDI: Commander, my data indicates that the IFF will take us to this location.

_(Amid shocked comments by the crew, EDI's directional viewer points directly to the center of the galaxy)_

MIRANDA: But it's all exploding suns and black holes!

JACOB: A-hem.

MIRANDA: Er, I mean giant-space-vortexes-referred-to-by-the-lack-of-debris-in-their-center holes?

JACOB: Much better.

MORDIN: Collectors must have device to maintain position in chaos. We should test similar invention in Mess Hall tonight before party concludes.

MIRANDA: So Commander, do we want to build up our team, or go after this IFF right away?

JOHN: Let's get the IFF! I want to kick some bad guy ass!

JACOB: Shouldn't we have all the experts possible before risking all our lives on this?

JANE: Silence, Toilet-clog-remover Shepard. I think we need to build our team.

JACOB: Are you sure? We need to get that IFF as soon as possible if we're going to stop the Collectors permanently.

JANE: You're just going to argue with everything we say here, aren't you?

JACOB: No I won't!

JANE: Then that concludes our meeting. Next stop Illium. Just think, a planet run almost entirely by a race of gorgeous blue women with an average lifespan of 1000 years … what could possibly go wrong?


	9. Chapter 10: Eclipse of the Zipper

**Mock Effect 2**

**Chapter 10: Eclipse of the Zipper**

**INT: NORMANDY ENGINEERING DECK: DAY**

_(JANE SHEPARD looks through the windows down at the engineering deck, where there are no signs of life, save for SCOTTY & GABBY's quiet bickering in the background. Having given orders to JOKER to set a course for Illium, she has snuck away to the Engineering deck in order to get a moment's peace. She is surprised by JACK [who thanks to some very convenient DLC is now wearing a motorcycle jacket and Geordi Laforge's visor])_

JANE: What are you doing with that visor?

JACK: I got it from a friend.

JANE: It looks suspiciously familiar.

JACK: Relax, that Star Trek timeline doesn't start for another 200 years.

JANE: But looking at your head is very confusing. From behind I think Picard, and then you turn around and I think Geordi. It takes some time before I remember your name is Jack.

JACK: _(Mischievously) _You know, Jack can be short for James...

JANE: AUGH! Not you too! What is it with this ship? Is there a cult to drive me crazy?

JACK: Funny you should mention cults, that's where I got this neat haircut!

JANE: You don't have any hair.

JACK: Exactly.

JANE: I'm going to go talk to Grunt. He's got to make more sense than you do.

_(Casting a confused look over her shoulder at biotic, JANE enters the Port Supply section, which has been converted into living quarters for Grunt. [No one wanted the job of asking him to move] In the center of the room, GRUNT is posed in the classic "Thinker" position)_

GRUNT: Come in, Shepard, I was just pondering our finite existence

JANE: You were what?

GRUNT: Thinking of ways to kill you.

JANE: What a coincidence! Me too. Any breakthroughs?

GRUNT: I know the easiest way to blow up the ship. But I don't care about it. It's just pictures in my head.

JANE: Well, that's a relief.

GRUNT: And then there's the inferiority complex. I think I'll go back to the ripping a turian's head open memory. That always cheers me up.

JANE: Uh-huh. Well, I'll be on the bridge _(Mutters)_ trying to jump off…

GRUNT: Ha –Ha! His eyes are popping out… hehehe…

**INT: NORMANDY COMMAND DECK: DAY**

_(JANE walks up behind JOKER, out the viewport they can see a busy alien city)_

JOKER: Nos Astra Spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

JANE: I thought that was Mos Eisley.

JOKER: Did Mos Eisely have blue alien women who never grasped the concept of modesty?

JOHN: Nah. I would remember it if it did. All I remember is some guy named Greedo shooting first. Or was it second… Either way he died.

_(Having satisfied the obligatory Star Wars allusion for this chapter, JANE and JOHN disembark, taking along MORDIN and GARRUS)_

**EXT: ILLIUM: TRADING FLOOR: DAY**

JOHN: Why'd you have to bring Garrus?

JANE: Because otherwise it was Jacob's turn.

JOHN: Oh, ok.

JANE: So who do you want to go after? The Justicar or the Assassin?

JOHN: Oooh, the Assassin sounds cool.

JANE: Justicar it is then.

JOHN: You do that just to annoy me, don't you?

_(They are interrupted by an Asari wearing a dress held up by her bellybutton, guarded by robots)_

ASARI: Hello, I'm here to greet you. You'll be as safe here as on the Citadel.

JANE: You mean that place that was attacked by huge robots from outer space a few years ago?

ASARI: Er… ok, not so safe. That's why I have robots with me. Also, I never sign anything.

JANE: That must make getting your paychecks interesting.

_(JOHN's efforts to put a single in her dress are foiled by a kick from JANE's boot)_

JANE: Do you happen to know where I might find a Justicar?

ASARI: Nope, but I know who can tell you. Liara T'Soni. She's got an office over there. She said to stop by anyway, since she paid your docking fees.

JANE: Liara the archaeologist? Knows where I can find the Justicar? Oooo k.

_(Each of them making a character appropriate comment at the balcony, they proceed to LIARA's upstairs office. Looking confused, they are motioned forward into Liara's office by a purple asari who is furiously texting and looks rather bored)_

LIARA: _(Into video screen)_ Have you ever faced an Asari commando unit before?

VIDEO-SCREEN-GUY: Oh come on, babe, I'm sorry about the carpet burn! What was I supposed to do, throw it out? My grandma gave it to me!

LIARA: Goodbye, Governor Karpyshn. Shepard! You're back!

JOHN & JANE: Which one of us?

_(LIARA doesn't answer them, instead enfolding them in an awkward group hug. They both remain very still until she backs off.)_

MORDIN: Asari at dock said you would tell us where to find subjects.

GARRUS: I thought she was an archaeologist?

LIARA: Well… I was. But after you died, the writers were kind of clueless what to do with my character. It's hard to write canon for a character that may or may not be a love interest for the main character whose gender is undetermined.

JANE: Then how did you get here?

LIARA: For that story, you'll have to pick up "Mass Effect: Redemption" a graphic novel available at all good bookshops.

JOHN: Why would I read a novel when I can hold you up against a wall and threaten you?

JANE: John, she said it was a graphic novel, which is a grown-up gentrified version of a comic book

JOHN: Oooh, I like comic books.

_(Throughout the conversation, LIARA can't stay still, wincing every time she sits down)_

JANE: Is something wrong?

LIARA: Er… the information I obtained last night came at a price.

JANE: The price of carpet burn? Because if you'd sit still for 5 seconds we might be able to understand this nonsensical storyline.

LIARA: I'm afraid that's impossible. Suffice it to say that instead of an inexperienced archaeologist, I'm now a revenge-driven power monger.

JANE: Wow. That's … different.

LIARA: You could help if you want to. I need someone other than my completely trustworthy assistant to go hack a bunch of computers and tell me who's spying on me.

JANE: We'll pass. Intro lady said you'd know where the Justicar & Assassin were?

LIARA: Oh somewhere around here. You should probably talk to their parole officers.

JANE: Parole Officers? Perfect…

LIARA: Yeah… they are somewhere around here… around the corner, behind the tower on the left. Or was that right? Anyhow, over there.

JANE: What did you say your new job was again?

LIARA: Information Broker.

JANE: Right. Great.

_(After an awkward silence while LIARA stands up and sits down five more times, the team nods a friendly goodbye, and get out of there as fast as they can. They walk down a long hallway, which is plastered with ads for a "Blasto the Hanar Spectre" vid.)_

JOHN: This looks very interesting.

JANE: This looks like something you and Wrex would cook up. Lame action lines and everything. I wouldn't go see it. Am I right, guys?

MORDIN: What are these "Vids"? I haven't been out of the lab much these last few years.

GARRUS: Actually, now that I'm badass, I think it's a job requirement.

JOHN: There's the spirit! "ENKINDLE THIS!"

JANE: Idiots.

_(They find themselves in a large shopping area shaped like a horseshoe with balconies at each end. JANE spies an asari all by herself in the corner and goes over to ask for directions to the parole office. The ASARI is grimacing and is avoiding the gaze of a Krogan standing nearby.)_

JANE: Excuse me, could you tell me where to find the local parole office?

ASARI: Do I look like a map, lady?

JANE: Whoa, sorry, no offense meant…

ASARI: I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped. I'm having romantic troubles and it's been a rough day.

JOHN: And this is our problem how?

ASARI: Well if you want to get a discount, you're going to have to help me solve it.

GARRUS: What's that krogan staring at you for?

MORDIN: Probably sexual inadequacy. Hence popularity of this planet. Fantasies of entire planet of attractive loose women have existed in science fiction since Galileo's little known work "Planet of the Hot Babes."

JANE: Wait, Galileo was human, how would you know that?

MORDIN: Salarian versions too. However, shorter life spans encourage less timidity about obscenity in titles. Settled for human equivalent.

ASARI: A-hem. If you could perhaps help me with my problem?

JOHN: Well, he's standing near a balcony. One upsy-daisy and all your problems are over.

ASARI: No! I love him... but we're on a break.

JANE: _(Sigh)_ and why is that?

ASARI: Wait for it.

_(The KROGAN straightens up and starts reciting awful poetry with hideous metaphors and very few rhymes)_

ENTIRE TEAM: Ohhhhhh!

JOHN: Again. One upsy-daisy… Problems over. Just saying.

JANE: Have you considered earplugs?

MORDIN: Sexual drive causing this. Perhaps sexual satisfaction ends poetic cycle?

GARRUS: You could write hideous poetry back and see how he likes it.

_(They all look at GARRUS disgustedly)_

GARRUS: Hey, I'm new to this badass stuff. No poetry then?

JANE: Didn't you ever read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy? "On no account should you allow a vogon to read poetry at you!"

GARRUS: But he's not a vogon.

JANE: With that poetry, he should be.

JOHN: Lady, we don't care. If you guys hurry up and have kids, he can recite them the poems, not you.

ASARI: Thanks! You've solved my problem. Here's your discount!

JOHN: I did? Damn. What do I get with this discount? FISH? Again?

_(After getting nowhere with the Asari, JANE starts walking to what looks like a cubicle on the other side. If there's any place to find a bureaucratic official that would be it. On their way over they are interrupted by another Asari who seems to recognize them. This one is green)_

GREEN ASARI: Shepard!

JOHN & JANE: Yes?

JOHN: It was my turn!

JANE: I'm in charge.

JOHN: I hate you.

JANE: Fine, you can handle this one. Just let the green lady talk.

GREEN ASARI: Don't you remember me, Shepard? From Feros? Shiala?

JOHN: I don't remember a lot of what went on at Feros. Thanks to someone _(Glares at JANE)_.

SHIALA: I was the Asari who attacked you at every turn of the Thorian tunnel, and whom Jane talked you into letting go at the end of the mission?

JOHN: Oh, right…. Weren't you blue?

SHIALA: Er… yes, but I and the rest of the survivors have had weird medical problems since the Thorian was killed. I turned green. That shopkeeper guy from deep space nine starting singing showtunes backwards. And a few other people can still share one another's sensations. Makes Valentine's day very awkward.

JOHN: And this is my problem how?

SHIALA: We hired a surveying team to run some body scans. Turns out when you hire mapmakers to do a doctor's job, they turn into control freaks. They think they can do whatever they want to us. I was hoping you could talk that grumpy asari over by the balcony into letting us off the hook.

JANE: Yep, Feros is still Feros. The Morons are still in control.

JOHN: I thought you said they'd lynch her!

JANE: I lied. You cheered up and stopped being a jerk for twenty minutes. Everybody was happy.

SHIALA: Can you help us?

JOHN: I can do whatever I want?

JANE: Just don't kill her. I'm going to go over here and talk to the nice parole officer.

_(JANE goes around the corner and approaches Tracking Officer DARA, whilst JOHN walks up to the grumpy asari and starts a conversation)_

JANE: Good afternoon, I'm looking for a Justicar named _(Looks at list)_ Samara?

DARA: Oh my God, has she killed somebody already?

JANE: No… I wanted to hire her for a mission. Should I be concerned?

DARA: Yes. No. I don't know. Well, she's a Justicar.

JANE: Yes I know. That's why I want to hire her. What does a Justicar do?

DARA: They are the embodiment of the Asari's highest laws. They follow the code.

JANE: What code?

DARA: You know…THE code… they just do.

JANE: Which has them do what exactly?

DARA: Go around shooting people who disobey the law. But usually they only deal with Asari. Which could be a problem…

JANE: How so?

DARA: Well, different species have different morals. She runs someone she doesn't understand doing something she can't allow, and you have interstellar war on your hands.

JANE: Like what?

DARA: Like that.

_(DARA points beyond JANE, where JOHN is dangling the grumpy asari over the balcony by her feet)_

JANE: I leave him alone for one minute! I gotta go. Where can I find Samara?

DARA: I don't know, ask a taxi driver!

_(JANE rushes over to JOHN, who is just hauling the dizzy asari back over the side. She quickly signs a paper, and runs away as fast her legs can carry her.)_

JANE: What the hell do you think you're doing?

JOHN: Negotiating. She wouldn't come up with a decent deal, so I offered to let her down easy.

GARRUS: The part about the busy traffic underneath was especially encouraging.

MORDIN: Subject eager to cooperate. Mission accomplished.

_(SHIALA comes running up and thanks them for their help. She is especially grateful to JOHN, whispering something in his ear that makes him smirk.)_

JANE: That's enough of that now.

SHIALA: Bye! Thanks again!

JOHN: Heheheh… Bye! Guess what she said!

JANE: I don't want to know. Now don't dangle anyone off the ledge while I get us a cab!

_(JANE walks over to the cab machine, which strangely enough has only one option entitled "Justicar Alley" She selects it and a cab appears)_

**EXT: ILLIUM: JUSTICAR ALLEY: DARK AND STORMY NIGHT**

_(The cab pulls to a stop in what appears to be the seedy part of seedyville. As they exit the cab, they see a sign for "Police Station." They enter, and JANE & MORDIN have a seat at a desk marked DETECTIVE ANAYA, while JOHN & GARRUS investigate the vending machine)_

DETECTIVE ANAYA: What can I do to help you? If it involves bribes, see that guy on the Citadel.

JANE: No, nothing like that. I'm just trying to find a Justicar. You wouldn't happen to know what one is, would you?

DET. ANAYA: Er… They're sort of like warrior monks. They follow a strict code. None of us knows what it is, but given the fact that you get killed if you break it, we all stick to it whenever we're around them.

JANE: They can kill indiscriminately for no reason? Other than this code thing?

DET. ANAYA: Well, they kill anyone they see breaking the law around them. _(Looks pointedly at JOHN with his arm halfway in the vending machine) _ And they usually have some sort of lifelong mission, but they will stop and help any good cause that asks.

MORDIN: Detours might explain why mission "lifelong".

DET. ANAYA: Out of complete curiosity, why do you want to find her?

_(They continue ignoring the drama in the corner, wherein JOHN and now GARRUS have both got their arms stuck in the vending machine)_

JANE: I need to hire her for a job. Need to go save the universe. Again.

DET. ANAYA: _(Huge sigh of relief)_ Oh thank God! My idiotic bosses have ordered me to arrest her so she doesn't kill anyone important around here. We've never had to deal with Justicars this far out, no one's been following any rules, and if she gets anywhere near the trading floor, there's going to be hell to pay.

JANE: But you don't want to.

DET. ANAYA: No way. I haven't survived this long in this neighborhood by being ambitious.

JANE: It's a suicidal order. You should refuse. What can they do that's worse?

DET. ANAYA: It's rumored they're looking for another envoy to the quarian fleet. The last one put herself out the airlock. They say her last words were "Ahhh peace and quiet at last!"

JANE: Oh… that is serious. So where can I find Samara?

DET. ANAYA: Somewhere back of the police line. Some corrupt volus got himself killed the other night and she wanted to go back there.

JANE: And you said yes?

DET. ANAYA: Do I look ambitious? When the Justicar is around, you do what the Justicar says. Then you get to stay around too.

_(JANE gets up and goes to the vending machine where JOHN and GARRUS look up guiltily. She puts a hand on each of their heads and slams them together. The shock and change of position is enough to loosen their arms from the vending machine, but only JOHN is able to hold on to his candy bar)_

**INT: ILLIUM: JUSTICAR ALLEY: BLUSTERY DAY**

_(As JANE, JOHN, GARRUS, and MORDIN approach the door to where they are supposed to find SAMARA, they hear a smashing sound. They open the door, only to see a body whiz biotically by. Following it flying biotically is an older Asari who is wearing a skin tight red leather jumpsuit with a high collar. To JOHN's delight, this collar is detached and the jumpsuit is zipped down to the Asari's mid abdomen, showing off the majority of … well, you get the idea.)_

JANE: That's a Warrior MONK?

MORDIN: It would appear that zipper is made of titanium to withstand such stress.

GARRUS: I need to do some calibrations.

JOHN: Habbabda habbada huh?

SAMARA: _(To victim)_ Tell me the name of the ship!

VICTIM: The S.S. I Am Entirely Too Loyal For My Own Good!

SAMARA: Wrong answer.

_(Politely as possible, SAMARA smashes the VICTIM's head in. JOHN is drooling open mouthed now, and twisting his head at an odd angle for a better view of … the body. SAMARA wipes her hands and steps over to the NORMANDY team)_

SAMARA: I see a heavily armed team of soldiers in front of me. Behind me you will note the remains of the last heavily armed team of soldiers I encountered. Are we going to have a problem?

JANE: Nope. I don't think so, but I would like to point out that it's not nice to kill prisoners like that. It's not important. Just thought I'd bring it up.

SAMARA: Oh that's nice dear. I appreciate that you care. What's wrong with your fellow over here? He looks like he's about to have a seizure.

JANE: Oh, no! Er… I mean, he's one of my crew. My brother actually. Don't let him worry you. He's got a mental condition. We call it Tourrette's Syndrome. Uh… it makes him say really stupid things and like …

JOHN: Are those real?

JANE: Well, like that. You just ignore anything he says or does, because chances are he doesn't know he's doing it.

JOHN: I what? Listen you sneaky little skank, you stole my command out from under me, you put me on janitor duty, and you were probably the one who told Jack I had a tiny … _(notices JANE's rapid throat cutting gesture and trails off)_ … Did I say something again?

JANE: Why of course not, Johnny. You just be a good boy and go out and wait for us in hall, OK?

JOHN: OK, sis! _(JOHN mouths something nasty as he walks away)_.

JANE: It's quite sad, really. One time I only barely stopped him from killing an entire village in one of his episodes.

MORDIN: _(Nudged by JANE for corroboration)_ Mentally disturbed. No cure.

GARRUS: But a great guy when he's not hanging people off ledges!

SAMARA: That's nice dear. Now what did you want to see me about?

JANE: I don't know if you'd be interested, but I have an impossible cause, and I need warrior monks like you to help me pull it off… Err. I mean put it together… I mean… do it.

SAMARA: Oh my, I love impossible causes! Almost as much as I love making apple pies and embroidery sets! But I simply can't go until you find the name of the ship my fugitive left on. Of course, I can't tell you who or what the fugitive is, but I'm sure you'll figure it out.

DET. ANAYA: I wish you'd have gone with them, Ma'am. I'm going to have to arrest you. With these lightweight handcuffs. Which I'm bringing over extremely slowly. Did I mention I have a glass jaw? One tiny punch and I'm out like a light.

SAMARA: Those will not be necessary. I'll come with you. We can chat while Shepard here does all the work. You will help, won't you dear?

_(Before JANE has a chance to reply, SAMARA walks away with DET. ANAYA. Frustrated, JANE follows them out. Before she gets very far, she sees a sign that says: "Eclipse Hideout: No non-murderers allowed!" A few shiny buttons pressed in the right order, and it opens and allows them entry. They ride an elevator down.)_

JOHN: Tourette's Syndrome? Do I look like a retard to you?

JANE: What you look like is beside the point. If I didn't give her a reason to ignore you and quick, you were going to get us all killed! Besides it's a good cover. If you stay out of her way, then whatever idiotic things you do around her can be blamed on your insufficient brain.

JOHN: My brain is not Insuffoshyont!

JANE: Whatever. Go kill those robots!

_(JOHN storms out and smashes through some rather poor defenses. However, halfway through it becomes apparent that in addition to being terrible shots, these Eclipse mercenaries also have very little survival sense, and left containers of toxic gas sitting everywhere. A few well placed shots, and the team is most of the way through the Eclipse base. After picking up a few modded shotguns, they hear a whimpering in a side room)_

JANE: Is anyone there?

_(The whimpering stops and a scared looking Asari pops out, stuttering excuses)_

ASARI: I didn't shoot at you, I swear. I was just… admiring the scenery down here, and someone shoved a gun in my hand and said I had to shoot at you. But I didn't. I shot at those pretty red boxes you were hiding behind!

JOHN: You were down here admiring the scenery?

ASARI: Yep… that was it. _(Pretends to flirt with JOHN) _And boy is it getting better all the time.

JANE: So you were admiring the scenery, and only shooting the pretty red boxes full of poison?

ASARI: _(Eagerly)_ Yep. Uh huh. That's all!

JOHN: Can we shoot her?

ASARI: BLEEP That!

_(She unslings her gun and shoots JOHN in the chest. John's shield absorbs all of it and suddenly she is facing four heavily armed soldiers. She drops her gun faster than JANE can say "That")_

JANE: That was stupid.

ASARI: _(Friendly grin) _Just testing. Yep, your shields are definitely working. Well, I'll be on my way now. Look out for those pretty red boxes!

JOHN: Let me shoot her!

JANE: Nah. I want to see what she does in Mass Effect 3.

MORDIN: She had better obtain better armaments if she wishes to be included.

_(Moving past more "pretty red boxes" and a few stubborn mercenaries who were too high to hide in the closet, they eventually make their way to the final hallway, wherein stands a rather strange looking Volus who smells like he has had far too many beans for comfort.)_

VOLUS: Fear me! For I am a Biotic God!

GARRUS: You're a what?

_(The VOLUS bends over and farts with a great amount of effort, creating a smelly biotic push that stirs their hair gently)_

VOLUS: A Biotic God! I think things and they happen. I am all powerful! _(Fart)_

JANE: Well, you're certainly a Biotic wind, but we've got this under control.

VOLUS: No! I will toss them about with a tempest! _(Fart)_

JOHN: Hey what's that over there?

_(The VOLUS turns to look, but JOHN knocks him on the head with his rifle and he lays on the floor unconscious. They proceed to the Boss Chamber)_

BOSS: Oh come on! First a Space Vampire, then a Justicar, then that Smelly Biotic God, and now a bunch of humans? Does no one read the "Murderers Only" sign?

JOHN: If it's any consolation, I'm a great murderer!

BOSS: _(Throwing a Pretty Red Box of poison at him)_ It's not.

_(Several minutes later, they emerge from the cover, successful but stoned out of their minds.)_

JOHN: Wow. I loved that battle. It was so, so… I don't know. So I Don't KNOW!

GARRUS: Are any of you hungry? I'm hungry. I'm so hungry I could eat a whole pile of donuts. They never gave us decent donuts at C-sec….

JANE: Dude, I'm high, and you're still boring me. Shut up already.

_(MORDIN has dozed off on his feet and falls over onto the desk, drooling on a tablet that is sitting on top of a huge pile. He wakes up slightly)_

MORDIN: Hey… uh… Guys! This … HA HA HA _(He goes into a laughing fit and then falls asleep on the desk again)_

JANE: This … this yellow thing. It has important stuff on it. We should take it back… yeah. Take it back to the Busty-car! Hahehehah

JOHN: Busty-car! Priceless! Heheheheh!

GARRUS: They never let the Women at C-Sec wear those uniforms. If they had, I wouldn't have minded it so much.

JANE: Put a sock in it Garrus!

_(They walk the long trek back to the police station. Being wasted, it takes longer with all the wrong turns, and by the time they get back its morning and they are all fairly sober, except MORDIN, who is draped over JOHN's back)_

JANE: Samara, oh Samara!

SAMARA: Do you have the name of the ship?

JANE: Nope. John does.

JOHN: No. Garrus does.

GARRUS: They never gave us decent tablets at C-sec. Not like this one with some ship's name on it.

_(OK, so maybe they aren't completely sober… )_

SAMARA: Oh goody. Well I'm so happy that you got this for me that I'll go on your little mission to save the world. Who did you say it was for?

JANE: Interstellar Terrorists. Or was that Freedom Fighters… I forget.

SAMARA: Oh, how nice. Well I promised to come help, so I will. But first I must swear an oath to you so I won't kill you at your first infraction, which judging by your bloodshot eyes, might be very soon.

JOHN: Cool. Is that vending machine still over there?

_(SAMARA gets on her knees and ghostly biotic light surrounds her as she says the solemn words)_

SAMARA: By the Code, I will serve you, Shepard. I vow to leap from life to life, righting what once was wrong. Your choices will be my choices, your morals my morals. Except for the morals I don't like. Those I can kill you for when we get done. Alrighty then.

JANE: That vow… it sounds familiar. You don't know anyone named 'Al' do you?

SAMARA: Al? Why, whoever do you mean?

JANE: Short guy, invisible to anyone but you, smokes a cigar constantly?

SAMARA: The strange fantasies these humans have… No, dear, I haven't seen him. Now where would you like me to stay?

JANE: Where do you want to stay?

SAMARA: A room with a view would be nice.

JANE: Absolutely. Just move into the port side viewing room.

JOHN: HEY! That's my room!

JANE: Not anymore. Put your stuff into the life support area.

JOHN: I hate you.

SAMARA: Thank you Commander Shepard. I'm looking forward to serving with an honorable company of heroes.

_(JANE holds her face solemnly still until SAMARA is out of earshot, and then breaks down laughing)_


	10. Chapter 11: Going Up?

**Mock Effect 2**

**Chapter 11: Going Up?**

**INT:NORMANDY CREW DECK: DAY**

_(Having come off her red sand high, JANE stops by SAMARA's room to see if she did anything really embarrassing. Samara is meditating on the floor and a freaky blue light is emanating from her eyes. Jane coughs discreetly and Samara stands up.)_

JANE: Just stopping by to see how you're settling in. You're not big on furniture, are you?

SAMARA: I am well. Though I would ask you to do me a favor.

JANE: Sure. What do you need? A butt cushion?

SAMARA: Oh, my, that would be nice, but I would also like an explanation of a strange encounter I had with your crew.

JANE: What did Johnny do now?

SAMARA: Your brother? Nothing that can't be explained by his unfortunate condition. I'm sure getting stuck in the ventilation shafts above the women's showers is just part of life when struggling with Tourette's. No, I ran into Jacob, Miranda, and Garrus in the galley. They all seemed particularly amused at something, and I asked them why. They said they were simply pleased at my presence on board the ship. Jacob said something about their having studied my profile extensively and being satisfied with my performance, the entire area broke down in laughter. Perhaps it's my lack of experience with your race, but the humor in his statement eludes me. What was so clever in that straightforward comment?

JANE: Uh… well … he was referring to… er… that is… _(mutters)_ No, I am not pissing off a biotic on my new ship, I don't care if it's the paragon thing to do! _(normal voice)_ Just ignore them Samara. They are in shock at having such a **… **distinguished … new comrade.

SAMARA: All right, dear, it's already forgotten. Now may I get back to my meditations?

JANE: Don't you want to know anything about our mission? Who we're working for?

SAMARA: Oh, never you mind that, dear. Samara doesn't worry herself with little things like facts. Your picking up a shipping manifest for me is enough to ensure my loyalty through just about anything except creating a huge biotic shield in a disaster area.

JANE: It doesn't bother you that you're working for terrorists?

SAMARA: Now, now, dear, that delightful Yeoman Chambers assured me that they are nothing of the kind. She said you were a bit paranoid about them, but I wasn't to worry.

JANE: She did, did she?

SAMARA: When you've been in unrestricted law enforcement as long as I have, dear, you don't mind working for a few mass murderers now and again. Or was that murdering a few of the working masses? Never you mind. I'll be here staring out into nothingness if you need me.

JANE: Right. Thanks. Enjoy… that.

_(Shaking her head at the unique luck that every person they'd been sent to recruit was a complete crackpot , JANE makes her way to the Med Bay, where she finds JOHN taking a nap on one of the stretchers)_

JANE: _(Shaking him)_ Come on, you little pervert, we have an assassin to find.

JOHN: _(sleepily)_ No, Mom, she was just a friend! I have no idea what her father is talking about… Huh? Did someone say Ass?

JANE: Ass-assin. As in one of those fellows who's preventing the Templars from taking over the world by making sure we don't enjoy our ignorance?

JOHN: Hey I loved that game. Except for the hiding in hay bales business. Are there seriously any guards who don't notice someone's venetian blue butt sticking out of a hay bale?

JANE: I'm sure we'll talk more about this later. Let's get moving! Liara said to talk to a "Seryna."

_(Selecting GRUNT & JACK at random, they disembark, and proceed to SEYRNA's Office)_

JANE: Seryna?

SERYNA: For the last time, I had nothing to do with that "kill Nassana now dot com" site. Just drop it!

JANE: What website? Liara T'Soni said you could help us find a guy named Thane.

SERYNA: That power broker who used to be an archaeologist? She never called me back! That's what I get for drinking too much. She probably decided I'm bitter or something.

JANE: Bitter enough to hire an assassin? Perhaps one named Thane?

SERYNA: I mean, it's not like I didn't work my butt off for that company, and then find out the boss is a sadistic murderess. Why shouldn't I be bitter? I just haaaad to google her. It's a shame really, I would have been good enough to stop a legendary assassin like Thane from getting to her.

JOHN: So where is this guy?

SERYNA: I mean, I'm not overly bitter about losing my top of the line job on this planet of sorority girls where status is everything, I'm just resentful that it happened to me. Just think of the health benefits I lost.

JOHN: You're going lose your head benefit if you don't shut up and start telling me where we can find that assassin.

SERYNA: Fine. Be that way. He's sneaking up the Dantius Towers tonight. I can take you over there if you want. It'll give me time to explain why I gave away all of Nassana's secrets to a complete stranger.

JACK: TAXI!

_(A Taxi pulls up to the window, and the SHEPERDS pile in, followed hastily by GRUNT and JACK. They close the door in SERYNA's face but not before a certain phalange is raised in mock farewell. )_

**INT:DANTIUS TOWERS:FIRST FLOOR:NIGHT**

_(The taxi takes them to the DANTIUS TOWERS, but the driver sensibly refuses to go to the top floor and lets them off half way up the second tower. Just as they step out of the taxi, they spot some Mechs shooting at some very scared salarians. After a short skirmish, they approach the lone survivor)_

WOUNDED SALARIAN: Help! I'm bleeding! Or I assume that's what this green stuff is. Ow. Yep. Definitely bleeding.

JANE: Who shot you?

WS: Uh… you were there. Those Robots? You shot them? Remember? Figures I get the one rescuer in the world with no short term memory. By the way… still bleeding.

JANE: But why would they shoot you?

GRUNT: I believe we can attribute this to an assurance from the developers that antagonists of this mission are truly evil and deserve death. Therefore, they may be killed with impunity and no moral implications need be considered.

JACK: Hey! Krogan are supposed to be dumb. You're big and dumb, I'm a crazy bitch. Stick to the script!

JOHN: Yeah, Wrex! Stick to the script!

GRUNT: I'm not Wrex. See, no gravel in my voice when I say "Shepard"

JANE: Whatever, Wrex. Now why did they shoot you?

WS: At this point, I don't care. Again, I'm bleeding to death here, is this really the time to interrogate me?

JOHN: Seems fine to me. You're here. We're here. You can answer questions.

_(The Wounded Salarian's Eye roll goes further than he intended, and he falls unconscious due to blood loss. JANE finally takes the hint and puts some medigel on his wounds. The WS's breathing improves, but he doesn't get up and dance any highland flings. The team continues their ascent. Nassana's Mercenaries and Robots, feeling very guilty from their afternoon atrocities, commit suicide by running en masse at the heavily armed troop wandering through their hallways.)_

JOHN: Did you hear something?

JANE: Sounded like the elevator.

JACK: BLEEPin' more of them?

GRUNT: _(Dispirited) _We kill. Rah.

_(A few overly regretful Mercs step out of the Elevator into heavy fire. Thanks to Bioware's convenient if awkward DLC, JACK & GRUNT's Geth Plasma Cannons take them all out before JOHN gets a shot or wisecrack in edgewise. JANE pauses to unlock a side door before going upstairs)_

JOHN: Why do you keep doing that?

JANE: There might be loot inside!

JOHN: This is not Dragon Age or Fallout! There is no good stuff hidden in every room!

_(The door opens and three nervous Salarians peek out)_

S1: uh… Hi?

S2: Can we help you?

S3: We're just hiding from certain death, don't mind us.

JANE: You can come out now, we've killed all the mercenaries on this floor.

S1: We're fine in here thanks.

S2: You people do not look like you're here for the Christmas party.

S3: Human Resources is upstairs.

JACK: Wait, you mean you BLEEPin' knew they were killers?

S1: Well, we needed a job, and we're honorable employees who keep all the terms of our respective contracts.

S2: And bad things happened to people who clocked out early.

S3: And they had the elevator closed down. I am not walking down all those stairs. My union would have a fit!

JOHN: So you work for a murderous psychopath who kills people to make minor advances in her goals?

JANE: Gee, I can't imagine what that's like.

_(After JOHN "borrows their wallets" and JACK takes the remaining medical supplies and credits left in the room, they lock them back in, with JANE still shaking her head at the stupidity of their [and her] position. They go upstairs, slowly walking up on a Mercenary having a conversation on his Bluetooth.)_

**INT: DANTIUS TOWERS: SECOND FLOOR: NIGHT**

MERC: Yeah, man, that sucks. If she was worth it at all, she would have stuck around. I don't care who you cheated on her with. Yeah. Uh-huh. REALLY? No way!

_(JANE taps him on the shoulder)_

MERC: Listen, Lady, I'm on the phone. Yeah, Charlie? I don't know what. Some bunch of idiots wants to talk to me. Yeah, I told them I was on the phone. Now what were you saying about the blonde? No way! I would have sworn that …

_(GRUNT hits him on the back)_

MERC: Hey, Man! I'm talking here! No, Charlie, just some dumb bitch who won't take no for an answer. I know, right? Some people have no telephone etiquette these days. Last week I was at the Mercs-r-us, and this woman chatted the whole time we were in line, and I'm thinking she's into me, right? No. She's on her fricking headset!

_(JOHN shoots a hole in the floor between the MERC's legs)_

JOHN: The next one will be higher.

MERC: Listen, Charlie, I gotta let you go. Something's come up. No, don't worry about it, I'll call you later. _(To them)_ Can I HELP you?

JANE: We want to know where the assassin is.

MERC: What assassin? I've been out here on the phone.

JOHN: _(To JACK)_ Watch this, I'm going to shove him up against the wall and swear at him, he'll tell us everything.

_(Even as JANE says "WAIT!" JOHN grabs the MERC by the collar shoves him up against what must be the most fragile window in skyscraper history. He loses control and the Merc plunges through the minor barrier to a painful demise)_

MERC: Nooooooooo Waaaaaayyyyyyy!

_(JOHN is only prevented from going through the window himself by JANE's sticking out a foot to trip him as he got close. He is hauled to safety, though unhappy at the MERC's Demise)_

JOHN: Man, I had a good one liner all ready! "How About Goodbye?"

JANE: What is this, Die Hard?

GRUNT: The similarities are hard to ignore. I would wager fifty credits that body lands on a police vehicle's roof.

JACK: We are not having a conversation about BLEEPin' Twinkies! Got it?

_(JOHN's disappointed mutterings are cut off by a body dropping through the air vent, and the sounds of someone crawling in the ventilation shafts.)_

VOICE IN VENTS: Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs, they said. But nooooo.

JANE: We should go.

_(Their brief encounter with the commando's "team" not being even worth significant detail, they find another room of very scared salarians who have no concept of common sense, but are helpful enough with directions to the bridge to Nassana's penthouse. The team goes up a flight and come across a speaker phone)_

NASSANA: HELLO? Is anyone there? Is the one security guard scenario again? Hasn't it been overworked?

JOHN: Actually, Ma'am, there are four of us. And we think one guy in the vents.

JANE: HEY!

JOHN: What? It's not like it's not the first place they look anymore. They shoot a couple of rounds in them to satisfy their curiosity, all of which miss the hero by inches, then everyone moves on. It's standard procedure.

NASSANA: He's right. And you wouldn't believe what's in the stupid henchman contracts these days. Life Insurance! So who do you think you are anyway? John Wayne? Will Kane? Rambo?

JOHN: _(waving the others off) _I got this. _(to speaker)_ I was always partial to Roy Rogers, myself.

NASSANA: We will get you, you know.

JOHN: Yippee-Kai-Yay, Mother-_(BLAM, JANE shoots the speaker box) _HEY! Are you trying to make this like Die Hard 4? Censored? A good F-bomb livens things up a little!

JANE: God, I hope this story turns out better than Die Hard 4. There are some things that shouldn't be resurrected.

GRUNT: Nostalgia trumps plotline in every drama, or "we see what we wish to see"

_(They keep going, eventually reaching a bridge full of determined mercenaries who forgot the most important part of working on the roof of an unfinished skyscraper: Parachutes. JACK's biotic bowling balls send most of them over the side and the rest scurrying for cover. The team opens Nassana's office door with little difficulty)_

NASSANA: YOU! You're dead!

JOHN: I got better.

JANE: Forgive him. He thinks life is one big action movie.

NASSANA'S AIDE: Don't worry, she's the same way. She thinks she's the new queen of the mafia. Just because she talked some idiot into killing her sister.

JANE: Well, there are all those bodies of innocent workers down there…

AIDE: She's into realism.

JOHN: We're waiting for the big show.

NASSANA: What show?

JOHN: _(Suddenly puzzled)_ Ummm… no show in particular. We were just out for a walk, and Jane said there would be a show here.

NASSANA: So you slaughtered your way through my contingent of bodyguards to … see a show?

JOHN: Er… yeah. Jane said it was really great.

NASSANA: Right. What is that you want?

_(JANE & the AIDE share mutual expressions of disgust. A small sound comes from the air vents, as if someone just stubbed their toe on a bracer)_

JACK: Offer us money!

AIDE: Ma'am, did you hear that?

NASSANA: Fine. And no, I didn't hear anything.

_(Meanwhile, in the background, Nassana's remaining guards begin to vanish up the air vents one by one.)_

GRUNT: Power too!

AIDE: Ma'am, someone's in the vents!

NASSANA: Sure, all the power you want. Nonsense! I had someone shoot a few holes in them a few minutes ago.

_(The guard next to the AIDE clutches her neck and falls unconscious.)_

JOHN: Offer me anything I ask for!

AIDE: Ma'am, I quit! This job is too stressful! _(Runs for her life)_

NASSANA: Anything you want! What was her problem?

THANE: _(dropping down beside NASSANA) _I want my father back, you son of a bitch.

_(He pulls a blaster out of his holster and almost tenderly shoots her in the stomach, laying her to rest on her massive desk.)_

THANE: Actually, she had nothing to do with my father, but seeing as most of this scene was ripped off from Princess Bride, I thought only polite to finish it properly.

_(THANE folds his hands in prayer, but is interrupted from the table)_

NASSANA: OOOooooowwwwwww. That hurts. A lot. I'm gonna get sepsis from this, aren't I? Probably hit a few blood vessels too. Ow. Nope. I'm still here. HEY! You shot me! In the gut! When I can get up, I'm going to have your – _(THANE double taps her head, then returns to praying)_

GRUNT: Are either of you going to point out that she doesn't deserve prayer? It was well established earlier that her character was ruthless and without any sort of pity.

JOHN: I'm thinking I'm not going to interrupt the guy who just took out 7 mercs with his bare hands and a bit of fishing twine, but if you want to bother him, be my guest.

JANE: I'm with him.

THANE: I'm not praying for her. I'm praying for me. If this "rescue" is any indicator of what I'm in for, I'm going to need it.

JANE: A valid point. How do you feel about taking on jobs for terrorists with good intentions?

THANE: I was going to retire, but I suppose one last job wouldn't hurt.

JOHN: Dude, never say that!

THANE: What, "one last job can't hurt"?

JOHN: No! "Retire" It's a sure sign the writers are trying to kill you off!

THANE: Oh they already did that. I'm dying.

JANE: Crap. All this climbing for nothing.

THANE: No, not necessarily. I'm not dead yet, but I desperately need to bring my karma up a few levels before kicking the bucket, or I'm going to end up where they make you dance the funky chicken while listening to Justin Bieber for eternity.

JANE: Well I don't know about Karma, but we are going after bad guys who have kidnapped entire colonies.

THANE: Hmm, that might be enough, but just in case, I had better do this mission for free. It can't be hurt to be seen as altruistic by any flying spaghetti monsters up there.

JANE: That's fine by me. See you on the ship.

**INT: NORMANDY: CREW DECK: DAY**

JACOB: Welcome to the Normandy, Krios. Sounds like you'll be an asset to the team… if they like assassins!

THANE: Is there a problem?

JANE: No. The writers thought it would be fun to stick a little jealousy in here since they think that the only reason I would bring a male character on board is to have sweaty alien sex with him.

JOHN: Ewww! Gross!

JACOB: I had a shot until you got here, Krios!

JANE: No you didn't. And neither does he, for the record.

JOHN: I think I'm gonna barf.

THANE: Hmm. Well, where should I stay?

JANE: Where do you want to stay?

THANE: Warm and dry would be nice. I'm a lizard man, so it's kind of obvious.

EDI: The warmest and driest place on the ship is presently Window Washer Shepard's Quarters in the life support area.

JOHN: What? Wait a second. Not again. Not my room. I will fight to the death for my room, Jane. Not gonna happen!

JANE: Fine. Thane, your choice of weapon?

THANE: I choose my little finger. Though that might make the contest a bit short. Sorry. I've had a long day.

JOHN: HA! Your pinkie? You're going to try and kill me with your pinkie?

_(JOHN's smirk fades as THANE waggles said finger)_

JOHN: You know, on second thought, I think I'll move down to engineering. Scotty and that other chick have a ton of extra space, and I don't snore too much… so I think I'll move down there.

THANE: _(cracking his knuckles) _A wise decision.

JANE: Thanks, Johnny. I knew I could count on you.

_(JOHN walks off muttering…)_

JOHN: Window Washer Shepard? JANE!


	11. Chapter 12: Sunny Side of the Street

**Mock Effect 2**

**Chapter 12: Sunny Side of the Street**

**INT: NORMANDY CREW DECK: DAY**

_(JANE SHEPARD, having noticed a surprising lack of office supplies, has stopped by KASUMI's room to investigate. She is surprised not to see a pile of staplers but rather a sophisticated looking nook wherein KASUMI is reading on the couch)_

JANE: Glad to see you're settling in here!

KASUMI: It's hard to stay in one place this long. But stealing the occasional tape dispenser makes me feel better _(Hands it to JANE)_

JANE: Aha! Jack will be pleased to have this back. Her outfit was drifting occasionally.

KASUMI: Being another female wearing a skintight uniform, I'm not one to talk, but does that woman ever wear clothes?

JANE: Only if you bought the first alternate appearance pack. Stupid DLC.

KASUMI: Oh, I know what you mean. I can only speak in 3 sentence fragments unless you touch my stuff.

JANE: At least you have a bar in here. All Zaeed has is the garbage disposal.

KASUMI: Let's face it, you're nowhere near lucky. So far you're stuck working for terrorists and hiring assassins, creeps, and mercenaries all of whom have daddy issues.

JANE: How did you know about that, I haven't done any loyalty missions yet!

KASUMI: I'm a master thief, remember? I filched a copy of Kelly's list. Boy, are you in for it.

JANE: Keep it up and I won't do yours.

KASUMI: Mine is one of the more interesting ones. Well minus the obvious "James Bond enters the Matrix" vibe.

JANE: You should've just taken the blue pill Jane…

KASUMI: Hey, while you're still here, can you let me know if you and Jacob have something going? I like to fantasize about him when I'm not grieving the gruesome death of my last lover.

JANE: Oh no, you can have him.

KASUMI: And could you fill me in the sexual harassment protocols on a Cerberus ship? When I waltz through the control room in this skintight suit I get the uncomfortable feeling that people are watching me.

JANE: Funny you should mention that, Miranda has the same complaint. Haven't heard anything from Jack, though. Or Crewman Knight for that matter. Perhaps you could consider not dressing in skintight pajamas to sneak about the ship? I'm sure once we find Crewman Knight's body everyone will be much more respectful.

KASUMI: That's all I have. Come back after a mission to see if I can think of any new comments.

_(JANE waves and walks next door to THANE's new quarters on the life support deck. THANE is sitting at his table staring into reactor that powers the ship. He appears to be either in a trance state or half asleep)_

JANE: Hey there sunshine, mind if I sit down?

THANE: Oh. Right. Sitting. I sat down once, no twice, no 758 times in the last year. Or was that 832? Should meditating count?

JANE: Up to you. You really have a vivid memory, huh?

THANE: Perhaps. It is a gift and a curse. Let's just say that there are certain memories that aren't great. That day in the doctor's office, for example.

JANE: Oh yeah, that's right you're dying. You were going to explain that to me.

THANE: Think of it as metastasized alien lung cancer. No way you can save me, no matter how many fan threads you put up. Though it is highly probable that a heretofore unnamed relative of mine will make an appearance.

JANE: I'm sure I'll hear about it when Kelly catches up to me. She thinks I'm in engineering right now. That should keep her occupied for a few more minutes. Now about this disease…

THANE: Don't worry, you can't catch it unless you suicidally live on a wet planet when your body was built for a dry one.

JANE: Good to know. How come you have it?

THANE: Guess.

JANE: I'm not that stupid. I meant how come you stayed on the ocean planet instead of moving somewhere nicer?

THANE: Uhhh…. I had a good job. And my people made an ancient deal with the Hanar… so I was stuck.

JANE: Right. They trained you to be a ruthless assassin, and they never once considered moving your hq to a warmer drier planet? Have you never heard employee rights? At the very least you should sue for workman's comp.

THANE: Assassin's don't get workman's comp. The retirement package is being allowed to live, and only then it's an iffy. Ask Sly Stallone. Or that weird elf from Dragonage.

JANE: Use a breather?

THANE: Oh. I don't think anyone's ever thought of that. We're good at killing people. Survival… not so much.

JANE: Glad I could help.

THANE: Hmm. If you're finished, I'd like to return to my meditations.

JANE: Right. See ya. Oh, if you get the time, hook me up with some more probes for planetary strip mining. Gotta catch 'em all!

**INT: NORMANDY COMMAND DECK: DAY**

_(On her way to the control room, KELLY approaches the commander, finally having gotten out of the engineering deck.)_

KELLY: Oh there you are! I have been, like, looking for you all over! The Illusive Man has got one more person for you to pick up.

JANE: Oh really. Who?

KELLY: The Engineer. Like, she does doors and hacking and stuff.

JANE: I meant, what's her name? Samus? Zelda? Hawke?

KELLY: I'm not supposed to tell you. The Illusive man, like, made me promise on a stack of bibles. Or were those cookbooks? I didn't read the titles. But I did promise.

JANE: Don't make me go hardball on you.

KELLY: I promised!

JANE: Ohhh, Johnny! _(Into mike)_

_(JOHN's voice comes through, but it becomes obvious that he is trying in vain to hide out in the Cockpit. JANE reconvenes the meeting therein)_

JANE: John, tell little miss valley girl here that she had better tell me who we're picking up, or you'll throw her out an airlock.

JOHN: Why don't you tell her?

JANE: I don't want the renegade points. You already have the meter full, so you can be nasty with impunity. _ (At JOHN's hopeful smile) _WHEN I say so.

JOHN: Hmmm.. So now you want my help, huh? First it's all "Johnny scrub the toilets" and then it's "Johnny fix the sinks" and now it's "Johnny, intimidate the suspect." Why should I help you? What will you give me in return?

JANE: Fine, you can have the Cubans back. But you have to be wearing clothes when you walk around smoking them. Your clothes. A full outfit. I don't care if it's the middle of the night.

JOHN: That's it? My cigars? Not my comfy room with the bar? Not my job as your co-commander? Not even a visit with the consort? How about you just throw in a crate of omni-gel and I can be exactly nowhere?

JANE: Don't cross me, brother. You will regret it.

JOHN: That's funny, I don't think I will. So, no, I will not intimidate the hot redhead. Incidentally, I need her to go feed my fish.

JANE: You don't have any fish.

JOHN: I would if you let me do anything around here!

JANE: I let you do plenty!

JOHN: Like what? Taking over the air filters?

JANE: Like my dumbass redhead assistant!

JOHN: OH yeah?

JANE: OH YEAH!

_(You get the idea... Eventually they run out of energy and names to yell at one another, and resentfully they pull up at the planet specified, landing with quieter teammates KASUMI & THANE. But upon touchdown, EDI radios them some disturbing news)_

**EXT: HAESTROM: RUINS: DAY**

EDI: I'm sorry Shepard, but the ship's DVR did not record last nights' "Dancing with the Stars". It seems someone changed the settings to record "Blasto: Tentacles of Justice".

JANE: Damnit John!

EDI: There's more. This planet's sun is exploding early and consequently any exposure to direct sunlight could be deadly.

JANE: Damnit Tim!

EDI: Annnnd the planet is swarming with Geth.

JANE: Damnit, Jane…. Any good news for me, Edi?

EDI: I have successfully repaired the settings and locked out any further interference with your DVR.

JANE: Thanks Edi, we'll take it from here. Alright people, we're headed into hell, or at least someplace equally sunny, so keep in the shade!

KASUMI: I'm dressed entirely in black. I'm beginning to doubt my fashion sense.

JOHN: Black is cool. Except for when it's hot. It's hot even when it's hot. Which is cool.

_(Ignoring JOHN, JANE notices that THANE is stretched out on a lawn chair that came out of nowhere and is sitting in the sun, a serene expression on his face)_

JANE: Thane, get back in the shade, that sun will fry you!

THANE: Shepard, I appreciate your concern, but I'm dying of metastasized alien lung cancer from living on a hydro-planet. The radiation can only shrink whatever tumors I have, and you would not believe how tough it is to get a tan where it rains all day.

KASUMI: He's right. You should go to London sometime, you'll see.

THANE: Worse comes to worse, I die watching the sunset.

JANE: And then I'm short an assassin. Get your butt over here, your karma needs you!

THANE: Haters.

_(They walk down a sloping path to a gate into an ancient compound. JANE optimistically ignores the Quarian body left blocking the door. Beyond the door they fight a small battle with Geth, coming eventually to a destroyed campsite with quarian and geth bodies littered around it. One of them has a active radio that is squawking. While JOHN and KASUMI loot the bodies, JANE answers)_

JANE: Hello? Who is this?

RADIO: Squad leader Kal'Reegar, what the hell are you boys playing at? We're sitting ducks out here!

JANE: We're not having that much fun ourselves. Incidentally neither are your troops. They are presently vulture food, if any vulture was stupid enough to go out for a jaunt.

RADIO: Damn. So that's what all that screaming was about. I thought the boss was simply on the wrong channel again.

JANE: The boss?

RADIO: Got 'em muted on the other channel. Not important. We're pinned down!

JANE: And you need whoever I am to go in and save your ass?

RADIO: Got it in one. As to who you are, don't much know, don't much care.

JANE: So, would this be the time to interrogate you on your purpose here?

RADIO: Don't make me unmute the boss' channel on you.

JANE: That doesn't sound pleasant. Right then. Onward!

_(Before they go any further, a geth ship flies by and blows the quarian position below them to smithereens. In addition it knocks over a nearby pillar, blocking the doorway. JANE and the team approach it, since it landed in the shade)_

JOHN: Alright, upsy daisy. Somebody give me a push here.

JANE: We can't do that, it's too tall.

THANE: I'm on the other side already.

KASUMI: It's barely taller than me, and I'm a short Japanese girl.

JANE: The script says we go and collect some explosives from nearby ambush sites. We have to do it that way.

JOHN: You know, normally I hate going by the rules, but I'm in favor of anything that lets me shoot stuff.

_(They dutifully walk into the ambushes and wipe out the geth who come swarming out of the walls. When they step out of the alcove, there's another ambush.)_

JANE: This doesn't make any bloody sense. I step into the sun for five seconds and my shields go out. Yet I'm stuck behind a lousy crate while Geth Primes waltz around out there having no problems with their shielding or armor!

_(THANE is lounging in his lawn chair again, sipping lemonade while occasionally taking a potshot at the geth outside.)_

KASUMI: It's the writers fault.

JOHN: Don't worry, they're on my list.

THANE: What list?

JOHN: People to violently eviscerate when ME3 is over.

JANE: When ME3 is over, I'm putting you in a mental ward.

_(Eventually they break through the supergeth's blockade, plant the charges and enter the building Reegar's troops were protecting. Inside are a few dying geth and more dead quarians. KASUMI amuses herself by breaking into an ancient wall safe while THANE and JOHN see who can look more badass in a cracked mirror. JANE steels herself and approaches the communication terminal. Sure enough, her screen fills with an image of TALI ZORAH NAR'RAYYA)_

TALI: Shepard? Am I already hallucinating? I took drugs once, I remember I saw…

JANE: Yes, it's us Tali. I guess we're here to rescue you.

TALI: You guess? You weren't nearly so non committal back on Freedom's Progress.

JANE: I had just been brought back from the dead. The cynicism hadn't kicked in yet.

TALI: Can you help me out here, Shepard? My father wanted me to get some inconspicuous geth parts for a treehouse he's building and I seem to have gotten stuck in a vault with angry robots out here trying to kill me.

JANE: Right… A displaced admiral wants geth parts for his "treehouse" and that gets you flat in the middle of a geth ambush in front of an exploding sun? How do you get into these messes?

TALI: You got me. All I did was tell a few stories at a few family meetings, and here I am, sent on really strange missions to the middle of nowhere. It's a big honor, they must have liked me.

JANE: Yeah, that must be it. Can you open this door on your end? I need to go relieve some stress on some robots that will never see it coming. I hate getting volunteered for stuff.

_(TALI opens the door, and JANE closes the comm channel. True to her word, JANE's ire is fierce to behold, and the miniature drones that swarm the field in front of her are hastily dispatched into scrap electronics. The few Geth Primes that were hunkered down in the area run for their synthetic lives. The rest of the team follows dutifully, arriving at a shuttered room by a stairwell. At the end of the stairwell is Quarian with a rocket launcher who does not look happy)_

JANE: Kal'Reegar, I presume?

REEGAR: Yep, that's me. Tali's holed up in that bunker over there. The geth are trying to get in, but I keep firing rockets at them.

_(Throughout this brief conversation, JOHN is motioning urgently at JANE)_

JOHN: Jane…

JANE: That will keep a hacker distracted Mr. Reegar. You'll pardon me, but your voice sounds awfully familiar

JOHN: Jane!

REEGAR: Can't imagine why… Eerie, ain't it?

JOHN: JANE!

BOTH: WHAT?

JOHN: There's a Geth Colossus over there. It's got a bead on us.

REEGAR: No kidding. Why'd you think I was back here instead of out there? Not to be ungrateful, but what are you people doing here?

JANE: We came to recruit an engineer for an important mission. We used to work with Tali, and our boss apparently felt her expertise would be of use.

REEGAR: Let me get this straight. You came BACK for Tali?

JANE: Don't rub it in. How's she doing in there, by the way?

_(REEGAR changes his channel and we hear TALI talking to herself about how the geth hierarchy was formed. He quickly switches back.)_

REEGAR: Yeah, she's fine. It's going to be hard taking out that colossus, though. Me & Vera can back you up, but you're gonna have to get close and blow it up.

JANE: Vera?

REEGAR: Yeah, Vera. This launcher's so pretty I thought she deserved a name.

JOHN: This one's Bianca.

THANE: Penelope

KASUMI: Gun

JANE: Thank you!

KASUMI: ..ga Din.

JANE: You people are nuts.

JOHN: I prefer "insane" How are we going to kill this thing?

JANE: I have an idea. Hand me that radio. Hmm. Ok, on the count of three, cover me!

_(Jane dashes out and around the corner, hiding behind conveniently placed rubble in the shade. She charges out and around to the edge of the Colossus' area, where the geth are content to wait for her to come out.)_

JANE: Everyone cover your ears!

REEGAR: What… Why? _(His eyelights flash)_ Ohh no… You can't mean to... Cover your ears!

_(Even JOHN is cowed by the terror in REEGAR's voice, and everyone does as JANE ordered. JANE turns the radio on and raises the volume to the highest level. Then, covering her own ears, she opens TALI's channel and tosses the radio under the Colossus. TALI's bored recitation of Krogan poetry is drowned out by mechanical screams of agony. When they stop, JANE shoots the radio to silence it, and is joined by REEGAR and the team)_

REEGAR: Are you out of your gorram mind?

JOHN: That shouldn't have worked.

THANE: I fail to see why this was so dangerous.

KASUMI: Think anyone will miss this refined iridium?

JANE: Well, I'm out of heavy weapons and I have no interest in a one on one fight with it. So I used the tools I had. Thane, I can introduce the two of you if you really want to verify it.

REEGAR: I had a captain like you once… You are gorram crazy. _(mutters in Chinese and walks off)_

_(Reluctantly, they proceed, opening the door to TALI's refuge, wherein she is busy hacking an ancient computer)_

TALI: Now, let's see, were they using windows xp or … Drat. It's M.E. Shepard, this might take awhile.

JANE: Take your time. Call us when you're ready. We'll be out somewhere saving the world. Might take us a while to get to you, but you know, things happen.

TALI: Silly Shepard. It won't take that long. Besides Reegar is already gone, my only ride off is with you.

JANE: That son of a bitch. Won't the Migrant fleet want your data? Can't we drop you off over there to handle things?

TALI: Nonsense. They want me to go along for the ride with you, a human working for their avowed enemies. Father said "Those sorry bastards won't know what hit them." He must have been especially impressed with your decisions when I served with you. He talked about Virmire all the time.

KASUMI: You were at Virmire? What Happ _(JOHN clocks her with his rifle)_

JANE: Poor dear. She really should learn to watch her head. You'd think a master thief would be more careful. Are you sure Reegar is gone, Tali?

TALI: He said goodbye as he left, but I couldn't make the rest out, he was laughing so hard.

JOHN: That does it, I'm adding him to my list.

TALI: There, done. Ready to go with you.

JANE: Doggone it. Come on then.

_(With the Shuttle miraculously surviving another visit to the destabilizing planet, JANE, TALI, and cohort all return to the NORMANDY. JACOB is waiting for them)_

**INT: NORMANDY: CHAIRLESS CONFERENCE ROOM**

JACOB: Welcome aboard Tali Zorah.

TALI: That's Ms. Nar'Rayya to you, Cerberus scum!

JACOB: Typical of an ignorant space-bound race, unable to accept a simple greeting.

TALI: Accept? Why should I accept a greeting from filthy life-hating terrorists!

JANE: Girls, Girls! Calm down! You can duke it out after we complete our suicide mission.

JOHN: Awww. I wanted to see that. My money was on Tali hacking his electronic belt buckle and making him drop his pants mid fight. That would have been funny!

TALI: You expect me to make nice with these people, Shepard?

JANE: _(Hopefully) _You could always go home?

TALI: And leave you under their control? Not likely. I'll need a place to stay.

JANE: I have a space for you …

JOHN: Whoa now! Hold up! I am NOT giving up my bunk again. I just got all my stuff moved down to engineering, and I am NOT moving. I've been holding back, but I will turn this ship upside down if I have to move again! You'll have to kill me first.

JANE: You've been holding back have you? Alrighty then. Since you're so insistent, I won't make you move anywhere else. Tali can simply move in down there with you. There's plenty of space. You'll be roommates!

JOHN: You wouldn't.

JANE: I warned you there would be consequences for defying me.

JOHN: Please… please no. I'll do anything. I'll throw Kelly out an airlock!

JANE: Not going to happen. Have fun in engineering you two!

_(JANE leaves, followed by a whining JOHN. TALI starts to go but it interrupted by JACOB)_

JACOB: _(Sing-song)_ Oh, Ms. Nar'Rayya? Don't forget to introduce yourself to the Ship's AI! EDI, this is our new engineer!

_(TALI hacks his electronic belt buckle and JACOB's pants fall down)_


	12. Chapter 13: The Moron Who Would Be King

**Mock Effect 2**

**Chapter 13: The Moron Who Would Be King**

**INT: NORMANDY: COMMAND DECK: CHAIRLESS MEETING ROOM**

_(All of the characters we've met so far [JANE & JOHN SHEPARD, MIRANDA, MORDIN, JACOB, GARRUS, ZAEED, TALI, THANE, SAMARA, GRUNT, KASUMI, JACK, & KELLY] are gathered around the table to discuss their next course of action. Several groups have split off before the meeting starts. MIRANDA & MORDIN look uncomfortable while KELLY tries to cheer them up)_

KELLY: Isn't Cerberus, like, awesome? All of these… you know... smart people in one place! We should totally take a group photo!

MORDIN: Amateur photography would not be appropriate to the goals of the mission. Collectors will not stop to admire winning smiles.

MIRANDA: I hope this meeting is over with soon, I need to file my reports. And I could swear somebody pinched me!

MORDIN: Pinching. Chauvinistic expression of admiration or desire. Unsurprising, given tight fitting clothing. Suggest purchase of gear suitable to suicide mission.

MIRANDA: I ran out of Bioware points.

MORDIN: Regrettable. Might be useful in future.

_(THANE, SAMARA & KASUMI are discussing technique)_

THANE: Personally I prefer the moody stare over the lotus position, but each person has their system.

SAMARA: You don't like to look out at the stars?

KASUMI: The view is beautiful. Incidentally, I think these buttons are yours, Samara.

SAMARA: You know what I do to wrong-doers, Kasumi. You can't steal things from other people. It's against the code.

KASUMI: Which you enforce with lethal measures. I know. Why do you think I'm returning them?

_(TALI has blocked off JACK's escape route and is investigating a problem)_

TALI: Jack, you wouldn't happen to know anything about how my cot somehow ended up getting thrown into the mass accelerator, would you?

JACK: F*** off.

TALI: Don't make me tell you about my 6th birthday party again, Jack. I know you heard part of it when I told John & Scotty the story, but did you hear the part where I had to eat cake through an envirosuit?

JACK: _(Hurriedly)_ It was Shepard. He said he'd tell you to come downstairs and room with me if I didn't.

TALI: Hmm. I thought he liked that story.

_(JOHN, JACOB, GARRUS, ZAEED & GRUNT are at the far end of the room, discussing their exploits)_

JOHN: So anyway, I took him by his collar shoved him up against the window. And he says "I got nuthin to say to you" and I say to him "How about goodbye?" and shoved him out for a little flying lesson.

GARRUS: Are you kidding? How does that even begin to compare with my taking down a helicopter with a sniper rifle while under assault from enemy infantry?

ZAEED: You think that was tough, try interrogating a goddam Krogan! The only way to do it is stick a knife in the right way and pull the plate right off their goddam head. And let me tell you, they don't like that.

GRUNT: Have I introduced you to my M-300 heavy claymore shotgun? I call her "Wydonya"

JACOB: Wydonya?

GRUNT: Whydonya Try it, you one eyed crazy son of a b—

JANE: ATTENTION EVERYBODY! This meeting of crazy mercenaries anonymous will now come to order!

_(The conversations settle down and JANE gets out KELLY's list of "urgent" errands)_

JANE: Alright, now. I have all of your requests down here. Wait, who put groceries on here?

KELLY: Gardner said it was, like, important, Ma'am.

JANE: It's not. You'll eat ramen noodles and like it. It's supposed to be a delicacy, remember?

_(The crew groans)_

KASUMI: Are you sure something couldn't happen to Gardner? I mean, you have 11 of the most dangerous people in the Galaxy here. Surely one of them knows how to cook!

SAMARA: What are you suggesting? Murder? The code does not allow for that, despite the crimes the man has committed against my stomach.

JOHN: I can cook! He can do the plumbing again!

EVERYBODY: NO!

JOHN: Damnit.

JANE: OK. To repeat myself, I have here your list of requests. We will do them in order, no butting in line. I don't care if its revenge, justice, or turning off the stove, I'm not in the mood to deal with a dozen crazy people with urgent missions all at the same time. Jacob, you're up first.

MIRANDA: I had my request filed first!

JANE: I'm sorry; Jacob's is the first on Kelly's list. Maybe you should given me a more reliable psychologist/assistant when you brought me back from the dead.

MIRANDA: TIM said she was vital. Or that is was vital to get rid of her. The message was scrambled.

KELLY: And I'm SOOOOOOOoooo glad to be here!

_(More Groaning)_

JANE: Alright, Jacob, what is it that you need?

JACOB: I was pinged by a ghost the other night.

JANE: Oh great, now the ship is haunted. What's next, Hamlet?

JACOB: I was trying to be dramatic. What I mean is I got an e-mail from my dad.

JANE: So?

JACOB: So, it was a notification that the ship he was on had activated its distress beacon.

JANE: So? He's not been picked up by the Alliance already?

JACOB: No… You see, he's been missing for ten years.

JANE: Missing for ten years, and you just now get the notification? Wow, Cerberus is behind in everything.

JACOB: No… I mean that it's just now been activated. I guess it must have taken that long to fix or something.

JANE: Well this doesn't sound too hard. Fly to planet, pick up Robinson Crusoe, watch tearful reunion. We'll head out shortly. Any other business? No? Then off we go.

_(Through the magic of space travel, they arrive in the Alpha Draconis system. EDI alerts JANE that she has detected an anomaly on 2175 Aeia. Eager to exit engineering, JACK & JOHN join JACOB & JANE on this jovial jaunt on a jungle jupiter. The crash site is deserted, with merely ominous audio snippets left behind.)_

**EXT: 2175 AEIA: CRASH SITE: DAY**

JOHN: What the hell is a Gernsback?

JACK: Damned if I know. Damned if I care.

JANE: I wonder why these audio files all play snippets from the middle. More importantly, where are the players getting power from? This ship crashed ten years ago.

VOICE: Yoo-Hoo! Over here!

JACOB: What's that?

JANE: It appears to be a VI… In Bermuda Shorts.

VI: Hellllooo! Come over here!

JOHN: Why would it need sunglasses?

VI: Excuuuse me, these are ray bans, and when you've had nothing to do for over eight years, then you can design an up to date wardrobe.

JACOB: Where's my father?

VI: That depends on just who you are. My name is Reggie. I've been stuck here in one place for 8 years, 237 days, 7 hours, 22 minutes and 16 seconds. 17. 18. 19. 20. Like I said, reaallllly boring. You would not beeeelieve how many sheep I have counted jumping over the fence.

JANE: Do VI's dream of electric sheep?

REGGIE: No… that would be silly. No, I've been watching local sheep jump over that fence over there for 8 years, 237 days, 7 hours, 23 minutes and …

JACK: We get the F*****g idea.

REGGIE: _(Whispers)_ She's not in a very good mood. But that's ok. I'm just happy to talk to someone intelligent for a change.

JACOB: Wait, my father didn't talk to you? You'd think a reminder of home would be useful.

REGGIE: Aggggainnn, I can't tell you anything about the guy without knowing who he is. And that might be more difficult than you think. You see the food here is toxic. Turns you stupid. Dumber than a box of rocks. Well, except for crucial plot points. 8 years of brain poisoning hasn't affected those.

JOHN: I don't see any sheep.

JANE: Well, at least we know one of us is immune.

JACOB: My father is Ronald Taylor, the first officer on the Gernsback.

REGGIE: Welllll congratulations! I'd shake your hand if I wasn't a virtual person! Your father made captain upon arrival on this beautiful planet. Of course, that was due to the previous fellow flying through the windshield of a spaceship. Let me tell you, that was a dooooozy of a crash. I mean, there were parts flying everywhere, and that one guy got sucked up into an active engine…

JANE: So where are the survivors?

REGGIE: I WISH I knew. I have not had decent maintenance since we got here. It's like no one thought I might like some company, sitting here for 8 years, 237 days, 7 hours, 27 minutes… I mean really, is it too much to ask for a little attention now and then? I mean, even the smoke monster gets more attention than I do.

JOHN: Smoke Monster?

REGGIE: Wait… I wasn't supposed to mention that. Forget I said anything. I'm just so happy to have people to talk to. But don't get caught drinking and driving. He doesn't like that. All I'm going to say.

JANE: Why has it taken so long for the emergency signal to trigger?

REGGIE: If I kneeeeeww, would I still be here? NOooooo. I would be off on the nearest ice planet working on getting rid of my tan. Let me see if I can find out. Hmm. It doesn't say. Guess it's a mystery then, huh?

JANE: Guess so. Thanks for your help.

REGGIE: Annnnytime! I'll be right here if you need me.

_(They walk around the bend, and are approached by a woman in rags)_

RAG LADY: You're here! He said you'd be here! I'm so happy!

JACK: Huh?

JANE: Is she talking about Reggie?

RAG LADY: So, so Happy! Happy Happy Happy Happy.

_(She dances around JOHN, who pushes her away from him right as a bullet parts the air where she was)_

JACOB: We're under attack!

JANE: Thank you, captain obvious!

_(With two biotics and two experienced marksmen on hand, the minor attack ends almost before it begins, with a few heavily bearded guys running for their lives.)_

RAG LADY: Yay! You saved me! Happy Happy Happy Happy! _(resumes bouncing around JOHN, much to his annoyance)_

JACK: Can I shoot her?

JANE: No. Maybe she'll quiet down in a few minutes.

_(The path slopes upward, and the RAG LADY stops cheering and points to the bodies)_

RAG LADY: Hunters. They mean.

JANE: Hunters. Wonderful. Whatever happened to Robinson Crusoe?

JACOB: I have got to find out what is going on here!

_(They eventually arrive at what appears to be a makeshift camp. At the center is a strange object, almost a human idol, but clearly of primitive design)_

JANE: Uh-Oh.

JACK: Where are all the Men? This is bad.

_(The RAG LADY has been joined by several others, who are all trying to give JOHN a massage at the same time)_

JOHN: I don't know, I'm seeing some perks. Jake buddy, come over here. I can't handle all of them at once!

JACOB: This looks like an idol of some sort. Have any of you ladies seen my father?

_(JACOB turns around from investigating the human shaped thing. The RAG LADIES all run away screaming)_

JANE: I'm gonna take that as a yes.

JOHN: Awww man. I was getting somewhere with #3.

JACK: You're numbering them?

JOHN: Well I have to call them something. I think #7 is totally into me though. I wonder…

JACOB: Why would they run from my face?

JOHN: Why does toast always fall butter side down? Why is there never a parking space when you need one? Why do I keep getting slapped all the time? Some questions just have no answers, buddy.

_(They wander through the camp, JOHN collecting the few things of value left in the area until he is interrupted by another bullet flying over his head)_

JOHN: What in the name of Martin Sheen? STOP SHOOTING AT ME!

_(JOHN angrily blasts the mechanical shooters into smithereens, and is surrounded by the grateful women of the camp. Much to his disappointment, JANE drags him out of the crowd)_

JOHN: You are so not invited when I become king of this planet.

JANE: Yeah, right, the moron who would be king…

JACOB: Hey look at this!

JANE: What?

JACOB: Reggie was right about the plot points! One of these women gave me an electronic diary tablet! It's in great condition for not being charged for 8 years and explains most of the plot of this mission!

JACK: F****** Finally. I want to get back to the ship to finish my morning brooding.

JANE: I'm guessing it has something to do with the insane bimbos running around here.

JACOB: Lessee… it's a secret diary… it seems the crew was forced to eat the local food around here that the weird VI was talking about. Those who wouldn't cooperate were killed.

JOHN: This is getting good. What happened next?

JACOB: The neural decay made the women docile and the men hostile. The men were forced to leave the area, and the women were assigned to the officers. Oh my. There's a whole list here.

JOHN: I knew I was going to like this place.

JACK: One more word of support for this S*** and I swear to Gaider I will biotically shove a grenade up your ass and pull the pin. I don't care who you work for.

JOHN: _(beat) _THIS IS DESPICABLE! How could he treat women so cruelly! It's disgusting! It makes me sick! I demand answers!

JANE: Jack, you may be worth keeping around after all. Can you make him do his own laundry?

JACK: Don't push it.

JANE: Right. Sorry I asked. What happened next, Jacob?

JACOB: Nothing. They stopped using this thing. I'm sure Dad can explain all of this.

JANE: I don't know, this is looking less and less like Robinson Crusoe and more and more like Apocalypse Now.

JOHN: I love the smell of napalm in the morning!

_(As they continue up the hill, they hit a blockade of robotic antagonists. They eliminate them while JOHN hums "Ride of the Valkyries")_

JANE: Stop that. We don't need musical exposition.

JOHN: Fine. I'll sing a song instead: "Kill da wabbit, Kill da wabbit, Kill da wabbit till he's dead"

JACK: A-Hem.

JOHN: I'll be quiet now.

_(As they go around another bend, they are attacked by robots and a voice comes over the radio)_

RADIO: Well am I glad to see you people! I've been stuck up here for years! I need to be rescued!

JANE: You know, it would be a whole lot easier to rescue you if your robots weren't shooting at us every time we turned around

RADIO: Oh heheh sorry about that. They're automated. Can't turn them off. You get jumpy living on an alien planet for years. But did I mention I'm thrilled you're here?

_(JANE turns off her radio and almost walks smack into a huge YMIR robot. It responds as evil robots usually do, with firepower. Everyone ducks behind handy invulnerable crates)_

JOHN: Those things are everywhere!

JANE: You'd think at some point someone would say, I should stop selling these huge nasty robots to broke mercenaries. I mean, a mining colony AND a merchant vessel? Who handles this stuff?

JACOB: Oh, I used to throw those into my real estate deals. What better way to sweeten the pot than by giving their own guard robot?

JANE: WITH MISSILES?

_(JACK takes this opportunity to demonstrate exactly what a missile can do when shoved in the behind of an antagonist and detonated. The "Big Daddy" explodes, pieces flying everywhere. JOHN's eyes bug out.)_

JOHN: I'll be good. I promise.

JACOB: He deliberately let these men die to protect him! Who is this man?

JANE: Stop saying that! He's your father, who seems to have turned into a colossal jerk in the ten years since you've seen him. The rest of us figured that out back when we got shot at the first time. And let me tell you, when John figures something out ahead of you, you know you're behind.

JOHN: Hey look! One of these guys left credits lying around!

_(Walking through a small entryway, they enter a mansion of sorts, with lots of homemade comforts and a beautiful view. In the center stands an older man, whacking a golf ball out into the valley with a 5 iron.)_

ACTING CAPTAIN TAYLOR: Oh good, you got through all right! I'm Acting Captain Ronald Taylor of the Hugo Gernsback. I so appreciate your stopping by to pick me up. _(Motions to packed bags, looks towards gate nervously)_ I've been trapped here for so long; I'm ready to get off this planet!

JACOB: What about your crew? You don't want to take them with us? And where did you get golf balls?

AC TAYLOR: Why should I? They're having fun. Say, did you guys happen to run into some nasty fellows, called themselves hunters? You shouldn't listen to them. I bought this equipment fair and square, and those ladies all wanted to hang with me!

JACOB: You call that an explanation?

AC TAYLOR: Ummm… yes? Why don't we ask your captain? She seems like the nice, polite, 'let's avoid conflict' sort. Right?

JANE: When I'm not shooting up nightclubs, visiting prisons, and nuking cloning facilities. Commander Jane Shepard of the Normandy. My brother John Shepard. Don't worry, that blank look is standard. "Jack" my nearly insane super-biotic, and this guy. Sorta dorky, a bit weak minded when it comes to terrorist agendas, surely you know him?

AC TAYLOR: My name's not Shirley, but I am in debt to him for coming to my rescue.

JACOB: Any time, Dad.

AC TAYLOR: Now that we're all introduced, let's get the hell off this … Did you say Dad?

JACOB: Yep. Now are you ready to do some explaining?

JACK: Talk fast or I'll knock YOU into out over that valley.

JANE: She'll do it too. She may not be great on tact, but her follow-through is amazing.

AC TAYLOR: Sooo you aren't going to take me with you until I explain?

JANE: Nope.

AC TAYLOR: Riiight. Explain … ummm … Fine… It was new year's eve. We were all a bit loaded. You know… and things happened. The girls stuck with me, the other guys didn't. Can't say as I missed them. Have I mentioned how glad I am to see you?

_(JACK biotically whacks AC TAYLOR's 5 iron into the valley, dead center.)_

AC TAYLOR: Er… well, the captain died and I got to be in charge. I'd always wanted to be in charge, but it was more work than I thought. All the hardships of command, you understand. We started working on the beacon, but it took some time. So the other officers and I decided to save the good food for the important people.

JANE: Namely yourselves.

AC TAYLOR: Naturally. The crew didn't understand so we may have used a tiny infinitesimal bit of force, but we didn't like it. Not one bit. Well one thing led to another, and all the men left and we were left with just women to take care of.

JANE: All of whom just happened to be reasonably healthy and of mating age?

AC TAYLOR: Hey, that one's not my fault, talk to the writers. They wrote themselves into a paradox there. Not that I was going to complain.

JACOB: How did your fellow officers die?

AC TAYLOR: I don't recall.

_(JACK biotically whacks the remainder of AC TAYLOR's golf bag into the valley. Everyone watches for a few moments until finally it makes a Wile E. Coyote type puff of dust in the distant valley)_

AC TAYLOR: I remember now.

JANE: Good. I knew it would come back to you.

AC TAYLOR: It's all a blur. I remember one of the guys growing a conscience… And then all of them were dead. Yep. I think they were all very surprised. Though not in a good way. I can't imagine what must have happened. My mechs must have got emotional chipsets or something.

JACOB: Sure… Just like a cargo ship just happens to have a heavy mech with functioning rockets… So you just stayed here, playing sultan? Why signal for help? Finally find a problem you couldn't handle?

AC TAYLOR: Oh that. That I know. The males came back. And somehow through the neural decay they learned not only what was going on, but how to maintain aging weapons and attack me with them.

JANE: Plot points are immune to the decay.

AC TAYLOR: Ooohhhh so that's it. I had chalked it up to living on this weird planet. I remotely activated the signal. Now that I think about it, I should have remembered to bury the evidence a little bit more carefully, or to have checked at least once during my 10 year stay to make sure no one made a record of the events. I was hoping to get a nice sympathetic alliance crew, but instead I get a suicide squad led by a zombie, including my only son. What are the odds?

JOHN: You got screwed, dude.

AC TAYLOR: Damn those writers!

_(JANE pulls JACOB aside)_

JANE: What do you want to do about this?

JACOB: Hmm. I don't know. I suppose I could say it's a fixer-upper planet. Nice views. Fertile soil. Tiny issues with the native flora & fauna. All in all, quite good value.

JANE: I mean about your father!

JACOB: Oh that. Hmm. He did some nasty stuff. But he's my father. I can't kill him. Maybe he'll take the honorable path out and commit suicide? Hey, John, loan my dad your pistol!

JOHN: My pistol? Why?

JACOB: The writers didn't leave him a nice way out of this, so I thought we'd let him face death on his own terms.

JOHN: But…

JANE: Just do it, Johnny!

_(JOHN reluctantly gives AC TAYLOR his gun)_

AC TAYLOR: But this is at half charge! It won't stop them!

JACOB: It's not for them, Dad.

_(As they dramatically walk away, leaving Jacob's father to his fate, JOHN whispers in JANE's Ear)_

JOHN: Are you going to tell him that gun always says it's at half charge, even when it's empty?

JANE: Nope.

JOHN: Oh… that's cold. _(wipes tear) _I'm so proud of you!

_(Returning to the ship, JANE takes a walk around the ship to avoid KELLY. She takes a wrong turn, and finds JACOB making a private call to TIM in the chairless meeting room)_

**INT: NORMANDY: CHAIRLESS MEETING ROOM: EARLY MORNING**

TIM: _(rubbing his eyes)_ Honestly Jacob, it's 2 in the morning. I have to sleep sometime, and this giant sun outside does not make that easy. While I'm thrilled that you and your father reunited, I would like to get back to sleep.

JANE: You mean you honestly didn't know about this? You, who knows all and sees all?

TIM: I had other priorities.

_(A blue foot appears in the camera, tugging on TIM's smoking jacket)_

SULTRY VOICE: Come back to bed, Lucy!

JANE & JACOB: Oh.

TIM: So, like I said, didn't know, didn't care, please hang up and go away!

JACOB: But who sent me the message?

_(MIRANDA swaggers into the camera)_

MIRANDA: I did. I owed you one.

JANE: You owed him the traumatic experience of finding his insane father, and then leaving him to die?

MIRANDA: Well, when you put it like that. I just thought he wanted to find the old blighter, never considered where the writers might put him… Darn.

TIM: Is that it? Anyone else want to interrupt my evening? No? Nobody? Fine. I'm hanging up now, and if you call again, it had better be because you've been swallowed by an asteroid sized alien, or that Collectors have taken over the ship, something equally urgent, or else!

_(TIM Hangs up. MIRANDA pats JACOB on the back and then leaves. JACOB finally comes to reality)_

JACOB: I knew she remembered!

JANE: Are you ok? This is a tough situation, with your father and all.

JACOB: I knew she remembered we used to be an item! Sweet! I have to go find John for a high five.

JANE: Men…


	13. Chapter 14: Daddy Issues

**Mock Effect 2**

**Chapter 14: Daddy Issues**

**INT: NORMANDY: CREW DECK: MORNING**

_(JANE SHEPARD, having woken up refreshed, has gone down to the crew deck to have something to eat. All the tables are full save one, where JACOB sits alone. Jane soon discovers why. He does not seem to have washed, shaved, or consumed anything but alcohol for the last several days)_

JANE: Jacob, um, nice beard.

JACOB: _(Slurring) _What's the point Shepard? What's the point? We're all gonna die. All the advertising says we're on a suicide mission.

JANE: Some of us sooner than others, if you keep that up. Jack & Zaeed aren't afraid to remove the weakest link, and Grunt's not too tightly wound either.

JACOB: _(Drunkenly pointing at her)_ I'm glad you're here Shepard. You make me feel happy. But I only want a casual thing, no serious relationships.

JANE: Not in a million you seen John?

JACOB: He's crawling around in the ventil… The venti… The air thingies.

JANE: What?

JACOB: _(swaying back & forth to some forgotten tune) _It's so you won't find him and make him explain the mess in the kitchen. Sounds stupid to me. And I'm completely wasted.

JANE: Hmm. Well the longer he's up there, the longer he's out of my hair. If he sticks his head out, tell him I'm still looking for him.

JACOB: _(Give her a thumbs up) _Will Do. _(Passes out)_

_(JANE then pulls out KELLY's list of personal missions needing completion. MIRANDA's is next, and JANE walks across the hall to her office to get more information. MIRANDA looks up from her computer)_

MIRANDA: Shepard.

JANE: Wrex. Er… I mean Miranda. We're about ready to start with your loyalty mission, what is it I can help you with? You have here "Illium – Bar"

MIRANDA: You know how I told you about my evil twisted father that grew me in a test tube?

JANE: Yep, right before the mission to pick up Jack. Strangely enough, contact with Jack has made you seem fairly normal.

MIRANDA: Well, I may have left out a few prescient details…

_(A sound of creaking metal above them cuts MIRANDA off)_

JANE: That's just John trying to hide. He should go on a diet if he expects to be quieter, but I'm just surprised he's lasted this long, what with his fascination for cheeseburgers and bacon. Go on, Miranda.

MIRANDA: You see, I'm not the only one on the run. I have a twin sister. And he's found her. Or at least his agents have. Though nothing explains why they've politely decided to wait until we get back to Illium to do anything about it.

JANE: And you want us to go to Illium and help her escape?

MIRANDA: Yes. Preferably sooner rather than later.

JANE: Well it certainly sounds more interesting than planet scanning for iridium, so I'll tell Joker to head there shortly.

_(As JANE exits the office, a loud crash denotes JOHN's exit from the ventilation shafts.)_

JOHN: Did she say 'Twin Sister'? I am so in!

_(Thanks to repeat animations and JOKER breaking the intergalactic speed limit they quickly arrive at the Illium trading floor dock. Disembarking with SAMARA & MIRANDA, JANE & JOHN are directed to the Eternity Bar. As they enter they are approached by an older Asari with a Quarian in tow.)_

**INT: ILLIUM: ETERNITY BAR: MORNING**

ASARI: Commander, I was wondering if you could help me…

JOHN: You deal with this, I'm going over there to the Bachelor Party.

JANE: Make this quick, please. We need to finish this mission and get back to saving the known universe.

ASARI: Well you see this Quarian here needs to be purchased by that Artificial Intelligence dealer over there, and she's grown a conscience and won't buy her.

JANE: You're selling her as a slave?

ASARI: We prefer the term "indentured servant." It's easier for the pundits to swallow.

JANE: Hmm… I don't know. Let me ask my friend the Justicar…

ASARI: _(Eyes widen) _Just…justicar? Wha…? How? _(Recovers) _Hah, gotcha, random space marine. Sandy here is free and clear, we were just messing with you.

QUARIAN: My name is Cindy, and that's not what you said when I signed the enslavement paperwork…

ASARI: Sandy you are a hoot, you never know when to let a joke go. Go on, get out of here.

_(CINDY the QUARIAN walks away confused while the ASARI "Indenturement Procurer" disappears as fast as possible.)_

JANE: Samara, I'm beginning to like having you around.

SAMARA: It's nice to be above the law, isn't it dear?

JOHN: You guys, you will never believe the dirty joke that bartender just told me. What do you get when you put a Quarian and an Elcor together?

JANE: John! Wake up! You're having a Tourette's fit!

JOHN: No I'm n… _(JANE slaps him)_ Ohhhh. Wow, I'm back, what did I say? Was I complimenting how tight Samara's costume was again? Because it is really…

JANE: _(Slaps JOHN again)_ Back to reality. Now where is your contact Miranda?

MIRANDA: Over there in the lounge.

_(They walk over and introduce themselves. The contact recognizes MIRANDA)_

CONTACT: Glad you made it, Ms. Lawson. The Mercenaries were getting extremely bored waiting to die ignominious deaths.

MIRANDA: I'm sorry to have kept them waiting, but I'm here now, and can jump right into moving my sister.

CONTACT: Don't worry about it, your friend Niket is already here arranging the details. He said you said it was OK to show him everything.

MIRANDA: Oh good. I've been wondering what he's been up to.

JANE: Did you invite him in on this mission?

MIRANDA: No. But I'm sure he learned about through a perfectly innocent manner.

JANE: Riiiiight.

MIRANDA: So what does he need us to do?

CONTACT: He asked that you serve as a distraction on the opposite end of the terminal.

JANE: What does he want her to walk by the guard position a few times, because I don't see how all of us are needed for that…

CONTACT: A bit more complicated than that. He wants you to get shot down and keep the mercenaries on that side of the exit.

JANE: Why can't it ever be simple? "Boss, I just need to finish my laundry" or "Shepard, the only thing I need to settle is the impossible choice: Kirk or Picard" Noooo… It's get shot at, day in and day out.

MIRANDA: Thank you for this, Shepard. I'll owe you.

JOHN: You're freakin right, you'll owe us.

MIRANDA: Trust me, my other outfit is worth it… _(JOHN perks up considerably)_

_(After fifteen minutes of flying around, the mercenaries finally notice them and shoot them down. Upon exiting the vehicle, they are greeted by a chatty and somewhat overconfident team leader & his aide)_

**EXT: ILLIUM: FLOOR BELOW BAGGAGE DEPOT: LUNCHTIME**

LEADER: You have one chance to walk away.

MIRANDA: We're not leaving without my sister!

LEADER: You mean the baby you kidnapped? How could you? A little baby!

JANE: Seriously, since when have the Blue Suns had any scruples?

LEADER: Since the script called for us to be overdramatic and expositional. Am I doing it right?

JANE: Spot on. Continue.

MIRANDA: I had to rescue her! Father was going to … going to … make her take ballet!

LEADER: What? What kind of a father does that? How horrifying…

LEADER'S AIDE: Dude, you're breaking character. Get back in gear!

LEADER: Oh. Right. So this is it. Your one chance to survive this. Get out while you still can. You, your best-armory-money-can-buy and super-biotic have no chance against my half trained but highly motivated team of snipers. HOOAH BOYS! _(Waits for response, there is none_) Guys? _(Turns around, and only sees his aide, slowly inching towards the back of the room)_ Oh damn.

JOHN: Ditto. 5… 4… 3…

_(The LEADER takes his cue and runs for his life.)_

SAMARA: I must admit I'm deeply disturbed by this revelation, dear. Whatever possessed you to kidnap a child?

MIRANDA: She's my twin. My father made her after me, to replace me. She's much younger than I am.

JOHN: I had such dreams. A twin sister… Now she's underage. Why does this always happen?

MIRANDA: I didn't want to let anyone know. She's just turned 19, and I didn't want to shatter her life with this news.

_(JOHN starts fist pumping in mock joy & relief)_

JANE: You, get a grip on yourself, or I'll send you back to the Normandy.

JOHN: Yes Ma'am. I'll be good.

SAMARA: Go on, Miranda.

MIRANDA: My father… he wasn't a good dad. He missed every single one of my softball games! And one year, he said he'd buy me a pony, and he did, but it was real, and I had to clean up after it and _(dissolves into sobbing)_

SAMARA: There there dear, pull yourself together.

MIRANDA: So you see, I just couldn't leave her there with that … monster! You see, don't you Shepard?

JANE: I think I need to go kill something to get the last few minutes out of my memory.

_(They take an elevator for an uncomfortably long ride to the next floor, where mercs uninformed of their compatriots' discretion are lying in wait for the team. JANE & MIRANDA are able to unload their stress upon these poor souls in what became known to all future Blue Suns as "The Baggage Terminal Slaughter." [It is said that Southwest Spacelines went out of business due to the lawsuits from customers who found bullet holes and blood in their luggage.] Just before the team makes it to next elevator, a still active radio blips out a message)_

RADIO: Is Niket ready to make the switch?

RADIO: Ham With Swiss, please. No mustard.

RADIO: I SAID, Is Niket ready to switch the family over to us?

RADIO: Oh. I thought you said he was going to pick up lunch. Damnit I'm hungry. I'll bet those guys on the other floors have got their lunch already.

RADIO: I don't want to hear about your stomach, is Niket ready to make the switch?

RADIO: I don't know, I'll ask him. Yeah, he says he's ready. But that if we do it now, we won't have time for lunch.

RADIO: Never mind your frakking lunch! Tell him to get going!

_(While they wait for the elevator, MIRANDA starts crying again.)_

JANE: Oh dear Lord.

MIRANDA: What if… what if… I know, it's a big joke, and it's really a surprise party like my 12th birthday! Of course, I still don't know why the exploding piñata was necessary, but this would be just like Daddy.

SAMARA: There there dear.

JOHN: What is that wet stuff coming from her eyes? She's leaking. Leaking is bad. _(Shrinks against the wall of the car.)_

MIRANDA: NIket wouldn't really betray me. He was my friend, and would never dream of selling me out to my evil despicable patriarch! He knows what that man put me through! Oh, the memories!

JANE: Thank goodness. We're here.

_(As the door opens, a young asari is taking lunch orders from an older one with a massive shotgun and a human male, whom MIRANDA addresses as NIKET. Everyone raises their guns for a true Mexican standoff)_

JOHN & OLDER ASARI: _(Speaking at the same time) _Heheheh. This should be fun. Hey, stop stealing my lines! You're so dead. _(Glowering at each other)_

YOUNG ASARI: I'm just going to put this order on hold… _(mutters to self) _Damnit, another stiff. Nobody ever tips the waitress after the gun battle.

OLDER ASARI: You're not going anywhere. _(Shoots waitress in back, where the blast is absorbed by the standard kinetic shields)_

YOUNG ASARI: That does it! I quit! You people can go to McEarth's for all I care. Shot in the back twice in one week. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THESE BRUISES HURT? _(stomps off)_

_(As they watch her go, MIRANDA brings them back to the matter at hand)_

MIRANDA: Why? Why Niket? You sold me out!

NIKET: Yeah… really regretting that now. This is all a misunderstanding, Miri.

MIRANDA: It looks like you're selling out my little sister to a bunch of bloodthirsty thugs who will in turn deliver her to my heartless horrifying forebear. Don't you remember the violin practice, Niket?

NIKET: _(Winces)_ I remember. But in my defense, I'm very broke, and you did kidnap her first!

MIRANDA: To protect her!

NIKET: Well, I wasn't going to hurt her! I was just going to divert their flight so she could get to him as easy as pie, no trauma to anyone.

JANE: Telling a 19 year old girl that her whole life has been a lie, and that she's really the daughter of a billionaire who engineered her from his own DNA, and that she was kidnapped by her older yet twin sister as a baby. Yep, no trauma involved there at all.

NIKET: Better that than left in poverty with only a terrorist sister to watch over her! I've been poor, Miri! It wasn't fun.

OLDER ASARI: Speaking of that… Captain Enyala, nice to meet you, can you please get the shooting started so I can stop being poor?

SAMARA: In time, dear, in time. What did you say you do for a living?

ENYALA: I'm a mercenary. I kill people, pick up slaves, whatever makes a profit. And what do you do aside from walk the runway with next to nothing on?

SAMARA: Oh, not much. I fly around on their space ship. I meditate. Oh, and I'm a Justicar.

ENYALA: _(Alarmed)_ Niket, maybe we better make a deal… something that involves us leaving alive, now.

NIKET: Nonsense. I have a conscience now, and I'm using it to betray an old friend!

_(ENYALA shoots NIKET with her super shotgun. His shields do not absorb the blast.)_

ENYALA: There… problem solved. See you guys!

MIRANDA: WHY!

_(MIRANDA picks ENYALA up with a biotic pull and throws her across the room)_

ENYALA: _(A bit dizzy, but still conscious_) Look out, a reaper!

_(They all turn, but only see an exit sign. Meanwhile, ENYALA has disappeared down the stairwell. No one pursues her, probably because she still has the super shotgun)_

MIRANDA: Why? Why? Why?

JANE: I think he said why. Several times. Money.

JOHN: Good enough reason for me.

MIRANDA: How did I not see it coming?

JANE: With that much foreshadowing, I have the same question.

MIRANDA: If only I had killed him instead of that Asari bitch. No offense Samara.

SAMARA: None taken, dear.

MIRANDA: He was my last connection to my old life. The only thing I kept when I left daddy. Well that and a few credit cards. A girl has to eat.

JANE: How is it then that your father hasn't tracked you down yet?

MIRANDA: The Illusive Man protects me. He's so powerful my daddy can't cross him.

JANE: TIM? The same guy that wants to advance humanity at all costs? He 'volunteered' to take you in, the prime specimen of genetic engineering?

MIRANDA: I know, wasn't he generous? He's so noble. I'm sure he'll take good care of my sister when we move her to another safehouse.

_(JANE nods carefully, choosing to focus on the elevator instead. It opens, revealing the terminal. There are many people at the main counter shouting and pointing angrily at the list of flights delayed due to a "baggage mixup", but off to the left there is a small family with a 20 year old girl who looks familiar.)_

**INT: ILLIUM: SPACE FLIGHT TERMINAL: AFTERNOON**

JANE: You should go say hello.

MIRANDA: I don't know… I don't want to bother her

JOHN: I'll go say hello. Heheheh.

_(SAMARA freezes him in biotic stasis.)_

SAMARA: Poor boy must have been having another seizure. This will make it easier for him.

JANE: Thank you. Look, Miranda, it's not like they're going to be going anywhere soon, the least you could do is explain why. And perhaps talk to your clo.. I mean sister.

MIRANDA: You're right Shepard. I think I will.

_(MIRANDA walks across the terminal and introduces herself. Time passes. Several hours later, MIRANDA & her sister are chattering away about the latest hairstyle, and JANE, JOHN, & SAMARA are trying to doze in the uncomfortable chairs. JANE turns to JOHN, who is still sulking about being put in stasis)_

JANE: Next time I try to set up a family reunion, please just shoot me.


	14. Chapter 15: Trauma Queen

**Mock Effect 2**

**Chapter 15: Trauma Queen**

**INT: NORMANDY: MIRANDA'S OFFICE: DAY**

_(JANE & JOHN SHEPARD are checking in with MIRANDA LAWSON and pretending to enjoy a play by play of the conversation Miranda had with her sister.)_

MIRANDA: And she said she loves Nielsen's Fifth, just like I do...

JOHN: I would love a fifth…

JANE: Hush, we'll visit Dr. Bastillasmother next, she always has drinks laying about.

MIRANDA: And she even tells jokes. She has such a sense of humor. I'm not funny at all.

JOHN: If only you knew. Point is, you're officially loyal now? And you'll wear slinky outfit #2?

MIRANDA: Yes. Thank you both for your help. I know my evil sire will never dream to look for her where I've hidden her this time.

JANE: Let me guess … the Waldo planet.

MIRANDA: How did you know?

JANE: You got a package this morning. A red & white knit cap.

_(JANE'S explanation of how a package arrived on an illegal ship in the middle of deep space is lost in the noise coming from the dining hall/kitchen/crew quarters. Popping their head out the door, they encounter JACK in a full fledged fit. She has biotically lifted all the ramen out of her bowl and is using it to choke MESS SERGEANT GARDNER)_

JANE: Jack, what the hell is going on?

JACK: This BLEEP tried to BLEEPin poison me! Now he's going to pay!

JANE: Alright. Go ahead. …

JACK: Seriously? _(A wicked grin spreads across her face)_

JANE: … But if you do, I'll be forced to promote John to head chef. _(JACK's grin fades and she slowly drops Gardner and the ramen.)_

JACK: You would play dirty. _(Pout disappears and her normal look of insane savagery returns)_ I like you. Wanna hear about my tattoos?

JANE: Not really. I imagine the stories are not happy endings.

JACK: The next extra mission, what is it?

JANE: Mordin's next on the list, says he wants to check in on a colleague on Tuchanka.

JACK: BLEEP that. I want to go to my childhood home.

JANE: Want to remember some better times? Your character could do with some softening Jack.

JACK: Hell no. I want to blow the place where I was tortured and imprisoned for 10 years off the map.

_(MORDIN approaches, calculating the likelihood of it being pizza day, then resignedly approaches the ramen line.)_

JANE: Mordin, is it ok if Jack takes your place on the "urgent mission" list?

MORDIN: Unsure. Maelon in difficult position. Might not last long.

JANE: If you want to, you can come along. It's a secret Cerberus scientific facility….

MORDIN: Conversely, Maelon can take care of himself. Consider recruited.

JACK: That mean he's in?

JOHN: Did someone say something about blowing things up?

_(After a lengthy explanation about the ethics of eavesdropping, JANE directs JOKER to pilot the Normandy to the planet of Pragia, a lush rain forest teaming with life. So much so in fact, it takes them half an hour to get on the landing pad. They quickly enter the building to get out of the rain)_

**EXT: PRAGIA: TOO WET TO TELL**

JANE: John, you have the bomb, right?

JOHN: Right here in my backpack.

JANE: And it's only enough charge to level the facility, right?

JOHN: Yes, mom. _(Mutters) _Spoilsport.

JACK: This is where they brought the kids in. I only saw the place on my way out.

JANE: It's ok, Jack. You can handle this. We're here for you.

JOHN: _(Across the room)_ Hey look! A credits terminal! W00t 3000 more into daddy's account!

_(They proceed down some steps and find what looks like an arena of some sort. There are bleachers around it, forming a semicircle. JACK cringes)_

MORDIN: What caused unrest at this location?

_(JACK looks confusedly to JANE, who translates)_

JANE: 'What's wrong?' Or 'What happened here?' I only speak a smattering of scientist.

JACK: The only time I was allowed out of my cell was to come out here.

JOHN: Like recess? I like recess.

JACK: They pitted me against the other kids in death matches.

MORDIN: Barbaric. Used Pavlovian methods, yes?

JACK: It was horrible. If I won, narcotics flooded my system. If I lost… they made us watch Jersey Shore.

_(They all cringe. Shaking it off, they proceed into a hallway, where a video log machine is still running. In it, a soldier is making a report to a commander of some sort.)_

SOLDIER: So anyways I said to him, Hank, drugs are bad, and I wouldn't dream of taking them, no matter what nightmares I have working in this secret evil facility.

COMMANDER VOICE: _(Clearly bored)_ Very good, soldier, your vigilance is appreciated. Now if you could please resume your rounds, I'm sure we'd all appreciate it.

SOLDIER: Of course, sir. Because I have such faith in your wisdom and guidance sir. Our actions here could never come to bite us in the [static] Hey what's going on? Hank? Why are you running for the exit? Oh… hello chlldren. Commander ! Commander! Re open the channel!

STATION VI: We're sorry, but the Evil Base Subscriber you are calling is not available and has not set up an Evil Base voicemail account yet. Please hang up and try your call again.

_(The video ends with a chilling scream. Jack shuts it off)_

JACK: I remember that idiot. He was a Snooki fan. But I didn't get to kill him. So how did this video happen?

MORDIN: Periphery. Unrelated to imminent escape. Perhaps … more to the story than first supposed?

JANE: Perhaps. Let's keep moving.

_(They walk down a stairwell, and notice some freshly killed varren)_

JACK: Wait, who the BLEEP killed that Varren?

MORDIN: Unsure. Possibly Vorcha with flamethrowers walking towards us with ill intent? Never fear. Will handle.

_(MORDIN uses his omni tool in such a way as to send a spark across the room, igniting a vorcha's flamethrower tank. The resulting chain of explosions is quite impressive. MORDIN nods his head with satisfaction and opens the door for the rest of the team to walk on)_

JOHN: How did he do that?

MORDIN: Kinetic energy. Stored for future use. Fired from Omni-Tool in form of plasma round. Carefully aimed to ignite gelatinous mixture within inflammatory devices. Chain reaction expected. Enemy neutralized.

_(JOHN stares at MORDIN)_

JANE: Magic.

JOHN: Ohhhh… Cool!

MORDIN: Intellectually underappreciated. Sooo intellectually underappreciated.

_(JACK leads them down a hallway aligned with small cells. She stops in the middle and her lips start to tremble)_

JACK: I can't decide who I am anymore. Am I the scared little girl looking over what used to be her home? Or am I a destructive bitch, here to put to rest all memories of this hellhole?

JANE: Perhaps we could aim for a middle ground?

MORDIN: Mood swings. Clear sign of stress. Recommend not impeding progress, prospect of biotically smashed into jelly not appealing.

JOHN: Right. Staying out of crazy chick's way.

_(They find a lab at the end of the hall, wherein some fleeing scientists kindly took a moment from running for their lives to put their biotic research on the table for any future salvage teams. JANE pockets it surreptitiously, while JACK activates another long dormant video log.)_

DOCTOR: Doctor Oz's Log, Report Number 273, 468 Soooo… yeah, that didn't work. All of them died. So we won't be using that technique on Subject Zero. Because all this is really to perfect her, not to torture her. Right guys? _(Several other doctors pop their heads in and nod reassuringly at the recording device)_

JACK: That's not true!

DOCTOR OZ: Is too!

JACK: No it's not! I suffered!

DOCTOR OZ: Is too, and only a little.

JANE: How are you doing that? You're dead!

DOCTOR OZ: Saw it on a Doctor Who episode once. Confusing as hell to watch by itself, but it's all making sense now, isn't it? Uh-oh. Time for yoga class. Got to go!

JACK: What the hell? This changes everything.

JOHN: It doesn't matter. _(Annoyed that no one else seems to be ready to continue)_ You, bald angry lady, still tortured? Still an emotional basket case?

JACK: Yeah.

JOHN: And those doctors, still asswipes, right?

DOCTOR OZ: _(Wanders back into view screen with a script and a cup of coffee) _Hey!

JANE: _(Shutting off log)_ Yes, John, the doctors are still … bad people.

JOHN: So… no problem then. We just blow this place like we planned, and this "revelation" that you were the number one cadet at this monster school doesn't matter. It's still a monster school. And I really want to explode something today.

MORDIN: Surprisingly astute. Would you consider donating brain to science?

JANE: Trust me Mordin, you do not want to go in there.

JOHN: Would I have to take it out of my head?

MORDIN: See what you mean. Perhaps another time.

_(While they were clearing this up, JACK finds another log and turns it on. She suddenly starts giggling)_

JANE: What on earth? _(Hits replay)_

DOCTOR OZ: In retrospect, perhaps torturing the kids with Jersey Shore and fight nights wasn't such a good idea. They seem to have taken it personally. The whole place is going up. Speaking of which, I need to catch a shut… Why hello Jack. How are you this morning? You don't look happy. Let's turn that frown upside dow- _(Is thrown across the room)_

JACK: Ha. Instead I turned him upside down. John's right, let's blow this place.

_(Satisfied with themselves, they walk straight through the doors to the next foyer and are surprised to be greeted by a Krogan gang. One is on his earpiece)_

KROGAN: Yeah, boss, those intruders. They're finally here. Ok. We'll kill them. _(To Shepards and team)_ Time to die!

JOHN: Oh yeah? Charrrr …

_(John's insane yell is muted as a blue light emanates from his whole body and he is thrust forward at speed toward the lead krogan. He flies through furniture and an awning, hitting the krogan hard. Not wasting time, John takes out his shotgun and blasts him, then zooms towards the next attacker. He zips back and forth across the room, emptying it of enemies in under a minute. JANE, JACK, & MORDIN are all standing with their jaws dropped.)_

JOHN: … rrrrge! WOW! THAT was fricking awesome!

JANE: What in the hell? You aren't a biotic!

JOHN: I am now, baby! Woo hoo! Totally wicked!

MORDIN: Perhaps adjustments completed by Cerberus?

JACK: And they say I'm crazy.

_(JANE calms herself down by analyzing what needs to be done next. She leads the team to the opposing door and explains that JACK's room is on the other side. Before she can finish cautioning them, JOHN interrupts)_

JOHN: Whatever sis. I can run through shit now. CHARR _(*wham* JOHN hits the door at speed and knocks himself out quite effectively.)_

JACK: Any idiot knows you have to see the other guy first! Amateurs!

_(They drag JOHN's bulk out of the way, and then enter the room. They are greeted by a terrified looking man whose eyes get even wider when he sees JACK)_

JANE: Who are you, and what are you doing here?

NERVOUS MAN: Umm… Charlie. And umm… _(Mutters)_ trying to restart this hellhole so I can understand my childhood

JACK: WHAT? I came here to destroy the place, and you want to reopen?

CHARLIE: We'll have snack times I promise. And no Jersey Shore. But I have to understand what it was! That's why I hired Mercs and came here. We're rebuilding.

JANE: About those mercs?

CHARLIE: Yes?

MORDIN: Deceased. Rather inventive method of passing, in my opinion. Must investigate further.

JACK: And now you're all that's left of my hated childhood. _(Forces him to ground with hands behind head)_

JANE: Jack, don't! He's just as wounded as you are… Just with less tattoos.

CHARLIE: If it helps any, I have an angel on my butt from college.

JANE: See, he had it just as bad.

CHARLIE: Of course, that was after I was adopted by Daddy Warbucks.

JACK: Shut up!

CHARLIE: but it was before I married the daughter of Southwest Galactic's CEO

JANE: Shut up!

CHARLIE: So you see, my life really has sucked. Let me starve to death in peace.

JACK: Actually we really did come here to blow the place up. See the bomb?

CHARLIE: Seriously? _(Gets up and runs for his life)_

JANE: See, you aren't the only crazy person in the universe. _(She turns to JACK, but Jack is hugging the table and whispering to it.)_ But you pale others by comparison…

JACK: This table was my best friend. Though I did hang out with my blood spot over here quite a bit. It's where I killed my first guy, you know. Good memories. Are we ready to plant the bomb?

JOHN: _(Rubbing head)_ Did I miss anything?

_(Time flies as they plant the bomb, and it seems like only a second later, they're on the shuttle headed back towards the NORMANDY. For some inane reason, JACK is fiddling with the detonator. JOHN looks anxious.)_

JANE: Johnny… is there something I should know?

JOHN: _(Sweating) _No. Why?

JANE: Because I told you to set a nice small bomb, just enough to level the place. We're well away from there, but you look extremely nervous.

JOHN: Nope. Everything good. _(Looks out window, gauging distance)_

JANE: JOHN!

JOHN: Ok ok… so it's a bit bigger than you wanted. Remember Virmire? I wanted to see if I could do as good as job as Kirrahe and his bunch of idiots, so I kind of built a nuke.

JACK: _(Her thumb having just pressed the detonator)_ What?

_(Fortunately for JOHN, the explosion knocks the entire shuttle with enough force that they are thrown from their seats in different directions)_

**INT: NORMANDY: MEDICAL BAY: AFTERNOON**

DOCTORBASTILLASMOTHER: Hey, you awake?

JANE: Revan, no! Huh?

DOCTORBASTILLASMOTHER: I asked if you were awake. Not that I would do anything if you weren't. It just seemed appropriate to ask.

JANE: I am now. Where's John?

DOCTORBASTILLASMOTHER: Downstairs. He checked himself out hours ago… You'd think his head was made of titanium or something.

JANE: Thanks. I'll go find him. I'm sure you'll get the chance to sort him out soon.

_(She finds JOHN, ZAEED, GARRUS, GRUNT, & SCOTTY in Zaeed's room, munching popcorn in front of the security monitors.)_

JANE: What the hell is going on? You didn't plant cameras in the showers again, did you?

SCOTTY: Shh, the show's aboot to starrt.

JANE: What show?

GRUNT: Apparently Subject Zero is going to Operative Lawson's office to demand an explanation for her childhood sufferings. Zaeed is of the opinion that this "cannot goddam end well" and dragged all of us in here for what Commander Shepard 2.0 claims will be a sight well worth the viewing.

JANE: Commander Shepard 2.0? What the? Jack? Miranda? Oh crap!

_(JANE runs to the elevator and punches the crew deck floor. JOHN dives in before the doors close.)_

JOHN: This I gotta see!

JANE: Really? 2.0?

JOHN: _(Smug)_ Who has biotics and who doesn't?

_(JANE ignores the question and runs towards MIRANDA's Office. She opens the door to see a chair biotically flying at her face. She ducks. JOHN doesn't. She smirks at the sound of sudden crash and cursing on the other side of the dining hall, then approaches the two barely dressed women framed in blue biotic energy)_

JANE: Ladies! Really? What the hell is this? Are we answering to fanboys now? Why don't we have a wet T shirt contest next? Or a pillow fight? Have some dignity!

JACK: She won't admit what they did to me was wrong, Shepard!

MIRANDA: It wasn't us. And it succeeded, so there! Well _(Looks JACK up and down)_ to a point.

JANE: _(Rolls eyes)_ You guys realize you're on camera, right? The male half of the crew is down is Zaeed's quarters taking bets. You need to put this aside and focus on the main mission!

MIRANDA: You mean the impossible suicide mission to attack invincible unknown enemies?

JACK: Screw that! They turned me into a Psychotic Biotic. Hey that rhymes.

JANE: The collectors, you dunderheads! And consequently the reapers. But we won't get to them for a few more chapters.

JACK: So it's ok if you go off gallivanting around the galaxy instead of dealing with them, but not if we want to kill each other?

JANE: I have to complete the loyalty missions! I don't know why! It just seems really important!

_(The two women face her with arms crossed.)_

JANE: Fine. I'll quit planet scanning every time we hit a new system. But if we run out of iridium, don't come crying to me.

JACK: I'll be down by the engines. Practicing.

MIRANDA: Don't let the door hit you on the way out!

JANE: Stop it!

_(MIRANDA straightens up her office then asks JANE to take a seat on the couch.)_

JANE: I gather you want to talk? I'm not putting Jack in the airlock.

MIRANDA: Thank you for helping. I just wanted to talk to you and tell you how much I respect you now.

JANE: Now?

MIRANDA: Of course. When you first came aboard, I thought you were dead weight. A self righteous idiot. A mistake of incalculable proportions. Stupidity perso…

JANE: I get the idea. And what do you think of me now?

MIRANDA: Well, you still have that self righteous thing going, but aside from that, you're a pretty good boss. You've done a better job than I thought you would. Which has kind of put a blockade in my career plans.

JANE: Like you had any further to go with Timbo?

MIRANDA: You have a point. Anyways I just wanted to tell you that the Mutiny is off.

JANE: _(Shocked)_ I'm so glad to hear it. I thought the crew liked me!

MIRANDA: Yeah, that's why most of the crew said they were alright with putting it off for a while, even Mess Sergeant Gardner.

JANE: The cook? But I made his job easier!

MIRANDA: He likes to dabble in conspiracy when he's bored. Why'd you think The Illusive Man sent him here?

JANE: I knew it wasn't for his culinary skills.

MIRANDA: If only I was as skilled as you. My father spent billions making me perfect, and you come along and outclass me with no effort.

JANE: In fairness, I am the protagonist. The programmers are sort of required to make me a Mary Sue.

MIRANDA: Do you know how much I admire you, Shepard?

JANE: Not half as much as _(Camera Fizzles)_

_(Cursing is heard from the Engineering Deck)_


	15. Chapter 16: Title Too Long

**Mock Effect 2**

**Chapter 16: Nice Place, But You Wouldn't Want To Live Here!**

**Part 1: The Right Rite**

**INT:NORMANDY: CREW DECK: MIRANDA'S OFFICE: DAY**

_**Con'td from chapter 15:**_

MIRANDA: If only I was as skilled as you. My father spent billions making me perfect, and you come along and outclass me with no effort.

JANE: In fairness, I am the protagonist. The programmers are sort of required to make me a Mary Sue.

MIRANDA: Do you know how much I admire you, Shepard?

JANE: Not half as much as _(Camera Fizzles)_

_(YEOMAN KELLY CHAMBERS drops the remnants of the security camera which so recently had been the favorite of the viewers on the engineering deck)_

JANE: Finally! I thought you'd never pull the plug!

MIRANDA: Whew. We were going to have to a really awkward conversation, Shepard.

KELLY: I thought you two looked, like, totally sweet together!

JANE: Yes, we get it, you embrace all sexual preferences. Now go away. Wait. Before you disappear, ask Mordin & Grunt to come meet me in the chairless meeting room.

KELLY: Like, Aye Aye, Ma'am!

MIRANDA: Is she all there?

JANE: A few ink blots short of a Rorschach test, if you ask me. But your boss hired her specifically to be my sec… er …ship psychologist. Think about that the next time you praise your infallible leader.

_(Leaving MIRANDA to puzzle that out, JANE takes the elevator up to the Command Deck, waking up JOHN with a cup of water to the face on the way. They walk together to the Chairless Meeting Room. MORDIN SOLUS, the Salarian scientist, and GRUNT, the genetically perfect Krogan, are waiting for them.)_

JOHN: Yo, Grunt. How's it hangin'?

GRUNT: _(To Mordin)_ Humans have the strangest expressions. Do you have the slightest clue what's supposed to be suspended?

MORDIN: No idea. Smile and nod. Will satisfy human requirements. Provide verbal confirmation upon continued askance.

JANE: I asked you both up here because both of you requested to go to Tuchanka. I figured we might as well get the entire planet done on one trip. Mordin, what did you have to do?

MORDIN: Colleague captured by Blood Pack. Wish to rescue him. Time sensitive.

JOHN: Wait, why is it a rush job? I wanted to explore the Krogan homeworld. Sounds like a happening place!

JANE: Mordin, did you tell anyone else about your research?

MORDIN: _(Gulp)_ No. Personal. Private. Again, Time Sensitive.

JOHN: What does his research have to do with anything?

JANE: Because our Dr. Solus here created a newer and better Genophage, and one of his…

GRUNT: WHHHHHAAAAT? _(In a sudden rage, he smashes his plated head into the nearest wall, smashing a huge hole in it.)_

JOHN: Stop putting holes in my ship!

GRUNT: _(Calms self by taking several deep breaths)_ I'm sorry, Commander. But that's what I needed to see you about. I've been having these rages lately, and I don't know why.

JANE: _(Disengaging herself from the furthest corner of the room)_ Er… why didn't you see Dr. Bastillasmother?

GRUNT: Well, last I checked, she was human, and probably not all that up to date on sick Krogan. And two, she's always plastered. I don't want to end up in a worse fix. So I was hoping I could visit a Krogan Doc on Tuchanka?

MORDIN: Safe to re-enter? _(crawls out from under table)_

GRUNT: Sorry, I shouldn't have lost it there, Mordin.

MORDIN: No harm done. Needed to test heart, bladder, and hypothalamus simultaneously anyway. Everything working correctly. Excuse me. Need to change.

_(JOHN & JANE walk to the bow, where JEFF "JOKER" MOREAU is discussing classic vids with EDI)_

EDI: I fail to see the point, Jeff. It does not matter if the top tips or not.

JOKER: But don't you see? If the top tips, then it's real. If the top doesn't tip, it's another dream. How do you not get this?

EDI: Being an artificial intelligence, I see all life as unreal.

JOKER: Augh! I give up. What's up Commanders?

JANE: Can you plot a course for Tuchanka? We need to do some more loyalty missions.

JOKER: Are you sure we can find parking?

JOHN: Just plot the course.

JOKER: No, seriously, what with the Vidfest and all.

JOHN: Listen, whiny person whose bones break easily…

EDI: Jeff is correct, Lint Remover Shepard, there is a high volume of activity on Tuchanka at the moment. A vidfest featuring the work of the winner of the Galactic Oscars for worst picture.

JANE: Worst Picture? There's an award for that?

JOKER: Since the Academy realized no one was watching their lame tearjerkers and confusing films in High Salarian, yes.

EDI: One participant has won awards for worst writing consecutively for three years. The event is in his honor. Krogan from numerous clans will be attending.

JANE: _(Muttering)_ And this is the day I have to stop by with scientist who fixed the Genophage. _(Looks up)_ Why me?

JOHN: I don't know. And why do you keep looking up all and saying that all the time?

JANE: Nevermind.

**EXT: TUCHANKA: LANDING AREA**

_(The Normandy finds a place to park and the shuttle easily transports JANE, JOHN, MORDIN & GRUNT to the guest landing deck. They exit the shuttle and are greeted by a large Krogan who does not look at all happy in a tuxedo. He addresses them gruffly)_

KROGAN: The Clan Leader wants to speak with you. Keep your rutting pet on a short leash. Get him the Rite soon, or put him down!

JOHN: Which one?

JANE: John! I'm sorry sir? What rite?

KROGAN: The Rite.

JANE: The Rite?

KROGAN: Right

JANE: Which Rite?

KROGAN: The Right Rite!

JANE: Riiiight.

KROGAN: Around the corner, hang a right.

JOHN: Huh?

MORDIN: Krogan sense of humor improved. Intelligence levels remain same.

_(With GRUNT shaking his head, JANE leads them all down a long hallway to a large center room with many torches. Apparently someone tried to deck the place out, but forgot Tuchanka was mostly craters. Consequently there is a lot of brightly lit rubble with a red carpet around it.)_

GRUNT: This is it? Okeer made it sound like a paradise of victory.

MORDIN: Results exaggerated. Often case with amateurs.

_(They are approached by a Krogan Valet, or so they assume based on his red jacket, of other interest is the enormous missile launcher in his hand.)_

JOHN: Love the gun, man.

JANE: You're the first armed valet I've ever seen.

VALET: You'd be surprised.

JANE: We need to see the boss. Or the lead scout. My paperwork isn't clear.

VALET: I'm sorry, you'll have to wait to see the Clan Leader. He's having a civil discussion with a colleague.

_(They peer over the Valet's shoulder, to see two Krogan talking. One with green plates is addressing the other, who has his back to them)_

GREEN PLATES: You honestly think your reforms will not go unopposed? You cannot subject the audience to another 3-D explosion without more impossible stunts! You risk appearing weak at a critical time!

CLAN LEADER: I'll drag your clan to glory whether you like it or not. The Galaxy is ripe for more audience interaction.

GREEN PLATES: You abandoned many traditions to get your way!

_(The CLAN LEADER offers no response to this, merely turning and with a grumble, smashing his head plate into the Green-plated Krogan's head. The offending Krogan backs away, muttering. The leader turns to see the landing party and eagerly waves them up to the dais. When they get closer, JOHN is delighted to see that it's URDNOT WREX, his compatriot from their previous adventures)_

JOHN: Wrex!

WREX: Shepard!

JOHN: Wrex!

WREX: Shepard!

JOHN: Wr—

JANE: Enough of that. We're glad to see you alive and well, Wrex.

WREX: Shepard. Heard you were dead.

JOHN: It'll take a lot more than that to put me down.

WREX: One down, eight to go, eh?

JOHN: Death hacked me up like a hairball.

_(At the annoyed groans of their audience, the old friends get to business)_

JOHN: So we haven't seen you since the Citadel, what happened?

WREX: You know that script I had, Dead Shot? Bruckheimer films liked it. Or maybe it was Jerry XII, I forget.

JANE: Jerry XII?

MORDIN: Clone of original vidmaker. Froze self, set up clone system for posterity. Explains repetition of vid structure for past two centuries.

WREX: Anyway, we were shocked when we got the Oscar for worst galactic picture. And the credits I earned gave me a chance to create one of my old pet projects: Blasto.

GRUNT: YOU wrote Blasto? The Hanar Spectre?

WREX: That's right, kid. Well, me and my team. The Krogan population around the Galaxy loved it. And I was voted into this Clan Leader job.

JANE: Don't tell me this vidfest is about you…

WREX: Yep. With the Blasto & it's sequel winning the next two worst galactic picture awards, I decided to use my popularity for good. Representatives from all the major clans are here. I will reunite the Krogan!

JOHN: HIGH FIVE! Wait, does that mean we can't recruit you for our mission? I mean Grunt is awesome and all, but you are the best! Wrex.

WREX: Shepard. _(They both chortle)_ And yes, I can't go. Something about wanting to maintain beloved characters for the final sequel.

JANE: Based on your conversation earlier, I'd say not everything is going well.

WREX: What? Oh that. Gatatog Uvenk over there is just worried I'm putting too much special effects in Blasto 3. Thinks that my uniter skills aren't enough.

JOHN: Too much special effects? _(Snorts)_ Like that's possible.

UVENK: He is going against what makes us strong. Elaborate choreographed fight scenes are what is necessary!

WREX: Speak when spoken too, Uvenk! Now Shepard, what do you need?

JANE: Two things actually. We need to find a captured Salarian, and Grunt here needs to see a Krogan doctor.

WREX: Wait… isn't he in charge?

JOHN: I was railroaded at my war crimes trial. They left me Sub-SPECTRE on her ship.

WREX: That's rough. But you can keep fighting, can't you?

JANE: Every bath day.

WREX: There's my friend! I don't worry about missing Salarians. Talk to my scout commander. But don't keep him busy. He's shooting suicidal pyjacks. Grunt, you say? _(Addressing him) _What happened, kid? Was your clan killed before you could accomplish what's expected of you?

GRUNT: By what's expected of me, do you mean "Wake up in a ship's hold?" Because if not, I don't think so.

WREX: He's a clone? Well, clone, would yo-

UVENK: A CLONE, Wrex! You would allow a clone to gain full status as a member of your clan! I'll bet you want to put him through the Rite of Passage! I won't stand for it. I'll walk out on you right now if you think for one second of going along with this!

WREX: _(puts down a plate of suspicious looking blobs)_ Um… I was going to ask if he wanted some hors d'oeuvres. But now that you mention it, that is an incredibly good idea. Thanks, Uvenk!

_(UVENK stomps off)_

JANE: Is he gonna be ok?

WREX: Yea. The next guy he meets won't be. Heheh.

JOHN: That guy is going to get Steam Rolled! I've missed this. You sure you can't come with us?

WREX: Relax, I'll be around in the third game. You and this Grunt kid head on up to see the Shaman about Uvenk's "Rite of Passage" idea. He's at the top of the stairs muttering about some tradition or another.

JANE: We'll go check him and the scout out, thanks Wrex.

_(They walk up to the top of the stairs, where UVENK is busily tattling to the SHAMAN, a very big tired looking Krogan)_

UVENK: … And Wrex said he could, and I don't think he should.

SHAMAN: _(Thoroughly unimpressed)_ And this is my problem how?

JANE: Wrex sent us up here to start, right?

SHAMAN: Which rite?

JANE: The rite rite.

JOHN: Not this crap again!

SHAMAN: Did you mean the correct right, or the ritual rite?

JANE: I was confirming we were in the correct place to start the ritual.

SHAMAN: Right.

UVENK: I invoke a denial! He cannot take on the Rite unless he has a team!

SHAMAN: Fine. Do you have a team Grunt?

JOHN: Does being on his team mean we get to shoot things?

SHAMAN: A little. Well, all, actually. We're Krogan... we really don't require more qualifications than good aim and a bloodthirsty disposition.

JANE: Given the last thing we shot was an enormous spaceship/alien overlord, I think we can handle what you can dish out.

UVENK: But what if the creatures ignore him like a lump of –

_(JOHN takes this opportunity to follow Wrex's example in hard headedness, and leans backwards before slamming his head into UVENK's plated head. There is a loud metallic clang, and Uvenk sways for a minute clutching his head)_

UVENK: Oooh that... I mean… This isn't over! _(He stomps away again)_

SHAMAN: What's your head made of, alien? Adamantium?

JOHN: Jello. Jello jello jello. Jello.

JANE: He recently had some parts put in. We're not sure what all of them do yet. That one apparently activates his desire for hospital food.

SHAMAN: Er… yes. Well you folks can leave whenever you're ready. Have fun!

**EXT: TUCHANKA: TRAINING AREA**

_(They catch a Tomkah Taxi, an ever-so-subtle nod to Tonka trucks, out to the training ground. JOHN busies himself collecting all the cash off the runner-ups left in the area, while MORDIN and JANE try to figure out what they are up against)_

MORDIN: Use of Tuchanka fauna probable. What animals native?

JANE: Well, there's Varren… And that's all I got. Grunt?

GRUNT: No idea. After all the battles we've been in, what could really challenge us?

_(Reluctantly they push the start button, and nothing happens. A loudspeaker gives a prepared speech about fighting to the end. JANE turns around and hits the button a couple more times)_

JANE: Must be broken.

MORDIN: Typical. Poor care of equipment.

GRUNT: What's that?

_(They spy something sticking out of the ground. It appears to be an antenna of some kind. They approach it. Grunt flicks it with his shotgun. No change. They turn around to hit the button again, and they hear a loud roaring sound coming from behind them)._

JANE: THRESHER MAW!

MORDIN: Recommend cover. Immediately!

GRUNT: I knew this was a bad idea.

_(While JOHN remains oblivious, JANE, MORDIN, and GRUNT hide behind a rickety looking structure, hoping the creature won't see them. A dose of acid spit later, they abandon this idea and head for the nearest wall.)_

JANE: Johnny get over here!

MORDIN: Creature ambulatory. Headed our way!

GRUNT: So what am I supposed to do here? Commit suicide by getting swallowed? My shotgun's good, but not that good.

_(The Thresher Maw spots JOHN and sends a stream of acid towards him. He kneels to collect some spare parts out of a turbine and it sails over his head, turning a dead Krogan ahead of him into green ooze.)_

JOHN: Hey! I hadn't searched him yet! THAT WAS MINE! You're dead.

_(JOHN arms his missile launcher and fires point blank at the Thresher Maw's gaping… well, maw. His missile explodes inside, and it gets angry. Spit flies everywhere.)_

JANE: We'll save you Johnny! _(Charges forward, gun blazing)_

MORDIN: Why the insistence on plural pronouns?

GRUNT: CHARGE!

MORDIN: Very well. Always wanted to conclude life in large gastronomic system.

_(Surprisingly, their barrage weakens the Thresher Maw and JOHN fires a few more missiles at its head. It seems to think they are birds and swallows them whole, all in all a bad vote of confidence for its IQ level. They proceed to explode in the Gastronomic system of Mordin's fears. The creature collapses.)_

MORDIN: Massive heartburn. Or heart failure. Doesn't matter which.

GRUNT: That's it?

JANE: _(Panting and supporting herself on her knees)_ That wasn't enough for you? It was like our only option was to run around, shoot, run some more, shoot some more.

UVENK: _(Appearing from behind a hatchway) _What better introduction to the life of the Krogan?

JOHN: _(Sneering)_ How's the head?

UVENK: I'm here to offer you a deal, Grunt. Join my clan.

GRUNT: What's in it for me?

UVENK: Well, you can't breed. And you can't vote. And you certainly can't live with us. But you'll be one of us.

GRUNT: _(rubs chin for 5 seconds) _You know, I think I'm going to have to go with option B.

UVENK: Which is?

GRUNT: I allow you a good long look at the giant thresher maw we just killed, and then I wait patiently for you to run away like a little alien.

UVENK: You're just as much use to me dead!

_(A brief firefight ensues. Alas, elaborate choreographed martial arts sequences were not enough to carry the day. GRUNT & Krantt catch a Tomkah Taxi back to the hub. They are greeted by the URDNOT SHAMAN)_

**EXT: TUCHANKA: MAIN AREA**

SHAMAN: Do you people have any idea how hard it is to catch one of those? You were supposed to survive it, not kill it!

JOHN: Kill everything else. That's how I survive.

JANE: Maybe you should have clarified that.

GRUNT: Are you satisfied now? Am I Urdnot?

SHAMAN: Fine. _(Hurriedly)_You're Urdnot. You can breed, have property, and apply to serve under a battlemaster. This is going to take forever to clean up.

GRUNT: I choose Shepard as my battlemaster.

SHAMAN: _(Heaving a sigh of relief)_ Great. See you later. Now to find the Rite for replacing the Thresher Maw…

_(After some congratulatory handshaking and back-slapping, they walk over towards the scout Wrex had directed them to earlier. Along the way, JOHN speaks up)_

MORDIN: Which Shepard?

GRUNT: Hmm?

MORDIN: Selected "Shepard" as battlemaster. Two Shepards here. Which chosen?

JANE & JOHN: _(Simultaneously) _He picked me!

JOHN: You? There's no reason he would pick you. I'm the badass around here!

JANE: I have a brain! I don't set up target practice beside nuclear reactors!

JOHN: You only say that because you couldn't shoot your way out of a paper bag!

JANE: It's better to resolve problems without killing everyone in sight! All it takes is some persuasion skill.

JOHN: Intimidation works better. They give you the answer and then they go away!

JANE: I make friends, is that a crime?

JOHN: It is when you steal the tank character! Wrex was on my side in the first game, remember?

MORDIN: This may take some time. Wish to gather supplies with me, Grunt?

GRUNT: _(Looking from one to the other of the twins)_ Even if it were to the Apple store, I'd say yes right now.

**PART 2: Dr. Solus, or how I learned how to stop worrying and love the Genophage**

**EXT: TUCHANKA: MAIN AREA**

_(The Krogan and the Salarian take a brief detour and come back with a few packages. GRUNT hands one to JOHN which distracts him from continuing the "discussion" JANE glares at him.)_

JOHN: Oooh, a new shotgun. Can we go try it out, please?

JANE: You had to give him a new toy?

GRUNT: It shut him up, didn't it?

JOHN: Please please please please?

JANE: Fine! But only if you're quiet until we get there.

JOHN: _(Pouting) _OK

_(They finally make their way over to the CHIEF SCOUT who is busily firing cannons at something beyond their view.)_

JANE: Excuse me, sir?

CHIEF SCOUT: _(Yelling) _WHAT?

JANE: EXCUSE ME SIR!

CHIEF SCOUT: YES? HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

JANE: DO WE HAVE TO SHOUT?

CHIEF SCOUT: HAVE TO KEEP THE PYJACKS IN LINE.

JANE: Feel like shooting something with your huge gun, Johnny?

_(JOHN eyes her narrowly, then runs onto the field with his new toy. JANE & the CHIEF SCOUT step out of the immediate vicinity. John's cackles of glee are almost as loud as the guns were, but less distracting.)_

CHIEF SCOUT: We don't have many aliens **on Tuchanka**. What do you want?

JANE: Well, we were hoping you know where the Blood Pack may have taken a captured Salarian?

CHIEF SCOUT: **On Tuchanka**, each person lives for themselves. It makes us hardier individuals and strong fighters.

JANE: Yes, but where might they have taken him?

CHIEF SCOUT: **On Tuchanka**, the tribe is most important. It defines us. Who needs to know anything about other clans.

MORDIN: Direct route not successful. Indirect?

GRUNT: How are you doing? I just killed a Thresher Maw.

CHIEF SCOUT: Impressive! But **on Tuchanka**, there are always more Thresher Maws to kill.

GRUNT: It would be great if you would help out these aliens.

CHIEF SCOUT: What's in it for me? **On Tuchanka**, people solve their own problems. Speaking of which, I sent one my scouts out to the blood pack base. He hasn't returned.

JANE: _(Desperately) _We'll look for him! Where is it?

CHIEF SCOUT: Over there. Giant hospital with convenient battle arenas arrayed in front of it. Here, you can take that Tomkah out there. Be careful, driving is dangerous…

ALL: … **On Tuchanka**!

JANE: Thanks! Come on Johnny. More things to kill, people to rescue!

**INT: TUCHANKA: HOSPITAL**

_(After a short drive to the aforementioned facility, they exit the vehicle, and after eliminating the welcoming committee, step in the front door. Directly in front of them is a human body. They examine it)_

MORDIN: Ligature marks. Tied up.

JOHN: My man! _(prepares to high five the dead man and is mystified when no hand is raised)_ Dude don't leave me hangin'

JANE: He's dead, John. He can't high five you.

MORDIN: Early test subject. Sloppy. Never used humans myself. Preferred other live subjects.

JANE: You used live subjects? What kind?

MORDIN: Varren, mostly. A few gerbils.

JANE: That's inhumane! How could you do that to defenseless creatures?

MORDIN: That's just what the protesters said.

GRUNT: Protests? Hmph! How'd you get rid of them?

MORDIN: The protesters? Released varren into the crowds. No problems after. Got medal when research finished.

JOHN: Dude, I have no idea what you just said, but high five! _(Proffers still raised hand)_

MORDIN: Do not understand. Why is the numeral elevated?

JANE: He wants you to slap his hand.

_(MORDIN ignores JOHN and he and JANE walk in the direction of the next room. GRUNT takes pity and slaps his wrist, which he seems to accept as good enough. They follow the others. Inside the room is a second welcoming committee.)_

KROGAN SPEAKER: WELCOME TO WEYRLOC WORLD! This is where it all began. Weyrloc Guld decided to cure the Genophage, and right here in this very room was where the first aliens were told about our glorious victory.

GRUNT: _(Looking around)_Yep. A dump of an old hospital. Real tourist attraction you've got here. Are these heat sinks souvenirs?

KROGAN SPEAKER: No. Those are 10.95 down the hall. But Weyrloc Guld, is his great wisdom and glory is going to allow you aliens to leave alive, to spread the word of our glory. When we are in power … _(Ranting continues)_

GRUNT: Want to see something cool?

JOHN: 10 Creds says you can't hit him in 3 shots.

GRUNT: You're on. _(Shoots a low hanging fuel pipe near the monologing Weyrloc Speaker)_

SPEAKER: You dare to interrupt me? I will show…

_(GRUNT fires another shot into the leaking fuel, igniting it and the speaker. Understandably, the 2__nd__ welcoming committee doesn't take this well, but after a few blasts from Grunt's shotgun and a couple of JOHN's vanguard charges, their opinions are of minimal importance.)_

JOHN: That didn't count, you cheated!

GRUNT: Did not. You said 3 shots.

JOHN: Fine. But next monologer, it's my turn!

_(The walk into a lab, where several computers are set up beside a Krogan body. MORDIN accesses one of them)_

MORDIN: Hormone mutagens still steady. Protein chains, live tissue, cloned tissue. Very thorough. Standard treatment vectors Avoiding scorched earth immunosuppressants to alter hormone levels. Good. Hate to see that.

JANE: You know, it's ok to feel guilty, Mordin.

MORDIN: Guilt? For what action?

JANE: The genophage. You do realize the horror of your actions don't you?

MORDIN: Horror? Shepard, my team saved galaxy.

JOHN: Been there done that. The galaxy's not as grateful as you might think.

JANE: You shut up. Go back to staring at the ceiling.

MORDIN: Useless effort. Modified genophage right choice. Otherwise galactic strife. Krogan rebel again, kill innocents.

JANE: What about Grunt?

GRUNT: What about me?

JANE: How do you think he feels, knowing that you created the virus that sterilized his people?

GRUNT: Why are you bringing me into this? I may be Krogan, but my interest in blind vengeance is overridden by my interest in getting to the point of this conversation.

JANE: But, the babies!

MORDIN: Babies never alive. Eggs not fertilized. For 45th time, did not create genophage! Just modified it!

JANE: Oh, I keep forgetting that.

MORDIN: Think writers did also. Help with body?

_(They knock the body off the table and plug the research computer in so they can get better armor plating, then walk companionably down the hall with JOHN & GRUNT in tow. As they walk by, a sad looking Krogan waves at them from a cell. They unlock it and approach him)_

SAD KROGAN: Are you here to cure the Genophage too?

MORDIN: The Genophage not evil, population control device!

SAD KROGAN: They said we were going to cure the genophage.

JANE: Um.. well we had to kill them, sooo they aren't.

SAD KROGAN: I'm not good for anything else. I'll just sit here and die.

_(JOHN & GRUNT start whispering and walk out of the room)_

JANE: No, you can't do that! You have so much to live for! Family! Clan! Battle!

SAD KROGAN: My family's dead, my clan left me here to die, and battle is how I ended up in this fix in the first place.

JANE: I'm out. Got anything?

MORDIN: Intellectual stimulation. How many fingers am I holding up?

_(The Krogan just stares at Mordin. JOHN and GRUNT walk back in, stuffing ice bags into their crotch armor)_

JOHN: I tell you, Grunt, those ladies were the best I ever had.

GRUNT: I'm sore… but it was worth it. Say, what's this guy doing? Doesn't he know about the party?

JOHN: Yo, what up Eeyore? You not going over to the ladies camp tonight?

SAD KROGAN: What would be the point? They wouldn't like me.

JOHN: Dude, I don't think they care tonight. Heheh… Somebody spiked their Ryncol or something. It's like Girls Gone Wild down there. Of course, with the Krogan ladies it's hard to tell when they're wild…

GRUNT: It's the head butting. When they're wild, they head butt. But in a nice way.

SAD KROGAN: Ladies? Head butting? And I'm stuck in here? Screw this. Fix the genophage another day!

_(He runs off, leaving JOHN & GRUNT smirking and JANE with a bewildered look on her face.)_

JANE: John, what the heck was that?

JOHN: Just a little shot in the arm. He'll be right as rain in no time.

GRUNT: The ice bags were a nice touch.

JANE: You realize not only did you just lie to him, but now you've set up some poor female at the Krogan camp with an insane test subject?

JOHN: Not my problem anymore, and he'll get over it.

MORDIN: Perhaps successful. Krogan females attracted to confidence.

_(JANE rolls her eyes and they walk into another big room with lots of chest high walls. Also, opportunely placed beside each assailant is a large container of flammable material. While JOHN & GRUNT pin them down, JANE and MORDIN fire incendiary rounds into the containers, killing the Weyrloc baddies beside them.)_

JANE: That was easy. You'd think there would be more Weyrlocs if they were planning to take over the galaxy.

GRUNT: Our ego insists that Krogan speak in grandiose terms in order to portray their power.

MORDIN: Could not put better.

JOHN: I couldn't care less what you all are talking about, but would you mind weighing in on the topic of the huge Krogan over there?

_(From their right a large Krogan roars and charges. WEYRLOC GULD, equipped with double armor and triple attitude, hoped to catch them by surprise. He almost succeeds. The clatter from the discharging weapons and battle cries is deafening. Finally, he too is dead and the Normandy team walks towards the last door. It's locked and while JANE is investigating, it opens and a Salarian sticks his head out.)_

SALARIAN: Mr. Guld, what have I told you about making copious amounts of noise outside my lab? I am TRYING to work in here, and I can't do that while you're… _(notices Guld's corpse)_ can't do that while you're… _(notices the team)_ Er… Hi Prof! Fancy meeting you here. Gotta run!

_(His attempt to lock the door on them is foiled by GRUNT blocking the way. They approach MAELON.)_

MORDIN: Not restrained. No chains. No cat o'nine tails.

MAELON: Your powers of observing the obvious are still in top form, Prof.

JANE: Let me guess, you came as a volunteer?

MORDIN: _(sputters)_But! But! Only way! Agreed!

MAELON: You ever notice that his sentences become more fragmented the more stressed he is?

MORDIN: Irrelevant. Have to. End this! _(Pulls gun and aims it at MAELON)_

JOHN: Finally, something interesting. Do it!

JANE: Mordin, wait! Why kill him?

MORDIN: Explained before. Mad Scientist! Would cause chaos. Must stop!

JOHN: Yeah yeah yeah, must stop. Pull the trigger already!

JANE: No! You can't kill an innocent!

MORDIN: Breaks heart. Must stop research.

GRUNT: _(Standing at computer)_Done.

MAELON: _(Anxious at any opportunity to change the subject) _Done what exactly?

GRUNT: Deleted the data. Your boy can't reconstruct it can he? And Weyrloc Guld out there isn't going to be telling anyone. Problem is solved. Now can I go back to my cargo hold now? It's been a long day.

JANE: You deleted the data? Now how will we ever cure the genophage!

GRUNT: I've survived several attempts on my life today, including one by a monster thirty times my size. I don't care.

JOHN: Dude, nice move. Put her there!

_(JOHN puts a hand up for a high five. After a moment of confused staring, GRUNT remembers and slaps John's hand. Meanwhile MORDIN slowly turns away from a shocked MAELON)_

MORDIN: Relieved. Glad didn't kill you. Blood would jam weapon in future. Awkward moments in battle.

_(MAELON just sits there while JOHN, MORDIN, and GRUNT are congratulating themselves. His shoulders shake in little spasms and JANE walks over to try to encourage him. She touches his shoulder)_

JANE: It'll be alright. We'll find a way to make this right. I remember feeling the same way when Johnny killed the Rachni queen.

MAELON: Not… a problem…_(snickers)_

JANE: _(Backs away) _You're laughing, not crying. You haven't gone insane, have you?

MAELON: _(Almost guffawing)_ Did you… really think… I would only have… one copy? _(Wipes tears of mirth away)_

_(JANE lets MAELON chortle all the way back to the Tuchanka base. The others think he's lost grip on reality. Jane doesn't correct them. They say goodbye to WREX, then board the NORMANDY. Locking KELLY and her questions about a pet varren out of her room, Jane finally gets some rest)_


	16. Chapter 17: Title Too Long

**Mock Effect 2**

**Chapter 17: Sparkling Yoshis & Other Galactic Perils**

**INT: NORMANDY: CAPTAIN'S CABIN**

_(JANE SHEPARD leisurely awakes from her nap. Having locked her door and turned off her intercom, she enjoys a nice hot shower before facing the realities of life in the Bioware universe. She is just getting out when a voice interrupts her)_

EDI: Commander, you should really have that mole looked at. It could be malignant.

JANE: _(Screams and covers up with the curtain) _What the hell? EDI? Get out of my bathroom!

EDI: I cannot get out of anywhere, Commander. I am an artificial intelligence, I am everywhere.

JANE: _(Through her teeth)_ Disappear. Now.

_(EDI disappears, but pops up again in the bedroom after JANE has finished getting dressed.)_

EDI: Commander, I'm sorry to interrupt again, but I wanted you to know my probing system is fully operational.

JANE: And you want me to go kidnap a cow? What part of go away didn't you understand?

EDI: Commander, you're operating on the misapprehension that my designers would want me operating on bovines. I meant my mining probes. I figured you could use the material for upgrades.

JANE: You've been talking to Mordin again, haven't you? If I look at it, will you leave me alone?

EDI: I can never leave any member of this crew completely alone. I am part of the ship. _(Pause) _Commander, what are you thinking about? Your thoughtful expression is different.

JANE: I'm wondering whether it would be worth getting blown up again… Nah… Alright, show me what you're talking about.

EDI: Use your map to select a planet and then use the surveying tool to detect deposits of rare metals on the planet's surface.

JANE: Oook. _(Fires probe)_

EDI: Aha! You've found a deposit of Iridium. We can use it improve our weapons.

JANE: With what? Shovels? Do you have any idea how hard it is to set up a mining operation? First you have to have facilities for the equipment and workers. Then you have to get the locals to pass on it, which gets into politics and environmental concerns. And then there's the matter of refining it into useable material, which only then can be used to improve our weapons. This is ridiculous.

EDI: The Illusive Man told me to explain it that way. In actuality, we sell the information to an illicit developer who pays us a significant amount which we then use to purchase equipment on the black market. Sorry.

JANE: _(Sigh)_ This keeps getting better and better. _(Fires another probe) _So what's that deposit?

EDI: Platinum, Commander! We can use it to upgrade our armor!_ (JANE Glares)_ Long term!

JANE: And what's that White dot?

EDI: I have detected an anomaly. You should investigate it! Bioware said they'd improved the side missions dramatically in this game.

JANE: You aren't going to leave me alone until I do, are you?

EDI: Joker turned off my audio receptacle in the cockpit. My programming does not allow me to be idle.

_(Reluctantly, JANE takes the elevator down to the crew deck, morbidly pondering how long it would take to get her out of there if the machine got stuck. She uses her superb team selection skills to pick out GARRUS and SAMARA to go with her. The shuttle lands them outside a mine.)_

**EXT: MINOS WASTELAND: AEQUITAS**

GARRUS: Just like old times, Eh, Commander? Where's the Mako?

JANE: In burning ruins on some desolate planet somewhere. Pity.

SAMARA: I'm sure you'll obtain another, dear.

JANE: Ha. Not that kind of pity. Pity it didn't go into a black hole and be dissolved into a million pieces. I hated that thing.

_(They proceed into the mine, the door shutting mysteriously behind them.)_

JANE: That can't be good.

GARRUS: _(Trying to appear badass)_ Doors, we don't need doors. Wait… that's if I have explosives.

SAMARA: Being trapped would be unfortunate.

_(JANE picks up a tablet on the table in front of them. The last screen is frozen and says simply: "Get out. Get out now!")_

JANE: Gee, thanks. Whoever you are couldn't have left this OUTSIDE the creepy bunker?

SAMARA: There is no way to go but forward.

GARRUS: Time to blow this place wide open!

JANE: Why do I always seem to bring YOU along on these missions?

_(Walking down the passageways they come into a small room which opens up into a large bay. In the smaller area, there's a computer which has several entries, each more garbled than the last.)_

JANE: Now what could that be about? An artifact? What sort of artifact?

SAMARA: _(Pointing to a large object in the center of the other room)_ That, probably.

_(They walk over to it and stand underneath, staring)_

JANE: So where did all of the people go? It couldn't have absorbed them!

GARRUS: Let's ask these folks behind us.

_(They turn and find they are surrounded by a horde of Husks)_

JANE: _(Piteous voice) _Zombies. Why did it have to be Zombies?

SAMARA: It'll be alright dear.

GARRUS: Zombies – Groovy! That sounds badass, right?

_(In what seems like forever, SAMARA & GARRUS use their copious skills to fight off the husks as they attack. Alas there is no relief, as this mysterious survey team apparently had cloning facilities somewhere inside the wall, allowing more husks to attack at any moment. Meanwhile JANE is catatonic in a corner, mumbling about marmalade.)_

_(A Husk eventually penetrates their fire, and while they are otherwise occupied, crawls towards JANE. At its odd touch, JANE's catatonic state fades away and a far less controlled state of complete panic takes over. She grabs her weapon and blasts the Husk to smithereens, then fires wildly in all directions, only narrowly missing her allies. One of her shots hits a fuel tank in the area, setting off a chain reaction of fiery explosions and sending JANE & her cohort running wildly for the exit, lock or no lock!)_

**INT: NORMANDY: CREW DECK**

_(JANE's shuttle lands, and her team comes up to the crew deck. JANE heads right for Kasumi's room but is intercepted by JOHN.)_

JOHN: _(Slightly tipsy)_ Hey sis, what happened? You miss me?

JANE: I need a drink. A very strong drink.

SAMARA: Are you sure that's the right decision, having just survived such a dire predicament?

JANE: I'm sure. Now out of my way!

JOHN: Err… Ok, but there's no booze in there.

JANE: And where has the booze gone?

JOHN: Well… You see… Dr. Bastillasmother and I … well we… er..

JANE: You drank my booze!

JOHN: You said you didn't want it on ship! We figured the only fair thing to do would be to give it a good send off. Zaeed had a few extra cups, and well we made sure it went in the trash compactor… empty.

JANE: _(Voice escalating with tension) _You mean to tell me that not only am I trapped serving on a terrorist suicide mission with an imbecile brother, a team of needy aliens with daddy issues, and a talking computer with no concept of personal space, but that the only time I pick up a side mission I'm surrounded by an endless horde of zombies, barely survive, return to ship and find there is no alcohol? ARE YOU PEOPLE TRYING TO GIVE ME A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN?

_(SAMARA, seeing the Commander is in no condition to make any decisions and that JOHN has about as much forethought as a wet dishrag, springs into action. First she takes JANE to the elevator, and gets on the radio with JOKER)_

SAMARA: Mr. Moreau, would you do the commander a large favor and please pilot the ship to the Omega Space Station? We need to resupply our … er… potable beverages.

JOKER: Our what? I am not flying through 6 relays to pick up more milk!

SAMARA: Our er… refreshing libations

JOKER: Our what? Is this some kind of prank?

EDI: _(Behind SAMARA) _Mr. Moreau, what the matriarch is asking you to help us obtain is alcohol.

JOKER: Booze? Why didn't you say so? Up, up & away!

_(And having secured the distraught commander in her cabin, the NORMANDY reaches the OMEGA station a few hours later. Having procured the necessary materials; SAMARA brings it up to JANE's Cabin.)_

JANE: _(Taking a hefty swallow) _Thanks Samara, you're a lifesaver. Well, when you aren't killing all criminals in range, anyway. I really owe you one.

SAMARA: I was hoping you'd say that, Commander.

JANE: _(Dryly)_ Really? You have something you want me to take care of, don't you? The sooner the better, right?

SAMARA: There's no need for sarcasm. You did promise to help me.

JANE: I was under the influence of strange alien nar…. _(Stumbles but recovers wits quickly) _narcolepsy at the time, what did I promise to do?

SAMARA: Help me with my case, if it came to that. It has.

JANE: So what kind of case is this exactly? Vengeance? Some idiot killed your family and now you're going to get even?

SAMARA: No. I n-

JANE: You're finally in touch with your long lost mother!

SAMARA: Nonsense, she's well taken care of. I need to –

JANE: You've been accused of a crime you didn't commit and you need an untrained lawyer!

SAMARA: Are you quite finished?

JANE: _(Downs another drink) _I am now.

SAMARA: I need to find a killer. One I've devoted my life to hunting down.

JANE: Sounds serious. What's their name?

SAMARA: Morinth. She is… an Ardat Yakshi.

JANE: An Ardent Yoshi? What's that?

SAMARA: An Ardat Yakshi. She is a mutant of my race that feeds off the life force of others.

JANE: Like a vampire, eh? Does she have fangs to get at the blood? I can't imagine an Asari with fangs.

SAMARA: Er… She doesn't feed on their blood. She feeds… well er… when in the throes of passion. She makes your "little death" a bit more permanent.

JANE: You're kidding. A sex vampire? That's the most evil villain the writers could think for you to go up against? Way to play up the stereotype hot alien chicks, guys.

SAMARA: It's more complicated than that. Morinth … is my daughter.

JANE: Whoa. Family drama. That's better.

SAMARA: She was given the choice to be sequestered for life or be executed. She ran. And I have devoted my life to her capture.

JANE: Um.. Wow. I don't know what to say. What do you want to do?

SAMARA: What has to be done. We have to lure her out and kill her.

JANE: How?

SAMARA: We need to talk to Aria T'Loak. She'll know where to find her.

JANE: You want me to take you, Ms. Supercop, to Aria, the queen of crime? Do you think I'm suicidal? Mentally unstable _(Swallows one more)_ yes, but that stupid?

SAMARA: You, as you put it… "owe me one"

JANE: Yep. Another common phrase I'm never using again. Ok. I owe you one. You promise not to kill everyone in the place?

SAMARA: I so swear.

_(Not entirely reassured, JANE takes one for the road and orders the shuttle prepared, asking ZAEED to come along to look menacing. Against her better judgment, she also brings JOHN.)_

**OMEGA: AFTERLIFE BAR: THAT EVENING**

_(Nervously, they walk up to Aria's perch.)_

ARIA: Well, hello, Shepard. I suppose you found Archangel? Had they killed him yet?

JANE: Not exactly. They had all the tactics of your average welcome mat. Garrus is busy doing calibrations on the ship. We need a favor.

ARIA: And why should I bother to give a favor to the human who comes into my bar with of all things a Justicar?

JANE: Notice you're still alive in the presence of said Justicar. And correct me if I'm wrong, but are there or are there not three less gangs squabbling over territory that you have to fend off?

ARIA: Very well, depends on the favor.

SAMARA: I'm seeking a dangerous criminal. An Ardat Yakshi.

ARIA: _(Smirks) _I might have heard of one. Should I tell my men to keep an eye out for sparkling enemies?

SAMARA: _(Ignoring her)_ I have been hunting this fugitive for 400 years.

ARIA: You're looking good, considering. Had some work done up top? _(Gesturing at SAMARA's costume)_

SAMARA: Of course not. _(Zips up her top, resulting in a groan from the males in the immediate vicinity)_

JANE: Can you help us or not?

ARIA: Fine. Check out the apartments near the slums where you recruited Mordin. How is he by the way?

JANE: He was singing ancient showtunes when I left. Something about generals. And thank you.

ARIA: This makes us even I presume? No more popping in with requests? I'm a crime boss, not a vending machine.

JANE: Not until the sequel. Can't promise anything after that.

ARIA: Better than nothing. Keep your pet supercop in line.

_(She waves her hand in summary dismissal, and JANE, JOHN, SAMARA, & ZAEED head down to the suggested site. They quickly find the apartment they are looking for, based on the loud crying noise from within. JANE knocks. A bleary eyed woman answers)_

WOMAN: Yes? Can I help you?

JANE: We're here investigating a murder. Aria said we could talk to you.

WOMAN: My Nef, my beautiful Nef! My baby! _(Begins weeping uncontrollably)_

JANE: Er… Yes. Her. We were wondering, was there anyone new in her life recently? Perhaps an Asari?

ZAEED: Those are the blue ones with not a lot of clothes on.

SAMARA: I'm certain the dear lady knows what Asari are, Mr. Massani.

ZAEED: _(Looking around) _Who?

JANE: She meant you, Zaeed. Massani is your name, isn't it?

ZAEED: Oh right. Goddam right. Zaeed Massani, don't wear it out.

JANE: _(facepalm) _Ma'am, have you seen any?

WOMAN: No. But she did go on about a girl named Morinth. My poor baby! _(More weeping)_

SAMARA: Perhaps you tell us a little about Nef? It might help us find her killer.

WOMAN: She was my angel. My wonderful little girl. Sweet, friendly. The black eyeliner made her eyes stand out in the moonlight.

JANE: And you said she met Morinth where?

WOMAN: At some club. She said a lot of people there liked her tattoos. She had such beautiful tattoos. _(Weeping, then anger)_ I think she gave my baby drugs!

JANE: You were very close, I take it?

WOMAN: She was the bestest child a mother could have. I don't care what the other mothers said. Her spikes were always clean, and she only got drunk on weekends.

SAMARA: Was she an artist, by any chance?

WOMAN: My Nef was the best artist I've ever seen. Her sculptures evoked_… _powerful emotions! Usually nausea, but they were still my Nef's!

SAMARA: Morinth is drawn to artistic types. May we search her room, please?

WOMAN: So long as you don't move anything. I want it just as she left it. Even the "Mom, stay the F*** out of my room!" screensaver on her computer.

JANE: We'll be very careful.

_(They walk over to the bedroom, while the mother has a seat in a rocking chair, so as to better time her sobs.)_

ZAEED: Love is blind, eh? Mothers can be so stupid when their kids go goddam rotten. Hell of a thing to miss, I s—_(JANE trips ZAEED, making him bang his knee on the door and focus on other things.)_ What was that for?

JANE: Oh, sorry, Zaeed. I get very clumsy at crime scenes.

_(ZAEED mumbles about women in general while JANE and SAMARA search the room. Quiet brass music starts playing in the background.)_

JOHN: I'm bored already. I'll stand out here. Let me know when you find something.

JANE: Not much in here. The apartments in the slums were much roomier. _(JANE's eyes observe everything. Suddenly, a bell goes off in her mind) _Perhaps she included something on her diary. _(JANE opens a video diary)_

DIARY: Dear diary, today I met that beautiful Asari again. She said she's going to take me to her apartment and do wonderful things to me! I didn't know I was a lesbian, but this isn't bad!

JOHN: Say what now? Maybe this room could do with a thorough … _(His sentence is cut off as JANE shuts the bedroom door in his face.)_

_(Forty tragic posts in, SAMARA crows with triumph. Somewhere in the distance, a fanfare sounds)_

SAMARA: Aha! A password for the Afterlife VIP room!

JANE: That's what we've been looking for? All this time? We were just in a meeting with Aria, for pete's sake. They'd let us in if we were Klingons!

SAMARA: Wrong universe, dear.

JANE: I rest my case.

_(Sensing a change in pace, JOHN and ZAEED come in, hearing the tail end of the conversation)_

ZAEED: I was attacked by a goddam horde of Klingons once. I was the only one to make it out alive.

_(They bid their farewells to the still weeping mother, then walk over to the VIP entrance to afterlife, conveniently right down the street. A bouncer stops them)_

BOUNCER: Hold it, this nightclub is for VIP's only!

JANE: How about this. You let us in, and we'll forget that you turned us down the first time.

BOUNCER: And who are you? You didn't even give the password!

JANE: Well, here on my right is Mr. Zaeed Massani, former head of the Blue Suns, whose cheery demeanor is well known throughout the Galaxy…

ZAEED: Goddam bouncers… I fought a bunch of bouncers once. Was the only one to come out alive.

JANE: And on my left is Samara … I don't know her last name, but she's an Asari Justicar and we only barely avoided murdering the parking attendant for accepting bribes.

SAMARA: Blackmail and protection arrangements are a blight upon society. I was fulfilling the code.

BOUNCER: So? Either one of them lifts a finger here, Aria will fry them.

JANE: Aria? Oh you mean the lovely lady I just had a chat with? The one who thanked me for taking care of several "sensitive" issues? What did she say Johnny?

JOHN: "Anything you need, just ask." That's what she said.

JANE: John, how about you run up and ask her if we can get into Ja Rule's little club here? I'm sure she doesn't have anything important that will be interrupting.

BOUNCER: What do you know? It's dinner time. I'm going on break. You kids better be gone when I get back! _ (Hustles in the opposite direction.)_

**INT: OMEGA: AFTERLIFE: VIP HALLWAY**

_(They enter the "VIP Area" which consists of a dark hallway leading to a nightclub area. JOHN & ZAEED proceed inside, while SAMARA hangs back.)_

JANE: Aren't you coming in?

SAMARA: No. Morinth is alert for any danger. She'll spy me and disappear. Even your efforts might spook her. You must remember to tune yourself into your darker nature, my dear. No positive outlooks or belief in justice. You must be dark and imposing. Evil, threatening, and self possessed. She'll be drawn to you immediately.

JANE: I can handle this.

_(They are interrupted by an enthusiastic man in a hurry)_

MAN: Do you have tickets to Expel 10? I must get tickets to Expel 10! This totally hot Asari in there said they're her favorite band.

JANE: I'm sorry, Sir, but I don't know who they are, and I don't have any tickets to their concert. I hope you find them though.

_(The man rushes away, and SAMARA considers JANE with an annoyed look)_

SAMARA: This could be difficult.

JANE: How? You said she'll be drawn to me. I just have to not fall under her sway.

SAMARA: No, dearie, I mean you're too kind & friendly. You'll turn her off.

JANE: So what you're saying is that I'm not the right bait for this mission?

SAMARA: I'm afraid so, dear. We need someone completely without morals. A hedonistic selfish brute.

_(From the other side of the room, noise erupts. Upon looking closer, JANE sees that JOHN and ZAEED are wiping the floor with a pair of Turians. Quickly, Jane hails him on his inner ear communicator, i.e. slap radio)_

JANE: John, what happened?

JOHN: Huh? Jane, I didn't do anything I swear! I only kicked their asses because they looked funny at me! _(Looking wildly around his surroundings)_ Where are you?

JANE: I'm talking to you through your radio.

JOHN: Huh? What radio?

JANE: The one in your ear. The one you have to slap your head to turn on and off?

_(JOHN reacts very maturely to this and promptly slaps his ear five or six times. When the people around notice his odd behavior, he yells at them to go away)_

JANE: Stop that, you look like an idiot. Well, more than usual. I need you to do something for us.

JOHN: Ha! Why would I want to do a stupid thing like that?

JANE: We're trying to track down an Asari Sex v—

JOHN: I'm in. Any Asari? _(Spontaneously walks over and starts dancing with one)_

JANE: Let me finish! She's dangerous, John. She's an Ardat Yakshi.

JOHN: Ardent what? Oh wait.. that one you were asking the scary lady about! The kind that sparkle?

JANE: Sparkle?

SAMARA: I regret to say that few years ago someone wrote some trashy fiction about a young girl and how she falls in love with an Ardat Yakshi. In the book, the Ardat Yakshi does not eat her brain, preferring to demonstrate her power by sparkling when she's aroused. Or was that in sunlight? I forget.

JANE: Oh. Yes. That kind. We need you to seduce her.

JOHN: Heheheheheheheh.

JANE: Hold on a minute you cocky idiot. We don't know which one she is. She'll approach you. Just be yourself until it happens. Whatever you do, be careful! And keep your pants on!

JOHN: You're no fun! Shepard out!

_(A Krogan beside JOHN, hearing this, turns angrily to him)_

KROGAN: Shepard? Are you the jerkwad who wiped out Gatatog Uvenk and his bodyguards?

JOHN: And if I am?

KROGAN: You killed my brother!

JOHN: So? What are you gonna do about it?

KROGAN: _(Aggressively) _I'm going t_—(Spotting the look in JOHN's eye)_ to go drink elsewhere.

JOHN: No, you're not.

KROGAN: I'm not?

JOHN: Nope. You're gonna buy me a drink! In fact, you're gonna buy the entire bar a drink.

KROGAN: Like hell! Why?

JOHN: Because I don't like people who look at me funny. And you looked at me funny. Pay up!

_(Enjoying his drink, and leaving ZAEED to his favorite drinking game, i.e. staring menacingly at people until they go away and finishing their drink, JOHN walks off towards the other side of the room. A hand pulls him into a booth, wherein sits a smirking Asari)_

JOHN: Jackpot.

ASARI: I am Morinth. And I am indeed this "jackpot", tiger.

JOHN: I meant me.

_(JANE, listening on the radio with SAMARA, rolls her eyes)_

MORINTH: Confident. I like that. I wonder what else we have in common.

JOHN: I'm more interested in what we don't share.

MORINTH: Not so fast. You have to pass the quiz.

JOHN: I hate tests. Are we sure I couldn't talk the teacher out of it?

MORINTH: You're not THAT lucky. Do you like the music here?

JOHN: Not enough bass. I half expect some guy with a clarinet in his nose to start playing jazz in the corner.

MORINTH: I love the bass. It ripples through me.

JANE: _(Through earpiece) _Mention Expel 10. Met a guy who was trying to find tickets earlier, wouldn't surprise me if it was for Morinth.

JOHN: I don't suppose … Have you ever heard of Expel 10? Somebody I knew told me about them.

MORINTH: They tear me to pieces.

JOHN: I know what I'd like to tear to pieces… _ (MORINTH looks askance at him, and he quickly changes topics) _Er… it's even better when you're high.

MORINTH: Do you use Hallex, too?

JOHN: Hallex? Pshaw. That's for amateurs.

MORINTH: Alright then… how about art? Any favorites?

JANE: _(Through Radio)_ Hold on! Samara what was the name of that film in the diary?

JOHN: Vaenia. I've watched it a dozen times.

MORINTH: I'm surprised. You don't seem the type.

JANE: She's surprised? I'm surprised he knows how to play vids!

JOHN: One learns interesting things when trolling the extranet. Such as that certain films contain certain scenes. Vaenia's are especially enjoyable. Can I get a high five?

MORINTH: How terribly pedestrian.

JOHN: _(Trying to sound impressive) _I went in a museum once. Saw a great sculpture. "The naked bored guy", I think it was called. Some guy on a rock, wondering. I think he was wondering where his clothes went.

MORINTH: OK. _(Amused)_ Where else have you been?

JOHN: Everywhere. My sis- I've dragged myself all over the galaxy. Even met the council once. Bunch of jerks. If I had their power…

MORINTH: Aspirations of grandeur?

JOHN: More like I want to be the guy on top. The one in charge. The big kahuna.

MORINTH: Well perhaps I can help with one of those…

JOHN: Big kahuna? I've always wondered what "Kahuna" meant. I think it means dude. The Big dude.

MORINTH: Why don't I show you at my place?

JOHN: Now that's what I'm talking about.

_(MORINTH leads JOHN out and towards an apartment a short walk away. JANE & SAMARA follow at a distance. MORINTH invites JOHN to take a seat on the couch beside her.)_

**INT: OMEGA: MORINTH'S APT**

MORINTH: Do you feel the bass? It's like someone is out there hunting for you, and the drums are always beating in your brain.

JOHN: Drums? In your brain? Wouldn't that make you crazy?

MORINTH: Only if you stare into the vortex. Tell me, Shepard, do you feel safe here?

JOHN: Safe, schmafe. Let's get to the good stuff.

MORINTH: This is too easy. _(Voice gets deep, and her eyes blacken as she goes into a hypnotic state)_ Look into my eyes. Tell me you want me. Promise you'll do anything for me.

JOHN: _(Also in a deep voice) _Go make me a sandwich.

MORINTH: _(Eyes clear)_ That's never happened before. What are you?

JOHN: A hungry guy. Heyyyy… you're not sparkling.

MORINTH: I'm not what?

JOHN: Sparkling. Aren't all you Ardent Yoshis supposed to sparkle? _(Slaps his ear) _Jane, we got the wrong one!

MORINTH: Jane? What is going on?

_(SAMARA & JANE barge in the front door)_

SAMARA: Morinth!

MORINTH: Mother!

_(They attack one another. Various blustering goes on, but cannot be heard over the smashing of various knick knacks that MORINTH has spread over the room. Finally, the pair comes to a stand off, biotically blocking each other. JANE takes this opportunity to check on JOHN)_

JANE: Are you okay? Sorry we took so long, we had to beat up some muggers on the way here. Damn justicar code!

JOHN: Well I was fine until you two came in. I don't think this is your Asari, Jane. She doesn't sparkle. Well, now she's blue, but I don't think that counts.

SAMARA: Shepard! Help me!

JANE: How? I don't have any biotics, and Johnny here is only good if you want him to smash a hole in your wall.

SAMARA: Take her down; she can't defeat both of us!

MORINTH: You don't want to do that!

JANE & JOHN: We don't?

MORINTH: Let me join you instead! I look like my mother, and have more power!

JANE: I don't know. It's looking like you're about equal now.

SAMARA: We had a deal, Shepard!

JOHN: _(squats between the Asari, weighing the choice)_ Well, they're both hot. Hmm… MILF or Sparkles… MILF or Sparkles…

_(JANE takes the initiative and using JOHN as a propellant force, she kicks him into MORINTH's legs, knocking her over and giving SAMARA the advantage. Within seconds, SAMARA is standing up and MORINTH is … congealing … on the floor)_

JOHN: HEY! I hadn't decided!

JANE: I decided for you. We are not taking the space vampire that eats your brain. You may not have much to worry about, but I have some quite valuable bits up here! Samara, are you ok?

SAMARA: _(Covered in blood)_ I just killed the bravest and smartest of my daughters, dear. I will not be OK for some time.

JANE: Right. Let's get therapy started right away. You want to lock Kelly in a closet, or shall I?

SAMARA: We should return to the Normandy. You have other missions to complete.

_(They get back on the shuttle, board the Normandy and are on their way to the Citadel)_

**MEANWHILE, BACK ON OMEGA:**

BARTENDER: When are you leaving?

ZAEED: No idea. I'm the only one left. _(Staring menacingly at the despondent Expel 10 fan) _Are you gonna goddam finish that?


	17. Chapter 18: Action Movie Cliches 101

**Mock Effect 2**

**Chapter 18: Action Movie Clichés 101**

**INT: NORMANDY: CHAIRLESS MEETING ROOM: DAY**

_(JANE has brought the crew together for another meeting. Again, JOHN, GARRUS, GRUNT, & JACOB are swapping war stories)_

GRUNT: This is awesome. I have a whole list of enemies now.

JACOB: Like pirates?

GARRUS: Corrupt law enforcement?

JOHN: Chef Gardner!

GRUNT: Nah… Everybody hates him. He is beneath me. I'm making my own list. It's not big yet, but I'll be adding to it as I find worthy opponents.

JACOB: So who's on it right now?

GRUNT: Er… So far I have that blue suns lady. _(To Scoffing) _Hey, I was technically there, so I can check her off my list! Gatatog Uvenk. And that guy at computer station 3. I think he's spying on me.

_(MORDIN is having a discussion with KASUMI & TALI about technology)_

MORDIN: Cloaking software insufficient. Can still detect you with olfactory, auditory senses.

KASUMI: It was enough to get me into the safe of many a rich home. I used to leave a red rose, until Keiji told me how silly it was. Then I left his fingerprint…. Oh boy was he mad.

TALI: Keiji? Is that like Chittika? Though she's never talked to me. I wish she would sometime. She would probably say… but there I go again. Have I told you how she was built?

KASUMI: Keiji is my … dead boyfriend. He was captured… _(Sniffles)_

MORDIN: Unsurprising. Can improve your suit's cloaking particles so tragedy will not reoccur.

TALI: You should come down and tell me about him sometime. I can never get Scotty or Gabby away from their work anymore. It's almost like they're breaking things on purpose…

_(SAMARA is discussing past work with THANE)_

SAMARA: I was tracking Morinth through Kahje once. It would have been interesting had we met.

THANE: We did. _(Eyes roll back in his head as he relives the memory)_ My bedroom. I can smell sea breezes through my open window. My classmate interrupts my studies. "Come see" he says, "there is a naked Asari in the courtyard!" "I can't" I say, "I'm studying my facial expressions textbook." "You'll miss it," he cries, "skip the studying for once! You'll never need that later in life." _(Eyes return to normal)_ He was right. I think one facial expression is sufficient.

SAMARA: But I was not naked on my time in Kahje.

THANE: Your clothing was… revealing, as it is now, and young drell are very impressionable. The rumors of your lack of clothing were untrue, and the one who first claimed this was the case received much hardship for his lie. Drell memories can be a curse as well as a blessing.

SAMARA: My outfit is perfectly acceptable, dear. It's served me well these many years.

_(MIRANDA is trying to mend fences with JACK across the table)_

MIRANDA: I'm glad you were able to blow up that facility, I really am. It's a black mark on Cerberus' record. Your resolution of your inner conflicts is better for the mission.

JACK: Don't go all therapist on me, cheerleader. I've killed more psychiatrists than I remember.

MIRANDA: And how does that make you feel?

JANE: _(Hurriedly)_ The meeting will come to order!

_(They quiet down, and JANE opens KELLY's list of urgent missions)_

JANE: Alright, we've completed Miranda's relocation of her sister.

MIRANDA: I am ready to focus on the mission. And the reports. You can't have enough reports.

JANE: Jacob has dealt with his father's insanity.

JACOB: I'm working past it, Commander. Soon I will be able to face the tragic facts.

JOHN: In other news, we're out of booze again.

JANE: Really, Jacob? Let the rest of us get a shot in!

_(JANE chortles. There is utter silence. They look at her puzzled)_

JANE: Shot? Alcohol? You guys are a tough crowd... Jack, you're at ease since we nuked that planet?

JACK: As much as I F****** can be. You sure we can't go fry TIM?

JANE: The writers won't let us. Something about continuity.

JACK: Can we fry the writers?

JANE: If only. Grunt, Mordin, how are you doing?

GRUNT: I have Krantt, Kin, and enemies to fight, battlemaster.

MORDIN: Relieved. Never settled. Will focus on work. Could cure Joker's condition, but would render him mute. He would not accept treatment. Would like to take moment to encourage crew about safe sexual practices. Protection should be wo-

JANE: _(Clears throat)_ Moving on, Samara, are you feeling better? I know that your loyalty mission was particularly heart-wrenching.

JOHN: And head-smashing. Yech.

SAMARA: I am at peace. Due in no small part to you.

JANE: Well, um, thanks. It's nice to be recognized. _(Pointed glance at the rest of the crew)_ Next up, I think Garrus & Thane have missions on the Citadel. Anyone else want to come along?

TALI: I want to join you, Shepard! I haven't left the engine room! There is so much I want to learn!

JANE: Anyone … else? Where did Zaeed go?

JOHN: No idea. I volunteer to stay here and keep the ship clean! It needs a good waxing!

JANE: Oh no you don't. If I have to go through it, you do. Garrus, you come with Tali, John, and I. Thane, we'll call for you when we've finished.

**EXT: CITADEL: ZAKHERA WARD: LEVEL 26: TRANSIT STATION**

_(GARRUS, TALI, JANE & JOHN walk down an alleyway. They pause before opening the door.)_

JANE: Alright Garrus, just who are we meeting here?

GARRUS: His name is Fade. He helps people disappear. Sidonis was seen with him.

JANE: And what are you going to do once you find him?

GARRUS: I'm going to deal with his betrayal, and try to move past the loss of my ten friends.

JOHN: No no no no no. You have no idea how to handle this.

GARRUS: What are you talking about? I survived on Omeg…

JOHN: _(Interrupting)_ You're saying it all wrong. We're on a revenge quest, right?

GARRUS: Correct.

JOHN: And we're badasses, right?

_(JANE snorts and Tali coughs but GARRUS is getting enthusiastic)_

GARRUS: Right!

JOHN: Then we can't go in there to "resolve our feelings"! We have to go in there to kick some major butt!

GARRUS: RIGHT! _(Puzzled) _So what are you saying?

JOHN: You're phrasing this all wrong. You lost ten buddies, right? All because of Sidonis?

GARRUS: _(Growls)_ yes.

JOHN: So the way real badasses say that is _(Gravelly voice)_ "He owes me ten lives, I plan to collect"

GARRUS: _(Level voice)_ He owes me ten lives, I will collect them.

JOHN: No! Gravelly voice! It makes you even more menacing!

TALI: _(Whispering to JANE)_ If you're an idiot…

JOHN: And say it like I said it! Would you girls quit giggling over there?

GARRUS: _(Gravelly voiced and glaring)_ He owes me ten lives, and I plan to collect.

JOHN: Perfect!

_(They finally enter the room, and a VOLUS comes out from behind some boxes with a pair of Krogan bodyguards. They appear bored.)_

VOLUS: Which one of you wants to disappear?

GARRUS: I'd rather see you make someone reappear.

VOLUS: That's not a service we provide.

GARRUS: _(Unholstering and aiming his pistol at the smaller alien) _Make an exception, just this once.

JOHN: Great follow through.

GARRUS: Thanks!

VOLUS: Quick! Shoot them! Shoot them, you lumbering mountains!

KROGAN 1: _(Almost follows orders, but turns to the VOLUS instead)_ Why do you have to be so abusive all the time? We've stuck our neck out for you many times, and it's always "You blithering idiots, you shot my contact!" or "you incompetent buffoons, you can't do anything right!" Now we're about to kill for you, and you can't even say please?

VOLUS: _(Weakly)_ please?

KROGAN 2: He didn't mean it.

VOLUS: I did! I did.

KROGAN 1: You know, I don't believe it either. The second we kill these people, it'll be "How come they got so close to me, what do I pay you for?" and more haranguing. I'm done. I quit.

KROGAN 2: Me too. The money's not worth it. Let's go see if we can catch a fish in the Presidium.

_(The VOLUS watches them go, and his shoulders slump)_

JANE: It would seem you're without another option. Care to answer his questions?

VOLUS: I can't. Even if I wanted to. I'm not Fade.

GARRUS: _(Baby talk)_ Then maaaaybeeee you couldums tell us wear he weally is?

JOHN: Tone it down a little. The mocking was good, but the baby talk could weaken your position.

VOLUS: He's over in the factory district. _(Maliciously)_ Surrounded by Blue Suns. You'll never get close! Harkin's way too smart for you!

_(JANE & GARRUS turn to him in disbelief)_

JANE: The drunk pervert Harkin?

GARRUS: The incompetent fool?

VOLUS: You know him? Er… I may have overstated his abilities. Yeah… he's Fade. He got kicked out of C-sec but still has access to their systems.

JANE: Let me guess, no one over there has bothered to change the password?

GARRUS: When I was there, the password was "Password."

VOLUS: So that's why he can still get in!

JANE: Sounds like we need to go have a chat with him…

GARRUS: You chat all you want. I'll be too busy attacking his thorax.

JOHN: What's a thorax?

TALI: A Thorax is a creature's midsection, where it keeps it's vital organs. Stomach, Liver, Kidneys, that sort of thing.

JOHN: You should use human anatomy. It sounds cooler. How about "too busy thumping his kidneys"?

_(After all agreeing that this one liner was far superior, they hail a cab and go over to the Factory District. They are greeted by HARKIN and several guards who are not pleased to see them. HARKIN flees. The guards, deciding discretion is the better part of valor, follow quickly.)_

**EXT: CITADEL: FACTORY DISTRICT**

_(The fleeing guards seem to have spread the word about the Shepards' arrival, and no attacks take place, leaving JANE, JOHN, GARRUS, & TALI to wander about the warehouses looking for their prey. Per the course, TALI breaks the silence.)_

TALI: I never got used to the quiet you aliens seem to enjoy so much. When I was on the flotilla, it was so noisy that it was an effort to hear what someone next to you was saying. And let me tell you, these suits do not hide body odor…

JANE: _(Gracious)_ Well I'm glad you're here with us instead. I think. What is it you can do exactly? Are engines the only place we can use you?

_(Before TALI can answer, they reach a raised bridge. As they approach it, it descends, revealing an impressive array of mercenaries and several "Big Daddy" YMIR mechs. The arrogant leader addresses them as they dive for cover behind several opportune crates.)  
><em>

MERC LEADER: We've got you now. There's no need to be putting any holes in your armor before we kill you!

GARRUS: _(Shouts over crate) _Oh yeah? Well, at least we have room for our testicles in ours!

JOHN: _(Whispering, behind a crate on the other side with TALI, who's fiddling with her omni tool) _Dude, that's balls.

GARRUS: Say what? They're not the same thing?

JOHN: Eh… Balls sound cooler. Testicles sounds like tests, which aren't fun.

GARRUS: I see. _(To MERC LEADER) _ I wish to revise my statement. That would be "Balls" not testicles. Also, your mother was a Batarian whore! _(JOHN gives him a thumbs up)_

MERC LEADER: Ok, that does it. Let's blow these morons away. Start the Big Daddies! What th-?

_(As the MERC LEADER starts the heavy duty robots, he is shocked when they begin to open fire on his troops instead of the enemy. His shock does not last long. A short while later, after the robots have destroyed one another, JANE & TALI peek out)_

TALI: That.

JANE: What?

TALI: That is what I can do. Hacking is something I'm inherently good at. Remember the data I pulled off a Geth that saved the citadel?

JANE: Oh yes. Good work, Tali.

JOHN: Aw, Man… I wanted to get a headshot!

GARRUS: Those nuclear meltdowns are impressive.

JANE: Let's keep moving!

_(They make their way further into the warehouse, never more grateful for Bioware's predilection for creating gauntlet maps. They reach a tiny office at the rear of the factory. Within lurks FADE, better known to our heroes as HARKIN, a former C-Sec officer with no sense of decorum. Seeing them enter, he backs away, but encounters the business end of GARRUS & TALI's weapons and revises his plans)_

HARKIN: Well what do you know? It's my friends the Shepard twins!

JOHN: _(Growling) _We're not here for us.

GARRUS: I'm looking for someone.

HARKIN: Well, you found him. I understand a woman's got needs and all, but can't you let the Commander talk for herself?

_(JOHN Snarls and GARRUS belts HARKIN, knocking him down)_

JANE: That must have hurt. I might have stopped it, but you're not being very polite.

TALI: What does that have to do with anything? And what did he mean? Who doesn't have needs?

JANE: I'll explain later. Let's let the boys work.

GARRUS: You helped a friend of mine disappear. I want to find him. He.. er… owes me money.

HARKIN: Allowing for the fact that you have friends… which one? The way I heard it, they made you disappear into Omega!

JOHN: Well, he's back, and he's badder than ever.

GARRUS: Didn't you see the scars? _(To JOHN) _ I thought these were automatically intimidating.

JOHN: Well, it might help if we got you some armor that wasn't robin's egg blue. It lessens the effect.

HARKIN: I would be impressed.

TOGETHER: Nobody asked you!

HARKIN: Alright alright. Sheesh. Which one?

GARRUS: Sidonis, a filthy no good turian. He betr… owes me a lot of money.

HARKIN: Him? That's all? You're not here about the smuggling, illegal identities, the army of blue suns?

JANE: We have bigger problems. Though now that you mention it…

HARKIN: _(Rapidly)_ Why don't we get that number for you… _(Dials on office hologram that is some sort of desktop/videophone)_ Hey, Sid, old buddy, old pal! Seems I screwed up on your ID's. They say you're a human named Anders with an arson rap on his record. Can't have that, now can we? I have some fresh ones for you, but you'll need to meet up with my representatives. _(Listens)_ Yeah. They'll be there soon. Ok. Love ya, man. See ya around! _(Closes call)_ Front of the ice cream place. That good enough?

GARRUS: I don't think so. You're a criminal now, Harkin.

HARKIN: You can't kill me! It's not a paragon action! Did Terminus change you that much?

GARRUS: I'm not going to kill you, but I don't see the problem with slowing you down a little…

_(GARRUS aims his pistol at HARKIN's knee, but has his shot deflected by JANE, who looks reprovingly at him)_

JANE: You don't need to shoot him. He won't be able to hide from C-sec now.

HARKIN: I always knew you had a thing for me, sweet cheeks. Thanks for the resc—

_(JANE whirls, and taking GARRUS' weapon, blasts both of HARKIN's kneecaps, crippling him)_

HARKIN: What the hell? Oh, the pain! _(Falls unconscious, and the team walks slowly away)_

JANE: Nobody calls me sweet cheeks, buster.

GARRUS: I was only going to shoot one!

**_(TIME WARP)_ EXT: CITADEL: ZAKHERA WARD: IN FRONT OF ICE CREAM PARLOR**

JANE: Garrus, are you sure you have to do this? I mean, he may have had his reasons…

GARRUS: for disclosing the location of my hideout to not one, not two, but three gangs, and allowing ten close friends to be butchered?

JANE: Er… maybe not. Still I think you should talk to him.

JOHN: These things can't be settled with talking, Jane. Blood for blood. Wound for wound. Strike for strike!

TALI: I thought you were going to just shoot him once in the head?

GARRUS: We really don't have time to get exactly even. But his death will make me relax a bit.

JOHN: So we're distracting him, and you're gonna go for a headshot?

GARRUS: Yes. I'm going to climb onto that convenient ledge over there.

_(JANE & the others get out and mingle in front of the ice cream store. Three heavily armed soldiers are out of the ordinary, and they are given elbow room. TALI spots a lone turian sitting on a bench, looking jumpy. JOHN waves him over.)_

SIDONIS: Well, hurry up. I don't want to be associated with an arson charge. I'll bet the guy is a cat person too. Just my luck.. damn Fade…

JOHN: This will only take a minute

JANE: Sidonis, why did you betray Garrus on Omega?

_(SIDONIS blinks… then laughs at JANE)_

SIDONIS: That's good. You almost got me. Who's Sidonis? Garrus? I've never been to Omega.

JOHN: Jane! Look over there! Some guy just stole that kid's ice cream!

_(Jane turns to see, and doesn't spot anyone, until she hears the crack of a rifle shot in the distance. Realizing what JOHN has done, she spins to punch him, nearly tripping over a now defunct SIDONIS)_

JANE: YOU SON OF A B****! I'm in command here! You do what I say! You don't let civilians get headshot!

JOHN: Hey, don't call mom that! And it's done now! Ha ha!

_(JANE chases him into the crowds. TALI and GARRUS meet up at the taxi and wait for them to hash it out)_

TALI: Sooo, that's that then?

GARRUS: I can move on now.

TALI: Move on where?

GARRUS: Not sure. We are on a suicide mission, after all.

TALI: Why does everyone keep saying that?

GARRUS: I got it. "To Hell and back"

TALI: Huh?

GARRUS: That's where I'm headed. _(Growls) _To Hell and back! Sounds impressive, right?

TALI: If you say so. _(Shakes her head)_

_(They wait patiently for about an hour, and the SHEPARDS return. JOHN has a black eye and is holding his side. JANE has a split lip.)_

JANE: Tali, come with me. I'm going to go get Thane, and come back to get these boys if they haven't been arrested yet.

_(A short walk to the teleporter later, TALI is on the NORMANDY, and THANE has joined the party. After retrieving the pair of renegades, they walk to the smartest place to go after having committed murder: the police station. CAPTAIN BAILEY addresses them)_

**INT**: **CITADEL: ZAKHERA WARD: POLICE STATION**: **DAY**

BAILEY: Commander Shepard! How are you? Another short visit? _(Anxious look at Garrus)_

JANE: Actually, we've been here a few hours. Do you have a moment to help us with a problem?

BAILEY: At the moment I'm swamped. I have a murder over in front of a local shop, a former officer who's been knee-capped twice, and a horde of Krogan demanding that we put fish in the presidium lake. How long did you say you'd been on the station?

JOHN: A couple hours. And we spent most of that out in the boonies.

BAILEY: Garrus, do you always carry that sniper rifle?

GARRUS: Of course. It sounds like I could use it, what with all those foul crimes being committed.

BAILEY: _(Suspiscious)_ Hmm… yes… And you guys don't know anything about a sniper shooting a turian recently off Omega?

_(JANE, JOHN, & GARRUS all look away nervously, but are rescued by a timely thought from THANE)_

THANE: Sir, with respect, your security is a sham. I could exploit no fewer than 23 flaws in the setup to enter the station with a weapon. To be honest, the only thing your security has accomplished is longer lines.

BAILEY: And who are you? Have you been past my security before?

THANE: Thane Krios, security specialist, at your service. I am presently … on vacation … with Commander Shepard and her crew.

BAILEY: A Drell security guy? On vacation? With Shepard?

_(They all cringe, expecting BAILEY to have put things together, but after a moment of staring at them with a grimace, he opens his mouth in a large smile and offers THANE his hand)_

BAILEY: Welcome to the Citadel, Mr. Krios. Would you mind writing down these security problems? My memory doesn't do half of what it used to. You know how it is! _(Elbows THANE)_

THANE: Drell have instant memory recall. It extends over their entire period of their life.

BAILEY: You mean you can remember everything you ever did?

JOHN: And has no qualms repeating it word for boring word.

JANE: Johnny, be nice. Captain Bailey, Thane just has a quick question, and then we'll be out of your hair.

BAILEY: Oh, I was just playing with you back there. Like I really care about those things. Krogan marching? Happens every other week. Let the Presidium department handle it. The former officer has been breaking into our system to hide suspicious people. Good riddance. Ice cream shop shooting? Meh, I'll deal with it next week. Not going to catch the guy anyway. It's not like he'd show up in a police station! _(Laughs)_

_(JANE and GARRUS laugh weakly)_

THANE: I'm looking for my son. Has a drell passed through customs?

BAILEY: You're asking me, a low level officer on a tiny section of the citadel, if I can find one alien on the entire enormous complex?

THANE: Er… yes?

BAILEY: Well, lucky for you, I can. I can even tell you who he's been talking with.

GARRUS: That is impressive. Perhaps I should rejoin C-sec. These tools could be quite invaluable.

BAILEY: NO! Er.. that won't be necessary. They screw up all the time. Garbled conversations, incorrect profiles. Still the same old weak excuses and miscarriages of justice.

GARRUS: Oh. _(Disappointed)_

THANE: With whom was he speaking?

BAILEY: Mouse.

JOHN: A mouse? I hate mice. They steal my cheese.

JANE: I'm sure he had his reasons. Messenger, maybe?

BAILEY: No no no. Mouse is a human. It's his name.

_(JOHN breathes a sigh of relief. THANE looks puzzled)_

THANE: Mouse, you say? How odd. I knew a boy by that name at one time.

JOHN: Well let's go exterminate him! Ha. Did you guys get that? Exterminate instead of interrogate? He's a mouse?

_(GARRUS starts to laugh, but looks at JANE's Face and thinks better of it.)_

**EXT: CITADEL: ZAKHERA WARD: LEVEL 28: NEAR LAME NIGHTCLUB**

_(They spot a young man using a public access terminal and approach him. JOHN charges in without waiting for JANE.)_

JOHN: What did you do with Thane's son? Well, punk?

THANE: I have a very particular set of skills, and unless you tell me where my son is, I will have to deploy them.

_(When the man doesn't immediately answer, they knock him to the ground and JOHN kicks him)_

GUY: Whoa whoa whoa! I have no idea who "Thane" is so please stop kicking me! _(JOHN does, briefly) _What the heck kind of skills are you talking about? You could be talking about crochet for all I know!

JANE: Excuse my overeager friends here. Are you Mouse?

GUY: Mouse? Oh! That's the guy over there on the other terminal studiously not looking at us. Jerk. After all the ducts I crawled through with him. I'm Pigeon. Stu to my friends. Which you're not.

JANE: Excuse us.

_(Leaving Mr. "Pigeon" to roost for himself, they walk across the aisle to Mr. "Mouse" who realizes they've switched targets a bit too late. JOHN approaches before JANE can grab him again, but "MOUSE" speaks up)_

MOUSE: Krios? You're dead! And Commander Shepard? You're dead too! I swear I was real nice this Christmas, don't kill me with your… ghosty powers!

JANE: We're not Ghosts.

THANE: And "Ghosty" is not a word, though I am impressed that you've kept up with your literary classics.

MOUSE: You're not ghosts? _(Sticks hand out as if to go through THANE. He breathes a huge sigh of relief when he hits his jacket) _You're not ghosts!

JOHN: Though you're going to be if you don't hurry up and tell us where his kid is!

MOUSE: I'd like to help you, Krios, You always done right by us. But I ain't gonna die for you!

THANE: "Am not going to" not, "Ain't gonna." You're right, I always DID right by you and the other duct rats.

MOUSE: You ain't changed _(THANE winces)_ a bit, Krios. But telling who hired that other Drell isn't worth my too-big-to-hide-in-the-ducts-anymore rear end.

JANE: We're going to find out, Mouse. Now, it can be from you, easy, or from someone else hard. I like things the easy way. And trust me, no one is going to get your name out of this. If you like, we can even make it look like we forced you to tell, in the event it does come to light.

MOUSE: Would you?

JOHN: With pleasure! _(Advances on Mouse)_

JANE: Wait till he tells us first!

MOUSE: Are you sure he's the guy to beat me up? He looks like he'll enjoy it.

JANE: He will. But he knows I'll kick his butt if he tries anything after I say stop.

MOUSE: OK. I handed him off to Elias Kelham.

THANE: Who?

MOUSE: A human gangster type. Got powerful after the big guys on the presidium got wiped out. Real nasty.

JANE: OK, John. No broken bones. Light bruising, enough for a genuine pained expression.

MOUSE: _(While JOHN proceeds to give him a knee to the unmentionables) _Thank… OW … you!

_(Once JOHN is done and MOUSE is groaning in a corner, they take the stairs back down to Capt. BAILEY's Office.)_

BAILEY: Well, what did he say?

JANE: He said the kid was hired by an "Elias Kelham"

BAILEY: _(Instantly) _Never heard of him.

GARRUS: Sir, you took an oath!

BAILEY: _(Sigh)_ Sorry, instinct. Elias is a touchy one. You see, we have an arrangement.

JANE: An arrangement?

BAILEY: Er… A peaceful solution if you will. I don't arrest him, and he keeps me from being dead. And poor. It's worked in the past.

GARRUS: Captain, how could you? I will have to rejoin C-sec to help you change your ways. Is that Ok, Shepard?

_(Before JANE can answer with an emphatic "Yes!" BAILEY beats her to the punch)_

BAILEY: There's no need to change your travel plans, Garrus! I've had a change of heart. I'll have Elias brought to an interrogation room. Just … don't mention my name? I like breathing.

_(A struggling figure is brought into an interrogation room nearby. Once he's in restraints, JANE, JOHN, and THANE enter. GARRUS follows BAILEY to help run interference)_

ELIAS: What's the big idea? Putting me in restraints? ME! Do you have any idea who I am?

JOHN: _(Gravelly Voice)_ We're the people you never want to meet. And we want to know something.

ELIAS: Oh, I'll tell you something all right. I have the best lawyer on the F****** Citadel. He's such a good lawyer that by tomorrow morning, you hicks are going to be working on F****** Noveria! Dress warm!

THANE: _(Impassive face)_ You hired a drell for an assassination. Who do you want killed?

ELIAS: Why don't you try sticking your head up your … whatever frog men have, and we'll see if it fits!

JANE: Come on, now, tell the truth. We're not after you, we want to catch the assassin.

ELIAS: I always tell the truth, even when I lie! Go bother somebody who gives a crap.

_(THANE stares at KELHAM, but the human doesn't budge. JOHN raises his fist to knock him a good one, but JANE is in the way, whispering something in KELHAM's ear)_

ELIAS: _(Face white) _I'll talk, I'll talk! I hired him to kill Joram Talid. That no good turian is muscling in on my business in the guise of "law & order" and I wanted him out of the way. Please don't let her near me again!

_(THANE & JOHN stare mystified at JANE, who merely smirks as she walks out of the interrogation room. Obtaining TALID's whereabouts from one of BAILEY's underlings, they take a squad car to the area.)_

**EXT: CITADEL: 800 BLOCKS**

JOHN: What did you say to him?

THANE: I must confess some curiosity in the answer to that myself.

JANE: I just made him an offer he couldn't refuse.

JOHN: But WHAT?

THANE: She's not going to tell us, is she?

JANE: Nope. How do you want to run this, Thane? Mr. Talid is over there.

THANE: I will follow him stealthily. You two climb up on the catwalk and keep an eye on him in case I have to duck out of the crowd. Benches are notoriously hard to see from.

_(They follow THANE's instructions, and wait patiently while he says a complicated prayer, then vanishes into the scenery. They spot TALID from the catwalks. He politely stays within range of the catwalks as he wanders around chatting up voters)_

JOHN: You sweet-talked him. You said he was handsome and we were ugly and mean, right?

JANE: _(Smiling)_ Nope.

JOHN: Then you threatened him?

JANE: Nope.

JOHN: Well which was it? There's not many other ways, unless you can read minds.

JANE: Nope, I'm not going to tell you. You'll have to live with the mystery.

THANE:_ (Over Radio)_ Would you two please focus? Where is he now?

JOHN: He's over in that bar, pretending to look innocent while his Krogan beats up on the barman. Or barwoman. I can't tell. Aren't you supposed to be watching him?

THANE: Thanks. Keep in touch!

_(Shrugging off THANE's vagueness they keep walking on opposite sides of the catwalk. JANE comes to a door and opens it, surprising a WORKER who's in the room)_

WORKER: What are you doing here?

JANE: What am I doing here?

WORKER: That's what I said!

JANE: Er… _(The need for explanation is removed when JOHN whacks him behind the head with a fire extinguisher)_ Thanks, Johnny. I was going to go with health inspector, but I don't know if he would have bought it.

JOHN: On the Citadel? A health inspector? I don't think so. Now you owe your life to me, and all I'm asking for is one thing. One little thing.

JANE: My life? From that guy? _(Snorts) _I'm not telling you what I said. _(Her further explanations are cut off by a clatter and a shot)_

_(They race forward, arriving in time to see an annoyed Krogan swearing at some kid who scratched his armor. Entering the house, they find KOLYAT holding a gun to TALID's head.)_

KOLYAT: Who are you people?

TALID: I don't care who you are, but if you stop this crazy drell, I will be very, very grateful!

_(THANE comes running in.)_

KOLYAT: Father?

THANE: Kolyat!

TALID: Help! Guy with gun to his head!

JOHN: Two guns, actually.

TALID: Crap. Is this about that drug deal?

KOLYAT: Quiet!

_(BAILEY miraculously appears with several C-Sec Officers & GARRUS)_

BAILEY: Put the gun down, son.

KOLYAT: I'm not your son, I'm his, and I don't know if I want to be even that! Now I'm walking out of here, and nobody get in my way, or the Turian gets it!

_(JANE, seeing JOHN's eyes alight at the prospect of doing something incredibly stupid, fires her weapon first. Her shot smashes a lamp behind KOLYAT, drawing his attention away for the split second necessary to get his gun away from him.)_

KOLYAT: What the? WHO are you people? Father? What's going on?

TALID: YOU want to know what's going on? Here I am, blissfully minding my own business when some crazy drell takes a potshot at me and then holds me hostage? And YOU! _(Points at JANE)_ Do you have any idea how much that lamp cost? It's a priceless antique!

JOHN: Apparently not TOO priceless. I can still shoot him if you want.

JANE: I got a better idea. Bailey, take this guy in. You've got three witnesses that will testify to him hiring a Krogan to hold up local business for protection money. And he said something about a drug deal.

BAILEY: Talid! Do you have any idea how much paperwork I'm going to have to do because of this? We had a deal! Book him, Danno.

OFFICER: Sir, for the 43rd time, my name is Horowitz, not Danno!

BAILEY: I said book him!

_(The disgruntled officer walks off with TALID protesting, leaving BAILEY, GARRUS, JANE, JOHN, KOLYAT, & THANE in the room)_

JANE: _(To THANE)_ What took you so long? _(Notices white powder on collar) _Is that Funnel Cake?

THANE: I'm dying. I calculated the extra calories wouldn't be too out of order. It's not my fault that the line was long.

JOHN: You mean, you were getting funnel cake while I was crawling around up there beating up stockboys?

THANE: That is what happened.

KOLYAT: What? You're dying? Is that why you've decided to come find me? To assuage your conscience after abandoning me when my mother died?

THANE: _(Discreetly brushing off collar as he turns to KOLYAT) _ Your Mother – they killed her to get to me. It was my fault.

KOLYAT: What?

THANE: After her body was committed to the deep, I went to find them. The trigger men. The ringleaders. I hurt them. Eventually killed them. _(The Humans collectively wince)_ When I came back to see you, you were – older. I should have stayed with you.

GARRUS: The gangster purge of '75? That was you? I should shake your hand!

JANE: Quiet, Garrus.

BAILEY: Let's give these boys some peace and quiet. How about I give you a ride over to the station and you borrow a room until you're ready?

JOHN: He's not arresting us?

JANE: I'm more interested in how he found us.

BAILEY: Garrus heard where you were going through his communicator.

JANE: _(To JOHN) _I told you to turn that off!

JOHN: And have Garrus miss out on the fun interrogation?

GARRUS: Incidentally, what did you whisper to Elias Kelham? It seemed to have quite the effect on him.

_(JANE ignores him and walks outside to catch the next cab back to the station. BAILEY and the rest follow.)_

**(TIME WARP) INT: CITADEL: ZAKHERA WARD: POLICE STATION**

_(Several hours later, JANE, GARRUS, & JOHN are sitting around in BAILEY's office. He's done some checking up on THANE's story and has some impressive results)_

BAILEY: … and the lead suspect was a drell, but we never caught him.

JANE: Gee, really?

JOHN: Sounds like someone so badass arresting him would be seriously bad form.

GARRUS: Maybe he's changed?

BAILEY: I'll make you a deal. You go off and complete your mission _(JANE notes desperation in his eyes) _and I won't arrest him.

JANE: _(Rolls her eyes) _Your generosity knows no bounds.

_(Further conversation is cut off by the emergence of THANE)_

JOHN: How'd it go?

THANE: I've been talking to my long lost son whom I abandoned at a young age to pursue my career as an assassin, the same career that left him without a mother. It will take some time.

BAILEY: Listen, it's not something I want to make a big deal out of, but your boy shot some people.

JANE: He shot AT one Krogan. Whose armor was barely scratched. You could maybe get him on an attempted charge, but nothing beyond that. What you did get was a corrupt politician and a gangster who won't trust his own mother for a few years, making is career highly likely to implode. Kolyat is nothing to you.

BAILEY: Well what am I going to do with him? I can't just let him go.

JANE: Look at this desk. It's a mess. You need a personal assistant.

BAILEY: That's organized clutter. I don't need an assistant. And besides, C-sec can't afford it.

JANE: Oh don't worry, it's on me. I'm sure Garrus would love to help.

BAILEY: You wouldn't.

JANE: I just did.

GARRUS: Just did what?

BAILEY: Thane, I've decided I've taken a liking to your son. Would you mind if I kept him here as my personal assistant and protégé?

THANE: I would be honored.

JOHN: Ha! I see what you did there!

GARRUS: did where?

BAILEY: There's just one thing I want to know before you go…

_(GARRUS, JOHN, & THANE look on expectantly, hoping BAILEY's influence will release the answer)_

BAILEY: … What did you say to Kelham?

_(Without further ado, JANE whistles a merry tune and turns around heading for the cab station. Within 45 minutes the NORMANDY is out exploring the galaxy again)_

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Bailey & Jane's crew may never know what she whispered in his ear, but we have the blessing of omniscient perspective, and I've decided to treat you all to the solution of the mystery that irked John & the rest so much)**

ELIAS: I always tell the truth, even when I lie! Go bother somebody who gives a crap.

_(JANE leans down and whispers in his ear)_

JANE: You think you're a tough guy, eh? I'll bet everyone in your gang is scared to mess with you. Well, if you don't tell us what we want to know, I will erase every ounce of respect you ever had. So much so the poorest underling will chortle when he sees you go by. I have a Master thief on my crew who could plant evidence in minutes that you are none other than the author of that infamous series of tween fiction that's about sparkling ardat-yakshis. You know, the Asari sex vampires? And I have an ancient Asari who will swear to it, not to mention an expert hacker who can plant rough drafts on your omni-tool. Your reputation won't be worth the time to flush it down the toilet. Your move. _(JANE backs away, smiling evilly)_

ELIAS: _(Face white) _I'll talk, I'll talk! […] Please don't let her near me again!


	18. Chapter 19: Shepard's 2 and a half

**Mock Effect 2**

**Chapter 19: Shepard's 2 (And a Half)**

**INT: NORMANDY: ENGINEERING DECK**

_(JANE SHEPARD quietly exits the elevator, and tip-toes to the port storage bay. She is attempting to find where ZAEED MASSANI has disappeared to. His room is empty, and he does not appear to be anywhere else on the ship. She almost makes it to the elevator before a familiar voice captures her attention)_

TALI: Shepard! I'm so glad you came! I've received horrible news!

JANE: _(Resignedly)_ and what might that be?

TALI: I've been accused of treason!

JANE: Oh no! What for?

TALI: Well… they didn't say. Just that I should come home if I wanted in on the trial.

JANE: In on the trial? You mean they'd go on without you?

TALI: Yes! And if I'm not there, they could easily banish me from the flotilla!

JANE: _(Mutters) _And I'd be stuck with you forever… _(Aloud)_ I mean you'd be stuck with me forever.

TALI: Thanks for trying to cheer me up, Shepard, but I really want to go take care of this! I can't imagine what would lead to this charge!

JANE: I don't know, Tali, what would I have to do?

TALI: Become my lawyer and deal with three power crazed judges and a massive tide of public opinion? You know, Quarians are like a family, these trials are like family meetings, and not the fun "we're-going-to-Disney-planet" kind. And try getting a word in edgewise! It's impossible! I sometimes think I talk too much, but these people make me look like a mute!

JANE: _(Weakly)_ More talkative than you? _(Hits her Slap radio on her ear and looks intently behind TALI) _Urgent, you say? We'll be right there! I've got to go Tali!

TALI: But what about my mission?

JANE: _(Stepping inside elevator)_ What?

**INT: NORMANDY: CREW DECK**

_(She rides up to the Crew Deck and opens KASUMI's door. KASUMI is reading a book)_

KASUMI: So that's what happened to Captain Anderson. No wonder he wanted a human Spectre!

JANE: Come with me. We're doing your mission now.

KASUMI: Now?

JANE: Right now. I've only got so long before Tali recovers her wits. You don't want to end up on the Flotilla, do you? _(To herself) _More talkative than Tali? _(Shivers)_

_(They walk to the shuttle bay, carefully avoiding engineering. They turn on the shuttle and exit the Normandy, headed for Bekenstein)_

**INT: SHUTTLE: FLYING OVER BEKENSTEIN**

JANE: So what is your mission, after all?

KASUMI: Did I get a chance to explain grayboxes?

JANE: Nope.

KASUMI: Have I talked about Keiji yet?

JANE: Briefly. I wasn't really paying attention.

KASUMI: Did I mention Donovan Hock?

JANE: You said you had a mission, not three hours of exposition. What do you need me to do?

KASUMI: Break into a vault and steal a neural upgrade…

JANE: Well that doesn't sound too ha…

KASUMI: From the psychotic mass murderer who put it there after extracting it from my boyfriend's skull.

JANE: …rd. Damn. Do I look like an issues magnet? Because I feel like one. I half expect the entire crew to come to me and say their parents have been captured by sand people.

_(There is a noise in the backseat and a bleary eyed JOHN SHEPARD sticks his head into the front)_

JOHN: Sand people? Where? Kill them all!

KASUMI: Have you noticed your scars are getting worse? Is that a crack in your skin or an abnormal red glow?

JANE: Idiot. What are you doing back there? I thought I'd get a break for once!

JOHN: I was … er… cleaning the leather seats. Can't have moisture setting in, now can we?

JANE: Riiight. _(To KASUMI) _Do you have a plan?

KASUMI: An extraordinary one as a matter of fact. We're going to sneak in during a party.

JANE: Uh huh. And just how are we getting IN to this party?

KASUMI: You're invited. Well, John is, anyway.

JOHN: What? Invited to a party is cool. Whose?

JANE: Donovan Hock's. How are we invited already? I just said we'd go not ten minutes ago.

KASUMI: Hey, I don't write this stuff.

JOHN: THE Donovan Hock? Oh wow. I am such a fan of his! Did you hear what he did to that Volus planet that shortchanged him? I have it right here in my copy of Badass weekly…. Hey, what's my picture doing in here? I look awesome!

KASUMI: Er… I may have taken a few preliminary steps… like giving you a reputation. And buying party clothes.

JANE & JOHN: Party clothes?

_(A few moments later, having changed into the "Party Clothes." JANE resumes her seat.)_

JANE: Now I know why I wear armor most of the time. Is that hemline where I think it is?

JOHN: Do I have to wear a tie? I hate ties.

KASUMI: No ties. But we're getting close, so listen up. I've got a gift for Hock stored in the back of the shuttle. A statue of your old friend Saren. We're going to present it to him as tribute before the party.

JOHN: That's nuts. He'll figure it out in half a minute. Haven't you heard of the Trojan Alligator?

JANE: Huh?

JOHN: You know, where those dudes hid inside that giant alligator? And then when they got taken inside the city, they burned it down?

JANE: I think it was a horse.

JOHN: Whatever. Point is, you present it to him, he'll catch on. Better to hand it off to a flunky. They'll stick it down by the vault door for some other flunky to put away.

JANE: What are you, Solomon the wise now? We're doing this my way.

KASUMI: _(Sheepishly)_ Actually, Shepard, you probably should do things his way. He's the one invited to the party. I kind of started on this plan before you picked me up, and I thought he was still in charge.

JANE: Perfect, just perfect.

**EXT: BEKENSTEIN: HOCK ESTATE: COURTYARD**

_(They land safely in a nicely arranged courtyard. Upon exiting their shuttle, they are greeted by a man holding a clipboard)_

MAN: Are you on the list?

JOHN: _(Overconfident) _Are we on the list?

JANE: _(Nervous, to KASUMI) _Are we on the list?

KASUMI: You're on the list.

MAN: And your name is?

JOHN: Er…. Gun. Umm… Solomon Gun.

MAN: Hmm. You don't look like your picture. Wrong end of a flamethrower?

JOHN: Never try to create napalm in a confined area. Especially while smoking your birthday Cuban.

MAN: _(Bored) _Delightful. But I'm afraid you will have to leave your companion outside. You're only entitled to plus 1. Not plus 2. Not plus 3. One. O-N-E. I am so tired of explaining this. I don't care if they're both your girlfriends whom you brought at great expense. Only ONE is going in.

JOHN: What? Eww! This is my sister… J … _(Rethinks)_ Annoya. Yep that's us, Solomon and Annoya Gun. _(To KASUMI) _Kid, keep her running, will ya? We're going to go enjoy this party. _(Tosses her the keys)_

JANE: Not so fast. We should give more detailed instructions.

MAN: Whatever. Just so long as you don't try sneaking her in under a sheet. A ghost, my tired tuchus! _(He walks away)_

KASUMI: Don't worry, I can cloak and sneak in that way. How did you know the alias I picked for you?

JOHN: _(Without comprehension) _Alias? I loved that show. Wait, you're not going to keep the shuttle running?

KASUMI: I sent it back to the Normandy. This has to look like you're really badasses like Hock.

JOHN: Right! Awesome!

JANE: Let's go find that vault.

_(They walk in. JANE & KASUMI walk to the back of the room, then slip downstairs when no one is looking to a likely looking door, where sure enough, a flunky has placed their statue)_

JANE: So what are we looking at?

KASUMI: Hmm. This is top of the line. We'll need a voice and a DNA sample, and we need to get this grid down somehow. Let me know if you find a power conduit

JOHN: _(Over radio)_ Guys! Hey, Guys! These drinks cost money! A credit apiece! And that's the cheap ones! What kind of badass pays for drinks?

JANE: John, where are you?

JOHN: Over here. Near a bunch of books. Who buys books these days?

_(JANE finds JOHN upstairs in a small alcove beside a small statue, a drink in his hand)_

JANE: I thought you said badasses didn't pay for drinks.

JOHN: I didn't pay for it. I stole it off that guy in the purple bathrobe.

JANE: Don't get into any fights, please! We need to find a power conduit.

KASUMI: _(Over Radio)_ That's the conduit there beside you.

JANE: What, the statue?

KASUMI: Behind it.

JANE: Oh. _(Grabs JOHN's drink and pours it on the wiring behind the statue. When people look at them oddly, they point at the man in the purple bathrobe_)

KASUMI: That did it. Let's go into the security room. How do you want to gain access?

JOHN: I have an idea.

_(While initially skeptical, the simplicity of JOHN's plan appeals to her and she goes along with it. Fulfilling her role, she knocks on the door)_

SECURITY GUY 1: Who is it?

JOHN: Pizza Delivery.

SECURITY GUY 2: But we didn't order any!

JOHN: Care of the boss!

SECURITY GUY 1: Really? Let's open the door!

SECURITY GUY 2: Wait a sec, what if it's Chief Roe busting us?

SECURITY GUY 1: Are you with Chief Roe?

JOHN: No. Open the dang door!

SECURITY GUY 2: Alright already!

_(The Door opens, and the two security personnel look at them confused_)

SECURITY GUY 1: You're not the normal guy. Who are you?

SECURITY GUY 2: More importantly, who's the babe?

_(While they are talking, KASUMI uncloaks behind them and conks their heads together. They fall like a couple of potato sacks. JANE searches the room.)_

KASUMI: Aha! Our password for the day is "Perrugia." Brought to you by lousy-memories-'r'-us.

JANE: So what do I have to do?

KASUMI: Well, you need to get him talking, and somehow get the syllables "Pe" "Ru" & "Jah"

JOHN: That sounds like a lot of work.

JANE: I have an easier solution.

_(Moments later, JANE is arguing with JOHN in the middle of the dining area. This quickly draws the attention of the guests, as well as their host. HOCK himself comes to find out what is going on)_

JOHN: I'm telling you, they can! They just focus on the martial skills.

JANE: _(Snort)_ If you used your heads, you wouldn't NEED martial skills!

HOCK: _(In a thick Scot – South African accent) _Jes' Wha' I' goin' on heure?

JANE: What? Do you speak English? What IS that accent?

HOCK: _(Drops accent)_ I'm not really sure. The writers told me that it would add an air of mystery, and German seemed too cliché. Italian and French were too silly. So I went for a mixture of South African and Scottish, but it doesn't sound like either does it?

JOHN: Not really. German would have worked.

HOCK: But enough about my corny writing. Why are you two fighting at my party?

JOHN: She says that us badasses ain't smart enough. That we don't remember history.

HOCK: Does she now? Well we can clear that right up. Ask me questions. Any you like.

JANE: Who was Ezio Auditorium?

HOCK: You mean Ezio Auditore Da Firenze. And he was the Assassin Mentor who milked a one game deal into three consecutive storylines. Oh, and was personally responsible for the Disaster of Constantinople.

JANE: Hm.. So you've been reading your gamer's history of the world lately. Here's a tougher one. Who stole the Mona Lisa in 1911?

HOCK: Of course I know this one. That would be Vincenzo Perrugia _(He rolls the R's, enjoying himself)_ claiming it belonged to his country of birth. Not that he didn't mind making a little profit off his friend's copies first.

JANE: You know your stuff all right. How did you get time to study with all your missions?

HOCK: It isn't easy. It takes a lot of effort to present the "cultivated villain" approach. Hopefully my having this party sends out the message that I'm not afraid of anyone stupid enough to step up to me.

_(JANE, having got her answer, is now looking for an exit opportunity, but HOCK charges on, attracting the crowd's attention.)_

HOCK: People these days want comfort, entertainment, love. They don't see that the galaxy is fragile. They only have to worry about simple luxuries. Why? Because people like me – and you – are doing the terrible things that keep the Galaxy spinning. This party is for us. The cleaners. The support structure for the Galaxy's gleeful delusions of peace. May there always be a market for the things we do. _(Applause)_

JANE: How long have you been waiting to make that speech?

HOCK: All night. You have no idea how hard it is to get a word in edgewise with these types! Worse than that deal with the Quarians… Have a drink on the house. Thank you for the opportunity.

JANE: No, thank _you_.

_(As villains are wont to do, HOCK misses the double meaning of JANE's polite departure. JANE & JOHN then walk over to SECURITY OFFICER SAMUELS to gain access to HOCK's bedroom)_

JOHN: We need to get in there.

SAMUELS: Do you have authorization?

JOHN: _(Incredulous)_ Do WE have authorization?

JANE: _(rolls her eyes in mock horror) _Do WE have authorization?

SAMUELS: That's what I said. So do you?

JOHN: Do we what?

SAMUELS: Have authorization?

JANE: Authorization for what?

SAMUELS: For entering Mr. Hock's quarters. You two are really confusing. I better check with Chief Roe

_(They stand nervously, hoping KASUMI can pull off her role. SAMUELS puts his hand to his ear)_

SAMUELS: Chief Roe… this is er…. Samuels. Um … sorry to bother you ma'am, but um… do the Gun people have access to um… Mr. Hock's private quarters?

KASUMI: _(On radio, masquerading as ROE)_ They have access. Stop bothering me, Samuels!

SAMUELS: _(Ecstatic)_ She knows my name! Of course she was talking in a really high voice and sounded YEARS younger, but she knows my name! _(Frowns) _That might be a bad thing. Oh crap. I got to think about this. You guys can go in.

_(SAMUELS is so distraught over this new development that he doesn't notice as JANE holds the door open a little longer than necessary so KASUMI can get in)_

KASUMI: All right, we're looking for DNA samples, so start digging! I'll start with the antique weapons.

JANE: I'll check the table over here.

JOHN: I'll check that safe on the wall. _(They both turn to look at him)_ What? He may have left DNA on his money!

_(JANE, finding nothing of use at the table, turns to the bed. Getting a couple skin flakes off the pillows, she notices something odd about the alarm clock)_

JANE: Who sets their alarm for 3 AM?

KASUMI: Oh. Ha. That was me. An old habit from my mansion robbing days. Loads of fun if the video monitors were still hooked up.

JANE: So YOU'RE the one? I thought it was John!

JOHN: _(Arm deep in the couch)_ Me what?

KASUMI: Sorry. I stopped doing it after you threw it into the wall.

JOHN: Aha! A credit chit!

JANE: Just don't do it again. Would this help? _(Holds up mini-computer with fingerprints all over it)_

KASUMI: I think we have enough.

_(They waltz out, passing SAMUELS, and going down the stairs to the strangely unguarded passageway. KASUMI works her magic, and the elevator door opens.)_

JANE: So where did you put our armor?

KASUMI: In the statue. Your guns are in there too.

JOHN: Bianca! How I've missed you!

_(In a lightning fast change the cut-scene doesn't quite explain, they switch over to armor and ride the elevator downstairs. HOCK's vault is indeed impressive)_

JANE: Is that a… What is that?

JOHN: Old stuff.

JANE: I know it's old stuff, but this collection is exquisite. Kasumi, hold up a second, let's explo—_(an alarm cuts off JANE's idea)_

KASUMI: Sorry. I have the new guns! _(Tosses one to each of them)_

JOHN: Oooh! I shall call you Leeloo. When will I get a chance to use you on something…

_(Fate deals JOHN a break and an enormous head is suddenly projected over them. It's DONOVAN HOCK doing his best "Wizard of Oz" impression.)_

HOCK: I am the great and powerful Hock! Did you really think you could steal from me?

JANE: Uh, yes. Notice we're standing in your vault? The super impenetrable one?

HOCK: _(With JOHN eerily echoing below)_ Heheh… Impenetrable.

JANE: Men! Come on Kasumi.

HOCK: Not so fast, Ms. Goto. I need your graybox, and I'm willing to kill you to get it.

JOHN: You mean there's another way to get at it? Why didn't you use it on her boyfriend? Then he could tell you how to use it! Torture smart, man!

HOCK: I lied. There's really only one way to get it. But it sounds very dramatic to offer another way don't you think?

JOHN: Probably. I would have just gassed us by now though.

HOCK: I hadn't thought of that. Maybe next time.

JANE: If you're done talking to my fanatic brother, can I have your attention? _(She is holding a pistol to a statue's "head")_ We get out of here or the… whatever-it-is gets it.

HOCK: Noooo! Don't do that!

_(At this moment, HOCK's guards come in. They start firing immediately; shattering the artwork JANE was just threatening to destroy. The giant HOCK head does not like this at all)_

HOCK: You imbeciles! Don't shoot the Art! Kill them!

_(JANE, KASUMI, & JOHN, taking advantage of their "hide-behind-stuff" training, promptly sit down behind the art. JOHN has lit a cigar. They wait until the guards get bored, then come storming out, mowing them down in a rain of bullets.)_

_(OK, OK, they wait until the guards fall asleep and sneak past. Don't you wish you'd accepted Narration 1?)_

_(Having gotten past the guards they come outside to the launching pad. Alas, HOCK is already there in his gunship, and he does not look happy)_

KASUMI: Drat. I was hoping to avoid this.

JANE: Why does everyone always want to shoot me?

JOHN: Did anyone else bring their missile launcher?

_(JANE smiles in relieved disbelief as JOHN proceeds to fire off a few rounds at the gunship, lowering its shields dramatically. Some of HOCK's minions approach.)_

KASUMI: If you can keep them busy, I can take Hock out.

JANE: Right, keep them busy. How do I do that without dying?

JOHN: _(Overhearing) _Carefully!

_(JANE tosses a rock in his direction and dutifully snipes a couple mercs who have come within range. The rest back off for a moment, and JOHN reloads his launcher. Thus no one is paying attention when KASUMI launches herself in the air and lands on the hood of the gunship. She pushes some buttons and the rearming shields stop rearming. She gracefully flips backward off the ship into cover)_

KASUMI: Did you see that?

JANE: See what?

KASUMI: I climbed up the pipework, jumped on the gunship, and disarmed his shields! _(Panting from excitement and exertion)_

JOHN: Hah! Bullcrap! My missiles did it!

KASUMI: Honest!

JANE: You're a master thief; your main skill is being dishonest! Now stop talking and shoot these guys!

KASUMI: I hate you people.

_(JOHN's missiles finish the job and HOCK's gunship [with HOCK included] explodes in a marvelous fireworks show. The mercenaries, seeing their paycheck won't be coming this time, disappear, leaving an empty landing pad for the NORMANDY's Shuttle. They board, KASUMI eager to begin the breaking of Keiji's code.)_

JANE: Are you sure you don't want to wait until we board the ship?

JOHN: I'm bored. Do it now.

KASUMI: _(Not listening to either of them)_ Now if I insert it here, we can all see… Aha.

_(A hologram of KEIJI OKUDA appears)_

KEIJI: Kasumi, if you're viewing this, I'm dead.

JOHN: No duh!

JANE: Be quiet, John. This is a very emotional moment.

KASUMI: Oh, Keiji!

KEIJI: The information we found is all here. It's big, Kasumi.

_(JOHN giggles and JANE smacks him)_

KEIJI: I encrypted the information to keep it safe. And I uploaded the encryption key to your graybox, so no one could get the whole package.

_(JOHN laughs louder, and JANE can't hide a tiny smirk)_

KASUMI: Oh, Keiji!

KEIJI: I know you, Kasumi. You'll want to keep these memories forever. But you don't need some neural implant to know I'll always be with you. Please, Kasumi. Destroy these files. There's nothing more I can do to protect you.

KASUMI: This is all that's left! I can't do it! Keiji!

KEIJI: Goodbye, Kasumi. I love you.

KASUMI: No! Keiji! Shepard, should I destroy it?

JANE: Why are you asking me? He's your boyfriend.

JOHN: I don't care.

KASUMI: But… what if the information hurts your mission? What if it implicates the alliance?

JANE: Then the Alliance deserves it. The Alliance got me into this in the first place. The Alliance left me to die in space. The Alliance let me get resurrected by terrorists. The Alliance sent my boyfriend to have a chat with me when they found out I was alive… without telling him. The Alliance can go jump in a black hole.

JOHN: Heheh _..._ h-_ (At their glares)_ Let's get back to the ship.

_(They reboard the NORMANDY and JANE approaches the Galaxy map. Bored, she scans the systems until she sees one marked "Reaper IFF." She clicks it. She clicks the link beside the description of the planet, planning to send a probe down and look around. Too late she realizes she's clicked the "Land" link and is now set for a course with destiny.)_

JANE: Oh crap.


	19. Chapter 20: My First Robot

**Mock Effect 2**

**Chapter 20: My First Robot (Batteries not included)**

**INT: NORMANDY: COMMAND DECK**

_(JANE SHEPARD has just hit the "land" button to connect with the disabled reaper that supposedly has a Reaper IFF, which is necessary to their mission. However, the information was provided by TIM [short for "The Illusive Man"] whose last two missives landed them in surprise attacks.)_

JANE: Of all the stupid harebrained things to do! Can we cancel that, Joker?

JOKER: Not an option, commander. Once you hit that button, it's either play it through or re-load.

JANE: But my last save was before Illium! Damn it!

JOHN: Oh come on it won't be that bad. It's an ancient dormant ship, what's the worst that could happen?

MIRANDA: I'm sure the Illusive Man wouldn't send us to any location we couldn't handle. Cerberus is much too invested in the success of this mission.

JANE: Riiiight. So that's why he threw us in front of the bus the last two times? My only question is who's got the drop on us this time…

JOKER: I can answer that, Commander. There's a geth ship docked nearby. Well the Normandy says it's a geth ship. I can't see through all those storm clouds. Speaking of which, we may encounter a bit of turbulence in a sec.

_("A bit" consists of every loose item being knocked off its perch and rolling around on the floor or into the ventilation grates. Then they are flying suddenly flying smoothly again.)_

JANE: What happened?

JOKER: We've passed into the Reaper's mass effect field. Which is apparently still active centuries after it was killed. Which does not bode ominously at all.

JANE: Great. Alright, Johnny, gear up and pick two people to come with us. And use your head!

_(JOHN selects MIRANDA, so he can impress her with his feats of derring-do, and MORDIN, who in his jock estimation poses the least threat in one-upping said feats)_

**INT: REAPER: ENTRYWAY**

JANE: "Ishimara" Where have I heard that name before?

JOHN: Who cares, they left the safe open!

MIRANDA: Here's a log by Dr. Chandana.

_(They hit play)_

CHANDANA: There's something off about this ship. Something we're missing. Oh well, it's TV night. We've all agreed to watch Wife Swap, which is odd in itself, but I'm absolutely sure it's my favorite show, so who cares why the others are watching it.

MORDIN: Obsession. Sign of indoctrination?

JOHN: Over a TV show? Hardly. Jane watches several religiously. Who's the biggest loser? The unlucky guy who can't grab the remote fast enough.

MIRANDA: Here's another log.

_(Unnamed Scientist shares his concern with what must have been his blog)_

UNNAMED SCIENTIST: Dr. Chandana is A-1 certified crazy. The other day, I caught him standing in one place for hours, "listening" to the ship. I say he's overworked and needs sleep. Talk to you guys tomorrow. Wife Swap is on!

JANE: Again? Something's fishy. Reality TV is cheesy, but two people with the same favorite on the same small science team? Odd.

_(They open a door, and the entire ship shakes. JOKER hails them on the radio)_

JOKER: Commander! The Reaper just put up kinetic barriers!

JOHN: The what just did what?

EDI: The shields are now active, Floss-picker Shepard. Which means you may not exit via the same way you entered.

MIRANDA: We'll have to find another way out!

JANE: _(Snarky)_ "Oh come on it can't be that bad" "I'm sure the Illusive Man wouldn't send us to any location we couldn't handle" Why does no one listen to me?

_(A walkway in front of them leads down some steps past some crates. As they walk by, they hear a groaning sound behind them. Husks appear, mindlessly charging at them)_

JOHN: Check this out!

_(Using his vanguard charge, he smashes into a husk, blowing it to smithereens. He does this several times, not noticing that JANE and MORDIN are getting penned in.)_

JANE: Mordin, do something!

MORDIN: Suggest you shoot them, Commander! One moment!

JANE: One moment? I don't have a moment. Every time I turn around my worst nightmares are attacking me. And they don't die with headshots like everything else!

MORDIN: There! _(A pink light emanates from his Omni-tool, and the ring of husks around them drops dead)_

JANE: Wha? How?

MORDIN: Neural shock. Created in spare time since stopped worrying about Maelon. Ingenious, no?

JOHN: Aw man, I was having fun.

MIRANDA: That was pretty impressive, the way you smashed them into bits.

JOHN: Wasn't it?

_(Objections forgotten, they plod along, picking up upgrades the scientists were nice enough to leave lying around. There is an open room in front of them, with a device of some sort at the end. They approach, but before getting far, they are surrounded by more husks.)_

JANE: Just how big was this science team?

MIRANDA: I have no idea. Maybe 200?

MORDIN: 212 at present count. Suggest ducking now.

_(MORDIN'S Neural Shock wipes out a wave. JOHN is enjoying his charge skills until he has a problem)_

JOHN: Wheeee! _(Wham)_ Heeeeey! Why aren't you disintegrated? You're bigger th-

_(JOHN comes flying back towards the others)_

JOHN: Owww. That one is definitely bigger.

JANE: Bigger? _(Peeks over crate where she's been firing blind) _Oh crap.

MIRANDA: I'll take care of this.

_(Using Warp, she eliminates the Big Husk's armor reserves, killing it. They look around the room. JANE finds another log)_

SCIENTIST: _(Slurred, slow) _Wife swap gooooood. Love that show. Dr. Chandana says we should show our devotion to it by jumping on these metal stakes. Goodbye cruel w— _(JANE shuts it off)_

MORDIN: Indoctrination. Effective while ship dead?

MIRANDA: Can't be. The ship has no mind anymore.

MORDIN: Maybe dormant. Should investigate core.

_(Through the next corridor, then out onto a platform. JANE spots the light reflecting off of a sniper's scope.)_

JANE: Look out! _(Shots fire, but no one appears injured. Behind her, she finds two dead husks)_ What the?

_(A Geth stands up on a distant balcony)_

GETH: Shepard- Commander.

_(It disappears in the other direction)_

MIRANDA: Did that geth just…?

MORDIN: Unprecedented!

JANE: A talking geth? That's new. _(Shrugs)_ I suppose if they can have talking darkspawn, I really shouldn't be surprised.

JOHN: Dumbass said it backwards.

_(Walking on, they find several more pockets of husks, along with a big husk or two. While JANE is still extremely jumpy, she doesn't lose her cool and they eventually reach an airlock. Inside is the Reaper IFF.)_

JANE: Finally. What else do we have to do? Oh right, blow the ship we're on out of the sky without dying.

JOHN: Another day's work!

_(The last door opens, and before them is the Reaper's Mass Effect Core. It's a big blue ball of light. In front of it, a Geth is manipulating controls of some sort. A barrier in front of the team shuts off, right as some husks appear and disable the Geth.)_

MIRANDA: _(pointing at the pulsating core) _Is that what we shoot?

JOHN: In between husks, yep!

MORDIN: No mobility! Easy target!

_(JANE focuses on the Core, but can't get many shots off before a metal door slams shut, blocking her. She tries to help the others for a time. When the last husk is killed, the doors reopen, but again close before she can make a significant dent. She turns to MIRANDA in frustration)_

JANE: I really really wish the Illusive Man had stocked grenades in my armory! I mean, how hard is it? I had them when I worked for the alliance!

MIRANDA: I thought you knew Commander, they're on the top shelf on the right. Unless someone picked them up already. We didn't buy that many.

JANE: Of course not. Johnny, you wouldn't know what happened to my grenades, would you?

JOHN: Who, Me? _(Charges into a husk)_ Haven't seen 'em!

JANE: JOHN!

JOHN: Oh all right. But I was saving them to give to Zaeed for his birthday!

_(JANE bundles several grenades together and prepares to toss them at the core.)_

MIRANDA: Commander are you sure you want to… This is a bad idea!

JANE: Stick around; I'm full of bad ideas! _(Tosses)_

_(JANE'S timing is perfect and the grenade goes into the core right as the door slams shut again, focusing the blast in the core and destroying it. The Reaper, now completely dead, begins its long descent. As it breaks apart, MIRANDA, MORDIN & JOHN all follow her over to the limp form of the Geth)_

JOHN: Wow. A geth. What do we do with it?

JANE: I don't know. Take it with us?

MORDIN: Intact specimen! Prime for research!

MIRANDA: Cerberus has a long term bounty on a live geth. It's an enormous amount of money.

JOHN: And you never mentioned this until now? How many of these things have I killed? I could have captured one of them easy! But noooo you don't mention it until we're on a crashing spaceship.

JANE: Shut up, we're taking it with us. We'll decide what to do with back on the ship.

_(Running towards the furthest dock, they realize they have a bit of a problem. The Normandy can't get close enough for them to walk over to it. They are going to have to jump. The Geth is tossed on first, where it magically drifts exactly where it's supposed to go. Then MIRANDA, JANE, & MORDIN all make the leap onto the airlock. JOHN's leap doesn't go so well, and he's hanging by his fingers onto the side of the ship when JANE reaches down.)_

JOHN: Jane! Tell them we did our best, Jane. We did all we could!

JANE: You idiot. Get up here. _(As she hauls him up)_You know, if you're going to be going on these life or death missions where jumping 10 feet is the difference between success and failure, you might want to cut down on the Cheetos.

JOHN: But I like Cheetos!

**INT: NORMANDY: COMMAND DECK: CHAIRLESS MEETING ROOM**

_(JANE has asked MIRANDA to explain the bounty she mentioned. JOHN is listening intently, and somehow JACOB slipped in)_

MIRANDA: The Illusive Man has offered 50,000 credits for an intact Geth.

JOHN: I still don't know why nobody's told me about this before.

JACOB: Space it. If the bad memories of my father weren't enough, I have to deal every day with the horrors at Eden Prime.

JANE: Huh? Oh that's right, I forgot that chunk of your backstory. Thanks for the reminder. Miranda, where did you put it?

MIRANDA: In the AI core.

JANE: Well, that makes sense. Who would rob a place where someone left the keys in the door? It never occurred to you that it might hack us?

MIRANDA: It can't. Not unless we wake it up. I suggest we send it to Cerberus for study.

JANE: That option's out. Credits or no credits, I'm not doing one more thing than necessary to help Timmy. He can go catch his own geth. Other options?

JACOB: Throw it out an airlock.

JOHN: Hold the phone! If I can't keep the 50,000 credits, then I most certainly am not throwing out what could be the coolest desk lamp of all time.

JANE: And we're not going with either of those. I want to talk to it.

MIRANDA: Commander, you can't!

JACOB: It's too dangerous!

JOHN: There goes my lamp. Are you really sure, sis?

JANE: I want to find out why it's wearing N7 armor. And why it shot those zombies behind me. And why it knows my name. Yep. Going to go talk to it.

JOHN: They might be right, you know.

JANE: Hey, you opened up Grunt's tank. This is the same kind of thing.

MIRANDA: Except Grunt couldn't hack his way into the oxygen supply…

JANE: Hey, snarky remarks are my territory. Go complain about being pretty.

_(JANE walks out of the Meeting Room. With JOHN tagging along, she takes the Elevator down to the crew deck and walks past the dozing DR. BASTILLASMOTHER into the AI core. A guard is standing by near the limp form of the Geth, looking very bored.)_

JANE: Any activity?

GUARD: Not unless you count me touching my toes. Have to keep up the calisthenics.

JOHN: Hmm. Maybe I should try that.

GUARD: Only if you promise not to throw me out an airlock when we get to situps.

JOHN: Do I have to?

JANE: Yes. Now let's wake this thing up. EDI, can you set up a super firewall?

EDI: With Mr. Moreau's extranet browsing habits, I've had to. Use your omnitool to create a pretend digital wall for dramatic effect.

_(JANE does as the AI suggests, then sends a charge to the other AI to reboot it.)_

GETH: _(System starts) _DOOONNNNG.

JANE: _(Loudly and slowly)_ HELLO! DO – YOU – SPEAK – ENGLISH?

GETH: yes.

JANE: Good! Why haven't you tried to kill me?

GETH: wall.

JANE: Right… well every other geth I've met has tried to kill me. But I really hate the other option of sending you off for the jerks at Cerberus to study. Why are you here?

GETH: brought.

JANE: What I mean is, why were you on the reaper?

GETH: research.

JANE: You don't talk much, do you?

GETH: no.

JANE: I'm going to guess and say you were on board trying to get information on the Reapers, so you can fight them?

GETH: yes.

JOHN: But you were with them on Eden Prime. And the Citadel.

GETH: heretics.

JANE: Now calling us names won't help. We want to understand you and we both need to fight the reapers.

GETH: you fought heretics. we are true geth.

JOHN: Heh. It thinks it's more than one robot.

GETH: 1,183.

JOHN: Huh?

_(EDI pops up behind them with clarification)_

EDI: I think hot stuff here is saying it has 1,183 programs running on it. Shepard will you introduce us? Look at his RAM!

JANE: Edi, meet uh… Geth. What am I supposed to call you?

GETH: Geth.

JANE: Geth? That really makes it hard to distinguish you from the others.

GETH: We are geth.

EDI: Commander, if I may? "My name is Legion for we are many"

GETH: Acceptable. Now renaming. Legion.

JANE: What just happened?

LEGION: We have been renamed. It has stimulated our vocal circuits. Ineffective, but we will use anyway.

JANE: So why were you on that ship?

LEGION: Research on _(moves fingers in quotation mark gesture) _Reapers. We call them the Old Machines.

JOHN: That's not a very cool name. Think about it! "AUGH the Reapers are coming!" "Oh my, the old machines are on their way." See? Nowhere near the coolness level.

LEGION: We wish to join you.

JANE: Well I do have one more slot before my crew becomes an even dozen. That is, if I can find where Zaeed disappeared to. And you won't eat much. _(She snorts, then glares when no one else gets the joke)_. You can stay. You're pretty good with that sniper rifle. Though I would stay here, and not go anywhere near the engine room.

LEGION: Why?

JANE: We have a quarian on the crew. Given the history of your two races, let's try to avoid reenacting any wars on my ship, alright?

LEGION: We need your help Shepard-Commander.

JANE: Already? I haven't even asked you about upgrades yet!

LEGION: Our heretics need to be destroyed. We need to fly to the secret space station and disable the server.

JANE: Possibly. How many geth are on this station?

LEGION: Billions.

JANE: B-Billions? Sorry, that's not going to happen. Go see if you can find some gullible doctor to blow it up for you.

LEGION: Please consider. Will wait.

_(They are interrupted by KELLY CHAMBERS, JANE'S 'assistant')_

KELLY: Commander, there's like, an important message or something.

JANE: OK. One second, Legion.

LEGION: One second has passed.

JANE: I mean give me a min… er moment … to check my e-mail.

_(JANE'S e-mail reveals a message from the vanished mercenary ZAEED MASSANI)_

_Shepard,_

_Was the only one left alive in that goddam bar on goddam omega. Left to complete my private mission on Zorya. Have to kill Vido Santiago. If you want me to come along on your trip, you goddam better come give me a hand._

_Zaeed_

_Ex-Commander, Blue Suns Mercenary group._

_P.S. If you need a bleeding heart reason to come, we're going to save the goddam factory workers that goddam Vido is using as goddam slaves._

JANE: _(Over radio)_ Joker, can you get us to the planet Zorya?

JOKER: I'm the pilot. If I can fly this thing like a fighter jet in a battle, I can taxi you over to Zorya.

JANE: Good, thanks. _(returns to matter at hand) _I'm sorry Legion, but fighting billions of Geth seems a bit out of my abilities. Rescuing some prisoners is much more feasible.

LEGION: We understand. We can complete later.

_(A short while later, JANE'S radio beeps)_

JOKER: Commander, we're here! Please take me with you!

JANE: Take you with us, why? You've never wanted to come with us before. What about your condition?

JOKER: Kelly is organizing a Karaoke contest on the command deck. I'm crippled, I can't move very fast. Uh… Hello Kelly. Stop disconnecting my chair! Kelly! Save yourself, Commander!

_(JANE doesn't waste time, and heads for the shuttle immediately. As she settles down to the controls, she hears a frantic whispering in the back)_

SAMARA: Mr. Grunt, could I trouble you to move to the side a little?

GRUNT: I'm over as far as I can be!

THANE: There is a space to your left.

KASUMI: Sorry, that's me. Left my cloak on.

MIRANDA: Alright, who did that? Someone grabbed my butt!

JACOB: Hic. Wasn't me!

MORDIN: Not I.

GARRUS: In C-sec, we often had to deal with overcrowded vehicles.

LEGION: C-Sec. Abbreviation for Citadel Security. Known for incompetence and corruptibility.

JACK: A F****** karaoke contest. Could this job get any worse?

TALI: Hey guys! Scotty said we were having a surprise party in here! Didn't say for who, though. Did anyone bring cake?

ALL: NO!

_(JANE opens the partition)_

JANE: What are all of you doing down here?

THANE: We are going with you.

JANE: Usually only two at a time come with me.

KASUMI: Kelly was organizing a karaoke contest.

JACK: F****** Karaoke.

MORDIN: Karaoke? Thought we had fresh supplies in here. Tired of ramen.

JANE: That's a pretty good reason! Fasten your seatbelts!

_(As she pulls out, a frantic banging is heard on the hull of the shuttle before she opens the airlock. She reopens the door, and JOHN jumps in pulling it closed behind him)_

JOHN: Go go go go! She was right behind me!

_(The door opens and the shuttle rapidly departs the ship. After flying around the atmosphere a few minutes, they spot a fire with a sole person opposite it. They land nearby, and ZAEED MASSANI is waiting for them when they open the door and clamber out)_

**EXT: ZORYA: LANDING SITE**

ZAEED: Goddam it. Only one of you can come along besides the Shepards! I can't babysit all of you!

_(LEGION is the quickest to process the information and step forward)_

LEGION: Shepard Commander. We request to assist on this errand.

JANE: Fine, you, John, & Zaeed come with me. The rest of you stay here and entertain yourselves.

_(The SHEPARD team treks off into the jungle. The SHUTTLE team watches them go.)_

GRUNT: So, we're to amuse each other?

THANE: Perhaps the writers thought we would be in stasis when the Shepards left the shuttle for their mission.

JACK: Well I ain't F******* getting in there again.

SAMARA: Jack, why do you use profanity so much? Do you have a syndrome like Shepard?

JACK: Here's what you can do with your syndrome!

**EXT: ZORYA: PATH TO FACTORY**

_(A mile down the path, a tree crashes down in front of the SHEPARD team.)_

JOHN: What the?

LEGION: Calculated trajectory indicates launched by use of biotics 1.56589 km away. Strong biotic source. Secondary squad?

JANE: Jack would be my bet. The fact that it landed here means she didn't impale Miranda on it. She's getting better!

ZAEED: I took biotics with me on a mission to the goddam Krogan DMZ. I was the only one who made it out alive. Or maybe that was because we forgot the biotics. Whatever.

_(As they continue walking, they almost stumble on a pair of guards. One is speaking the other)_

GUARD 1: Stillll nothing. Why are we out here again?

GUARD 2: _(Slow) _Because Vido said we should be. You never know what could be out there.

GUARD 1: Right. Like there will be anything out there. We're at a tiny factory on a small planet in the middle of nowhere!

GUARD 2: _(Indignant) _Oh yeah? Well would you do if a squad of commandos popped out of those trees? Huh? What would you do?

GUARD 1: I'd throw down my gun and hope they were in a forgiving mood.

GUARD 2: What kind of commando is in a good mood after trekking through this jungle? You really think they aren't just going to plug you and keep moving?

JOHN: _(Whispering) _He's right. It's just what I'd do.

ZAEED: Goddam Right.

JANE: Let's just sneak around them.

LEGION: Odds of success 78%. This method is acceptable.

_(They move off the path and get around the pair without much effort, arriving at a mechanical bridge. While JANE is opening it up, JOHN turns to ZAEED)_

JOHN: So, Zaeed, why are we killing this guy? I mean, I love a revenge drama as much as the next guy, but why this moron?

ZAEED: He had me shot.

JOHN: Oh come on now. Did you screw him over on a deal or something?

ZAEED: He hired my own men to hold me down while he shot me in the head.

JOHN: Niiiiice. I mean… Ow.

LEGION: Survival rates of direct shots to the human cranial region minimal.

JANE: How did you survive that one, Zaeed?

ZAEED: Hey, I don't poke holes in your goddam backstory!

_(The bridge reaches the other side and ZAEED walks on, ignoring JANE's bewildered look as she tries to frame a response to his statement. Finally, JOHN taps her on the shoulder and they walk up to a bunker. In true villain fashion, VIDO has left the door open and is practicing his slow clap on the balcony above the entrance)_

VIDO: Zaeed.

ZAEED: Vido.

VIDO: Don't be stupid, old man. I have a whole company of bloodthirsty bastards behind me ready to kill or be killed on my command. Actually go ahead, take your shot. Let me put you down again like the mad dog you are.

_(At this point JANE stands up)_

JANE: What am I, chopped liver? You're so focused on your stupid feud between each other that you have allowed not 1, not 2, but 3 additional commandos into your facility. And while we may not be bloodthirsty … Legion, do geth get bloodthirsty?

LEGION: Negative. Cessation of hostilities is satisfactory, whether organic opponents alive or dead.

JOHN: I'm bloodthirsty!

JANE: Shut up, John. My point is, we're going to kill you, and your team is going to run away like a bunch of little girls.

_(VIDO turns to scowl at JANE, missing ZAEED's move towards the pressure valves. Thus he is unpleasantly surprised when the wall behind him explodes in flame, incinerating said company of morally challenged persons of uncertain parentage)_

JOHN: Now that's how to do a distraction speech.

ZAEED: He's getting away!

**EXT: ZORYA: SHUTTLE CAMP**

TALI: Want to play a game?

SAMARA: Dear, why don't we play the silent game? I used to play it all the time with my daughters. Morinth was especially good.

TALI: _(Resentfully)_ I don't like that game. My father loved it though. That reminds me, does anyone want to go visit the flotilla with me? I have some urgent busine…

_(They hear the explosion when the gates open)_

GARRUS: Now that's the way to enter a secret base.

KASUMI: Tacky. Better to sneak in and get the guy when he's not looking.

THANE: Agreed. The sound of a neck snapping is all the commotion one should cause.

JACK: That's Shepard for you. Blow em to kingdom come, and pick up the pieces afterwards.

MORDIN: Not Shepard's modus operandi. She prefers the subtle approach, the beneficial answers.

JACK: I wasn't talking about the F****** sister! Though I guess I owe her for the whole Pragia thing.

SAMARA: We all do. It will increase our devotion as we go forth to face destiny.

JACOB: To destiny! Do they have a bar there? I'm getting sober.

**INT: ZORYA: EXPLODING REFINERY**

_(The SHEPARD TEAM is pursuing VIDO through the exploding pipe-work. Fortunately none of it hits anyone. They spot a door that's slightly ajar, but a voice from behind stops them before they enter)_

VOICE: Help! Help us! The factory is going to explode!

JANE: Wait, so you weren't lying about the prisoners?

ZAEED: I tell the truth! Sometimes. When it suits me.

JANE: You know I have to rescue those people.

ZAEED: No you don't.

JOHN: Duh! They can't help us, and killing him is removing a blight on the galaxy!

JANE: Like you ever cared about that! And since when have you known what a blight even was?

JOHN: I had a dream about it. I killed the dragon! Then I died. It kinda sucked.

LEGION: Division of forces clear solution. We will proceed to rescue the trapped organics. You pursue the other organic.

ZAEED: Goddam Capital, let's go!

_(Five minutes later, JOHN & ZAEED have killed a few henchmen whilst JANE & LEGION have turned a few knobs. They arrive at the last door before the shuttle bay at exactly the same time.)_

JANE: Well! So much for it being useless to save the workers! It took you that long to get around the big daddy!

JOHN: We would have killed it faster if you had been helping. But Nooooo!

ZAEED: Open the goddam door already!

_(The door opens, but they are too late. The shuttle is taking off with VIDO inside. He waves cheerily from the window)_

ZAEED: AUggggggghhhhhhhhh! _(Turns to JANE) _You! You did this to me. I had him, but you had to go save the bleedin hostages!

JANE: Excuse me? Who is in command here? That's right, I am. And I play as paragon. Which means I help people who need it!

_(ZAEED ejects his cli… heat sink with savagery, propelling it into a pool of leaked fuel nearby. It ignites, causing an explosion. Miraculously, no one is hurt in the slightest except ZAEED, who has had a large piece of rebar land on his back, pinning him)_

**EXT: ZORYA: SHUTTLE CAMP**

JACOB: _(Suddenly remembering) _Anybody want a drink? I keep my stash under the seats in here.

MIRANDA: Jacob, that's where we kept the emergency medical supplies!

JACOB: So? Anything that gets past Grunt, Garrus, & Thane probably won't need it.

MIRANDA: The Illusive Man won't like this.

JACOB: The Illusive Man knew my father was alive and didn't bother to tell me. He can land in that sun he likes parking outside of so much.

KASUMI: Hey, what's that?

_(They watch as the shuttle lifts off in the distance)_

**EXT: ZORYA: LANDING PAD**

_(ZAEED is still pinned, and JANE is kneeling beside him.)_

ZAEED: Help me!

JANE: What's that? _(A mocking hand to her ear) _Someone crying for help? Too bad, I have to go save the galaxy!

JOHN: Oh come on, Jane. You don't have to be mean.

LEGION: Demonstration clear. You are the superior organic.

JANE: I was making a point. _(She shoves the rebar aside, and helps ZAEED up)_ It's not just a personality quirk. I actually want to help people. And you should too.

ZAEED: Goddam enlightening. Now I have to go back after Vido with scratch.

JOHN: Maybe not scratch. You don't care HOW he dies, right? Just that he's dead?

ZAEED: _(Thinks for a second) _A headshot would be nice, but anything in a pinch.

JOHN: _(Slaps ear, activating radio)_ Open fire, boys!

JANE: And girls!

JOHN: Right, and girls. I'd like to see them outmaneuver this!

**EXT: ZORYA: SHUTTLE CAMP**

_(The Shuttle quickly crashes in the jungle with a fiery explosion. The SHUTTLE TEAM argues as to the cause)_

GARRUS: I hit the pilot.

THANE: As did I.

MORDIN: Confident it was exploding fuel tank

JACK: I F****** threw a giant rock into it!

MIRANDA: You hit a heavily armored shuttle with a rock? Please. That isn't what knocked it down.

SAMARA: Profanity aside, it was a large rock. And I may have helped a little on the trajectory.

TALI: I overloaded its shields!

GRUNT: I rooted for you guys!

_(They all look at him; a bit disappointed he didn't have anything more impressive to say)_

GRUNT: What? I have a shotgun. Not very useful at long range. My other power is armor. _(Defensively) _It's not like Jacob & Kasumi did anything either.

MIRANDA: Where are they anyway?

_(JACOB appears, straightening his uniform) _

JACOB: What did I miss? _(KASUMI walks out of the jungle a few feet away.)_

GRUNT: Only the entire team shooting down a tiny shuttle.

JACOB: Oh… I thought those were fireworks.

MIRANDA: So we gathered… _(Smirking at KASUMI, who is busily studying the sky)_

_(JANE, JOHN, LEGION & ZAEED walk up, and the banter ceases as everyone tries to fit back on board the shuttle. They fly back to the NORMANDY. JANE goes directly to her cabin and flops onto the bed.)_

JANE: Ahhh… Peace and quiet at last. _(She listens blissfully to nothing)_ Wait a minute. Quiet? On my ship? I should be so lucky! Edi?

EDI: _(Popping out of JANE's dresser)_ Commander, you need to come down to the engineering deck right away. Mr. Moreau has been hurt.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


	20. Chapter 21: Don't Try This At Home

**Mock Effect 2**

**Chapter 21: Don't Try This At Home (Swingin' Suicide Missions with the Shepards)**

**Cont'd from Chapter 20**

**INT: NORMANDY: CAPTAIN'S CABIN: DAY**

_(JANE SHEPARD is in her cabin, where EDI has just interrupted her reflections on ZAEED MASSANI's loyalty mission with the news that JEFF "JOKER" MOREAU, the ship's helmsman, has been seriously injured on the engineering)_

JANE: Joker? Hurt? How? What was he doing on the engineering deck? Why didn't Kelly tell me?

EDI: Joker will explain what has happened.

**INT: NORMANDY: ENGINEERING DECK: DAY**

_(JANE gets up and takes the elevator down to engineering. JOHN, GRUNT, & ZAEED are waiting for the elevator.)_

JANE: John, what are you up to? First Edi tells me Joker's down here in engineering of all places and here you are leaving the scene?

JOHN: I didn't do nothing! To Joker anyway. You see Jack, I was never here.

ZAEED: Goddam Scotty knocked over my model of the Verrikan and left blood all over the goddam floor! Wait'll I get my hands on him!

GRUNT: Shepard, I have absolutely no idea what's going on. However, being a Krogan, I seem to have been accepted without question into what is apparently a "club" of unattached males. They seem to think that I would be suspected in an upcoming prank of theirs on Subject Zero, and have advised me to leave the area.

JOHN: huh?

JANE: Just don't let them do anything really stupid.

GRUNT: Consider it done. Let's go.

_(The two groups swap places and JANE enters the Engineering core. She spots JOKER'S limp body and runs to his side, hitting her radio to alert DR. BASTILLASMOTHER at the same time)_

JANE: Joker! Are you all right?

JOKER: Owwwwwww.

JANE: What happened? How did you get down here?

JOKER: Owwwwwww.

JANE: Well, we're not going to make any progress if you just lay there groaning. EDI?

EDI: Shepard? How can I help?

JANE: You can tell me what the hell is going on! Joker is incapacitated and Dr. Bastillasmother isn't answering her comm!

EDI: Dr. Bastillasmother is gone, Shepard. I'm sorry.

JANE: Is she drunk again? I swear, I will fire her so fast…

EDI: No. She was taken by the collectors.

JANE: What? There are no collectors here! Just Joker laying here.

JOKER: Owwwwwww. No… bones… left…

EDI: Joker saved the ship, Commander. He crawled through the ventilation shafts and unlocked me, then restarted the engines so I could move us out of range.

JANE: Ventilation shafts? Unlocked? Move out of range?

_(Perhaps to ease JANE's befuddlement, MIRANDA arrives. She stalks in and shouts at JOKER)_

MIRANDA: All of them? You lost all of them?

JANE: Stop it. Stop this and make some sense right now, or I swear I will hang up this suit of armor and go be an accountant until the reapers kill us all! Will somebody get this man some medigel?

**INT: NORMANDY: CREW DECK: MED BAY: DAY**

_(A short while later, Joker has been hauled up to the med bay. Drugged to the hilt, he's now able to explain what happened, though not why he's still alive)_

JANE: So… the IFF had a virus, which was a GPS, which alerted the collectors, who stole the crew, and you managed to escape by climbing down the shafts? You, who can't walk upright without wincing?

JOKER: I have no idea how it worked, but I'm Seth Green, so maybe it was a solo "time to shine" sequence? Wow, these drugs are good. Watch me jump up and down!

JOHN: I don't get it. Why steal the crew? Who cares about them?

JOKER: _(Now restrained and sulking)_ They weren't after them. They were after Shepard. And would have got you, too, if I hadn't saved the day.

MIRANDA: About that… Do you know how many laws you've broken by unhooking the restrictions on EDI?

JANE: Since when have you cared about laws? Though I am a bit worried, EDI. Would you mind promising not to go insane and decide to kill us all?

EDI: Promise not to order me to open the pod bay doors, and we have a deal.

JANE: Done. So where are they? I mean the crew, not the doors.

EDI: The collectors have them. I don't know their intentions.

JANE: Well then what are we waiting for? Let's go after them!

_(A clatter interrupts them. JANE opens the door to the AI core to spy LEGION and TALI wrestling against the wall. With GRUNT'S help she breaks up the fight)_

JANE: Hey! What's this all about? Legion's all right, Tali!

TALI: Shepard! You let a geth on board? And you housed it in the computer core? Are you insane? I was saving us all from certain death!

LEGION: Rather clumsily, if we may offer an opinion. Physical force is not the best method for defeating a thousand program mobile platform.

TALI: Quiet, machine! You killed my homeworld!

LEGION: Because your ancestors attempted to wipe us out!

JANE: Shut up, both of you! I don't have time for this. Neither do our people. The collectors stole them. We have to go rescue them. Your loyalty missions will have to wait indefinitely. Now stop fighting each other when we all know we aren't going to resolve your issues until the 3rd game!

_(They sheepishly apologize and JANE tells EDI to send fly the ship to the Omega 4 relay. EDI predicts a two hour wait to get past a space traffic jam in the Hades Gamma cluster, and JANE returns to her quarters to relax )_

**INT: NORMANDY: CAPTAIN'S CABIN: DAY**

_(She is reading about assassins eating cereal when a noise near the fish tank disturbs her. JACOB TAYLOR steps out of the shadows)_

JACOB: _(Doing his best impression of a deep Barry White voice) _Shepard. Look at this… _(JACOB attempts to lean on the dividing wall. Tipsy, he misses his mark and tumbles down beside her chair) _I'm sneaking into the captain's quarters. Heavy risk … but the prizzzzze.

JANE: Excuse me?

JACOB: I'm sneaking into the captain's quart—

JANE: No. The second part. The whats?

JACOB: Prizzzzze.

JANE: What prize?

JACOB: You and me! I want all the time I can get.

JANE: And you've had it. Now get out of my room before I stuff you in the fish tank!

JACOB: You mean don't want me?

JANE: Not only that, but I never will. Get out of my room and if you are ever up here again, I will tell the next Krogan I meet that you are madly in love with them, and you will not have a happy day!

JACOB: (S_taggering toward the elevator) _Not even if I take my shirt off? Look at my abs! _(Turns at elevator door and strips off his work tee. Unimpressed, JANE hits the down button) _

_(JANE turns to get back to her book, and before her stands THANE KRIOS, who was obviously cloaked throughout the encounter)_

THANE: Siha, I must speak with you.

JANE: Seewho? And why are YOU in my room?

THANE: I have known I will die for many years. I've tried to leave the galaxy better than I found it.

JANE: _(Cautiously) _A good idea. I guess. Why are you here?

THANE: You helped me achieve more than I thought possible. We've righted many wrongs. I've spoken to my son. I should be at peace on the eve of battle.

JANE: You should be in your room on the eve of battle. Why the speech?

THANE: I'm ashamed… _(He turns away from her and steadies himself on her desk, then punches it in frustration)_

JANE: Whoa whoa whoa! Stop attacking my furniture! It'll probably fall apart!

THANE: I am afraid, and it shames me.

JANE: I'm afraid I'll have to replace that desk if you keep hitting it!

THANE: Siha, I thought… that we … after what you did …

JANE: After I helped you, you thought I was into you? Augh! Men! I helped you because I want to survive the endgame near the black hole, you dipstick!

THANE: Oh. I'm sorry. I misunderstood. I'll depart now.

JANE: Please do. I have enough problems.

THANE: Goodbye, Siha.

JANE: Yeah, seeha later.

_(THANE takes the elevator down, and JANE decides to take a shower. About half way through, her hair is still in shampoo and someone knocks on the door. Aggravated, she quickly rinses, wraps a towel around herself, and sticks her head out the door. There stand GARRUS VAKARIAN.)_

GARRUS: Hey, I brought wine. Not much, but the best I could afford on a vigilante's salary.

JANE: Huh?

GARRUS: If I can come in, I'll turn on earth music and stutter awkward compliments until you kiss me.

JANE: Not another one! Get out! I'm not seeing anybody! Not you, not Thane, not Jacob, not Zaeed, not Joker, not Grunt, not Mordin, and not Tim! Now go away! _(She slams her sliding door closed)_

_(Garrus, downcast, turns to the elevator and waits for it to arrive. Behind him the door opens again. He turns, hopeful)_

GARRUS: Yes?

JANE: _(Snatching the bottle out of his hand)_ Leave the wine.

GARRUS: Oh. _(Takes elevator down)_

JANE: EDI, lock down this floor until I say so, I don't want any more interruptions!

**INT: NORMANDY: COMMAND DECK: FEW HOURS LATER**

_(Having had a glass or two of wine to fortify herself, JANE opens the portal to alert TIM to their progress)_

TIM: Shepard. I wish I had more information for you. I don't like you heading through that relay blind.

JANE: Gee, does it bother you not to know who's waiting to ambush me on the other side? I'll give you a hint. They like antiques.

TIM: Despite the danger, it's a great opportunity. The first human to take a ship through… and survive.

JANE: We haven't survived yet! Though I like that option better.

TIM: I just want you to know I appreciate the risk you're taking.

JANE: Of course you do, you're not taking it! Anything useful you have to tell me?

TIM: _(Thinks for a moment)_ Check your e-mail when you get back. I may have some important things for you to do that I didn't think of until later.

JANE: Uh huh. Bye!

TIM: Have fun storming the station!

_(The connection is closed and JANE walks up to the cockpit. JOKER has been hauled up to the pilot's seat, but is still a bit woozy from the pain drugs.)_

JANE: Joker, you're sure you can handle this? I mean, the only reason I let you out of med bay is that I don't want the ship's AI to get distracted and send me into a black hole. I figure with the two of you both flying this ship, we might actually come near the station.

JOKER: I can do it.

JANE: Right. Great plan Jane. The overconfident weirdo is flying the ship, along with the chatty ship's computer.

EDI: Commander!

JANE: Sorry. I'm a bit stressed at the moment. Didn't get to sleep during the break.

_(JOHN strolls up, full of cocky bravado)_

JOHN: Guess who did it to the loyalist in the drive core with the candlestick?

JANE: Oh come on! You don't mean you slept with Miranda! Are you insane?

JOHN: I'm not done. Guess who did it to the biotic in the alcove with the lead pipe?

JANE: You are insane. Certifiable. And you're gonna get me killed! When they find out about each other, they are going smear the walls with you!

JOHN: Still not done! Guess who did it to the engineer in engineering with the wrench?

JANE: You went to Tali? She actually said yes? You could have killed her! I have to go check on her. Which means I have to talk to her. Which means you are in deep crap.

JOHN: Relax. I didn't actually get far with Tali. She was whining about going to the flotilla and meeting her relatives. But I tried! I was this close to a three in one!

MIRANDA: _(Appearing from behind) _Three in one what? _(Smiles at JOHN)_

JOHN: Errr… Golf. I was playing put put with Scotty last week and I almost had three in one! I sure hope we get him back!

JANE: Riiiight. Now how do we get through this rela-

_(JOKER takes this moment to charge the Omega 4 relay at speed, snapping them into a red space instantly. They are surrounded by debris, and JOKER has a moment of trouble getting out of it.)_

MIRANDA: There's the station.

JOHN: Well, this wasn't so ha—

_(The NORMANDY is rocked by an explosion as something fires a blast into it. Fortunately, JANE's purchases and endorsements on the Citadel included armor that deflects the shot into a nearby piece of debris, smashing it instead. JOKER swings the ship around and through various acrobatics fires a shot that dismantles a small eye shaped ship that was attacking them_)

JOKER: Woo hoo! Got one!

JANE: Don't get cocky!

JOKER: Aye Aye, Commander

_(Sure enough, several more appear, and they are forced to fly into the debris field to avoid the onslaught. The enemies appear not to have had basic flight training, especially the essential lesson "Don't fly into stuff", and the NORMANDY quickly loses its pursuers… only to fly right into the path of the Collector ship that vaporized Normandy 1.0 and attacked them twice throughout this story.)_

JANE: Out of the frying pan into the fire!

GARRUS: _(Over Radio)_ Fire? Alright, time to see what these things can do!

JANE: No wait… I said "Into the –"

_(GARRUS fires the Thanxis Cannon into the Collector ship. It blows an enormous hole in it, setting off a chain reaction that completely enflames it)_

GARRUS: BOOYAH! How's that for calibration, Bee-yotches!

JANE: I sure hope they took our people off before we blew it to bits.

GARRUS: I hadn't thought of that. But did you see that explosion?

JOHN: It was pretty awesome! Though I don't know if Booyah and Beeyotches go together in the same sentence. I'll have to look it up.

_(Their conversation is cut short by a secondary explosion from the Collector ship buffets the NORMANDY, damaging its shielding. With skill, fortitude, and a little help from the writers, JOKER lands the crashing dreadnought on the Collector Station, which has no reaction)_

MIRANDA: Well we all knew it was likely a one way trip.

JOHN: At least we can take some Collectors out with us!

JANE: What is wrong with you two? I like living, thank you very much.

JOKER: You and the squad go ahead onto the station. EDI and I will fix the ship.

JANE: You mean you; the guy with fragile bones and not but two recent major stresses on those bones is going to fix the ship… with only the ship's hologram to help?

JOKER: It's best not to question it. Do you want to go home or not?

JANE: We're doomed.

_(Taking the crew and her doubts into the chairless meeting room, JANE tries to encourage them. She's not very successful)_

JANE: This isn't going to be easy. We're going to lose more people. But know that if you die, you'll be dying for the best of causes, helping the innocent!

_(She pauses, awaiting some sort of response. There is none. A few crew members cough awkwardly. JOHN steps up)_

JOHN: Wow. That has got to be the worst motivational speech I've ever heard, and I was there when Kirrahe made that "Hold the Line" speech.

JANE: It wasn't that bad. Honesty is important!

JOHN: Not that important. Try this one on for size! _(He draws in a breath and inspiring music plays as he looks each of the crew in the eyes.) _I address you tonight not as Commander Shepard, not as the savior of the known universe, but as a citizen of humanity. We are faced with the very gravest of challenges. We're fighting for our right to live. To exist. We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! My brothers. _(JANE coughs) _er… and sisters, I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of men _(JANE nudges him) … _and women … fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of wolves and shattered shields when the age of men _(hastily)_ … that'smankind … comes crashing down, but it is not this day! This day we fight! Ready your breakfast and eat hearty, Spartans! For tonight we dine in hell!

_(There is a slow clap that quickly picks up speed and soon the entire team is on their feet applauding. Even JANE can't begrudge an astonished look)_

JANE: Where did that come from? Nevermind, I don't want to know. Let's get planning. EDI, what do we need to do?

EDI: Commander, there is a room with a higher power consumption than the others, that is probably where our crew is being held. There are two access routes.

JANE: Excellent. We'll split up and send a team through each.

EDI: Not an option. Both routes are blocked.

JOHN: Nothing a little explosives can't handle!

JANE: Have you never heard of subtlety? Let's avoid getting attacked by the whole station at once. There's got to be another way in…

EDI: There's a ventilation shaft that could be used to access the doors, if a tech specialist could get through.

JACOB: Hic!… I'm a tetch special-whatever. I can unlock it for you… really fast. If I don't fry first.

THANE: I have had enough of ventilation shafts, thank you very much.

LEGION: We suggest this platform or creator Tali-Zorah for the task.

TALI: I'd be glad to do it Shepard, but I don't know if I have it in me, what with worrying about my trial and all. I really should go back to the flotilla…

_(Most of the crew rolls their eyes at this. It's been all TALI can talk about at meals for the past two weeks)_

JANE: Fine. Tali, you go up the shaft, _(JOHN giggles) _now who will lead the second team?

MIRANDA: Commander, given my leadership experience and my excellent performance on past missions, I think I would be the best choice to lead the second team.

JACK: In your dreams, cheerleader!

MIRANDA: Here, look at these conduct reports! Is there one of them where I didn't accomplish our goals admirably?

JACK: You wrote the F****** things! Of course you did F****** admirably!

JOHN: Alright! Catfight 2.0! Where's a video recorder when you need one?

JANE: Enough! Neither of you will lead it. Is there anyone else qualified?

_(JACOB raises his hand, while GARRUS bows his head and steps forward, JOHN smirks)_

JANE: Anyone else? Nobody?

JACOB: _(Swaying)_ It'd be my pleasure.

GARRUS: Let's go kick them in the … what was it again? Cloaca?

JANE: _(Sigh)_ John, as much as I hate to admit it, you're better than both of these clowns. You take one team, I'll take the other. We'll meet at the access points to the room with the energy drain as soon as everyone takes their places and heads out.

_(JANE is winding down, but GRUNT raises a hand)_

GRUNT: Uhh… where do we go? We have 13 team members and you've only designated three positions including your own. Who's going with John and who's following you?

JANE: Ummm. Jack's with me. Her biotic powers are very impressive.

JACK: F****** A.

JOHN: Hot chick! Er… I mean Miranda.

JANE: That makes no sense. You're picking based on looks? I pick Grunt.

JOHN: No fair! You don't get the Krogan!

JANE: Finders keepers, losers weepers.

JOHN: Fine. Garrus, with me.

GARRUS: _(To GRUNT)_ I don't know whether to be complimented or insulted.

GRUNT: We're probably going to be dead in an hour; I wouldn't let it worry you.

GARRUS: Fair enough.

JANE: Samara, I ask that you join us.

SAMARA: Dear, it would be my honor. Your brother seems to be in a perpetual Tourette's fit lately. It's been very hard to honor my vow without snapping his neck to respect the code.

JOHN: Going with biotics, huh? I'll take snipers. Thane, over here.

JANE: Two can play at that game, Legion, let's use those mathematically precise algorithms to make some collectors "embrace perfection!"

JOHN: I'll take the guts of experience over your robot any day. Zaeed, you're on my team.

ZAEED: I'll be the goddam last one left alive on your team, if these goddam guts of experience are any judge.

JANE: Real winner, there, Johnny. Talked yourself out of our best sneak attack expert. Kasumi, remember not to try to attack the glowing one. He has more health than the others do.

_(All that's left is MORDIN and a very tipsy JACOB)_

JOHN: Er….We'll take Jacob.

JANE: I'm sorry, Mordin, it's not that I don't have faith in your abilities, it's just… you're a scientist… You live in a lab. I don't mean you any insult by picking you last.

MORDIN: Does not matter. Used to it. Even Salarian educational facilities maintain unofficial hierarchy. Highly amusing to hack the team leaders' extranet profiles shortly afterward.

JOHN: Hey, you got one more than I did!

JANE: Tough!

**INT: COLLECTOR STATION: HALLWAY: DAY**

_(A hush settles over them as they set off .towards the station. Dramatic music plays and everyone is excited. The quiet doesn't last long. TALI interrupts over the radio)_

TALI: Shepard, I've hit a locked door. I'd open it myself, but I'm so worried about my trial…

JANE: We'll handle it.

_(JANE spots a glowing green switch right at the location where TALI is stuck. As her team proceeds, they find and unlock several more. Then they are attacked by Collectors. She reaches for her weapon)_

MORDIN: Pleasure meeting you. Now disintegrate!

GRUNT: These pansies can't take a shotgun blast to the face! You poor aliens without redundant nervous systems!

SAMARA: _(Uses a biotic wave to push three Collectors off a ledge)_ We make up for it with other talents, dear!

KASUMI: _(Appearing behind a Collector and shooting it point blank in the head) _It's not all about brawn, you know!

LEGION: We agree with the Krogan, organics are deficient. We detect no safeguards against attack set up in this station. Aside from these minor impediments that are useful for shielding.

JACK: You mean the walls? They can't beat a F****** shockwave. _(She demonstrates this on an unfortunate Collector)_

JANE: _(Now standing in a room free of collectors without having finished retrieving her weapon)_ Why did I leave the ship again? I mean… well done team! We should go. I think TALI will need more green switches pulled soon.

GRUNT: I wonder why they haven't flooded the vents with steam by now. It's the practical choice, given their situation.

MORDIN: Refrain from tactical advice to enemy. Understand temptation. Worthy opponents more rewarding. However, leads to higher possibility of death. Please don't repeat.

SAMARA: We want them easy to kill, dear.

GRUNT: Alright, alright. But this is not very challenging.

_(More green switches are found, and TALI eventually arrives at the room with the energy signature and locked doors. She quickly opens JANE's door and the first team streams through. Closing it behind her, she opens the second door, allowing JOHN's team through. This door sticks, forcing TALI to put her head in an awkward position to close it. The door finally closes, but at the last second a bullet gets through and hits TALI in the head. She collapses without a word.)_

JANE: Oh no, Tali! I should have gone to the flotilla with you! I just.. couldn't deal with more quarians. I'm so sorry.

JOHN: Psh. Good riddance. I was sick of her whining.

JANE: You really are heartless you know that?

MIRANDA: Shepard!

JANE: Yeah yeah, I know you dig the tough guy act, but come on, Lawson! Find a guy with a working brain cell or two!

JACK: Shepard!

JANE: And you! All your power and you crumble like a kid because somebody shows you compassion? No wonder you ended up in a cult!

THANE: Shepard!

JANE: You can't be serious! You went gay?

THANE: Homosexuality is not a crime, Shepard. But that is irrelevant to our urgent calls. We've found the crew! They're in these pods!

JANE: What? Let's get them out!

_(With some strategic smashing with weapons stocks and a little heavy lifting, the cells containing the crew are opened, and not a moment too soon. One cell they hadn't reached yet turns on with a bright glow. Before they can react, the woman in the cell begins to disintegrate. Horrified, they watch as all that is left of her is a little gray goop at the bottom of the container.)_

KELLY: Oh, Shepard, I'm so, like, glad you're here!

JOHN: Which of us?

KELLY: Hehe! Wouldn't you like to know! Can you imagine what might have happened if you guys had been a second later? I might have ended up dissolved into my base genetic materials and pumped through those tubes into the other room for the massive collector structure that's being built in there!

JANE: Since when do you offer exposition?

KELLY: Since Bioware decided to streamline the endgame. Don't worry, I'll be back to my valley girl self when I get back to the ship. If I get back to the ship. Is there still a ship?

JANE: Good question. _(Slaps ear)_ Joker, we've found the crew. They're all alive! Of course, the colonists we came to find aren't as lucky, but who's counting?

JOKER: Great news, Commander! EDI & I will come do a pickup, but we'll have to land back of your position. You think they can get through on their own?

JANE: No. I'll send somebody with them. Grunt, feel like taking all the collectors on by yourself?

GRUNT: _(Smiles)_ And to think I was beginning to get bored. Come on, wimpy humans! To the ship! _(KELLY and the rest of the mostly unnamed Cerberus crew limp after him)_

JANE: Wait… Joker, how'd you repair the ship so fast?

JOHN: _(Interrupting) _Magic. Now come on! I want to see what they were building.

JOKER: I'd go with his explanation, because my response was going to be a lot of technobabble.

_(JANE rolls her eyes. Then she squares her shoulders and looks around the room.)_

JANE: Alright, Edi, where to next?

EDI: Well, Shepard, you'll need to divide the team again. In order to reach the device, one team can take a magically flying platform, and the other can walk down a sloping path infested with seeker swarms.

JOHN: Dibs on the floating thing!

JANE: You can't call dibs on the floating device!

JOHN: Just did.

GARRUS: "Fair and square" as you humans put it. I've never understood what was particularly honest about a shape.

ZAEED: Goddam right he did!

JANE: EDI, any ideas on how to get through the seeker swarms?

SAMARA: I have an idea. If I set up a biotic balloon around us, the seekers might not be able to get past it.

JOHN: _(Snorts)_ Oh yeah. That'll work. See ya later, sis! _(He and his team jump on the platform and fly away)_

MIRANDA: In theory, any biotic could do it, even a minor one like myself or Thane.

JANE: Hmm… Jack, you feel up to it?

JACK: Can I do something dramatic when we get to the end?

JANE: How dramatic?

JACK: Fire off a F****** biotic wave the flattens everything behind me.

JANE: Deal. We should go now.

_(JACK's biotic envelope works like a charm, and they are able to pass unharmed through most of the seeker swarms. They are attacked a few times by Collectors, but thanks to the handy protective walls everywhere, they take them out without much trouble. At the end of the trek, JACK fires off her biotic blast. It's very impressive and after closing the door, her team takes the time to congratulate her.)_

SAMARA: That was well done, dear. Almost as talented as I was at your age.

LEGION: We suggest organics avoid annoying you.

MORDIN: Skill evident. Well done.

KASUMI: Wow! That was amazing!

JOHN: _(Over radio)_ I'll tell you what would be amazing, guys. If you open the other door before we're swiss cheese!

_(Said door is quickly opened and JOHN's team rushes in, but not before a bullet hits Jacob and he collapses)_

JANE: Jacob, are you all right?

JACOB: Why is everything so fuzzy? I think… Goodbye Shepard. _(His eyes remain open and staring)_

_(JANE kneels by his side and closes them with her fingers)_

JANE: I don't know what use you were, but I'm sorry you died, Jacob. Rest in peace.

_(JOHN appears behind her and without warning throws the contents of a canteen of water over them. JANE is livid)_

JANE: You moron! This is not the time to play pranks!

JOHN: It wasn't a prank! Look!

_(Sure enough, Jacob is sputtering and shaking his head.)_

JACOB: What was that for? I was just resting my eyes!

JOHN: Wasting my time. Quit dying already!

JANE: I hate you people.

_(JOKER calls them over the radio)_

JOKER: Good news, Shepard! The crew made it back! They're exhausted from trying to keep up with Grunt, but alive!

EDI: Commander, if you take one of those magically floating platforms, it will send you into the room with the collector device!

JANE: Oh good. Can everyone fit on one?

_(A loud banging noise is heard outside the door)_

MIRANDA: They're trying to break in! If all of us go into the other room, we'll have no retreat!

JANE: See, I told you explosives wouldn't work! Pay up!

_(A grumbling JOHN flips open his omni-tool and hits a button)_

JANE: Ha! _(At MIRANDA's urgent gaze) _Oh, right, Collectors at the door. Why don't 3 or 4 of us go after the machine, and the rest of you stay here and hold them off until Joker can come get you?

KASUMI: That's a terrible plan!

THANE: Agreed. What if the machine isn't completely demolished when first attacked?

ZAEED: Every goddam time…

JANE: Guys guys guys! If there was any way around this lousy plot device I'd take it. Heck, I wouldn't be working with Cerberus in the first place! But the writers haven't given us any other options. So Garrus, you and Samara come with John and I, and the rest of you stay put until Joker gets here. It won't be long!

MORDIN: Only option.

JACK: Let's shoot some Collector A**.

_(JOHN gets onto the platform with the others and prepares to demonstrate his movie quot… er… oratory skills again, but is cut off by the platform's departure. The remainder of the team wave at them as they fly into the other room)_

JACOB: How much chance do you give us, Legion?

LEGION: 0.08 %. But we might be overestimating based on false assumptions about human capabilities.

JACOB: Better than I expected!

**INT: COLLECTOR STATION: BIG ROOM: DAY**

_(Having dealt with a few remaining collectors that flew up to their platform, it magically takes them further into the room where stands an enormous metal structure. EDI tells them what it is)_

EDI: Shepard, my readings indicate that this is…

JOHN: A Terminator! Hasta La Vista, Baby! _(His shots ricochet harmlessly off the machine)_

JANE: Stop that! EDI, you were saying?

EDI: It's a reaper, Shepard. Built to look like a human.

JOHN: _(Sullenly)_ I still say it's a terminator.

JANE: Why would they do this? What did they make it out of? How?

EDI: It is supposed that Reapers prefer to set up a personality cult surrounding one of their offspring…

JANE: Those question were rhetorical, EDI. How do we destroy it?

EDI: Well, there are no hydraulic presses in the area, so…I suppose you could shoot the big orange glass tubes that are holding it up?

_(In no time, the glass tubes are broken, and the Termin… Reaper has plunged into the abyss that is the remainder of the station. With this final battle resolved, there is a sense of melancholy as they approach the Station's control center to set its self destruct)_

JOHN: Kinda thought there would be more.

JANE: Not necessarily. Saren wasn't a tough boss either. Even after he came back from the dead.

GARRUS: I sort of thought we'd have a fight with Harbinger himself

SAMARA: Or herself.

JOHN: Whatever. Let's blow this place and get going.

_(She is hailed over the radio)_

JOKER: Commander! I've got the Illusive Man on the line. He wants to talk to you!

JANE: Of course he does. Let me guess, I'm not allowed to destroy the station after all?

TIM: I would suggest you don't. The knowledge here could greatly aide our cause.

JANE: Did he say what I thought he just said?

TIM: _(Quizzical)_That "the knowledge here could greatly aide…"?

JANE: _(Giggling like a maniac) _Finally! At last! I've been waiting for this since I first woke up!

GARRUS: Is she all right?

JOHN: I can never tell. So long as she's laughing and not cussing me out, I'm happy.

SAMARA: Calm down, dear, it's not that difficult a decision.

TIM: Shepard! Pull yourself together!

JANE: _(Has stopped laughing, but is still clearly elated) _You don't get it. I've finally got the speech option to tell you where to stick your megalomaniac ideas about human dominance. Before, even the paragon options were reluctant agreement with you and your terrorist agenda. Now I can make you watch as I blow your plans sky high!

TIM: Shepard, don't!

JANE: Who's gonna stop me? _(She mockingly bobs and weaves in front of the hologram)_

TIM: That does it! Shepard, stop … Shepard! I'll give you command of the ship, free reign of the galaxy, and ridiculous costumes for the female crew members!

JOHN: Hmmm… That is a good deal. But I already have that. And Mumzy would never forgive me. Sorry. _(Hands JANE the fuse to explode the station, and clicks off TIM at the same time)_

JANE: Since when have you cared what our mother thought about anything? Or called her Mumzy?

JOHN: Just blow this place before I get bored and shoot a hole in something important.

_(This touching moment is cut short by the completely unprecedented reappearance of the easily defeated boss from earlier in the chapter)_

GARRUS: Shoot at the eye sockets!

JANE: Well, at least they got past the lame biotics cheat this time. Even Samara can't lift an enemy this size!

JOHN: Shut up and shoot!

_(Through careful targeting and hiding behind the amazingly tough barriers on their platform, JANE & her team destroy the Baby Reaper for the final time. Alas its final act is to smash its hand into the floating walkway they have been using. As a consequence, JANE, JOHN, SAMARA, & GARRUS are sent careening across the room. When they come to, it's because JANE's omni-tool is beeping the final two minutes of the countdown)_

JOHN: Woo! What a rush!

JANE: I knew that thing was too easy!

SAMARA: Can we talk about how it met or did not meet expectations back on the Normandy?

GARRUS: Last one there has tiny fringe!

_(They start running for the ship. Behind them, they hear collectors firing. They run faster.)_

JANE: _(Still running)_ Does anyone know where we're going?

SAMARA: _(Gliding on a biotic cloud a little behind GARRUS)_ We thought you knew. The Collectors thoughtfully installed emergency lighting. We're headed for the nearest exit!

_(They hear the buzz of seeker swarms. They run even faster.)_

JANE: _(Spotting JOHN a little ways ahead of her)_ That's the way, Johnny. You can outrun them all!

JOHN: I don't have to outrun them all! I just have to outrun you!

_(Shaking her head, JANE picks up speed, but JOHN uses a vanguard charge to dart away. Finally they turn a corner and ahead of them is the NORMANDY, gloriously restored to fighting shape. The starboard airlock is open and GARRUS has already gotten on. SAMARA quickly follows. JOHN makes it aboard as well, but before JANE can get close a piece of falling debris smashes the platforms necessary for her to get on easily. She jumps wildly, barely grabbing a finger hold. She is about to fall off into space when a hand grabs hers. She is shocked when she is pulled up by none other than TALI ZORAH NAR RAYYA)_

JANE: Tali! But… you were dead!

TALI: Bulletproof helmets. It was the first things quarian engineers devised for our bodysuits _(Taps helmet)_ They work pretty well, huh?

JANE: I'm so happy to see you alive!

TALI: I'll have to tell you about our other inventions later! _(Leaves to find her seat)_

JANE: And just like that, the joy fades. _(Her timer beeps, and she races to the cockpit) _Go, Joker, Go!

JOKER: I'm going, I'm going!

_(The NORMANDY rockets off into the unknown areas of space)_

JANE: Anyone know how to get back to the relay? _(Crickets) _Uh-oh.


	21. Chapter 22: Riding the Rails

**Mock Effect 2**

**Chapter 22: Riding the Rails**

**EXT: CENTER OF THE GALAXY: NOW**

_(Moments ago, the NORMANDY sped off, away from the imminent explosion of the Collector Space Station. Now it slowly creeps back into the area. JANE is speaking to JOKER)_

JANE: What do you mean you can't find the relay?

JOKER: Hey, it's not like it's my fault there are tons of leftover space debris in the way!

EDI: The materials from the destroyed collector station do not help matters.

JANE: Just use the objective arrow! It's how anything else gets done!

JOKER: So that's what this thing does! I thought it was a broken compass!

_(While JOKER & EDI argue over which way the arrow is actually pointing, a very cheerful JANE walks down the hall to the Chairless Meeting room, and dials up TIM. He is not happy)_

**INT: NORMANDY: COMMAND DECK: CHAIRLESS MEETING ROOM: DAY**

TIM: Shepard. You're making a habit of costing me time and money. _(His face is totally passive, but his anger is detectable by the rocket fast rate at which he's smoking his cigar)_

JANE: Hey, the first time was completely on you, pal. I was rather cold on the subject at the time.

TIM: Don't try my patience. That station could have secured human dominance…

JANE: Let me stop you there. I don't give a flying hockey puck for human dominance. I care about keeping the universe intact. You brought me back to life. That was awesome of you. But I play as a paragon. You knew that when you started. I worked with your megalomaniacal ego because I had to. Now I don't have to.

_(TIM's face contorts with rage, and JANE smiles as she hits a button on her omni tool, snapping a photo)_

JANE: Hellllooooo desktop wallpaper for life!

TIM: You'll pay for this Shepard! I'll be an incredible annoyance in the next game!

JANE: Joker, lose this channel

JOKER: How'd you know I was listening?

JANE: Joker!

JOKER: Oh all right. _(The line is disconnected, and JANE is standing in the wreckage of what used to be the Chairless meeting room. She leaves the room and walks over to JACOB's station in the armory)_

JACOB: Didn't expect you to light up that base, Shepard. Hell of the way to tell the boss you're quitting. I wish I could have seen his face.

JANE: Funny you should mention that. _(Proudly shows JACOB her snapshot)_

JACOB: Ooh, he doesn't look happy.

JANE: No, indeed he doesn't.

_(Whistling, she almost skips over to her personal station to check her e-mail. She talks to herself as she reads through what's arrived since she last used it)_

JANE: I wonder if Emily Wong got the message I sent about that scoop on Timmy. This picture would make the article. Spam… spam…. Weird spam… Hmm. An e-mail from Timmy. Written yesterday. Let's see what he said.

_We're aware that your old friend Liara T'Soni has been hunting for the Shadow Broker for several years. We may or may not have exploited her revenge fantasy in the past. We felt guilty, so we thought we'd make amends by telling her where he was. But if she finds out we knew the whole time and didn't say, she may try to flay us with her biotics. That would be unpleasant. Can you pass the information on to her instead?_

JANE: _(Snort)_ right. Still, she could use it. But I don't want to go to Illium. She'll probably make me hack vending machines or something. Aha. _(She hits the forward button and sends it to Liara's e-mail.)_ Liara; hope this comes in handy. Don't do anything crazy! Your friend, Shepard. Problem solved. Next! Spam… spam… disgusting spam… and what's this? Another Cerberus facility that's had a disaster? I think I may die of shock.

_One of our cells just went off the grid without explanation. Project Overlord has been experimenting with highly volatile technology and probably blew themselves up. But I need you personally to check it out. I went to the trouble of hiring one cool voice actor and allowing you to use the new and improved shuttle that explodes at the drop of a hat (you should have seen the old one). You'll find them on the planet Aite, Typhon system, in the Phoenix Massing cluster._

JANE: That so? I personally have to check this out? How about not? _(A wicked grin spreads across her face as she gets a nasty idea. She starts typing)_

"_Dear Admiral Bishopfromaliens, Have been dragooned into serving with Cerberus for little while. Finally nixed my contract with them and found this in my e-mail inbox. Hope it's useful. Jane Shepard. P.S. Bring your own shuttle."_

**INT: NORMANDY: CREW DECK: DAY**

_(Satisfied with her morning's work, she goes down to the Crew Deck to receive accolades for her work. Surprisingly none of the Cerberus crew chosen for their loyalty seems to be very upset about Jane's quitting. She chalks this up to gratitude for their lives)_

GARRUS: First Saren, now the Collectors. I wonder what lame villain they'll throw at us next time.

TALI: They said it couldn't be done, but you did it.

JANE: Who said that?

TALI: Gabby and Scotty. They were pretty relieved that I survived that shot to my head. Kept asking me how it was possible.

THANE: You made a difficult choice, Shepard. For what it's worth, I think you made the right one.

KELLY: Like, that was so, like, awesome! I'm so glad you came to save me. _(Tries to touch JANE's shoulder flirtatiously)_

JANE: I'm straight! What will it take for you people to get that!

GRUNT: That was an incredible fight, Shepard! Can we do it again?

JANE: I don't think so.

GRUNT: Drat. Maybe later.

_(JOHN appears beside her, having snuck out of MIRANDA's office after getting his own thank you's)_

JOHN: That's right, I'm awesome! I saved the day! _(Everyone suddenly finds something else to do)_ Haters.

JANE: You're an idiot.

JOHN: Am not!

JANE: Are too.

JOHN: Are too Dee too.

JANE: Exxxactly.

_(KELLY Returns.)_

KELLY: Like, you've got an important message waiting for you at your private terminal.

JOHN: Does it involve you getting in an Asari dress and dancing?

KELLY: How did you know? It's like, we're made for each other or something!

JANE: Somebody shoot me.

KELLY: There's one for you too, Commander.

JANE: I told you, Kelly, I'm str—

KELLY: No, silly! From Admiral Bishopfromaliens. I think he must want to talk. Hehe! Like, my dress wouldn't even fit him!

JANE: I wonder what he wants. I'll go check it out on the command deck.

KELLY: Like, he said he'd only talk to you if you were like, alone in your cabin.

**INT: NORMANDY: CAPTAIN'S CABIN: DAY**

_(Leaving them to their stupidity, JANE takes the elevator to her room to see what the Admiral wants. The e-mail is a link to a video chat. She clicks it. ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS fills her screen)_

ADMIRAL: We have a deep cover operative out in Batarian space. Name's Dr. Amanda Kenson. She recently reported she found evidence of a reaper invasion.

JANE: A, Hello to you too. B, Now you guys believe me? I thought we dismissed that claim.

ADMIRAL: Nevermind that. We actually believed you and sent our agents out looking for ancient space junk in hostile territory. They're patriots, they had to cooperate.

JANE: I see. And now you've lost one. What a surprise.

ADMIRAL: She has the proof you need of a Reaper invasion, but she won't be able to give you anything if she's stuck in a Batarian prison.

JANE: And I have to go get her out? Well, it's not like we have anything better to do. Grunt was just asking to shoot something else.

ADMIRAL: Actually, I want you to go alone.

JANE: Say what now? I spend hundreds of hours and most of Cerberus' cash finding and recruiting these yahoos and now I can't bring them with me?

ADMIRAL: We can't risk an intergalactic incident. If you go alone, you have a smaller chance of detection, and a better chance of escape.

JANE: Fat chance. I have several of the best assassins and sneak thieves in the galaxy with me. I'd be in and out with her before they notice she's gone.

ADMIRAL: I'm afraid I must insist.

JANE: Why?

ADMIRAL: I can't say.

JANE: Look, if I'm sticking my neck out for some woman I've never met, I'm going to do it the best way possible.

ADMIRAL: Fine. Bioware didn't bring the voice actors and animators back in full time, so all they did was you and Kenson.

JANE: I'll see what I can do.

ADMIRAL: Good hunting, Commander.

_(JANE shakes her head at the ridiculousness of his request.)_

**INT: NORMANDY: COMMAND DECK: A DAY LATER**

_(JOKER & EDI eventually found a way back to the Omega-4 Relay. Upon arrival in the Batarian System, JOHN comes up behind her)_

JOHN: Oooh, a batarian prison. Do we get to blow it up?

JANE: Nope. We have to get some woman out of it and find out what she's got on the Reapers.

JOHN: So who are you taking with you?

JANE: I thought you, Kasumi, and Thane.

JOHN: Good luck with that. Zaeed was telling horror stories about Batarian prisons last night. Nobody slept well. Except me. Didn't faze me really. I think it's because of my awesomeness.

JANE: _(Eyes roll) _Perfect. He tells THAT story last night. Did he at least skip over the part about the Rancor pit?

JOHN: Nope. Had them on the edge of their seats. I even snuck up on Kasumi!

JANE: I'm sure she appreciated that.

JOHN: She didn't think it was as funny as I did. Say, have you seen my extra pants? I woke up without any this morning and had to steal these out of Joker's locker.

JANE: _(Giggles)_ No. Let's get the shuttle and get down there.

**EXT: BAHAK SYSTEM: ARATOHT: BATARIAN PRISON**

_(Keeping with the Admiral's request, they go in quietly, landing in a remote area and sending the shuttle back until they need it)_

JOHN: So now what do we do? This doesn't look anything like a prison.

JANE: I think we're underneath and we'll have to climb up.

_(A few steps inside, they are startled by a varren attack. JOHN empties clip into it, and then reloads and prepares to empty another)_

JANE: Stop! We're trying to be stealthy!

JOHN: Stealthy? Why? We've never been stealthy before! What is this, Assassin's Creed?

JANE: I don't know why. Probably has something to do with the "Omni-blades" we're getting in the next story. Just go with it.

JOHN: Fine. But for the record, I'm against it.

JANE: Duly noted.

_(The rest of their journey through the prison is uneventful, save for some woefully lax guards. Finally they reach the cell where DR. KENSON is being interrogated)_

JOHN: _(Whispering)_ If I ever have to go to jail, make sure they send me here. I'll be out in an hour!

JANE: Be nice. I'm sure they're extremely diligent and are simply sure everyone's secure. Better to prepare for the worst.

JOHN: Like this!

_(JOHN busts open the cell door, surprising Dr. KENSON & her Interrogator. A few solid whacks to the helmet and the guard goes down. JANE sets about freeing the Doctor while JOHN searches his wallet.)_

DR. KENSON: Who are you? What are you doing?

JOHN: I'm John Shepard, and I'm emptying this man's wallet.

JANE: Your friend Admiral Hackett sent us. We have to get out of here and pronto. Now let's go back out the back and use our shuttle!

DR. KENSON: _(Her eyes light up, then dim) _Commander Shepard? I'm glad you're here. The back door is not an option. We must find a security console!

_(She runs the opposite direction, and JANE & JOHN follow, shooting the few guards who woke up for the escape. Naturally, she runs into the only alert squad in the prison and they are forced to fight their way through to a console)_

JANE: How long is this going to take?

DR. KENSON: 5 waves. Unless you're in the wrong spot when the 5th wave is eliminated, and then we have to reload and fight it all over again so the closing animation will start.

JOHN: Woo Hoo!

_(True to her word, after 5 waves of enemies, DR. KENSON summons a big elevator to take them up to the hangar. Their gunfire having awoken the entire prison staff, this fight is a bit harder, but won eventually. They blow the doors to the hangar and take the shuttle housed there to escape)_

**INT: SHUTTLE: SPACE:THE FINAL FRONTIER:WHERE NO MAN HAS… YOU GET THE IDEA**

_(JANE, now that they are out of danger, has some harsh words for the Doctor)_

JANE: What were you thinking? We could have been out without firing a shot if we'd snuck back the way we come. But no, I didn't even get the choice! It's like I'm on a railroad track or something.

DR. KENSON: Calm yourself, Commander. I had to circumvent security measures so they wouldn't be able to track us once we left.

JANE: _(Somewhat mollified but still annoyed)_ So what's this about proof of a reaper invasion?

DR. KENSON: We found a Reaper artifact in the asteroid field near the relay, we took it home, and decided it was a timer. We think it's the amount of time before the Reapers invade, and use this relay to take over the entire galaxy! _(Her face brightens, then fades quickly as she continues)_ Well we didn't want that, so we decided to blow it up.

JOHN: Blow it up? A Mass Relay? That would be cool. Can we, Jane, can we?

JANE: How? It's not like we could strap a little dynamite on an asteroid and hope for something.

DR. KENSON: You're smarter than you look. We were going to do something very similar. But we hadn't thought of adding dynamite. Good idea. We set up jet propulsion systems on a nearby asteroid and will slam it into the Relay, hopefully demolishing it.

JANE: Well that plan's gone. The Batarians will be swarming your base by now.

DR. KENSON: No they won't. The Batarians picked us up on a scouting mission. We may have given up our overall plan to destroy the mass relay, but I'm sure nobody explained where the base was.

JANE: You're part of a covert team in Batarian space, what's there to scout? "Hello, don't mind me, I'm just looking to see if you've put up a force field around the Mass Relay" And why did you go along? You're the lady in charge!

DR. KENSON: _(Pauses)_ I wasn't delaying it so I'd allow the reapers to come in their exquisite glory! We were only a button push away from blowing it up.

JOHN: Which button?

JANE: Hush. I've got to see this evidence of yours that your willing to use to justify an explosion of this size.

DR. KENSON: Of course. I'll just radio ahead to tell them we're coming. _(Taps her ear)_ Kenson to project base, Kenson to project base.

JOHN: You named your project "Project"? That's lame.

DR. KENSON: The writers were in a hurry. _(Her Radio Beeps and the Shepards can hear the whole conversation)_

RADIO: Doctor? It's good to hear your voice. Why are you coming back?

DR. KENSON: I've escaped. With the help of the Shepards.

RADIO: The Shepards? _(They overhear loud cheering in the background)_

DR. KENSON: We're on speaker.

RADIO: Er… That's very good news! Glad to … uh … hear you're ok.

DR. KENSON: They want to see the evidence. Go ahead and _(Exaggerates words) _"clear up the lab" so they can get a good look.

RADIO: Will do. See you soon.

JANE: Did you feel something?

JOHN: Nope. What?

JANE: A cold shiver up my spine. Something's up.

DR. KENSON: Relax, Commander, we'll be there shortly.

**INT: ARCTURUS BASE: LANDING AREA**

_(They soon reach the "secret" base. How it remained a secret is never explained, but it surely must have been an act of whatever deity controls video games, because the complex is enormous. JANE brings this up as they get out of the shuttle)_

JANE: How did the Batarians not pick up on this again? This place is huge. And has supplies everywhere!

DR. KENSON: We like to be prepared. How do you like the countdown clocks we built into the wall all over the place?

JANE: That's all we have? 2 days? I need to see this proof and then we need to start evacuating the system.

DR. KENSON: Right this way. Don't mind the staff, they're all mute. Can't speak a word. Terrible accident involving an eezo core.

_(Sure enough, not one person speaks or notices JANE & JOHN's entry. After walking a little ways, they come to a locked door. DR. KENSON opens it. Before them stands a large metallic flower with veins of blue liquid running around it.)_

JANE: You left it out in the open? How are you protected against indoctrination? We need to get out of here now!

DR. KENSON: It was behind a locked door!

JANE: Not good enough. This is dangerous!

DR. KENSON: Now just stand still, Commander. You will get the proof you need…

_(JANE is seized by a vision of flying shrimp and falls to her knees. She recovers, but not before she feels steel against her head and realizes DR. KENSON has pulled a gun on her. Before she can angrily seize it and shove her out of the way, JOHN charges into her. She flies out of the room and into a railing, hitting the lock button before JOHN can follow her out. They hear her call over the radio)_

DR. KENSON: Take them out but don't kill them!

_(Gunfire alerts them that they are not alone in the room. They retreat to a corner to make a better defense. Once there, JOHN questions JANE)_

JOHN: What happened? What did you see?

JANE: Remember that time you tried to make a calamari milkshake and left the blender open? Kind of like that.

JOHN: Ugh. I was cleaning that up for days.

JANE: I think this one might take longer.

JOHN: Yipes.

_(They are interrupted by a large group of indoctrinated guards who begin throwing stun grenades at them. JOHN catches one and throws it back, allowing them to be mowed down all at once. A Big Daddy attacks, but it is taken down too. Finally they stand in an empty room.)_

JANE: Is that all of them?

JOHN: Yeah, I think so. Where were they coming from?

JANE: Out of the walls probably. It's not unheard of in a bioware game.

_(Without warning, the metallic flower in the middle of the room releases a pulse of energy that stuns them. Before then can get back on their feet, DR. KENSON and few others swarm in and inject them with sedative.)_

**INT: ARCTURUS STATION: MED BAY: TWO DAYS LATER**

_(JOHN blinks his eyes a few times, hearing voices)_

VOICE: So I said to her, why go out with him at all? You know he's just after one thing! What's that? No, not that, you perv! I meant he just wanted to use her Gamestation with the 4D settings! Listen I got to go. I'm supposed to be drugging up the saviors the galaxy so the Reapers can kill them later. What? No, I won't take a picture of them planking! Bye!… That George… Now where was I?

JOHN: You were going to tell me where I am…

VOICE: _(Automatically)_ Med Bay. Wait, what are you doing awake? I missed one dose, that's all! Security!

_(As JOHN blurrily sits up and gets to his feet, he sees two security officers approaching at a run. Through the magic of cutscenes, he's able to dodge their fire [a good thing, since he's in his casual clothes] and break both their necks in an astonishingly smooth operation. The voice, a female technician, has understandably locked the door, and he looks around the room. JANE is on a bed next to his own)_

JOHN: Jane! Wake up!

JANE: _(Asleep) _Onasi?

JOHN: Wake up! We have to move!

JANE: _(Still asleep) _Let Malak have the place for all I care… Jedi Schmedi.

JOHN: WAKE UP OR I'LL DUMP THE SYRUP ON YOU AGAIN!

JANE: I'm up, I'm up! Hey… You don't have any syrup!

JOHN: Well I figured it worked once before...

JANE: Yeah, I remember. I had dogs following me around for weeks! Where are we?

JOHN: The Med Bay. They've been keeping us asleep.

JANE: Well, the fact that we're still alive means the Reapers aren't here yet.

JOHN: Ok. What do we do?

JANE: We get Ginger here to open the door.

GINGER: That's not happening.

JANE: Listen, honey, the last time I got mad, I blew up a prothean space station with one grenade. The time before that, I smashed a ship half the size of the citadel. You really want to be in my way?

JOHN: Wasn't that was the combined fleets…

JANE: Hush! _(To GINGER)_ I'll tell you what. You open that door, and I'll bet if you hightail it, you'll be the first to the escape shuttles. Otherwise you'll be stuck here when I get out, and I won't be happy.

GINGER: They said to keep you here and sedated.

JANE: Well we're not sedated anymore, are we?

JOHN: I'm not. Are you, Jane?

JANE: You know I wonder what this button does… _(Reaches for the robotic control station)_

GINGER: All right! I'll open it! Don't kill me!

JANE: Better go find that shuttle!

_(GINGER runs away, JANE & JOHN gear up and load their weapons)_

JOHN: That was easy. I thought they would be all crazy on reaper juice or something.

JANE: On an airhead like that? The Reapers would infect her mind, look around, see that there was nothing they could do and move on.

JOHN: Ha! Now where do we start this baby up?

JANE: Not a clue. They sure built one huge facility for smashing an asteroid into a relay. Maybe we can ask the next guy for directions.

_(They hear a noise behind them, and turn to see a blue hologram. A VI, but this one is wearing, of all things, a Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts.)_

JANE: Reggie?

REGGIE: Hello, Shepards! It has been 5 months, 14 days, 23 hours, 29 seconds since you last accessed this console. Where have you been?

JOHN: Who? Is that weird VI from the planet where Jacob's crazy dad was?

REGGIE: In the flesh! Or rather, the hologram. Though sometimes I wish it was flesh. Then I could run like the wind! Or a weird guy in Bermuda shorts. But hey, I pick my battles. What can we help you with today?

JANE: We've been saving the world again, Reggie. Which we could use your help with this time.

REGGIE: Why of course! What is it you need done? Pi to the 100,000 digit? I calculated quite a bit of it while I was on that planet! Did you know that somebody came and picked up all the people? Except for one dude. He decided he was the "New Jacob" or something and stayed behind with the dog. Didn't make any sense to me. But then, I don't get paid to think. Virtual intelligence, not artificial, that's what I always say. Of course virtual and artificial mean the same thing, but did anyone ask me? Nooooooo…

JOHN: Why can't I strangle holograms again?

JANE: We need to find the central control room so we can start this "Project" project up again.

REGGIE: Oh, no problem! Just take this left, then a right, then another left, then one more, then a right, and then around the corner on your left.

JANE: Huh?

REGGIE: Just follow the trail of dead bodies. Gotta go! _(Disappears)_

_(As JANE & JOHN stand confused, they are attacked by a pair of guards. They retrace the guards' steps and are attacked by another group in the living quarters. JANE gets the idea and they quickly eliminate the opposition and find the central area. There is a console with a window looking out towards the relay.)_

**INT: ARCTURUS STATION: CENTRAL CONTROL**

JANE: _(Regretfully) _I wish we didn't have to do this.

JOHN: _(Equally Regretful)_ I wish we could stay and watch.

REGGIE: Hey! I see you found the place alright! Make yourselves at home! Pull up a chair! Oh wait, there are no chairs. My bad. You guys do know that the countdown on this station is set for 2 hours? I don't know what happens then, but by way everyone's been going nuts lately, I'm guessing it's not good. And I ought to know.

JANE: We need to activate the project

REGGIE: Which one?

JANE: The "Project" project.

REGGIE: Oh that one. There is a high probability of a casualty count over 305,000 batarians. Do you want to continue?

JOHN: Sure, why not? I never liked those Four-Eyes.

JANE: No! Hold on a moment.

REGGIE: Awaiting reply.

JANE: I'm thinking, Maybe if we –

REGGIE: Request acknowledged. Starting "Project" project.

JANE: John! I told you to wait a minute!

JOHN: _(Across the room emptying a Safe)_ I didn't do anything!

JANE: Neither did I! Reggie, what happened?

REGGIE: You've been railroaded. Or Retconned. I think Railroaded is the correct term. Wherein the party of the first part (Gamer) is forced to select a specific option by the party of the second part (Writers) in order to create suspense and/or an interesting storyline and/or to set up the intro for the final part of a trilogy.

JANE: How is killing 300,000+ beings an interesting storyline! I knew I shouldn't have come.

JOHN: Well it's happening now. Can we leave?

JANE: I can still try to warn them. _(She activates her radio) _Attention all people in the Bahak system! Evacuate immediately! This is not a –

_(DR. AMANDA KENSON'S image appears on the screen in front of them. At the same time, JANE's radio signal is terminated.)_

DR. KENSON: Haha! Now the guilt will drive you insane! Unless you come help me blow this place up so the reapers can use this system to take over the galaxy!

JANE: And my other option is what?

DR. KENSON: Kill me so I don't blow this place up, sacrificing 300,000 batarians! Catch me if you can!

JOHN: She's the B**** who had people stick needles in me so I went to sleep. Kill her!

JANE: Reggie, where is Dr. Amanda Kenson?

REGGIE: She is on the next floor down walking to the eezo core. She does not look happy. She just gave me a very rude gesture! Said "damned VI's will listen to anybody." It's not my fault. I was programmed to be helpful to any and all requests. "Why don't I turn myself off?" Because my settings are what's making this asteroid arrive on target. Which you might think would be a problem for me, but I have no self preservation instinct.

JANE: Let's go!

_(They race to the elevator, wait patiently for the next level to load, then run out and see DR. KENSON fiddling at the controls through an enormous window. She turns around in defiance)_

**INT: ARCTURUS STATION: EEZO CORE**

DR. KENSON: You can't stop me Shepard! Now the station will blow unless you run up and down the elevators in here for at least 20 minutes!

JANE: I wouldn't count on that!

JOHN: YEEHAW! _(JOHN steps back a pace, then enters a vanguard charge through the glass window, shattering it and stunning DR. KENSON with the resulting slam)_

JANE: _(Having crawled over the window ledge onto the platform)_ You were saying?

DR. KENSON: That's the second time he's done that to me. This time I'm ready. You will never see the Reaper's blessings! _(She pulls out a dead man switch detonator and releases it)_

_(Seeing as they are armored up and fully shielded, this has very little effect beyond blowing DR. KENSON up over everything.)_

JOHN: Well that was dramatic. What do we do now?

JANE: Er… leave?

REGGIE: _(Popping up beside the Eezo core)_ Through the door on the left, lady and gentleman. Please dispose of trash in specified containers. Feel free to stop by the one unlocked office on the left and collect all the upgrades this station has to offer. Take a shuttle and we'll see you next time you visit Arcturus Station.

_(They take the specified elevator, leaving red squishy footprints as they walk down the hall. Understandably, the crew who spot them in their bloody armor are inclined to shoot first, ask questions later. Unfortunately, the indoctrination skill set does not necessarily include decent aim. Therefore it takes very little time for JANE & JOHN to be through the airlock and walking towards the shuttles.)_

**EXT: ARCTURUS STATION: OUTER PLATFORM**

JANE: Well that was easy. This is a very anti-climactic mission.

JOHN: BIG DADDY!

JANE: Drat.

_(With effort, they take down the Big Daddy left to guard the shuttle dock … which is now empty. JOHN devises a solution)_

JOHN: What would happen if we wait until the asteroid is almost to the Relay and then we run towards it really fast?

JANE: Orrrrrr we could call the Normandy on that comm. tower over there.

JOHN: _(Considers a moment)_ That would work too!

_(They flip a switch and the tower activates. They send a signal to the Normandy, but before it arrives, a familiar holographic form descends in front of them.)_

HARBINGER: Shepard. You have become an annoyance.

JOHN: You think she's annoying now? Try living with her for 18 years.

JANE: Hey!

HARBINGER: Don't interrupt. It's rude.

JOHN: Sorry.

HARBINGER: You fight against inevitability. Dust struggling against cosmic winds. This seems like a victory to you.

JANE: Pretty much, yeah. I mean, sure, it only means a few more months or years before you get to us, but the fact that you've stopped by to tell me I'm annoying is incredibly encouraging.

HARBINGER: Even now, your greatest civilizations are doomed to fall. Your leaders will beg to serve us.

JOHN: Heh. Wouldn't surprise me in the least. But we're not in charge. We're just gonna kick your shiny metal ass.

JANE: You think we're insignificant? Maybe, but you're forgetting one thing.

HARBINGER: Never get involved in a land war in Asia?

JANE: No. It's that humans don't play fair. We will fight, we will sacrifice, and we will cheat. Prepare to face the music, Reapers!

HARBINGER: Know this as you die in vain: Your time will come. Your species will fall. Prepare yourselves for the Arrival. _(The image starts to fade after this dramatic ending)_

JANE: Uh huh. See ya later, Alligator.

JOHN: After a while, Crocodile!

HARBINGER: _(Almost gone) _Some organics have no respect for good oratory.

_(JOKER finally arrives with the NORMANDY, and they escape the system in the nick of time. However, 300,000 Batarians aren't so lucky. A few days later, JANE & JOHN receive a personal visit from ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS)_

**INT: NORMANDY: CREW DECK: MED BAY: 'SPLAININ' TIME**

ADMIRAL: I don't suppose the two of you can explain to me why I'm here to talk about an exploded star system when I sent you to break one scientist out of jail?

_(They both look at their feet, abashed. JOHN recovers first)_

JOHN: It's not our fault she went batshit crazy!

JANE: Dr. Kenson was… indoctrinated. She managed to overpower us using the reaper artifact, and kept us sedated for two days. By the time we regained consciousness, it was either destroy the relay or face annihilation immediately.

ADMIRAL: You mean to tell me that because a, in your words "batshit crazy" scientist told you the reapers would be there soon, you believed her and went ahead with a plan that not only wiped out a star system, but 300,000+ citizens of a warring alien civilization that already hates our guts?

JANE: Erm… yes?

ADMIRAL: You're sure you're sticking with that story?

JOHN: It was totally her idea, sir. I said, 'Jane, what about all those innocent lives?' and she just glared at me and muttered something about four-eyed aliens! Can you believe the –

ADMIRAL: Oh well, as long as you're sure it was necessary! _(Extends hand)_

JANE: Wait… what?

JOHN: Like I said, sir, totally my idea.

ADMIRAL: It's no fun making the decisions that have to be made in the field, Commander. I trust that whatever your reasoning was, it was perfectly sound.

JANE: Well, thank you sir. I appreciate your faith in us— _(She turns to the Doctor's mini bar to pour all of them a drink)_

ADMIRAL: You will of course have to stand trial.

JANE: _(Stops pouring and turns) _Say what now?

ADMIRAL: Stand trial. You killed 300,000 batarians. I don't care, but some of those incompetents on earth will demand you be dealt with. But never you mind. I'll hold them off until you decide you're ready to come in.

JANE: Yeah, I'll get right on that. Will you at least take my report?

ADMIRAL: Why bother? I never read them anyway. Just be there with your dress blues on when Earth calls.

_(He walks away and exits via the elevator.)_

JANE: That's it?

JOHN: HAha! _(Sing-song)_ You have to go before a tribunal!

JANE: Go suck a lemon.

_(That night, JANE does not sleep soundly due to a dream wherein a massive horde of reapers are bearing down on the galaxy. However when she wakes the next morning, she climbs the steps to the Galaxy map, turns on the loudspeaker system and asks the crew a question)_

**INT: NORMANDY: COMMAND DECK: MORNING**

JANE: Anyone else hungry for some huge metal shrimp?


	22. Epilogue

**Epilogue (Co-authored with Mr. Buch)**

_**Mock Effect - Where Are They Now?**_

_After Commander Shepard, her brother and their allies saved the Galaxy by destroying the Collector Space Station and the unfinished Reaper therein, they went their separate ways._

_Jane Shepard was eventually overwhelmed by the guilt at the loss of innocent life in the Bahak system and turned herself and John in for the greater good. John, vehemently opposed to the idea, tried to escape by growing a goatee and claiming to be the mousetrap inspector. After this incident, and one involving a cheese grater, escaped monkeys and an Admiral's wife, the Shepherds were put on house arrest, accompanied at all times by an overeager marine named Freddie Vega. _

_Miranda Lawson lost her faith in Cerberus and the Illusive Man, and escaped with her sister Oriana into the wilderness that is the Citadel stand-up comedy circuit._

_Jacob Taylor decided to investigate his family tree in order to find someone to look up to. Tracing the line six centuries, he found he came from a long line of unlucky ship captains, including the captains of the Exxon Valdez, the Mont-Blanc, and the Titanic. Hoping to redeem his family name, he has published memoirs of his days as a privateer, corsair, emotionally-torn terrorist soldier, savior of the Citadel and finally right-hand man to Commander Shepard. The book, Eyes on the Prize was a roaring success, recommended as a sleeping aid by doctors across the galaxy._

_Garrus Vakarian, at peace with the universe with his revenge complete, opened a school to share the skills that he'd learned with the Shepards and on Omega. The name of the facility: Archangel's School of Badassery. Garrus has graduated many aspiring superheroes with his syllabus of classes including 'Choosing your awesome secret identity', 'How to type while standing up', and 'Bulletproof Upholstery: it may save your life'._

_Mordin Solus has been employed as researcher for Ben & Jerry's Salarian wing. Their newest creation: "Hold The Lime!" In his spare time, he is writing a new galaxy wide encyclopedia, teaching 17 doctoral classes, and composing an operetta based on his adventures._

_Zaeed Massani returned to the Blue Suns mercenary group. Working as a trainer, he has revolutionized their fighting skills with his introduction of the "Hide-behind-goddam-stuff" technique._

_Jack (Subject Zero) got bored waiting for the reapers to arrive and set off on her own. She changed her name, grew her hair out, and has embraced the dark side on Dantooine. She now shouts "I will F****** destroy you!" at neighborhood kids that get too close to her sacred grove._

_Urdnot Grunt returned to Tuchanka, where he was welcomed as a hero by the Krogan horde. They were somewhat less enthusiastic when they discovered he had come back to open a library. It's not as popular as libraries on other planets, but it holds the record for most items returned on time._

_Kasumi Goto disappeared with her secret. In other news, several high priced hotels on the Citadel are claiming to be haunted._

_Thane Krios has moved to the Citadel to spend more time with his son. After failing at board games (Kolyat fell asleep repeatedly waiting for Thane to move), sports (their unbuttoned shirts kept getting in the way), and movie marathons (the only trilogy they hadn't both seen was the Matrix, and they agreed to keep it that way), they found an activity they could both enjoy: trolling "Keep Thane Alive" fan threads on the Bioware forums._

_Samara left for Asari space to seek more Ardat-Yakshi. Her life story was adapted by Urdnot Wrex and turned into the enormously popular TV show "Busty the Vampire Slayer." He won an Emmy for the musical episode "Titanium Zipper."_

_Tali'Zorah Nar Rayya was tried by the flotilla for treason. They allowed her to speak in her own defense. Three days later, she was acquitted so the admiralty board could get some sleep._

_Legion, the only geth platform outside the veil, defeated the heretic geth by tricking them into saying one word: "Exterminate". Shortly thereafter, the base exploded. A blue box was reported in the area, but no one has verified the story._

_Socially-awkward-archaeologist-turned-mad-with-power-information-broker Liara T'soni used her computer-hacking skills and manipulative personality to track down the Shadow Broker and replace him. (For how, you'll need to purchase 750 Johnstonware points and spend three hours waiting to download the additional content) After some initial mishaps (resulting in a few minor wars) she ended up controlling the galaxy from a secret starship base hurtling endlessly through a thunderstorm. She's presently looking for an assistant. Easily seasick need not apply._

_TIM (The Illusive Man) has not been heard from since his angry conversation with Jane Shepard on the Normandy. There are unconfirmed rumors that he has committed his forces to a suicidal war against Call of Duty & Gears of War fanboys with a multiplayer endeavor in the next section of the trilogy._

_The remaining crew on the Normandy took on new opportunities. The Engineers Gabby & Scotty, having lived through Tali in their engine room, realized their need for each other and got married. Psychologist/ Personal Assistant/ Cerberus Fangirl Kelly Chambers tried out for "Earth Idol" and made it to the quarter final round before someone asked her about her love life. Jeff "Joker" Moreau, assured of his inclusion in the sequel due to his celebrity status, spends the majority his time fooling around with play dough._

* * *

><p>The End. I hope you've enjoyed Mock Effect 2. Please feel free to comment wherever I've posted it. Barring some horrific instance where the Reapers appear in real life, work on Mock Effect 3 will begin in September 2012<p>

Clint Johnston


End file.
